Words cannot begin to describe how proud I am to be Sophia’s Aunt. Sophia is the sweetest little ninja and she all ready has me wrapped around her finger. Soon she will be using her kung fu skills to take over the world. For now she is thinking and taking it all in.
After Ben’s sister and friends left he asked me “So do you want to hold your niece.” I blurted yes and he handed her over. Turns out I was the first person in our entire family to hold her. Ben didn’t even let his sister hold her. This was a special moment.
As I held Sophia in my arms I looked over and noticed my sister with tears in her eyes. Tears because she was watching her baby sister hold her baby. I told her “We have matching scars now!” She cracked a smile and Sophia nestled her head into my arms. She knew she was safe with her auntie and soon she was a sleep.
We talked about my son and the fact that I will not hold a baby of my own. She asked me if it bothered me. I told her “You never really get over the death of a child. You just live with it.” Thats what I do. I take each day as it comes and hope for the best. I spent the evening telling Sophia stories from our childhood. Stories of our adventures, turtles, and my travels over seas. An of course I told her all about Target and promised her that I’d teach her how to make a mean cookie. Sophia stretched her arms out and made little punches. This little ninja came out fighting 🙂 a ninja after my own heart. Sophia is a Ninja and I have no doubt that she will change the world.
Rumor on the street is that you are coming tomorrow. That means your birthday will be on January 26th. I think that’s a mighty fine day for my niece to be born.
Sophia you are being born into a legacy of strong women and a blood line that is grounded in the tradition of the Ojibway nation. Your great great Grandmother Grace suffered and endured so that you could be free. You are possible because she knew that one day it would be ok for Indian people to marry white people. That is your how your Grandfather got here.
Your Grand Daddy has been through hell and back. Next month marks the tenth anniversary of his heart attack. Your Mama and I are thankful that our Daddy is here to see his first grand baby. When you are older I will tell you why I call Grandpa Pete. Pete isn’t his real name. Just know that you are like butter in your Grandpa’s hands and he will do anything for you. If he says no just ask Grandma. She always gives in.
Your Grandma is one hell of a woman. Her name is Sharon and she was one of the first females to hold a heavy equipment operators license. Grandma drove a dump truck and she taught us that “Women can do a man’s job and we can do it better than they can!” Your Grandma never let your Mama and I quit.She will do the same with you. Grandma will tell you “Sophia there is no such thing as I can’t. Because you can do it.” If Grandma tells you no ask Grandpa. He always gives in and will make you promise to not tell Grandma that he gave in. Thats how your Mama and I got what we wanted.
This brings me to your Mama. You’ve been hanging out with her and by now you know she is obsessed with purses. I’m sorry but she will subject you to her purse obsession. Your Mama is a strong woman. She doesn’t think she is but that girls got fight in her. JammieLeigh is her name (Grandma had a thing for double names) and she is a force to be reckoned with. When your mama and I were little we would play in our fort in the woods for hours on end. She was captain Jammie and I was her trusty sidekick the boobie bird. I had a cape and goggles that I wore to play the part of the perfect side kick. Where ever your Mama went the Boobie bird (don’t ask) wasn’t far behind her. Thats how our lives have been. Together we make the perfect team and I am honored to have woman like your Mama as my sister. In Red Wing your Mama and I are simply known as Greg’s girls.
People know not to mess with our family because we’re like a miniature country. You mess with one you mess with all of us. Lucky for you your Auntie (that’s me) is a lobbyist and she is making the world better for you. Instead of using my fists I use my words. Your Mama knows how to shoot a gun {I fear for your future dates} and well I can sail the get away ship. Thou I hope things never come to that point.
Sophia my wish is that we will never need to sail a gate away ship. That is unless we find our selves in shark infested waters. Then I’d want to sail a get away ship. Seriously thou I know you will do big things and that you are going to be one incredible little lady. Go easy on your Mama and just know that she’s gullible. I once I had her believing her car was possessed. Wait…wait it still is. So if you don’t want to go to school just tell her you saw a monster in the driver’s seat. Trust me she will believe you.
Now to the serious part. Sophia you have the power to change this world and make it better for the next generation. I hope you grow up to find a career that you love and don’t consider it work. Never lose your sense of wonder, never forget to dream, and live with your heart wide open. You are a ninja and ninjas never give up. Make your own road and let the stories of the past ground you. As long as you believe in what you are doing you can never go wrong. My son will be the angel on your shoulder and he will watch over you. He will always make sure you come home. Know that no matter where you go in this world I will always love you.
You Sophia are a life worth fighting for. Your mama will fight tooth and nail for you. My promise to you is this: I swear to you that I will do everything in my power to make medications safe for women. That you will not have to endure my fate and struggle to get you back. You will not be lost in this world. You my dear girl have strong women that will ground you and an angel looking out for you. You will live a life that dreams are made of.
Everyone comes to a point in their life where they are standing in the middle of a four-way. Do you go forward, turn to the right, turn to the left, or do you turn around and go back the way you came. It doesn’t matter which direction you choose. Whats matters is that YOU faced your shadow in the sun.
I’ve had quite the journey. There are days where I look back on my life and think “wow I can’t believe I did that!” Even I am at awe with what I have accomplished and how far I’ve had to come to find my cross roads. The road was filled with struggles, distractions, love, heart-break, and tears. I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything. Because the moments are what make me who I am.
Sitting still is something I could never do. Maybe its my ADD or my desire to move up. I thirst for adventure and challenge feeds every fiber of my soul. When I am no longer challenged boredom seeps in and I go searching for a new adventure. Lately I have been given the opportunity to interview for jobs out-of-state. Moving away from Minneapolis would be an awesome adventure and a challenge. Part of me wants to go right for adventure. Yet part of me wants to stay and watch my niece Sophia grow. I do not want to be that aunt she only sees on holidays. I want to be the one who stands by her side and teaches her to say “Mommy no no purses…..I’m hungry! Sophia needs food” when standing in the purse department of a store.
Stores are something I judge a city by. I have decided that I can live somewhere as long as they have a Bulls Eye in their town. Trader Joes would be nice, however I can live without it as long as there is another organic market to choose from. Corn fields are meant to be conquered. After all Children Of The Corn is just a silly movie. The muppet has no preference to where we live. That is unless there isn’t a dog park. He won’t do a city unless they have a dog park. He informed me of this yesterday. Silly dog.
Then again Minneapolis is full of Bulls Eyes, Trader Joe’s, skyways, and of course dog parks. We can’t forget the muppet in this city choosing equation. I love this city and the people that live here. Well maybe except for the cyclists that ride their bikes down the middle of the road. You I don’t like, because I feel like I am going to hit you with the Prius. An well maybe people who walk really slow in the skyway. They bug me too. Part of me wants to wait it out and see what the giant firm will do. The other part of me knows that if they haven’t made a move now, they never will. This is my chance to take what I’ve learned and prove myself to another firm. One that understands how smart I am and that my passion for the law lies deep. I want to be a change maker and some day I’ll be known for just that. For now I am happy that people know me as one hell of a paralegal that never gives up.
Don’t get me wrong I love my current job. However dealing with my coworkers and getting thrown under the bus is getting old. It seems no matter where I go people try to bring me down. As the assignment wears down I fear that more of them will try to run me over. Tire tracks do not look good on me. I am tired of dodging buses and light rail trains. So I find my self at a cross-road. Facing my shadow in the sun and wanting something more. The question is do I go forward or do I turn around and go back the way I came.
Over the past few weeks I have been the rock in which the sea of kindness crashes upon. Its waves have wrapped themselves around me and I have never been more greatful. Because of you I will conquer this crazy disease or what ever the Doctors are calling it now. Your tweets, texts, phone calls, Facebook wall posts and emails have not fallen on deaf ears. I read each and every one of them. They make me smile and remind me that I am not alone in this world. Today I got an email from a coworker and it simply read “We are rooting for you in Denver!” That right there made my day.
Someone asked me today “Do you ever get mad? You know do you ever stomp and scream at the top of your lungs?” The answer is simply: No. Stomping and screaming will not change the box I am standing in. This was in the cards and it is the hand I have to play until my last card is on the table. Fate is simply just fate. I did not do anything to deserve this. It was just laid before me. Some of us have it easy and others fight like hell until their last breath leaves their soul.
My soul is filled with hope. Hope for a better day. A day where I can wake up without pain, throw the prescriptions to the side, and dance my cares away. For now hope and faith are holding me together. I fight back tears when I look at the healthy 29 / 30 somethings around me. There are moments where I wonder “Why the fuck me!” Then I take a breath and I think “Fuck the self pithy train. AJ duck tape your big girl pants on and strap your self in. Because we are going to beat this fucking thing.” An then I brush my teeth and get ready for work. Because Today has to be better than yesterday.
Have Bear Will Travel 