Table For One

Tonight while having dinner alone at The News Room I over heard a woman say to her husband “Oh that poor thing her date must have stood her up.” It took everything I had in me not to go over and whisper in her ear “I am eating alone on purpose.” I decided to play nice and went about my typing and current google chat. This is my normal dinner alone or actually doing most things on my own. My muppet like dog can’t go everywhere with me, thus I dine alone.

As I gazed across the restaurant I quickly noticed that I was the only one sitting alone. Tucked back into my usual corner. The staff they know me and my drink of choice by name. They call this corner AJ’s usual spot and act alarmed when it’s not available. Maybe one day I will share my little tucked away corner with someone. Today, I am fine with just myself and netbook. From here I watch first dates unravel, fights happen, and look at couples whose flame long ago extinguished. In truth I feel for each one of them. I know what its like to have the first date gitters, feeling the calm in a familiar smile, and looking into someone’s eyes and thinking “where did I go wrong?”

Those are all feelings in a relationship. In most the gitters melt into a familiar calm and from that calm a relationship blossoms. Blossoms are something I am short of these days. It seems that Google has done me in and turned most of the potential away. I often forget that when I am googled my twitter, Facebook, and this very blog appears. Have Bear Will Travel has become a weeder of sorts. Weeding out the ones who are too afraid to dance and keeping the hope alive in the ones who dare to look beyond the blog.

For the ones who dare to look beyond the blog realize that I am online as I am in real life. I hide nothing and am to honest for my own good. This is probably why I end up being friends with the men I date. In me they find comfort knowing ‘hey she’s been through a lot of shit and came out standing.” I am reminded that I cannot revel in the sun unless I walk through the crap. They go hand in hand.

Hand in hand is where I’d like to find myself one day. One can’t be a ninja without a trusty sidekick. Gumby had Pokie, Batman with Robin, and well the Ninja Turtles had each other. I’m not asking for a 10, a 9 or 8 will do just fine. Life isn’t about looks or what you have. It’s about living with passion and letting your heart burst wide open. It’s ok to feel nervous and to be hurt. These feelings of hurt and nerves remind us that we are human. They allow us to live without question and to feel for others. When you can relate to someone and understand their pain, then you my friend have truly lived.

These are the things I contemplate when I dine alone. Of what would I do when Mr Perfect is sitting across from me. Would he put up with my busy paralegal day job and crazy lobbyist night job. Would he have the same passion towards sustainable agriculture, the law, NINJAS, and the charities I advocate for. Would he lay with me on the floor of Trinity temple and bask in Frank Lloyd Wrights wonderous creation? Would he skip through the streets of Paris and marvel at the relics of egypt with me? Questions, I wonders, and what ifs swirl in my head as I take a sip of my wine. The only way I know of solving my quandaries is by chucking myself out there and looking for my 9 or 8, because well a 10 simply won’t do. 10’s are too full of themselves. I am not for the 10s, so bring on the 9s and 8s.

Mainly I just need a 9 or an 8 who understands that even thou I have gone through some tough shit it does not define my future. True I am a pulmonary embolism survivor and a young divorcee. For some reason DIVORCE is a turn off to men. I always say if you really knew about my marriage, you’d understand why I walked away. Just because I am a divorcee does not mean I am undatable. Hell I forget I have an ex husband half the time and even I find it weird uttering the worlds “Yea I am divorced.” Divorce happens we move on from it and get even on Tuesdays.

I am normal. Bags yea I’ve got a few and yup I am a ninja to my core. So maybe the next time you see a young woman sitting alone don’t assume she was stood up. Assume that she is dining alone by choice and writing an article that will change the world. Maybe one day she will have someone who understands her entire being sitting across from her and she will smile. For now she smiles as her friends and giggles out loud at her google chat dreaming of the what ifs. I like options and what ifs, they give me hope.

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