They say that time heals the heart. Hearts are so easily broken, yet so hard to repair. Today is June 2nd. Today I should be chatting away with Connor and telling him “Woot! Your 40 ninja, yo are so over the hill!” Yet, today nothing like that occurred. My new job has been keeping me mentally busy. My mind has had no time to stray, to ponder, nor to remember.
It didn’t hit me until I was standing in the pharmacy line at Target. It hit me that today is my best friends birthday. Connor would be 40 today. He isn’t spending his birthday with me, or with his family. He is lucky. Connor is celebrating his birthday with God. I have to believe that the best ninjas get to share birthday cake with God.
To be honest I would give anything to have this man back on the planet. Connor did for me what no man ever could. He simply loved me for me, flaws, blunders, and everything. Not many people can say that they know what true love is, I am one of the lucky ones. I like to believe that Connor was sent to me, to show me what I could be come. To give me hope and a renewed sense of wonder. A wonder that has never seised to stretch the bonds of my imagination.
One thing will always remain. I will never for as long as live understand why he left the stage in the middle of his song. A song that was filled with promise, adventure, love, and compassion. He was not just a doctor, Connor was a healer. He believed in the power of medicine and that it shouldn’t be for only those who could afford it. His dream was to one day start a free clinic, a clinic where people could come and never see a bill. That dream was never realized. That dream died when Connor took his life. A life that was so brilliant it would set your heart on fire. A life that I deeply miss. There are moments where I pick up the blackberry to call you and then I realize that you won’t answer. In those moments I look to the sky and say a silent prayer. I talk to you when I’m driving in the prius or on nights that are a little to lonely. You are with my always. You were always in my corner cheering me on.
I miss you more than you will ever know. I know it wasn’t your intent to hurt me, it was your intent to end your own personal hell. A hell that none of us new existed. It pains me to know that you felt so alone in this world, that you gave up on life. Who ever told you life wasn’t worth fighting for was a liar. They lied love, they lied to you. I’d give anything to have you back, to play another game of battleship with you and to be sitting by a fire roasting marshmallows. To hear your laughter in my ear, to see your sneaky grin, and your face rupture with laughter at the sight of my blunders. I would give anything to go back in time and whisper in your ear “Go Ninja Go.” Mostly I would take back our last conversation and replace it with “you mean the world to me, life is a dream worth fighting for.”
Connor has forever changed me and this experience has taught me to always tell all of my ninjas just how much they mean to me. Because sadly we never know when our final hand will be played and when the dream we call life will end. Live a life full of love and leave no regrets. Fight like you are dying, dance like no ones watching, and laugh until your stomach hurts. That is how Connor lived his life.
His life was beautiful. Happy Birthday my Beautiful friend. I hope that you found peace in heaven and I can only imagine how incredible it is. God, got lucky, he has one hell of a Ninja amongst his crew. The best Ninjas share their birthdays with God.