Category Archives: Engaged Life

{Charlie} Ruin Is A Gift

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Love 2015
A few weeks back I was sitting in a park sipping on a berry white mocha with a dear friend when she brought up the fact that I no longer write about Charlie. She asked me “Do you not love him anymore AJ? Do you not miss him anymore?” The thing about loss is we never stop loving or missing someone. There are moments where I wish he would just pop up and start spewing advice that I don’t think I need. Charlie will always be apart of me and there is no removing him from my story. Charlie showed me and taught me what love was. He allowed me to put faith into another human being, he allowed me to move in a space that I didn’t even understand. The greatest lessons, those lessons came after his death. Ruin is a gift, it allows us to travel the road of transformation.

Earlier in the summer I sat at my sister’s kitchen table playing connect four with Sophia. As I dropped my black checker in the slot, I studied her face, how excited she was, how she knew she was about to win (I let her win), and about how Charlie would give anything to be here. I quickly wiped my tears away so she wouldn’t see and plopped the checker in the slot. It had been three years since I played a game of connect four and I could have sworn Charlie was in the room with us. I thought about Charlie as I held my nephew in my arms, about how he got cheated out of holding his brother Coleman’s babies and of how those babies got cheated out of an uncle.

Life it is unfair, there is no way around that fact, life is not kind to the soul. Some of us have to travel roads littered with loss, while others travel road littered with promise and certainty. I will take the harder road, because on that road I am living, as in truly living. Uncertainty reminds me to live in each moment, to breath in each moment, and to appreciate each day I am allowed to face the sun. No ones tomorrow is promised, all of us are ticking clocks and only fate knows when the last hand will strike. Almost dying taught me to live this way, to live in the here and now and to travel on the road less taken. Losing Lucia taught me that it was ok to be angry with God and it also reminded me that God knows what he is doing.

God does not desert us in the muck of our lives, he stays the course and sees that we come out of the muck changed. Losing Lucia prepare me for losing my second pregnancy. This time I was not angry, in it I found hope. The doctors were wrong. I have hope. Hope, that my body can and will support a growing pregnancy. It was a genetic accident, two sperm fertilized one egg and it just wasn’t meant to be. I walked away from this with faith that my 3rd time and Jay’s 2nd time will be the charm.

Charming, that is one word to describe Charlie, he had his quirks and his skills, but in the end he was charming. He took a broken woman and loved her back to health. In away I think Charlie knew that fate was not on his side and that he was preparing me to be another man’s wife. He died loving me and for that I am forever grateful. Charlie taught me to believe in love again and he reminded me of how to love someone. I had to learn how to love myself before I could love another person. I had to heal myself before I could even think about helping someone else heal. I had to just be, to just be in the moment and love being alone with the person in the mirror.

Love, I never lost her she was always there waiting in he shadows and when I was ready I opened my heart. Fate had a hand, an opportunity to love fell into my inbox on Veteran’s Day. That one email lead me to Jay, a man that I love and understand with all of my heart. His ability to be raw and open is what captured my heart. He is not perfect, then again no buddy is, yet he was exactly what I needed. Jay slipped a silver band on my finger in a motel swimming pool, in that moment his eyes were brimming with love and fear. We all fear what we cannot see, or touch or know, yet in those moments of fear we let the light and love shine through. In those moments we become our best selves and open our hearts to those around us.

Charlie is always with me and a part of my heart will always belong to him. Even thou he is dead, Charlie is still teaching me from the grave. Every now and then I look up at the stars and whisper the constellations to a man I cannot see. That man will be honored when I marry Jay, when we give our future child the middle name Rae, when I take Sophia to Paris and each day that I live the best life possible. Charlie would want me to be happy. Charlie would want me to live a life outside of the shadow of grief and to have the love that he never got to have. An I am doing just that, I am fine with the fact that change is constant and that I cannot control fate. I am deeply in love, I am hopeful, and I am present in this life.

{Muppet like Dog} It was me who got rescued 

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Cullen’s Freedom Ride

 It’s hard to believe that five years ago today I left work sick “cough cough” and drove 6 hours to get a dog. A dog that I had never seen, but Pam and Carrie said was the perfect fit for me. I trusted the Whipstaff Ranch ladies and I knew in my heart that this was meant to be. 

They told me his name was Cullen, that he was mistreated and locked in a crate for the majority of his life. He was just another puppy mill victim awaiting death because his coloring was off and he couldn’t be sold. 

The ranch caught wind of this and rescued Cullen and his brothers from their unavoidable fate. Cullen was the last to find a home, for he was to shy and afraid of the world around him. This little one would need an understanding heart and unconditional kindness to bring him out. 

In their minds I was that understanding heart, Carrie and Pam believed in me and allowed me to be his mom. Cullen had this look of fear in his eyes, a fear of the unknown. He was leaving the only kind souls he knew and heading off into the unknown. He was broken, but not defeated. Carrie hugged Cullen and told him “watch over her and have a good life sweet boy” and she placed him in the back seat of the Prius. With a heart filled thanks we headed off on the long drive back to the city.

The city is very different from Solaway, it’s filled with new sounds, smells, and OMG grass! Cullen was unsure of me, he found solitude under my bed. He would only come out to eat or drink when I was at work. I spent my nights laying on the floor staring at a terrified dog, often crying and wondering “did I do the right thing.” I was freshly separated, on the heels of a divorce, and this was my companion and he didn’t want anything to do with me. That is until about a 10 days later, I was playing angry birds on my iPad and I felt something wet on my knee. I looked down and there was Cullen with his chin on my knee looking at me like “I’ll be your dog if you be my human.” 

Cullen jumped into my lap and I sobbed into his scruffy little head. From that moment on he has been joined to my hip.  Cullen goes where ever I go and he is never that far behind me. Overtime he found himself, the little shy dog faded and the super dog took hold. 

Cullen found his bark, prefers paper over toys, only wants his treats to be chewy and not crunchy. He prefers that his dinner come from the fridge and not a bag. He thinks he’s a cat, tiny dogs are not his thing, now show him a cat and he will make a new best friend. Mention Grandma’s house and he is at the door ready to go. He is my trusty little side kick and I will go to the ends of the earth to protect him. 

 I may have rescued him, but in the end it was me who got rescued. Cullen has been the constant in the ever rolling sea of change. He took the loneliness out of the long nights, in his eyes I found peace and nudges from his big gray nose reminded me that I am never alone. Together we took on the world, he brought me out of my shell and helped me find myself. 

This little dog of mine has seen me through the good, the bad, and the darn right ugly parts of my life. He kept me company when I was recovering from surgery, we made countless new friends both two and four legged at the dog park, and he judged all of my dates and let me know which ones were keepers. Cully nuzzled up against me as I wrote charlie’s eulogy and he stood by my side as I packed up Charlie’s things. Charlie loved cully as much as I did. He understand  that the muppet like dog was the glue that held me together. 

With time my heart healed. I was ok with being single and went about my way. On Veterans Day a new man walked into our lives and to cully’s surprise he had cats! To my surprise cully hopped right up on the couch and sniffed Jay, wagged his tail and waited for a scratch. In that moment I knew cully approved and I slowly began to let myself fall in love with Jay.

Nine months later we are planning a wedding and mostly a future together. This little rescue dog of mine is proudly going to walk his mama down the isle. There is no better way to start the next chapter of my life, than with Cullen at my side. 

photo by Stephanie Rryan Photography

 

For it was me who got rescued that August day.

{Engaged Life} Jay Asked, and I said……………….

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loveFive years ago on July 4th I stepped into the unknown. I’ve always had a plan or a solution, for the first time in 27 years it was just me and the unknown. What lay in the unknown terrified me and kept me up at night. I was so worried that I would never make it on my own. Little did I know that first step was the beginning of one beautiful disaster.

In order to find out who AmandaJean was I, I had to lose it all. My life, it was patiently waiting for me. Navigating Fate’s pot holes and curve balls became my specialty. I have loved only to lose, I have stood only to fall, and through it all you have been by me. Together we have faced the good, the bad, and the down right ugly moments of my life.

Have Bear Will Travel became the story of a Single Uptown Girl and her muppet like dog. An for some unknown reason thousands of you joined me on my journey. I am still amazed to this very day that my story has and will continue to change lives. Through this blog, with each word I type I realize that I mattered in this world and that my second chance was worth fighting for. That God, he didn’t make a mistake, he gave me a second chance to find myself and in the process a small town girl changed the world around her.

Jay fell into my inbox on Veteran’s day and every day there after has been a dream come true. I have a man at my side who loves me completely, he see’s that I am more heart than scars and encourages me to change the world. My made up stories about his cat Dexter’s adventures make him laugh and with each smile he melted my heart. I knew that without a doubt that he was the one I was meant to spend eternity with. There was no other man worthy or strong enough to stand beside me. In Jay’s love I found the best me.

I have openly referred to the State of Wisconsin as “God’s Country” and one of my favorite places in Wisconsin is, Wisconsin Dells aka “the largest most well thought out tourist trap”. This past weekend I introduced Jay to all the things The Dells had to offer. We took a carriage ride through The Lost Canyon, took a boat ride in the Upper Dells, walked through the shops, bought the “good” gummy bears, swam in the hotel pool, and spent our nights fireside.

The pool was our refuge against the hot Wisconsin summer, I was getting my float on and minding my own business when Jay swam up. He turned me around, his eyes in that moment were brimming with love, a smirk told me he was nervous, and out from his swim trunk pocket came a simple silver band (aka the placeholder), he took my hand in his, and lovingly asked me to be his wife and I said yes. Its the end of an era, Have Bear Will Travel will no longer be about a single girl and her muppet like dog, it will be about a couple’s journey into engaged life with a side order of subscription boxes and heart health.

In this beautiful disaster, I found love. I finally have what eluded me and I am never letting go. I am over the moon excited and I cannot wait until the day I get to call Jay my husband. My dad, he is going to sit this one out and let the muppet like dog walk me down the isle. For five years Cullen has stood at my side as my faithful little sidekick, so it is only fitting that he give me away to Jay on our wedding day.