Facebook told me in January/February that 6 of my friends were pregnant. It’s a reminder that I am still standing under my umbrella waiting for the rain to pass. Some women fall pregnant easily and then there are those of us who fight tooth and nail to get pregnant. Part of me is jealous of those women, my mind drifts to the land of what if where baby announcements and pregnancy photos exists. A land that I am fighting to be apart of. 

On days where baby announcements fill my news feed I lean on my fellow angel mamas and ask for words of peace. I once had a baby announcement, but Facebook wasn’t as popular back then so I had no place to really shout it. Just like I shared Lucia’s  announcement in a status update, I shared his death. I shared my struggle and I healed openly. I always thought I would get another chance to make a perfectly crafted announcement. That chance slipped through my fingers when we found out Baby E was never meant to be. Instead I once again shared a death, more quietly this time as I didn’t want to shout it to the world. My babies they will always be. 

Lucia and baby E were 5 years apart. According to doctors that’s 5 years to long. It will be two years this May since I was last pregnant. Again they say “that’s far to long.” Apparently doctors think women are magic baby making machines. In which I am the defective prototype sitting in the corner waiting for an update. Since October I have been seeing a reproductive endocronologist, she is nerdy and straight forward. Before I walked in the office she had formulated a plan, clomid wasn’t for me as it raised progesterone, so she skipped to level two. Femera with Ovidrel would be my ticket to motherhood. The doctor politely told me that IVF wasn’t for me as the medications used in the process can increase your risk for blood clots and that IUI was my best option. 

IUI it is!! It’s strange when you think about it. Cycle days 3 – 5 I take the Femera and then go in for a follicle check, if they are good we trigger with Ovidrel and then go in a couple days later for the IUI. Which if you have a fucked up cervix will be done by ultrasound. If everything is lined up you will end up with a baby, maybe. IUI does not guarantee that you will get pregnant. It comes down to science and timing everything just so. Our first IUI in February was a bust. Going in I knew that the first attempts are rarely a success and I didn’t want to get my hopes to high. I stayed even keel and waited for what I knew was a negative. 

So what happens after a negative? Well you repeat until you end up with a magical positive. This time around the doctor is bumping up the Femera and adding in progesterone after the IUI is completed. Who knows just maybe this will work and I will get a baby too. Femera and ovidrel with a little help from progesterone are my passes to motherhood. I’ve got all of my eggs in one basket, faith, a loving partner, and hope in my heart that one day our rainbow will come.