People have been asking me “How are you doing with your Sister’s pregnancy? Your parents must be so happy.” In reality it hurts. Every day I go out into the world I am reminded that my son is in heaven. That for some reason God chose him to sit upon the clouds. My family has become a flutter of baby prep, traveler bobs, cribs, clothes, and baby all day every day. My parents do their best to walk on egg shells and try not to mention Sophia’s arrival.
Egg shells are not needed. This was Gods plan and the hand I have to play. Sometimes I wonder what would Alucious be like. He would be walking by now and I wonder what his laugh would sound like. Would he have blue eyes and curly hair like me, or would he look like his father. Yea, the father that walked away when he died. The ex-husband blames our divorce on Alucious. That his death created a wedge. The wedge was all ready there, he just helped me kick it out-of-the-way.
At the time Alucious died I did not see any good in the situation. I only saw anger, failure, and pain. Failure because God didn’t have faith in me to see Alucious through. In truth I had faith in God but not in myself. I had to learn to look beyond the gray and have faith in the light. All good things come in time. A few months after his death I was diagnosed with Uterine Cancer and now I am cancer free. The cancer took every last shred of hope I had for a child, as the Doctors rendered me infertile. Cancer sucks, but not being able to have a child sucks even more.
Then again when another door is forced shut a window can be pried open. Angela has given me her word that she will place a baby in my arms. One day I will meet a man who understands that 1. My son died, 2. I can’t have kids, but hey Angela can, and 3. Its your sperm and not my egg. Alucious deserves to have a brother or sister on earth. For now I am settling for a muppet like dog.
We will do everything we can to let Sophia know about her big cousin in heaven. She we lay beneath his mobile, the turtles dancing over head, and in her a dream will be realized. My sister JammieLeigh is going to share Sophia with me and I will be the best Aunt possible. I have a feeling that she will be calling me to get her our of trouble and to trick her Mom into giving her ice cream for dinner. Sophia is a gift, a beautiful life, and she will have an angle on her shoulder. As I am sure Alucious will spend his days playing with her in the breeze, stomping in the puddles, and rolling in the dirt.
Alucious lays beneath the Birch tree. So perfect, so beautiful, and at peace in this place of wonder. I face the sun and in its warmth I know he’s here and his life was not in vain. My son would want me to be put together and happy. I owe it to him to live the best life possible and to create something beautiful out of his memory. Alucious Gregory may not of graced this earth but for a moment, yet his tiny life has made me a Mama to a baby in Heaven. An I am greatful to be his mom down here on earth, while he plays on the clouds of heaven.