As we are growing up we are never told “not all babies are born alive.” No one ever talks about pregnancy loss. It’s taboo. I say it’s time to bring it to the fore front and to give credit to those who carry the loss of a child.

In May 2010 four bear paws were etched gracefully on the top of my foot. The tattoo artist asked me “why four tiny bear paws?” I said to him “I just lost my silver lining. In October I had a P.E. and stroke. On April fools day I found out I was carrying my son and on May 11th I found out he was gone. His name was Alucouis and we lovingly nick named him little bear. Where ever I go, I can now look down at my foot and know that my son is always with me.” I looked up and saw this burly tattoo artist wiping the tears from his eyes. In that moment my strength touched him and he gave me a permanent reminder of my son.

Alucious “Lucia” Gregory Beaulieu Cohen, Born Sleeping May 12, 2010

Lucia would be five this year. I can’t help to wonder how different my life would be and mostly what he would be like. Would he be like me, wild and care free or would he be a wall flower like his father. Would Lucia have curly hair or straight black hair like his dad. Mostly in quiet moments I wonder what his laugh and little voice would sound like. I got cheated out of five years, I got cheated out of a lifetime  with my son. My baby he will always be.

Its crazy how much one can miss a child they never got to hold. My heart will always have a hole and its name is Lucia. One little boy changed my life forever. No matter where I go or what I do in this world I will always have an angle on my shoulder. I want Lucia  to be proud to call me his mom and I want him to be the happiest baby in heaven. Lucia is and will always be my son. He is and will always be my parents first grandchild. Lucia is ours forever and one day we will see my sweet baby again.

Until that time comes, I am going to cherish every moment of borrowed time I have on this earth. My heart may be broken, but it still has a whole lot of room for love and I know Lucia would want to be a big brother one day. I want nothing more than to hold Lucia’s siblings in my arms under his tree. He will be the wind that rustles the leaves and they will know his love.