When I met the Irs Man out side of the Ordway, his face didn’t light up nor did he great me warmly, he stood there tense. Anger came out at passing cars as we stood on the corner and dinner did nothing to melt the worried look in his eyes.
I knew during the second act of the opera that he and I were over. He sat next to me rigid and cold. This man who sat next to me, wasn’t the socially awkward one that I had laughed with, shared glances, and inside jokes with, he was different. He never came forward with what was on his mind. We saw each other Friday night for a drink and yet I knew that something was about to come. The weekend went without word from him.
Monday, it came. Sitting there in the glow of what he calls mood lighting (I call them christmas lights left up all year round.) he laid it out. He uttered the words, you deserve someone who lives in uptown, who wants to see you every day, someone who wants to text you, I…I don’t know if I can date anyone right now. I felt a slight ping in my heart, how long have you known I asked. He told me “I wanted to tell you on Thursday, but you were so excited about the opera, I didn’t want to ruin it for you.” I asked, then why didn’t you tell me on Friday? He said ” you had enough crappy stuff going on, I just didn’t want to add to it.” You should have told me, I said. You should have told me sooner, I knew something was wrong and up, when you drove to downtown instead of taking the bus that night. I knew something was going on.
It’s funny he thinks that texting is a huge part of my life. It is and it isn’t. At one time I clinged to my Blackberry these days I let messages pile up until I have time to respond. His preferred method of communication is though email, which is fine and dandy by me, that’s just one less ping on my phone begging my attention. An that I deserve someone who texts me, I could care less if you or anyone texts me. I personally don’t need a man who texts, I need a man who will put up with my ninja antics and crazy spur of the moment adventures.
Honestly I don’t need a man who lives in uptown or one that needs to see me every day. My life is crazy, I crave my alone time and prefer to step outside uptown, some days its way to small. In reality men who need to see the woman they date every day drive me nuts, I crave my own space and reveal in the fact that I do not need a man to define me. If I know you like me and we see each other once a week, that’s awesome. Awesome, because I get the best of both worlds, my independence and the man. It’s a win, win.
I know his reasons seem silly. Yet the Irs Man is under a lot of stress trying to finish his Second Masters Degree. Go Irs Man Go! I think in this case he is letting the stress take over and over analyzing every detail right down to the last speck. Yet, part of me feels like he is selling himself short, that in his eyes he isn’t good enough for me. That if he stays he may become a stumbling block. He told me once “I don’t want to be the reason you stay here, I don’t want to be the one who holds you back.” No, Irs Man, you are not a stumbling block or a reason to stay. You are someone who is propelling me forward, reigniting my spark for international travel and service. Who else is going to talk about CSAs, hydroponics, and the opera all in the same sentence with me.
My advise for the Irs Man is this “Never let fear guide you or over take you. Stop selling yourself short, you…..you have a lot to give to this world and you have the power to shape lives. All you have to do is believe, believe in yourself and never, say never. Sometimes when we over think and analyze we lose faith in the process and muck up the journey. It’s best to let things be and to go with the flow. The flow will never steer you wrong.”
For now we have decided to step back and just be friends. Whatever happens, will happen, and I will trust in the journey. Either way I am sure that crazy conversations detailing hipsters, CSAs, politics, and the arts will ensue.