“People build up walls, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. “

Relationships, are my down fall and I always go for the man I can’t have, not the one I can’t live without. I am always the chaser never the chased. I try to force something to exist when in my heart I know there is nothing to lay a foundation on. I go for the guy who keeps his online profile alive, the one who never calls, texts, or surprises me. If they are lazy and emotionally unavailable, then heck I want em. Sign me up for that shit and let the chase begin.

I chased my ex-husband and it sort of worked. I got the ring, had the best wedding ever, and spent my evenings wondering where the fuck he was or more so who he was with. I had to chase my own husband, he never text me first or called to see how my day was. I would mention this and he would run out to buy me flowers or take me to dinner. Jewelry and shopping trips, now they were his fail safe. Those were just items they didn’t quiet the voice in my head that always wondered who is he texting at 2 am, what’s in his email, and oh god where did he go last night. I made excuses for his cheating, I would say to myself “If you drop 10 pounds or if you did xyz like the other girls he would stop.” I blamed myself and cried alone in my king sized bed.

For those on the outside my departure was sudden and without reason. But if you paid close attention and noticed the stream of girls coming into my drive way, well then you knew why I left. I left with what little dignity I had and I vowed to never chase. That was short lived. A challenge is what I need. If you are a challenge then I want you, if I have to chase you to the moon and back I am so in.

Charlie, now that is a man that I didn’t have to chase. He was the curve to my ball and I had to find a whole gosh darn new field. He looked beyond the scars, and took the walls down brick by brick. He understood where I had come from and that I was still a work in progress. Charlie spent a lot of time on the east coast and in Iowa for work, he told me one night that he had a girl in NYC. I was mad as hell, play me he did. I couldn’t believe it, I got duped into falling for an unavailable man.  I stuck him in the friend zone and went on about my day.

Fate landed me a contract assignment as a case assistant on a little oil spill in the gulf. Late nights and never ending weekends turned contractors into friends. After all no one on the outside understood what we were going through and how tedious the work was. Gopher Guy and I bonded over trip tickets and witty banter.  He knew that I was sort of dating someone and he would always tell me “well that’s only temporary.” Charlie joked that Gopher Guy was my work husband and that he needed to step up his game to prevent me from being wooed away. Charlie stepped up all right, NYC girl was a thing of the past and I was settling in nicely to my life at the Ivy.

If Gopher Guy only knew what the future held, he would take back every “its only temporary.” He was sadly correct. Charlie would become the fifth car in a multi vehicle crash on February 14, 2012, he died two days latter from his injuries. I was crushed, I didn’t know which way was up and life, it just wasn’t the same. Gopher Guy came running to my side, he just sat next to me as I starred into space trying to make sense of it all. He didn’t say a word and that meant the world to me. Everyone else was telling me “it will be ok, you will get through this. or we are so sorry for your loss.” I didn’t need words,  I needed silence, and he gave that to me.

Gopher Guy messaged me every day to make sure I was still standing and he made sure I got out. Subtle hints were dropped and I picked them up. On April Fool’s day he asked me if I would date him, I selfishly said yes. I was afraid of being alone and needed the distraction. This was incredibly wrong of me to do. How could I commit to someone when I was in love with a ghost. I would fall a sleep at night with Charlie in my dreams only to be awaken by the cold wet nose of a muppet like dog. I felt guilty, like I was cheating on him. Gopher Guy put on the full court press and  I couldn’t deal. I called it, I asked for my space and to not contact me.

We went months without saying a word. It killed me inside to lose such an incredible friend and I sent a message out of the blue. He responded with “oh thank god!” From that point on Gopher Guy has spent that past 3.5 years chasing me. I was to afraid to go for the safety of his arms, I went after the emotionally unavailable.  None of my relationships worked and never once did I utter I love you. Instead I found myself rushing home to tell Gopher Guy about my dates and about my life. He would always always throw insinuating text messages into the mix. Gopher Guy would tell me “you are the most amazing girl, you are worth waiting for.”

I never asked Gopher Guy to wait, he just did it. On my worst days my head had a way of finding his shoulder. He has seen my full on ugly cry, consoled me when my relationships went south, and mostly he gives me the best heart felt advice. It didn’t matter how unavailable I was, he always tried to steal me away. Earlier this summer it dawned on me “your relationships never work out because you have mad feelings for Gopher Guy.” Word, subconscious self and duly noted. Hot damn! My subconscious was fucking right, yup now I just had to get over the fear.

I found myself single at the end of August and Gopher Guy was somewhat single. For some reason his game stepped up and I passively passed it on. Until I finally found the strength to say “yes.” No this isn’t a magical OMG she got the guy who waited for her story. Shit Facebook told me he was in a relationship with a girl. It was kind of a shock because he had just asked me out to dinner. Apparently he had no idea his relationship was that serious. I plotted my course, laid my cards on the table and attempted a steal. My steal, yea that didn’t go down well.

All of my secrets are showing. We had a really good early morning ugly cry and he let me know that he has never stopped loving me, even now he still does. Yet he listened to the peanuts, pushed our history to the sidelines, and went for her and not me. He chose her over me. Gopher Guy thought our ship had sailed and that he would never have a shot with me. Shots? I’ve had plenty of shots to grab him. I didn’t because I only know how to function as a chaser and with him there was no challenge, only sweet sweet safety.

Every girl dreams for a man that will love her with every inch of his soul and I, I let mine down. I’ve learned you do not look for the one who compliments you, you, you look for the one that completes you. The one that will bring you new experiences, the one you can teach, the one who will listen without question, the one who dares you to swim with the sharks, and withholds judgment as you plot a crazy course. You, you go for the one person who dares to wait for you.