I am nestled into a bed that isn’t mine tonight and my dress, well I hope it shows up. If you had told me a year ago I’d be in Biloxi spreading the message of hope, strength, and compassion I would have just laughed. Here I am and I wouldn’t trade this weekend for the world.
Its amazing where our lives take us and how much our words matter. I have always been a firm believer in speaking the truth and using that truth to empower others. The truth and speaking it is part of who I am. Sharing my story and encouraging women has become part of my journey. I realize now that a lot of newly divorced women come here looking for support and to read my blunders. Theres been quite a few and I am lucky to be apart of their journey. The journey of finding themselves again.
Some may say I am a failure married at 25 and divorced at 28. I am not a failure. One knows when there is nothing left to fight for and when to walk away. It was easy to walk away from Scott, but it hurt like hell to walk away from his beautiful 6-year-old son Nylan. I love that kid and I always will. After all this blog is for Nylan. He will always be my first child (from another mother) and I am greatful that I got to be his mom for five beautiful years.
What got me through the hard times was faith. People tell me “I wish I had your faith. You just never seem concerned. How can you leave it up to chance?” Growing up my father always told me this “if all else fails….pray.” I figure God has kept me on this planet for a reason. Lord knows he’s tried to knock me of it more than once. I think I am working on my 3rd life or something along those lines. For me bouncing back is the best part. I’ve done a lot of looking back over the past year. My second stroke anniversary is just around the corner and so is unfortunately my 29th birthday.
Looking back has allowed me to examine my failed marriage. To really look at it from a different perspective. A year ago I was so hurt and bitter that I couldn’t look with clear eyes. However time does heal all wounds and allows you to remember. Remembering that the signs were written on the wall the entire time. Realizing that my x husband is mentally ill and that there was nothing I did wrong. I harbored anger that didn’t allow me to move forward. Anger not because he cheated on me with every woman on craigs list. Anger because he abandoned me when our son died. No one should have to walk through the death of a child alone. He has told me that is his one regret. Not being man enough to get on that plane and be with me.
In truth he was never man enough. Man enough to admit his wrongs and to right the course. Yes $5,000.00 bracelets, trips, and shopping sprees are nice. But they didn’t erase the pain that I felt when I found his email wide open. Open with lies and that the driver’s seat was moved in the Prius each morning. Here I thought he was playing world of warcraft all night long. Turns out Scott was warming someone elses bed and leaving me at home alone. People say “You had everything. You were such a great couple.” Never take something at face value. Peal the layers back and you would have seen a marriage that was broken before it even started.
On the day I found out my uterine cancer was in remission I sent the ex husband an email. Finding the strength within myself to forgive him. I no longer want to be apart of him and in order to break away I had to forgive. Forgiving my ex husband was the last piece to the equation of getting myself back.
Forgiving him allowed me to be at peace with everything. I do not regret that my marriage happened and wouldn’t trade the years with Nylan. Just it wasn’t meant to be. We live, learn a little, and then we get even on Tuesdays.
Learning is what I am doing now. Putting one foot in front of the other and standing on my own. Somedays it lonely, frustrating when I can’t reach something up high, and I miss those moments in the sun. Being in a relationship is an amazing experience. It’s even better when you are with someone who totally gets you. I can say I have been in love 3 times in my life. One I divorced, One moved on, and the other took his life last summer. Not many people can say they have found love even once. I am counting myself lucky. With each relationship I have discovered new parts of myself and because of them I am on hell of a woman.
Those three men made me the woman I am today. I am greatful for the time I got with them. Because without the boys and their love, my heart would never have burst wide open. An we all know that when you believe deeply your heart is set on fire with hope. Then and only then will it burst wide open and create such a light that it will empower you to change the world.