I was this (AJ shows you her fingers almost touching) close to motherhood on Monday. Like so close I could imagine meeting my take home baby in 40 weeks close. Monday wasn’t meant to be our day. Don’t worry our little embryos are nestled back into the freezer and we will see them again soon. Just getting them back to me was harder than the Doctor thought.

You see when AJ was made a joke was played on her, she has a very complicated anatomy. I will spare you the details. Coupled with a botched D&C that left her cervix looking like a war zone filled with scar tissue, false passages, and hope. Those two things make it impossible, like they tried for an hour to get through said cervix impossible. Again I am going to spare you the details, just know it was pretty darn painful and stressful.

So where do we go from here? To surgery of course. Surgery to hopefully open said pain in the ass cervix and for the doctor to literally draw themselves a map so they know how to get in. Is it a guarantee? Nope, nope it’s not. But right no it’s all we’ve got. If it cannot be surgically opened and mapped our last resort is a gestational carrier, in which we don’t have Kardashian money so that is out of the question. The doctors are hopeful that they will be able to get into the cervix.

Now I know you are wondering “WTF AJ why didn’t they figure this shit out before hand?!” Like I get you and yes that was my question too. Truth is they ignored me because a lot of women say “I have complicated anatomy” and “10 times out of 10 we get in. You are actually my first.” And mistakes were made too. Communications fell on deaf ears and the nurses didn’t follow through nor did the doctor follow up. I’m sure if they could go back they would do it differently. But we can’t do that, we can only go forward with what we know now.

A plan is in place and they are going to do everything in their power to ensure that our embryos are transferred back to me. Am I angry? Yes of course I am, but I cannot let the anger take over. Am I stressed? Yes, yes I am, but once we get going on the plan it will fade. Has my PTSD bubbled to the surface? Why yes, yes it has and thankfully with the help of my therapist we will get through it. Dealing with medical trauma is no joke. I am going forward with an open mind and hope in my heart. Our turn may be delayed but it is still on the horizon and for that I am grateful.