It’s funny how life goes. We always hear stories about other women and never once think “That could happen to me.”

I’ve always had dreams of being a mom. Mothering is something that I am good at. I raised my x husbands child and carried a baby that’s now in heaven. After my child loss everyone told me “Oh you will be pregnant soon enough, don’t worry its just a fluke, and you’ll be a mom again.” Those words brought me awkward comfort. Comfort that never settled into a calm.

Calm is what I wish my life was full of. But it’s not, some days I wish I could get off the train and then I remember all of the people counting on me. I don’t have time to be sick, to rest, and no time to just be a lump. My life is full of blessings and moments of laughter. Those moments remind me that I have a purpose.

A purpose to change the world, to make a difference, and to serve those in needed. A purpose that doesn’t have time to be sick. In April I learned that my uterus is full of pre-cancerous cells. Cells that are not normal and will not go away on their own. My options are a D&C to scrape the uterus clean or the more drastic eviction of my uterus a partial hysterectomy. I wanted to burst into tears at the news, instead I held it in and looked blankly out the window.

For me a D&C is out of the question. I had a D&C when I lost Alucious and I am never, mark my word going down that road again. The D&C did not go well, it left me with a 4 inch rip in my uterus and a damaged cervix. I am not putting myself through that again. This option would save my uterus and would possibly allow me to carry a child.

At 28 I never thought I would be watching my fertility slip through my fingers. No one ever told me, “Hey 28 year olds face some tough shit. You are going to be one of those girls.” I’ve come to far in life to give up. My birth control almost took my life, I survived a stroke and PE, to me I can and will do anything to survive.

The doctor brought in a counselor for me to talk to. She gave my pamphlets on egg retrieval and surrogates. I thought to myself “Are these people nuts, hormones are what put me into this mess.” Then she explained that embryos survive better than eggs alone do. What the flip, I am not even married I said. I would feel terrible if I met a man one day and said “Hey yea I don’t have a uterus but, umm I’ve got embryos it’s not your sperm, but yea it will be our baby.” I would feel terrible knowing that I took a man’s right to reproduce away. Everyone deserves to see themselves recreated and to feel the birth of their child. I can’t go down that road.

Roads right now are pointing to the eviction of my uterus. I am still taking time to let this sink in. Part of me hopes that this is all a dream. Yet, I wake up each day and my broken no good uterus is still with me. Stupid thing! To be honest I feel cheated by God, cheated out of the right to carry, to birth my own child. For now I am taking it day by day. I am exploring all of my options and at this point I am not ready to say good-bye to my uterus. I’ve had it for 28 years and I am not ready to give up on it. With or without the pre cancerous cells, my uterus still won’t be able to carry a child. Thank you inter uterine scaring, a mark left from a bad D&C.

I am a fighter through and through. I’ve got an amazing family and a bunch of awesome Ninjas that I happily call friends. I cried my tears shouted and stomped, now its time to take action. Action to save my life. I will not be harvesting my eggs, hormones are what got me into this mess in the first place. So one day when I am 80, just maybe I will adopt a beautiful baby. Today I am ok with being childless and look forward to a life filled with adventures. My broken uterus is a part of me and if I must evict her, then I will serve that notice with pride.