The moment I have been prepping for is nearly here. All of the injections, blood draws, scans, pills and whatever else I have been through have lead me to this moment. To this very moment motherhood is only one embryo transfer away. It’s strange to think about. I walk in not pregnant and will walk out a few hours later pregnant until proven otherwise.
The pregnancy part scares me. The unknowns terrify me. I wish we could install a window in our bellies so we could see what they are up to. Ultrasounds give us a peek, but sometimes that peek is to much to bare. I’ve heard the words “there is no heart beat and followed five years later by “there is no yolk or fetal pole.” The ultrasound brought those words into my reality, they showed me that my children were no longer living. In those moments of grief I found hope. My heart she may be broken, but she is hopeful for a baby in her arms.
That hope and unwavering spirit brought me to IVF. IVF is not for the faint of heart, it is a battle from the start and you must keep going until you have nothing left to give. My stomach though bloated (leggings are my best friend right now), is a war zone full of bruised injection sites and estrogen patches. There is no guarantee that I will win this battle, that I will get to bring a baby home, but deep down I know that I gave it my all.
Sometime this month two beautiful little embryos will be transferred back to me with Jay at my side. The decision to do two wasn’t easy but based on my age, it is our best course. I pray with all of my heart that this will work, that some how some way God will settle the score and let me keep one or two of my own. He already has two pieces of me in heaven and my heart will always be broken, yet she has room for more. For more babies, more love, more hope, and mostly more strength.
Strength and faith are the only two things that have kept me going on this journey. Many times I wanted to fold, yet I dug deep and carried on. Losing two babies is more than one soul can handle, my heart goes out to the ladies who have more losses than I do. Those ladies, are the hero’s of this world as they are walking around with a tattered heart. My heart she may be broken, but she is ready. My turn has come, our rainbow is near, and soon I too will get to take a baby home.