I currently have four boxes of generic Lovenox sitting on my kitchen counter. Seeing those boxes brought back a lot of old feelings and memories. This time I am no longer fighting to stay alive, instead I am fighting a battle to get pregnant.

Pregnant. Is a word that cuts through me like a knife. Being pregnant actually terrifies me. Part of me was hoping that the perinatologist would say no to my crazy endeavor. Instead she said "40 units of lovenox through Stims and 20 weeks gestation. At 20 weeks you will switch to 60 and so on." She advised that if I got pregnant with twins we'd have to double the dose. Twins, she approved me for two embryos, not just one but two. She is leaving it up to me to decide.

Getting an approval and a lovenox protocol assigned was the easy part. Now comes the hard part, growing eggs that lord willing will turn into healthy little embryos that will grow into our take home baby. I still haven't decided yet on one or two. We will wait to see how strong the embryos are. But first I just need to grow some eggs. Eggs are the only thing I can wrap my head around, the rest is just to magical for me to comprehend. Once I hear that they got eggs I will be at ease and start thinking about embryos. Step by step is how I am digesting this complicated process.

A process that has no guarantees. Just like We walked in, We can walk right back out empty handed. Take home babies are a gift and I have yet to be given one. God took my two babies before I even had a chance to say hello. In my heart I know my babies will hand pick our take home baby, their sibling on earth. When our child is old enough he/she know that he/she is my 3rd baby and that their siblings are in heaven. They died so that this baby could have a place in our arms, this baby to come will be the one who broke the storm, our rainbow.

Here's to healthy eggs that turn into embryos that turn into our take home baby and my sleeping babies who paint the colors of the sunrise.