June 27th will mark 1 year since I left my x husband. Wow, really wow one year is almost here. I remember the day I left and how broken I was. The woman that pulled the prius out of the drive on Brighton trail, isn’t the woman I know today.
Honestly I was never happy in my marriage. I kept up a good act of making people think we were the perfect couple in the perfect house. The house that was supposed to make us closer turned into a 3,000 sq foot battle ground. A battle that was always raging. In truth I was dying inside. I was trying to earn the love of a man who never wanted me.
A man who shoved my dreams, my needs, and wants to the bottom of the pile. His family (brothers and parents) always came before me. Heck I wasn’t even second on his list. He cared more about his whores, than me. He gave compliments, glances, and his kindness to every woman that wasn’t his wife. He’d sneak off in the middle of the night to warm another woman’s bed, Craigslist was his play ground, and I was left alone. Left trying to make our marriage work.
Work was something he never understood. He never understood that we were suppose to be a team. That it took two to make a marriage. He was always checked out and I was left to take care of his child. A child that I didn’t want to lose. I worked hard to give Nylan a family, a home, and a life he deserved to live. I would count down the days until Nylan would arrive from Texas. Plan outings, meals, and revel in the joy he gave me. Nylan, is the sole reason I stayed.
I felt I owed it to Nylan to make our family work, so I stayed. Soon, I couldn’t take it anymore. I brought it up to the x and a huge argument exploded before my eyes. He told me ” your fat I am not attracted to you anymore. You are the only problem in our marriage.” Thats right in his eyes, I was always the problem and he never did anything wrong. I hate to say it, but his choice in women isn’t the greatest. As long as she was loose, ready and willing he’d fuck her until the sun came up. I’m sorry but your never going to find a quality woman on craigs list. I had enough.
I had nothing left to give to this man and I no longer had the strength to make things work. I was a stranger in my own body. No one has ever made me feel like he did and no one will ever belittle me again.
No one will ever rob me of my happiness, my self-worth, and my kung fu again. The day I walked out of that house, I felt a dump truck lift off my shoulders. I had hope again. My laugh was more bubbly, my smile a little brighter, and my life was mine to live.
I was free. Free from the mental and emotional abuse he laid apon me. Free to dream, to dare, and free to hope for a better day. Mainly I realized that I am worth it. That I matter in this world.
One Year Later:
I realize now that giving up law school for marriage was the DUMBEST decision I have ever made in my life. Yet, it isn’t something I would change. Because each moment of darkness we endure makes us stronger. When I first left, I didn’t realize that I had been a victim of abuse. To me abuse happens when someone throws a punch. Abuse in a marriage takes many forms, for me it was mental and emotional. With the help of my family, friends, and one hell of a therapist I came out on the other side. I cried the first time that someone told me I mattered. It had been five long years since I had heard the words “You matter to me.”
Knowing that I matter heals some of the pain and brings me comfort on quiet nights. The first few months were rough, I was trying desperately to find a rhythm and clinging to anything I could grasp. Slowly I found the rhythm and let go of the safety net. The constant need to be in contact with friends dwindled. Long gone are the months of 8,000 text messages. They have been replaced with independence and the ability to just be. To be me, without my black berry glued to my hand. My hands actually hold other things now. An my friends have grown with me.
We had to learn together. They had to realize that a lack of a text, tweet, or message doesn’t mean I’m dead. In reality I can’t blame them for being concerned, after all I did almost die on my friends and family. They know that I love them and that this is how the pre-marriage AmandaJean used to be.
That I am back, the sassy, stubborn, big-hearted, independent take no bull shit from anyone AmandaJean is back. I have dabbled in dating. Dating provides me with more blunders than successes. I am still single and at the end of the day I am ok with that.
The x husband would tell me “bear you’ll never make it on your own.” Well I’ve got a roof over my head, my bills are paid, the muppet has food in his bowl and my bank account is in the positive.
Fuck you Scott! I made it!