As I charted my future on vision boards, I never once added DIVORCE to the grand plan. Then again I never thought I’d fall in love and get married. At 22 I was focused on finding my way to law school and plotting to change the world. All it took was his brown eyes looking back at mine, law school and my plot blew away with the wind. He told me once “when one dream ends, you make a new one.” That was probably the only wise thing he ever told me. Our marriage was my dream, little by little that dream started to fade and I needed to flee the darkness.
Scott and I had brief moments in the sun. There were cruises, movie nights, laughter, and waterslides. Together it was Bear and Mr. against the world. We were suppose to be a team, yet we were foes. He strayed while I stayed home to raise his son. I went to sleep alone each night as he remained devoted to Magic, WOW, and his flavor of the week. I spent more nights alone than I did with him, yet some how I mustered an “I Love you” when he walked through the door. To the world we were the perfect couple who had it all, behind closed doors we were a disaster.
They say a lady always knows when to leave. I stood on the edge of the unknown for months, friends and family tried to give me a push, only to find me griping at straws. It took the advice of an attorney to get me to take that first step. His words still ring through my mind “Amanda, there are no winners or losers in divorce. It all comes down to a judgment call. Its just someone has to call it first.” I needed someone to tell me it was ok to walk away and to give up the war, he said what I needed to hear. With those words spoken and with he notion that it was ok, I walked away from my suburban married life. I walked away from a man who no longer loved me and I walked into the unknown.
The unknown has turned into a beautiful disaster. Over the past three years I have fallen more times than I can count, yet each day brings me back to the side of that mountain. I have had my share of heart ache and more moments of utter delight than one could ever count. Mostly I figured out who AmandaJean was without a man by her side. I learned that I didn’t need a boyfriend/fiancé/ or husband to define who I was. Finding myself was a journey and one that I had to go through to discover my version of happy. I am just a small town girl who set out to change the world.
On the day I left Scott told me “You will never make it on your own.” Those words haunt me to this day and every time I crash his voice seeps into my mind. I’ve come to realize that Scott was the one who couldn’t make it on his own, he practically had a girl moved in two weeks after I left. He doesn’t know how to be alone and he needs a woman at his side to define who he is. I on the other hand love sleeping smack dab in the middle of the bed and sometimes I am a dare devil and leave a cup in the sink over night. I had to be alone for a while to show myself that I could stand on my own, before I stood on the arm of a man. In the past three years men have come and gone. Just like Charlie, Scott will always be apart of my story. One cannot revel in the sun without dancing in the rain.
Fate is a funny little thing we can’t live without. Only she knows what the future holds for us. I’ve decided to late fate ride and to focus on my career and starting a family of my own. That’s right, you read that correctly. I have decided to become a single mom and have started looking into the adoption process. The past three years have taught me that I do not need a man to have a child, all I need is an open mind and love in my heart. At this point I don’t care about gender, I just want to adopt a healthy child. I can tell you that I have never been more scared in my life, yet I know that its meant to be. If I can wrangle attorneys from 9 to midnight, then I can sure as hell adopt a child on my own.
In truth, I have come farther on my own than I ever thought possible. It turns out that Scott’s words were more for him than me. Because from what I can tell I am standing on my own two feet. My bills are paid, I have a job that I love, I am happy, and I am perfectly fine with sleeping single in a queen sized bed. I am ok with being me and I am happy in my own skin. It took me three years to find my groove and I have no doubt that I will continue to conquer the world.