Five years ago when I lost my son I had a botched D&C that left my uterus with more scars than healthy tissue. They told me that because of my broken uterus I would never carry another baby. I’ve spent thousands of dollars and traveled the country looking for a specialist who would tell me otherwise. At then end of the day they all had the same answer and I had to learn how to live with it. When I turned 30 I accepted the fact that the only baby I would ever carry was in heaven and that there would be no more. This was the card I was dealt and I have to play that hand until the very end.
Surviving is only half the battle. One has to learn how to live with the unknowns and the would haves. Each night as I lay my head down I ask God to bring me a family, more than anything I want to be a mom. I want nothing more than to have a child. Every day as I walk to work I pass dozens of pregnant women, they look so happy and swollen. I want that glow and swollen body, I want to be pregnant more than anything. I wish and I pray, but at the end of the day they are just unheard wishes and prayers.
Fate she is funny. She and I have a very rocky relationship. Sometimes we get along and other times she is beating me into the ground. Lately she has been nice, I got the promotion I wanted at work, the Nuvaring lawsuit is wrapping up, and I have a man who adores my every quirk. Me more than anyone knows that with the good there comes bad. So I have been looking up at the sky waiting for it to fall, checking the ground for pot holes, and instinctively dodging curve balls that do not exist. Maybe for once fate is going to let me be and finally have a few moments in the sun.
I long for the sun and the sweet calm that arises after the storm. On Mother’s Day fate stepped in. I realized that my period was late. At first i didn’t give it a single thought and went on about my business. But then this feeling sunk in, a feeling of what if. So I gave myself a pep talk and bought a pregnancy test. I knew in my heart of hearts that it was going to be negative. I stared at it for a few moments and decided well they only way you are going to know for sure is if you pee on it, lord knows the test can’t read your mind. I took it, then set it on the sink. I continued washing my hands, I looked over and holy shit there was a bright blue plus sign. It appeared in less than 30 seconds. I immediately picked it up and dropped it on the floor. That couldn’t be right? It had to be wrong. There was no way.
There was simply no way. I sat on the floor and looked at the thing for a good 30 minutes before it sunk in that I was pregnant. Then it dawned on me that I had phone calls to make and close people to tell. I told Jay, he was excited yet terrified. My Mama was elated and I, I was fucking terrified. Terrified because being pregnant is like playing Russian roulette, it could go one way or the other. You just don’t know until that first ultra sound.
My first ultra sound did not give Jay and I answers. It left us in limbo. The gestational sac measures at 6 weeks 6 days which is spot on. However the sac was empty, we did not see a yolk or a fetal pole. The doctor she was optimistic that in a week we will most likely see a healthy little fetal pole beating away. At this moment I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I want to believe the doctor, I truly do, maybe the baby is just hiding or is stubborn. I fear that this pregnancy is most likely a blighted ovum and that fate is once again playing a fucking joke on me. Maybe it is not a joke, maybe it is a test.
My HCG came back at 8434, the nurse said that was a high number. But it is also the first number they have so the Doctor doesn’t know whether it’s falling or rising. I go in for another blood draw tomorrow, we want the number to double. On Friday we have another ultrasound and I pray with every fiber in my being that we will see at a yolk if not a little fetal pole beating away. I have been down this road before and it scares the shit out of me. With Lucia I had a two-week wait and that wait was worth it, we saw his little heart beat. I just pray that Friday will hold the same out come, because I want nothing more than to meet this little one in January. I want nothing more than to hold this little one in my arms. I want to be a Mama to a baby on earth, not just a Mama to a baby in heaven.
So if you have an extra prayer to spare please send it up for this little one. If you have an extra penny in your pocket and a wish to share please wish for this little one to stay. Because I want nothing more than to see a little healthy heart beating away on Friday’s scan. I survived the unthinkable and this little one is a survivor’s dream come true. This little one proves that the impossible is possible and that miracles still exist in this world.
Praying this little one is sticky.