Sometimes I wake up cursing and wishing that I could have my old pre-pulminary embolism life back. It’s a wasteful wish, I know, but part of me still hopes I will return to the old me.
The me who used to run fast and far with her dog at her side. One who didn’t have to calculate how much vitamin K was in her food, or pay attention to odd feelings in her chest. There are days where I just want to drop the ball, chuck the aspirin in the can, and run far.
Run far away. Yet, its days like this I reach deep within to pull out any speck of faith I have left. It usually hides in my little toe, that last speck of faith. I use it to get up, to move, and get through my day. Winter is over thank God!
Winters cool crisp air ripped through my lung like a knife cutting butter. Every breath I took on those bitter days was filled with pain. They say spring is going to arrive any day now. Springs air is cool, moist and thick, it feels like I have to gulp the air in and push it down. I am reminded, that I shouldn’t complain because the alternative to this is death. I can consider my gulps, my pain, and this crazy lung as a badge of honor. Honor, that I wear tightly wrapped around my heart and proclaim to all that I am a survivor through and through.
Surviving isn’t a method or a skill, it is something you earn. You chart your own course, create your own plan, and live with faith so strong it can set your heart on fire. I hug tighter, laugh more often, listen a little longer, and love harder.
This experience has made me aware that little things in life don’t matter, it’s the moments that count and the journey that’s worth taking. I used to be obssed with the destination, I saw things only one way and now I muddle my way through. It may take me longer to get there, but at least I will have a story to share.
So this morning as the pain filled my chest and the muppet scampered before me, I reached into my little toe, pulled out that speck of faith and got up. Got up, washed down a gazillion vitamins, pills, and my all coveted life saver the aspirin. As long as I keep moving and don’t lose faith I will win the battle and conquer the war.