As I walked through the skyway my phone rang. It was a number I have seen hundred of time and I instantly answered with worried hope. It was Park Nicollet, the genetic counselor was calling me to go over my test results. She informed me in a cheery voice that I was genetically normal, I have no deletions or translocations, my chromosomes are perfect. She went on to say that Jay was perfectly normal too and that our risk for an abnormal embryo is .00004%. Which means Jay and I are capable of creating normal embryos and I should be carrying a baby to term. Which is maddening because our baby died. We put two embryos in and only got one very wanted baby.

Relief is not what I feel. I am still holding my breath snow pea’s tests are still in process and right now her story is the only story that matters. I just know she’s gone and we do not have a why or a how to put behind it. Then again I’ve been tortured for eight years knowing that there was no reason for her big brother’s leaving. Lucia was genetically normal, his little heart just stopped and there was no reason for it, it just stopped. Baby E was an easier pill to swallow, poor baby had 69 chromosomes, that baby, our baby had a reason for leaving because one cannot live with 3 sets of chromosomes.

Three. Embryo #3 is safety tucked away in a cryo tank waiting for the day that their mother becomes strong enough to transfer it home. Today my mind isn’t there, I cannot fathom going through another transfer. Tomorrow I will change my mind and cling to the hope of what could be. Flip flopping is what I have been doing. The genetic counselor said that there is a high chance that Embryo #3 will most likely result in a normal pregnancy. It will be easier to make a decision of what to do with #3 when we get Snow Pea’s results. In a way I pray that something was wrong so that I can have a why and a how. It’s maddening, it is a blessing and a curse when they tell you “your child is normal and well we don’t know why he died.”

After Lucia died I honored him by having four small paw prints tattooed on my right foot. I knew in my heart that Snow Pea deserved to be a part of her mama to. So I searched the web until I found the perfect imagine of Snow Pea blossoms. Snow Pea is forever etched in my soul and on my skin, she will always be with us. When I look down it brings a smile to my heart, knowing that her memory is with me where ever I go. My baby she will always be.