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life lessons, Uncategorized

Coffee and Day old rolls

Reservation bound, past the paved roads, the casino and power plant lies the heart of the rez. The roads are still sand, the houses are nothing but tar paper shakes, and this is where Dot lives. Dot doesn’t have a phone, never has and never will, she says why do I need a white mans contraption when he don’t want nothing to do with me. Somehow her 96 year old intuition never fails her. She always knows when some ones coming over.
As I round the corner past the pile of rusting junk cars and the long forgotten ruins of the lutheran mission lies Dots tiny little house. I can see her now sitting on the porch with that dog of hers, I swear that dogs gotta be 20 by now. But as I pull in her drive she stands
up and peers through her coke bottle glasses, dam rez dog starts to bark and that familiar voice “hey there sweet child, ya come to pay this here old indian a visit.” Dot wraps her arms around me and the tears start to flow, I know I am with someone whose never steered me wrong.
I sit sipping my coffee, nibbling on a day old wal mart special roll as she tells me of the past, of how things use to be. When she was free, before relocation and assimilation took its hold on her. Dot takes my face in her hands, sweet baby girl now tell this Dot why did ya come see me.
The tears started to fall as I recanted the last couple of months. I failed Dot, I failed to be a good wife, mother, friend, and whatever else I can’t do right. Dot looked at me and said, “child you were an amazing wife, you tried to give your husband a home, a life, but he didn’t want it. He was to stupid to see it. But now he aint got you and he’s kicking himself for it.” An baby you are one hell of a mother, you loved his son like he was his own and don’t blame yourself for Little Bears death. He’s in the creators hands now, baby you’ll be a mama again. Don’t you were about that child. I told Dot about Connor on how I failed him and that maybe I could of saved him. “Child you can’t save no one who doesn’t want to save themselves, stop feeling guilty baby, Connor wouldn’t want you to torture yourself over his death.”
I said Dot there’s some other stuff too. Damn child spill it, this old indian aint gettin any younger babe. “Dot I am afraid that I will be alone, that I wouldn’t find someone. An at this moment I don’t even know who I am any more, I feel like I am lost with out a gps to find my way back. “Doll, every one feels that way after a divorce, its all right to feel alone, in time you will be strong again and you won’t mind being alone. Hunny why don’t you start writing again, taken them photos, and baking. Creator knows I am tired of eaten day old wal mart shit. An for the love of god baby go to law school, you were meant to be a lawyer. Go baby go, I need you your people need you. Ise tired of them there attorneys pretending like they are interested in us when they are not. No one has more passion for the law and natives than you do baby girl. No one cares as much as you do for our people.” An baby don’t worry about love, you all ready met the man you are suppose to be with. The time isn’t right child, step away give him space and take time for yourself. Your paths will cross again and well child he knows your the one, but gods messing with him right now sweetie. He has to learn a lesson first and when his done learning he’ll find you. Ok Dot, ok. Hunny I know patience isn’t your virtue, but baby just sit back and let fate take its course. Don’t try to intervene or force it, lord knows you can’t force love hunny. I know who it is hunny, an I aint gonna give it up, the spirits they tell this old Dot things. All right Dot, I will wait it out and work on myself and find me again. That’s a good idea baby, you got to heal yourself first before you can love someone else. Your a pretty girl get out there and date doll, have fun. Be you. Ok I can do that.
Dot just sat back with a smile on her face looking into my eyes, ya know child you’ve been touched by the creator he’s got good plans for you hunny. Lord knows you should be dead but here you are walking talking and living life. Thank him, thank him for giving you a second third forth chance at life. Be greatful hunny, god he’s touched you and he will never steer you wrong doll. Just listen to your heart, lay the tobacco down and let him in your heart again, the spirits hunny let them guide you. Everything will fall into place in due time baby, in due time hunny.
I wrapped my arms around her big frame, this woman so old so wise, full of love and her advice is always honest. Love you Dot I said, love you to child. I will do what you say, I am law school bound and well if I have a closed heart love can’t find its way in, so I will walk with it open. I’ll date, dance in the streets and laugh in the sun. I am a woman a free woman now, so now is my time to shine, bring it on world, because this bear is finding her way back! Amen child amen, now don’t sit here and tell Dot about it, go out and do it love. I will Dot I will.

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About NinjaInTheCity

AmandaJean is a thriving pulmonary embolism & stroke survivor, passionate Paralegal, Advocate, and Blogger who believes she can change the world one person at a time. She is obsessed with the Law, beauty subscription boxes, collecting costume jewelry, visiting flea markets, Ruby Red Squirt and Candy Corn. World Traveler. Serial Volunteer. Lover of Frank Lloyd Wright, Heart Healthy Living, and good wine. Mama to a Muppet like dog. Aunt to @HalfPintNinja

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