It’s funny I was so excited for my 27th birthday. I had waited 27 long years to have a golden birthday. I had planned the perfect party and was overwhelmed with what I thought was the perfect life. That’s right the perfect life that came crashing down on October 22, 2009. I almost died 5 day before my birthday. So #27 came in with a crash landing and left with a quiet decent.

#28 came in quietly closing out a year that included a life time of living in one years time. As I blew out my candles I said a silent prayer and thanked god for giving me 28 years worth of stories, pain, laughter, memories, and sorrows. I realize I’ve done more living in 28 years than most people do in a life time. I am grateful and mystified by my life, sometimes it’s hard to believe it’s mine. It may be crazy, its my story and I am the writer guiding the pen across the blank page.

Funny thing is I wasn’t suppose to make it to 28, I shouldn’t be alive, but by the Lords grace I am. This October marked the 25th anniversary of my life saving surgery and the discovery of my kidney disease. My parents did the unthinkable and turned to god as they sent me in to have the experimental surgery, and lucky for me that experiment worked. When I blow out my candles I thank doctor Donald Love and John Delahaunty because if it weren’t for those two men my light would have been dimed at 3. Many of us go our lives with out seeing angles, I can say mine are on this earth and because of their wit and might I am a live. So I am no stranger to deaths door, God had tried to take me off my stage more than once. Twice I survived the unsurvivable, I’ve knocked on deaths door, and I walked away.

I think God knows I’m not done yet I have a lot to do, a world to change, and justice to stand for. This past year has been like a turbulent river each rapid trying to change my course. It threw me to the shore a time or two, deflated my raft, but like a falcon rising from the ashes I conquered it’s current and rose above the shores. To claim my win, to show the world I am still standing and I will not be silenced by fear.

Year 27 was about loss, strength, love, friendship, and starting over. The following defined year #27, with out these moments people and stories it would have been a boring year.

Divorce: was a word often shouted, used as a threat by my now x husband. When ever we’d get into a fight his famous line was “well maybe we should divorce.” we saw our second wedding anniversary however that June I decided to leave the sinking ship and walk away from a loveless marriage. An walk away I did, the x was in shock, he acted like he was dying I’d seen it before. As always he cared more about money than me and well ladies I’ve left his ass penny less and I could give a fuck about it.

Babies: I experienced the miracle of life, the joys of knowing you are carrying a tiny human, and glowed with pride. Only to have my little bear returned to gods arms. I am forever changed by this experience, even thou it was filled with pain, that brief moment in time Scott and I were so in love. A love that was short lived, nursery planning stopped, the traveler bob stored, and the anger grew. I am and always will be a mama to a baby in heaven.

Apartments: it’s sad I know but I got my first apartment ever. I’ve nicked named my joint the projects. It’s a far cry from my 3,000 square foot home in the burbs with the top notch kitchen and HE washer and dryer, but it’s home baby. Some say it looks jut like the ikea catalog, it does I’ll admit that.

Dogs: I said good bye to my little English pointer miss freckles, knowing full well apartment life wasn’t her style. It was hard, yet I knew it was best, she loves kicking it with hazel and mystra. So since my heart was empty I set out looking for a new fuzzy pal. Insert a fluffy bichon frise named Cullen. He is a funny little beast and best of all he likes our little apartment.

Starting Over: a good friend said to me “hey Amjay at least your not 40 with two kids trying to start fresh.” True I’m not 40 and my only kid is in heaven, so I guess I’m all ready a head of the game. But still it was learning how to put one foot in front of the other. I went from being a wife and mother to a singleton. For the first few weeks I was lost, I was still stuck in mommy wife mode, but slowly the battery died and I learned how to be single again. I am building a life for myself, taking time to give back, and enjoy being me.

Friendship: I have made and maintained some amazing friendships this year. If I don’t name you in this just know I love you with all of my big puffy heart. God Mama has been a source of strength, she gave me faith when my tank was running empty, always telling me to duct tape my big girl pants on and that God has a plan. Miss Meghan my bestie, you are bright and amazing, your friendship means the world to me and I’m so glad your getting married. Miss Tara and Jillian both of you have such grace, thank you for your kind words and faith. A certain car lot manager, thank you for listening to my late night pity parties and reassuring me that things will be ok and that I am worth it. The architect thank you for the late night happy hour giggles, you my friend have taught me how to take chances and go with it. Dave, thank you for being there for me during one of the darkest moments of my life. Sheri, even thou our friendship ended I thank you for all that you did for me. A certain attorney thank you for uttering these words ” it all comes down to a judgment call” that was all I needed to hear and I made the call. I wish you well and may both of our lives be less dramatic. Dr cuzzo thank you for mentoring me and teaching me the law, Cherie thank you for making me the woman I am today and for igniting my nasty little travel habit. Scott even thou we weren’t meant to be, thank you for the happy times you gave to me, I will cherish those times, I just hope you get help for your addiction and illness. Connor, god Connor I wish you were here. You my friend were amazing and beautiful, I’ll never understand why you took your own life. Nylan, my sweet boy know that I will always love you, may god treat you kind. You will always be my son from another mother. Miss Joy my sister from another mother, you give me strength and you are so amazing. To every stranger I’ve come in contact with you have made my life better just by touching it for a brief moment. Friendship is the foundation to life, without friends we would be isolated islands in the sea, waiting for someone to discover our beauty. I am grateful to each and every one of you, thank you for blessing me with your presence, love and faith.

Facing Death: I am no stranger at deaths door. I always thought my kidneys would do me in. Having a blood clot came totally out of left field. I am reminded each and every day that life is a precious gift. I realize that your health is worth more than money. I rather be healthy than the richest woman in the world. Each day is a constant battle and so far I am winning.

Faith: even in my darkest days I never lost hope. If I did god mama was right there with faith in hand. I have to have faith and believe this all happened for a reason. God has a special place for the weary travelers. This road is mine, and mine alone to travel, I have faith that god will bring me a map reading partner one day.

I am ready to close the door on year # 27 and have the knowledge to take on year #28 with grace and strength. Thank you all so much for being apart of my life, I have extreme mad love for all of you. I can truly say my life is blessed because of you. A toast to a less dramatic, highly successful love filled, laughter filled year!

The air is cool and crisp in my tiny uptown apartment, I shiver a little as I put my feet on the floor. Rubbing cullen’s fuzzy little head, grabbing my phone I look at the date it’s October 22nd, 2010. I grab the bottle of baby aspirin, pop one and chase it down with water, looking in my fridge I grab an apple and head out to Calhoun with Cullen. Today is the one year anniversary of my Pulmonary Embolism and infarction. A day to be thankful for, so many doctors have told me I shouldn’t be alive, but here I am. I’m not sure why God chose me to save that day, but he did.

As I walked around the lake the memories of that day started rolling across my mind. I remember driving to work the pain was bare able at first, I just ignored it, and kept on driving. Soon the pain went from annoying to extreme, still I didn’t worry, and kept driving. Then my arm felt numb, it felt like someone was choking me, I could barely breath. I made it to Lexington parkway and decided to head back to wood bury. I do not remember that drive to woodwinds some how by the grace of God I made it. Once there I collapsed in the security guards arms, next thing I knew I came to with a nurse telling me he was going to cut my clothes off. I had wires coming from everywhere and heard the beep beep if the monitors. They were sending me to CT, and there it was a blood clot in my lung blocking the main valve to my heart. I was in serious trouble. They went to work, surgery wasn’t an option, as it may push the clot through my heart and into my brain. I was given a high dose of Heprin via iv, clot busters were injected, pain meds were given at my command, and I would be staying for a while. This would mark the first day of the worst year of my life. God he really through me for a loop this year. Yet I am thankful that it happened because with out the pain, I would have never of danced.

One would think having your wife almost die on you would strengthen your marriage. In away it did, yet Scott wouldn’t give up his “life style” for me. He never learned to cherish me and the time we had. He finally decided that we should have a baby, yup he decided it was time, when the clot was gone from my lung, we would start trying. We found out after Christmas that the clot had dissolved and started trying for a little bear if our own.

In April we found out we were expecting, I was over joyed and thought this was my calm after the storm. Yet this was another storm that I would weather with strength and grace, little bear died in May. I had created life, yet god took it away. This took some soul searching on my part. I blamed myself for the longest time, I thought I wasn’t good enough or fit enough to be a mom in gods eyes. Yet one day it dawned on me, there was nothing I could do to prevent it, I can’t change it, and nothing no matter how much I prayed and wished would bring little bear back. I am still a mom, my baby is just in heaven and one day I’ll see him.

Blood clots, child loss what else could god chuck at me. I had a few car accidents and the prius got broken into. I felt like this cloud was hovering over me, that god had a personal vendetta against me. I thought I was on his official “shit list” because bad stuff kept on occurring. On top of this bad luck my marriage was fading, I was in love with a man who would never love me or want me. Some would tell you my marriage was over before we said I do.

I met a new friend and we were talking one night, he was telling me about his failed marriage and that it went on and on because no one wanted to make the call. He looked at me and said “it all comes down to a judgement call” that’s all I needed to hear. A week later I walked out of my marriage and never looked back. It was hard at first but with each passing day it gets easier.

So in the summer I closed the door on my marriage and ended a friendship. I am glad that I ended both, without doing so I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today. I have reveled in my new found independence, traveled, and got a new dog. Constant chest pain reminds me that this life is a gift worth living.

With the fall came change, I walked away from a job I hated and never looked back. It’s funny every time I face a decision I think of what he said ” it all comes down to a judgement call”, who is gonna call it first. I’ve decided to finish what I started and head to law school. Hey some people buy hummers, others take trips to celebrate their new found freedom after divorce, and well I am applying to law school.

So today closes the door on the worst yet most amazing year of my life. I pray that the next year is filled with blessings and a ton of good luck. No bad thing allowed. I am a survivor, a survivor of a pulmonary embolism with infarction, a mama to a baby in heaven, and a young divorce. I am closing this chapter toasting it with a glass of wine and never looking back, as I have a new chapter to write.