Monthly Archives: December 2010

2010

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2010 is a year that I will always remember, a year filled with change, hope, love, sadness, and loss.

We were still in recovery mode and thanked our lucky stars that the blood clot had dissolved. This was my new normal, life as a pulmonary embolism survivor. One filled with constant chest pain, short breath, and lack of stamina. Yet, with all the pain, I was able to see the grace in my situation.

Winter was filled with happiness. Nylan turned 6, I was so proud to see him grow and learn with each coming day. He went tubbing for the first time, you could see the fear in his eyes as he looked out at the horizon and down the hill, yet he courageously stepped into the tube and was greeted with laughter at the bottom. I realized that my chubby cheeked boy was turning in to a pint size man. He would test his boundaries and no longer needed my help. He was and is becoming independent.

In the spring we learned that our little family of three humans and three dogs was growing. Scott and I were so excited when we found out that we were expecting a little one of our own. We nick named out babies little bear and set in planning the nursery, buying supplies, and picking out names. If it was a boy it would be named Alucious Gregory and if it were a girl her name would be EmmiLeigh Grace (Yup she would have a double name just like her mama).

Sadly as quickly as life was created God took our little bear away. We were devastated when we lost our child. For the longest time I thought it was my fault, that I had done something, or that I wasn’t good enough to be a mom in God’s eyes. Yet, with each new day came a sense of peace. Tests concluded that my baby was a boy, a beautiful boy named Alucious Gregory. I am a proud mama to a baby in heaven. I am grateful for this experience, because without it I would have never had the strength to take the next step.

The winds of change were brewing. The once loving couple had finally drifted apart. Nothing could bring them back together, so a judgment call was made, and I walked away from my marriage and my step son. I never thought I’d be one of those women who got a divorce, who gave up on their families, and throw in the towel. I felt a shamed at first, like I failed, and that now I was damaged. Yet, I realize it takes two to make a marriage work, and well my heart left my marriage a long time ago and my brain just now caught up.
The summer brought my independence, confidence, and new found friendships. It also marked the end of Lily and Lola. The friendship ended in turbulent rapture, yet it needed to end. It taught me to choose my friends wisely and that not everyone is who they project themselves to be. I hope she got some help and that things are going well for her.

I bravely walked away from my job in September, not knowing what tomorrow would bring, all I had was faith to carry my through. The one year anniversary of my pulmonary embolism passed and my birthday came. Dates were plentiful, yet, none were worth keeping or sustaining serious relations. Friends carried me through the down times and cheered me on during the highs. I started a new job in the banking world, got another infection in my lung (stupid lung), and met a new amazing friend. Trips were plentiful and the muppet like dog provided me with hours of laughter. Man I love that little beast, he truly is the best dog ever!

2010 was the worst yet most amazing year of my life. I will always remember 2010 as the year I took myself back.

Bucket List

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The other day I was having dinner with friends and over drinks we started talking about our lives. Things we had done, places we’ve seen, and regrets yet to be taken. Jack turned to me and said “what do you have left to cross of your list?” I stared blankly into my wine, looked up and said “I’m not sure?” Me the girl, who has seen the world, lived a life of loss and love, who has so much to realize, did not have a bucket list at the ready. I was taken back by this question, of all the things people ask of me, I did not have an answer. An, I usually have an answer for everything.

So with much thought and soul-searching, I now have an answer of sorts. A list of dreams and challenges that I want to see accomplished. These things are in no particular order, but are numbered for the sake of the list.

1. To personally say “thank you” to every person who has made an impact on my life and made me the woman I am today. For without you this journey would be a lonely destination. My life wouldn’t be worth living without you.

2. To stand on all 7 continents. I have 3 down and 4 to go. I grew up in North America, Called Europe my home for four months in 2004, and marveled at the wonders of Africa’s Egypt.

3. To start a family: I have been a mom to another woman’s child. Sadly in divorce as a step parent you have no legal tie to that child, and you have to walk away. I guess part of me just wants to be a mom, just to prove that I can carry a child to term, that my miscarriage was just a fluke, and that God believes in me enough to bless me with providing life to another human being.

4. To attend Law School: When I was a little girl, I didn’t play school. Instead I played court room, I was the judge, my babies were the lawyers and my bears served as the jury. The quest for justice has been instilled in me from a young age and it is a burning desire that I constantly need to feed. I want to become the most compassionate attorney on the planet.

5. Marriage, yes even me a young divorcee wants to give marriage another go around. There is something about having a partner, a sidekick, someone who understands you like no other person on this planet. I want to be in love again and share my life with a husband.

6. To publish a book. My story is a crazy one. Of a life lived, blood clots, child loss, and divorce. I have over come every obstacle God has sat before me. If my story could encourage others to seek good in the world, then well it would be worth the paper it is written on.

7. To bring the dangers of birth control to the fore front. I learned the hard way what birth control can do. I am lucky I survived and thankful for every day I wake up.

8. To own a Frank Lloyd Wright home. Even if it were just for a minute.

9. To open a bakery. Baking to me equals love. When I bake I use my grandma Dorothy’s recipes and when I bake I feel her love. That love lives through the sinful deserts that are created in my kitchen.

10. To take a cross-country road trip with friends.

11. I want to take my parents to Europe one day. After all they paid for me to study abroad twice.

12. I want to teach one day. Teach the law to other passionate people like myself.

I am skipping number 13, I believe in its unluckiness.

14. I have always wanted a miniature goat as a pet. I think there cute, so Yes I want to have a goat.

15. I have a dream of starting my own charity one day. A charity that will benefit the at risk families of the country. To lift them up and out.

16. Run for public office. I have dreams of being president one day. I remember telling my kindergarten teacher that I wanted to president when I grew up. my 5-year-old self, still holds on to that dream.

17. White water rafting in the grand canyon or any wild crazy river for that matter

18. have a snow ball fight in Antarctica.

19. I have a mad desire to visit the rain forest.

20. I want to bask in the sun on the beaches of Bali.

21. To spread Major Kung Fu around the globe.

22. Mostly I want to leave this world a little better than I found it.

That folks is my bucket list. A list of adventure, dreams, and human desire. This list will guide me during the next chapter of my life and when I feel like I want to give up. It will remind me that I have something to accomplish and live for.

Letter to the other woman……..

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Please understand that you are now a mother. Not only a mother to the child you are carrying, but a mother to Nylan. To my son (well my son from another mother) and I ask that you treat him like he was your own. Please understand that I raised him, I am the only mother he’s ever had. In life the step parent loses out, we are expected to walk away from a child that we raised and wash our hands of them. I am a mother at heart and for as long as I live Nylan will always be on he back of my mind. I will love that child until my last day.

I know that you may get frustrated at times, he may disrespect you, throw fits, and stomp off in anger. But know that he will warm up to you. It will take time for his little heart to heal, you will never fill the void that I’ve left in his heart. But I have faith that he will warm up to you and respect you for what you are. He may question and blame you down the road, it’s up to Scott to tell him the truth. To tell him, that daddy messed up and that’s why Nannie walked away.

Des, I can tell you it hurt like hell when I said good-bye to Nylan one last time. Its december, god does he love christmas. I’ll admit I spoiled the crap out of him, he had two trees, a huge stocking and presents, more presents than legally allowed.

As you adjust to life in my home, know that i designed that house for a family, the kitchen was my dream. You may not think much of the butterfly granite, the gold walls, and pecan hickory floors, but that was my dream, a bakers paradise. I lost a bet that’s why the bed room walls are black, i am sue by now you’ve ripped my face from every frame I left behind and that you stripped the home of my memories. Just know that at one time the house you call a home was built on my love, love for a family that would slowly drift apart. I pray that you have better luck, I’d keep a close eye on Scott, he is know to lurk on the list and has more women’s numbers in his EVO than I have fingers and toes.

Please know that the dogs you now call your own, were once mine. Little Freckles was a birthday present to me, I rescued her. She is sweet energetic and kind. Mystra, she’s old and wise, a true pupy lady, Hazel is your typical middle child. Love those dogs with all of your heart and they will love you back.

Somethings to know about Nylan. Yes, when he didn’t eat his dinner i told him that starving children in africa would kill for his dinner. Yes, i put numerous leggos and other toys left out in the recycle bin. (they never made it to the curb) It taught him to clean up after himself. Nylan loves to help clean, he knows how to put his clothes in the washer and where the soap goes. Nylan likes waffles with syrup for breakfast. they have to be chocolate chip otherwise he won’t eat them. He’ll eat chicken any way you fix it. That boy loves bbq outside, fires in the fire pit, playing in the yard and so much more. Just know these things and you’ll be all right.

Just please love that child like he is your own. As I maybe gone, but Nylan will always be apart of who i am. He was and is my first child.