My dad said to me today “when I die I want to come back as a bird.” dad that’s a funny thing to want to be, he said ” a bird is never bothered he flies far above in the heavens watching the world unfold below. He has the greatest advantage.”
As I looked up a flock of geese were flying in perfect formation, they did not veer or question, they just flew with grace. I think we all need to be birds, to sit quietly and hover above our own lives. Do you wonder if you will like what you see?
So that is what I did I sat quietly on the shore watching the muppet chase the blowing leaves, I hovered above my life and examined where I had been. After all the past molds us into who we are and what we are yet to become. Tears welled up in my eyes as I recanted my early years, my childhood was robbed from me by disease. I learned early on that mind over matter will help you get better faster. I still wonder some days why did God choose me to have a kidney disease, why what did I ever do. But then I realize that I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if I hadn’t faced death at 4.
I am reminded of my struggle for education as I run my fingers across my bachelors degree. Being an ADD student in a small town has very few options, teachers didn’t want to teach me, they wanted to give up and pass me on to special Ed. Just because I can’t grasp the concept of math doesn’t mean I’m retarded nor does the fact that my attention span is as short as a New York minute. It became my goal at 7 to prove my teachers wrong. My Mom taught so hard to keep me in mainstream education, she wouldn’t listen to anyone, she knew in her heart that I was brilliant. So she fought long and hard until I melted into her arms tears flowing from my eyes diploma in hand ending my high school career with honors. I am humbled because I know I beat every obstical and jumped every hurdle teachers could chuck at me. My determination runs deep and my will can not be hindered.
High school is what shaped me into the woman I am today. It’s where I was violated, my innocence shattered and it’s where I began to pull inside myself. I was sexually harassed by a girl named Sarah, she hated me ever since the first grade. She got others to believe that I was gay, gross, and unclean. Day in day out I’d come home in tears until finally I refused to go to school. My parents stood up for me and helped me get it stopped. So few teachers admitted they knew the bullying was going on. Sarah stopped harassing me, the day after our parents met she came to school with bruises on her face, her father beat her for what she had done to me. I felt bad that she was physically hurt however the pain she caused will last me a life time.
As I sore abaci the earth I notice some blue campaign signs that read Marty Kelly for Sherrif……..I almost forget to flap my wings. The memory of that April day come flooding back. I thought Mandy Mroitz was my friend. I guess she wasn’t……after all she did go to Marty and tell him I tried to kill her. I was illegal imprisoned and interrogated. By officer Marty Kelly for over four hours. He threatened to ruin my life, told me I was worthless, that prison is where I belonged and that I was shit under his shoe. It would all unfold in a few hours that Mandy had created this life for attention and I was her target. Mandy never apologized for destroying my life nor has Marty. I decided to stand up for myself I wrote an article for the paper detailing this horrid affair that took place. The town was behind me, they wanted Marty out. It took until my senior year to see his termination. As fate would have it Mandy was arrested for stealing from Kmart in 2001. She went to prison and blames me for her bad hand. Mandy and Marty are the reason why I want to be a lawyer, so that maybe I will find my own justice someday.
Hovering some more I can’t help to realize how far I have come and what I stand for in this life. I have a college degree, I have stood on three continents, I have loved and lost. I know when to hold on and when to fold em. I am a survivor of mental and emotional abuse, I went from worthless wife to thriving singleton. I have created life and lost life.
This past year has been crazy, I sore a little higher to see it all. I almost died at 26, lost my child, got divorced and quit my job at 27. I am standing on unstable ground, yet have faith that god will see me through. Realizing that I am free from my x husbands emotional and mental abuse I stretch my wings and fly a little higher. I can see the good now, many people have shaped and touched my life over this past year. My family always believing, new love unfolding, a future so bright it’s blinding and a faith that can’t be beat.
I return to earth humbled and amazed of my own strength. I am a woman, a survivor, a mother and a force to be reckoned with. Yes, when I die I want to come back as a bird, so I can soar high above the earth with my father.