It’s hard for me to believe that three years have all ready come and gone. I am a different woman, my strength is through the roof, and my spirit does not quiver at challenge. I’ve spent the last three years working my ass off to get my body back, did some rearranging in my life and found myself. I am greatful that I had the pulmonary embolism induced stroke, without it I wouldn’t be the AmandaJean you know and love. Without it I would still be the shy wife sitting at home wondering where my husband was. Instead I am a woman who wonders what will my future hold.
My future is uncertain, today is all ready here, and my dreams are best left to fate. Fate is what brought me here. Three years later it still bugs the shit out of me that my whole ordeal could have been prevented. Had I not used the ring and if only my doctor did the test. The blood clot could have been detected be for it hit my lungs and my heart. A day doesn’t go by where I do not say a silent prayer for those who didn’t make it. Four had to die so I could be the one out of five who survived.
I am the one who lives her life for the four who didn’t make it. I live my life for all of the woman who never got to meet their nieces, hug there kids, or say I love you to their fathers. Those women and their families got cheated out of a lifetime of stories. While I cheated death and gained another chance at life. This is my third go around (I almost died when I was little) and I know one day my luck will run out. But until that day comes I am vowing to live one hell of a life filled with love, advocacy and adventure.
My body has been through alot. I am ok with the fact that it will never be the same. Trust me I’ve spent countless hours trying to will my pre-PE body back, it didn’t work. I decided it was best to work with what I’ve got and to celebrate everything it can do. My body has brought me to some pretty great places and it did after all carry Aloucious for a little while. I am doing my best to take care of my surviving heart. Walks with the muppet like dog and an organic diet keep me strong. Feeling winded reminds me to be humble and to thank the lord for my third chance at life.
The third time is a charm. I am not sure what God has in store for me, I just know he didn’t bring me this far to let me down. I’ll never know why this happened to me. I cannot change the fact that it happened nor can I turn back time. So I choose to move forward and not dwell on the why but more so the how. Then again the how makes me a little angry so I usually skip that too. I channel my emotions into advocacy and community awareness. This keeps me sane and reminds me that every dream is worth fighting for.
It is my dream that during my third lifetime we will put an end to heart disease and stroke. To silence the number one killer of women in America. It is my dream to see stricter regulations and warning labels on hormonal contraceptives. No woman who pops the pill or uses the ring should have to experience the hell I’ve walked through. I’ve got a big dream, this I know. However I have faith that one day it will come true.
So here is a toast: A toast to one more incredible borrowed year on this earth. A year filled with love, adventure happiness, and more laughter than one soul can handle.
When I think about the staff at Woodwinds Health Campus in Woodbury and more importantly my nurses and Dr. Anderson thank you just isn’t enough. Without them I would not be alive today. I am forever in debt to my care team and I am greatful for what they did that day to save my life. Mostly I am greatful because they believed in me and knew that I would bounce back.
Thank you to all of my friends and family who have been there since day one of my heart healthy journey. Without your love and support I wouldn’t have made it this far. Thank your for listening to me complain, drying my tears and cheering me on to a better day. That day we’ve dreamed of is here and I am greatful to have all of you by my side.