2010 is a year that I will always remember, a year filled with change, hope, love, sadness, and loss.

We were still in recovery mode and thanked our lucky stars that the blood clot had dissolved. This was my new normal, life as a pulmonary embolism survivor. One filled with constant chest pain, short breath, and lack of stamina. Yet, with all the pain, I was able to see the grace in my situation.

Winter was filled with happiness. Nylan turned 6, I was so proud to see him grow and learn with each coming day. He went tubbing for the first time, you could see the fear in his eyes as he looked out at the horizon and down the hill, yet he courageously stepped into the tube and was greeted with laughter at the bottom. I realized that my chubby cheeked boy was turning in to a pint size man. He would test his boundaries and no longer needed my help. He was and is becoming independent.

In the spring we learned that our little family of three humans and three dogs was growing. Scott and I were so excited when we found out that we were expecting a little one of our own. We nick named out babies little bear and set in planning the nursery, buying supplies, and picking out names. If it was a boy it would be named Alucious Gregory and if it were a girl her name would be EmmiLeigh Grace (Yup she would have a double name just like her mama).

Sadly as quickly as life was created God took our little bear away. We were devastated when we lost our child. For the longest time I thought it was my fault, that I had done something, or that I wasn’t good enough to be a mom in God’s eyes. Yet, with each new day came a sense of peace. Tests concluded that my baby was a boy, a beautiful boy named Alucious Gregory. I am a proud mama to a baby in heaven. I am grateful for this experience, because without it I would have never had the strength to take the next step.

The winds of change were brewing. The once loving couple had finally drifted apart. Nothing could bring them back together, so a judgment call was made, and I walked away from my marriage and my step son. I never thought I’d be one of those women who got a divorce, who gave up on their families, and throw in the towel. I felt a shamed at first, like I failed, and that now I was damaged. Yet, I realize it takes two to make a marriage work, and well my heart left my marriage a long time ago and my brain just now caught up.
The summer brought my independence, confidence, and new found friendships. It also marked the end of Lily and Lola. The friendship ended in turbulent rapture, yet it needed to end. It taught me to choose my friends wisely and that not everyone is who they project themselves to be. I hope she got some help and that things are going well for her.

I bravely walked away from my job in September, not knowing what tomorrow would bring, all I had was faith to carry my through. The one year anniversary of my pulmonary embolism passed and my birthday came. Dates were plentiful, yet, none were worth keeping or sustaining serious relations. Friends carried me through the down times and cheered me on during the highs. I started a new job in the banking world, got another infection in my lung (stupid lung), and met a new amazing friend. Trips were plentiful and the muppet like dog provided me with hours of laughter. Man I love that little beast, he truly is the best dog ever!

2010 was the worst yet most amazing year of my life. I will always remember 2010 as the year I took myself back.

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