Speck of Faith In My Little Toe

Sometimes I wake up cursing and wishing that I could have my old pre-pulminary embolism life back. It’s a wasteful wish, I know, but part of me still hopes I will return to the old me.

The me who used to run fast and far with her dog at her side. One who didn’t have to calculate how much vitamin K was in her food, or pay attention to odd feelings in her chest. There are days where I just want to drop the ball, chuck the aspirin in the can, and run far.

Run far away. Yet, its days like this I reach deep within to pull out any speck of faith I have left. It usually hides in my little toe, that last speck of faith. I use it to get up, to move, and get through my day. Winter is over thank God!

Winters cool crisp air ripped through my lung like a knife cutting butter. Every breath I took on those bitter days was filled with pain. They say spring is going to arrive any day now. Springs air is cool, moist and thick, it feels like I have to gulp the air in and push it down. I am reminded, that I shouldn’t complain because the alternative to this is death. I can consider my gulps, my pain, and this crazy lung as a badge of honor. Honor, that I wear tightly wrapped around my heart and proclaim to all that I am a survivor through and through.

Surviving isn’t a method or a skill, it is something you earn. You chart your own course, create your own plan, and live with faith so strong it can set your heart on fire. I hug tighter, laugh more often, listen a little longer, and love harder.

This experience has made me aware that little things in life don’t matter, it’s the moments that count and the journey that’s worth taking. I used to be obssed with the destination, I saw things only one way and now I muddle my way through. It may take me longer to get there, but at least I will have a story to share.

So this morning as the pain filled my chest and the muppet scampered before me, I reached into my little toe, pulled out that speck of faith and got up. Got up, washed down a gazillion vitamins, pills, and my all coveted life saver the aspirin. As long as I keep moving and don’t lose faith I will win the battle and conquer the war.

Published by NinjaInTheCity

AmandaJean is a thriving pulmonary embolism & stroke survivor, passionate Paralegal, Advocate, and Blogger who believes she can change the world one person at a time. She is obsessed with the Law, beauty subscription boxes, collecting costume jewelry, visiting flea markets, Ruby Red Squirt and Candy Corn. World Traveler. Serial Volunteer. Lover of Frank Lloyd Wright, Heart Healthy Living, and good wine. Mama to a Muppet like dog. Aunt to @HalfPintNinja

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