It seems that bad news and rainy days always collide. It was raining the morning I found out I had a massive blood clot in my lung and the rain it poured down around me on the day I found out my son had left this world. I looked past the rain on Thursday, I thought it was just a coincidence and kept my spirits high as I waited for the nurse to call me back.

The nurse, she was warm as always. We joked that I needed my own parking spot and coffee cup since the clinic has become my second home. I’ve been to the doctor every week since March 21st. That’s a lot of appointments, scans, and biopsies.

I waited for the doctor, the rain continued to fall and I still held onto hope. Hope that this was all for nothing and I would walk away with a prescription for an antibiotic. I didn’t get that prescription, my heart sunk when I saw her face.

The words they didn’t make sense, I asked her to back the little bus up and to speak to me in regular people terms. Those terms cut through my heart like a knife. I was not out of the woods. I am in deep and I will need to walk past a few more flying monkeys before I see the sun.

The doctor very calmly told me “they found a small number of atypical cells in your lymph node biopsy. This, this is not something to tuck away for another day. You have to deal with it now.” Her eyes told me I was in trouble and that time was slipping away. I had no other option than to deal with this head on. I was quickly whisked away to Paula who scheduled a consult for Monday with a surgical oncologist to go over my options.

Options are all I have right now.
And I am clinging to the fact that they only found a small amount of atypical cells. I pray to God that we caught it early and that I will be out of the woods sooner than later.

Everything in this moment is in the hands of fate. Only she knows if I will walk out of the woods without struggle. Only she knows what will come and I have to believe that all of this will one day make sense.