It’s funny how a scent, a laugh, or even a walk around Calhoun can bring the memories of Charlie flooding back to me. There are times where I wake up at night and moments where I crack a smile for no reason. Life is too short, nothing like loss will teach us that life is too short.
Today someone who had been out of the country since Thanksgiving asked me where Charlie was. For the first time in three months I was able to say “He died” without falling apart. I was at peace with saying “he died” and with those words a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Before that moment saying ‘He died” left me with nothing but pain and regret. Today when I said “he died” I felt at peace and ok with the fact that Charlie is really gone.
Gone. Is where old boyfriends, friends, and people go when we no longer want them in our lives. We just simply say “He/She is gone” to avoid any awkward conversation and speculations on what went wrong. It was hard for me to say Charlie is gone. I didn’t wish him to Guam or throw him to the side, I had no choice in his being gone. This gone was different, this gone hurt, and it will impact me for the rest of my life. This gone has changed me and will remain a part of me. Charlie didn’t even have a say in his being gone, he was just driving that day, and fate cut his time short. The decision of two people is what took Charlie’s life that day, because of them he is gone.
As much as I want to blame them and hate them for Charlie being gone, I can’t. In order to move on I have to forgive and believe that the jury will award a just punishment. Faith is what keeps me going on the days that are a little to lonely. I have to believe that in the end this will all make sense. I am a better person because of Charlie. He taught me that love knows no bounds and that when you believe it all falls into place. Maybe this was part of the plan, I’ll never know, heck if it was I don’t want to know. I prefer to leave fate up to chance and love to the stars. Because when I look up at the starry sky I know somewhere up there Charlie is looking down on me. An that is all the comfort I need.