Category Archives: survival

{The Ugly Side of Divorce} – How One Girl Got Her Kung Fu Back

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I was sitting on my couch sipping a cup of coffee looking at my Christmas tree when it hit me, I was no longer struggling. That I was no longer struggling to figure out who I was or where I was headed, and mostly no longer worrying about bills. In 2010 I made the choice to leave a terrible firm and take a $12 an hour job working foreclosures and that was my spiral.

Freshly divorced and barely making ends meet. I cried myself to sleep most nights. Durring the day I put a smile on and acted like my life was perfect. It was far from perfect, I wasn’t fine and it hurt. Life wasn’t supposed to be this way. I went from a plush lifestyle where we didn’t worry about money to that’s all I could think about. I knew something had to give and I needed a different job. Creditors called me more than friends did and the debt it just got taller.

I use to work in consumer debt collections as a paralegal and now I suddenly found myself in their shoes. I use to think “yea right” when a woman would say her ex husband had screwed her over. Then I found myself in that woman’s shoes and I didn’t have a clue on what to do. One thing I did know was that I didn’t want the debt to haunt me forever and little by little I paid it down. I learned to live lean and to only do what I could afford. Every bit of overtime I made went towards my debt and I cashed in part of my 401k to pay off medical bills. It has taken me almost two years, but now the only debt I have is my student loans and thankfully I can finally start paying on them.

Divorce may look easy, yet it is the ugliest thing I have ever gone through. It brought me to the brink, to the bottom, and eventually I struggled inch by inch to the top. Divorce taught me that as a woman I can not depend on a man to take care of my finances, I have to be the one in control. Truth: when I left my ex-husband I had no idea how to pay bills or even do an account transfer. I had to figure it out and plan out my pay checks. I had to do my least favorite thing and that was create a “budget”. Budget was such a dirty word to me and now its a part of my daily life. Budgeting has taught me how to plan for trips and those unforeseen expenses. Like dropping your cell phone in Old Navy. Only to pick it up and realize “shit, the screen is fucking cracked to hell” Thankfully I had cash on had to pay for a new phone. For once I didn’t have to worry about where the money was going to come from. An that was the best feeling in the world.

The feeling of not having to worry about “how am I going to pay for this?” I didn’t want to fork the $129.00 over for my clumsy mistake as it cut into the money I had saved for shopping. I have always loved Black Friday, I am one of those girls who refuses to pay full price for anything that is not edible. If it’s not on sale or if I don’t have a coupon, then I don’t need it. I always shop for clothing at the end of the season and save about 75% off retail, shoes I wear them until they fall apart, same with purses. I rather spend money on a quality product that will last me than spend a ton of money on cheap stuff that falls apart. Since my shopping budget was cut by $129.00 I had to rework my shopping plan. My living room is currently being taken over by presents. I bought gifts for seven people on Thursday/Friday and my grand total was $126.98. Even thou my bank account was down $129.00 I was still able to buy everything I had on my list and not have to worry about my account being in the red. Everything is wrapped and tucked under my tree.

This is my first Christmas where I am not worried about money, about being alone, or my health. Its been a long road, a long three years and I can say that I have finally arrived. My bank account is in the black, my bills are paid, being alone isn’t so bad and for once in three years I am finally not sick. I have gone an entire year without a kidney infection. According to my doctors we are winning the war, yet my future is uncertain. I have chosen to take my disease one battle at a time and one day I will conquer the staph virus that has taken up residence in my kidney system. My heart is strong and my lungs they are doing their best to keep me going. Today is great, yesterday is behind me, and tomorrow has yet to be determined. I have learned to live each day like its my last and to be thankful for every single thing I have.

For now I am happy that I can hold Sophia, tell her stories, and watch her grow. I am thankful to see Nylan one Saturday a month. One Saturday a month may not seem like much to you. However I know that all it takes is one day to build a memory that will last a lifetime. My love for Nylan will never cease, he is one of my greatest joys and I am greatful that I get to watch him grow. In Nylan’s eyes I will always be the woman he calls “Nannie” and that is all right with me. Charlie once told me “AJ if you believe hard enough the pieces of your life will fall into place.” Charlie was right, even thou he is gone the pieces of my life have fallen into place. This is my first Christmas without Charlie, yet I can feel him around me and I know that he is pushing me on to the next peak. Charlie would never give up on me and because of him I will never give up on myself. I am truly blessed to have such amazing friends, colleagues that put up with me, and one hell of a family that refuses to let me stand alone.

While sipping my coffee the worries were quietly silenced and I looked up at my tree with a smile. The muppet sat beside me sniffing the steam from my cup, I rubbed his goofy head and said “we made it pal.” A few tears began to fall and it started to sink in that I was finally “alright”. Three years of struggling led to this moment and I am finally comfortable in my own skin. My struggles will remind me to never turn my head away from someone who needs help and to smile at every stranger I meet, for they could be fighting a harder battle. I know what its like to be in their shoes, to feel lower than low, and to lose hope. The only difference is, I had people who believed in me. They never let me give up and always told me to keep fighting the good fight. I never stopped fighting. I plunged, dove, kicked, and punched until I got my kung fu back.

{Dating} Baggage – We All Have It

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We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. Each of us carries a suitcase full of memories, hopes,and dreams. There are times where I feel that I need to be strong and show the world that I am not a statistic. I am a hopeless romantic. I of all people should turn away from the quest of love, I divorced my husband only to find myself standing at the graveside of my fiance. I of all people know that life is not fair and that nothing goes as planned. There are days where I say “Fuck it” and just sit on my couch watching Lifetime movies. Then there are the days where I am determined to prove to the world that I am more than a statistic, I am one hell of a survivor.

In away I am lucky because I know what its like to love with every fiber in my being. I know what its like to say I love you and mean it with all of my heart. I’ve been filled with trust, honesty, and the illusion that those would carry us through to death do us part. Four years ago I meant every word I uttered on my wedding day. Part of me wants to believe that Scott believed in the words he said, then again his actions prove otherwise. He will always be apart of my story and mostly he will always be Alucious’ father. I have him tucked neatly in the bottom of the bag and carry him along as a reminder. A reminder to never give up my dreams for a man. I will however fall for someone who believes in my dreams.

Alucious will always be a part of me. You never get over the death of a child you just learn how to live with it. I think about him every now and then. I wonder if he would have his father’s eyes and my curly hair. One thing I know is that he would have been stubborn just like his Mama. Alucious would have been two this year. I have faith that he is resting safely in heaven and that his death was part of the master plan.

Last December Charlie and I were making plans for our wedding and planning the rest of our lives. Or at least that’s what it seemed liked. I was paging through wedding magazines looking for the perfect lace wedding gown and pinning down our colors. I found the dress, it was a beautiful lace ball gown with pockets sown into the seems, and a gorgeous gecko green sash around the waist. Charlie teared up when I showed him the picture of the dress. He said “I can’t wait to marry you AJ. You are going to look stunning.” He never got to see me in the dress, our wedding day was never to be. On Valentines day my life once again changed forever and two days later my heart broke.

I got to help make the plans for his funeral. I decided to wear a charcoal dress with a green cardigan (Green was Charlie’s favorite color), black tights, and my red pea coat. My red stood out like a beacon against the pallbearers. I walked in front of the casket as it was carried up the hill, holding back every tear I could and then I crumbled. Life isn’t suppose to be like that, no one should have to bury their fiance.

At 29 I was no longer a divorcee who lost a child, I was now a widow of sorts. In times of sorrow I turn to my faith, my family, and the muppet like dog. Faith gets me through, family reminds me its ok to cry, and the muppet takes me on walks where my mind can wonder. Dwelling on the past does nothing but open the wounds and pulls me back into the land of “what if.” No human should live their lives in the land of “what if.” What if only brings heart ache and keeps you in the past. So I tucked Charlie into my suitcase and marched on.

It took me a while to start dating again. August was when I felt brave enough to give it another shot. Lucky for me all it took was one date. I wake up to “Good Morning sunshine.” He calls me a goof and laughs at my lack of navigation skills. I’ve never been good with maps and driving directions. My bags are fully open, he knows about the past and it doesn’t phase him. He has his own baggage, when he opened it, I didn’t blink an eye. Instead I said “Its all right, we all make mistakes, that was the past and this is now.” Our baggage is out in the open and I am learning to fall, to feel, and to just be.

{Happy Birthday} Hello 30!

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One little Ninja and her Mama
October 27th, 1982

You have no idea how excited I am to put my twenties behind me. My twenties were amazing yet terrible at the same time. In truth I wouldn’t trade them for the world, they made me into one hell of a woman.

In ten short years I traveled the world, graduated college, bought a Prius and a house, got married, became a mom to Nylan, had a pulmonary embolism induced stroke, became a mama to a baby in heaven, got divorced, adopted a muppet like dog, hit rock bottom, and found myself. The only thing in the above equation I plan on repeating in the next ten years is travel, marriage, house, prius, dogs, and kids. Thats it no ifs ands or buts about it. Then again I of all people should know that we really don’t have control over our lives. The only thing I can control is how well I live my life. An I am determined to live one hell of a life.

Not having a plan used to scare the crap out of me. Now its a thrill. When I walked out on my ex husband I didn’t have a clue on what my life was going to be like. I just knew that it had to be better and that someone out there would love me. I dabbled in dating only to come up empty-handed. Turns out Mr. right was waiting in the wings. Charlie was an amazing man who was brave enough to take on my baggage. He patiently waited for me to drop my bags at the door and walk into his life. Charlie made me feel like anything and everything was possible. Mostly he showed me that love does exist, it’s not just a dream. Love is worth waiting for ladies, it truly is. The biggest lesson of my twenties was “don’t go for Mr. Right now, instead hold out for the one who takes your breath away.” Don’t get me wrong, I will always have a tiny place in my heart for my ex husband, at the end of the day he just wasn’t the one.

My ex showed me what it was like to be last. Scott always put my wants, needs, and well me last. I was never a priority in his life and what I needed didn’t matter to him. My dreams were shoved to the bottom of the pile, heck I gave up law school for him. Yet, I am glad I met Scott. Because without Scott I would never have met Nylan. Nylan will always be my first son and one of my greatest joys in life. This equation proves that there is always good in the bad, we just have to pick out the good parts and sweep the bad a side. You can guarantee that Nylan and I will continue our bond into my thirties. Any man I date will have to realize that I have a date with Nylan one Saturday a month and that date will never be cancelled on.

Dates are funny little things. Some dates stick in our minds and others leave us forever changed. I am not talking about dating rather the dates on our calendars. April 3 2005 Scott and I had our first date, November 13 2006, Scott asked me to marry him, and on May 31 2008, Scott and I said I do. October 22, 2009 is a day I will never forget. That was the day I had my PE induced stroke. May 12, 2010 was the day I found out that the child I was carrying had died and June 27 2010 was the day I walked out on my marriage. August 13, 2010, was the day I adopted the muppet like dog. On September 24, 2010 I quit my job and on December 23 2010, my divorce was finalized. May 27 2011, was the day I started at the big firm. January 27 2012, I became an aunt, February 6 2012, was the day I started at the little firm and on February 16, 2012 Charlie died. The above dates are forever engraved in my memory. All other dates are irrelevant and are trivial compared to the moments that changed my life. Each and every one of us are a collection of dates. Dates tell us how far we’ve come, how long we’ve loved, and how long someone has been gone. My hope is to only add happy dates to the running list during my thirties. Lord knows I could use some happiness to go along with the bad.

I’ve stuffed a lot of living into ten short years. Even I look back and think “Holy Shit AJ! Do you realize you’ve been to Egypt, lived in a Palace, snorkeled in Alaska, and Zip Corded trough the jungles of Belize?” Then I look at my scrap books and say “Yup, I sure did!” Incredible is the one word I’d use to describe my life. Its been incredibly strange, awesome, and darn right tough at times. Hitting rock bottom gave me the strength to dig out and find my way to the top. Now that I am on top, no one will ever knock me down again. The past ten years have taught me to hold my ground and to fight for my place on the mountain. My heart is strong and I have vowed to never lose myself again. I am going to savor my place on the mountain and enjoy the time I’ve borrowed.

I am going to enjoy the time I have on this earth and will not dwell upon the past. Sure I have questions that will go unanswered. I will never understand why my ex husband stopped loving me or why I had to be the one who suffered a PE induced stroke. Mostly I’ll never understand why God called my son Aloucious and Charlie home. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around what was going through that drunk drivers mind the day that Charlie died. Nor will I ever understand why my ex husband chose to stay in Vegas and push his grieving wife a side. I just know that one day it will all make sense. That in life we cannot have the good without the bad. It has to make sense, otherwise every moment of the past ten years was worthless. My faith tells me that each moment is part of a grander plan. I may not understand that plan, yet I am willing to go where ever fate takes me.

A Toast:

To one more incredible borrowed year on this earth. May year number 30 be filled with love, adventure, hope, and more laughter than one soul can handle. Goodbye 29 and Hello 30!

{Hearts} On 22 – Survival Looks Good On You

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It’s hard for me to believe that three years have all ready come and gone. I am a different woman, my strength is through the roof, and my spirit does not quiver at challenge. I’ve spent the last three years working my ass off to get my body back, did some rearranging in my life and found myself. I am greatful that I had the pulmonary embolism induced stroke, without it I wouldn’t be the AmandaJean you know and love. Without it I would still be the shy wife sitting at home wondering where my husband was. Instead I am a woman who wonders what will my future hold.

My future is uncertain, today is all ready here, and my dreams are best left to fate. Fate is what brought me here. Three years later it still bugs the shit out of me that my whole ordeal could have been prevented. Had I not used the ring and if only my doctor did the test. The blood clot could have been detected be for it hit my lungs and my heart. A day doesn’t go by where I do not say a silent prayer for those who didn’t make it. Four had to die so I could be the one out of five who survived.

Spending time with Nylan and my niece Sophia

I am the one who lives her life for the four who didn’t make it. I live my life for all of the woman who never got to meet their nieces, hug there kids, or say I love you to their fathers. Those women and their families got cheated out of a lifetime of stories. While I cheated death and gained another chance at life. This is my third go around (I almost died when I was little) and I know one day my luck will run out. But until that day comes I am vowing to live one hell of a life filled with love, advocacy and adventure.

My body has been through alot. I am ok with the fact that it will never be the same. Trust me I’ve spent countless hours trying to will my pre-PE body back, it didn’t work. I decided it was best to work with what I’ve got and to celebrate everything it can do. My body has brought me to some pretty great places and it did after all carry Aloucious for a little while. I am doing my best to take care of my surviving heart. Walks with the muppet like dog and an organic diet keep me strong. Feeling winded reminds me to be humble and to thank the lord for my third chance at life.

The third time is a charm. I am not sure what God has in store for me, I just know he didn’t bring me this far to let me down. I’ll never know why this happened to me. I cannot change the fact that it happened nor can I turn back time. So I choose to move forward and not dwell on the why but more so the how. Then again the how makes me a little angry so I usually skip that too. I channel my emotions into advocacy and community awareness. This keeps me sane and reminds me that every dream is worth fighting for.

It is my dream that during my third lifetime we will put an end to heart disease and stroke. To silence the number one killer of women in America. It is my dream to see stricter regulations and warning labels on hormonal contraceptives. No woman who pops the pill or uses the ring should have to experience the hell I’ve walked through. I’ve got a big dream, this I know. However I have faith that one day it will come true.

So here is a toast: A toast to one more incredible borrowed year on this earth. A year filled with love, adventure happiness, and more laughter than one soul can handle.

Thank You

When I think about the staff at Woodwinds Health Campus in Woodbury and more importantly my nurses and Dr. Anderson thank you just isn’t enough. Without them I would not be alive today. I am forever in debt to my care team and I am greatful for what they did that day to save my life. Mostly I am greatful because they believed in me and knew that I would bounce back.

Thank you to all of my friends and family who have been there since day one of my heart healthy journey. Without your love and support I wouldn’t have made it this far. Thank your for listening to me complain, drying my tears and cheering me on to a better day. That day we’ve dreamed of is here and I am greatful to have all of you by my side.

{Dating} Writing A New Chapter

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Life has a way of moving on and healing our wounds. We cannot have happiness without pain. They go hand in hand. A life without pain is a life not lived. There are those who sit safely at the road side and never dare to get on the track. Then there are the dreamers who keep on running until their dreams run out.

I’d like to believe that I am a dreamer and that I will run as far as my surviving heart will take me. My Mama use to tell me “If you believe in yourself, anything is possible in this world. You my child can do anything that you are brave enough to dream up.” We are braver than we think we are and smarter than we could ever imagine.

I have to be brave, some days being brave is the only thing I have to hold on to. Take dating for instance, to me dates are always like job interviews. You exchange the niceties, job info, life status and so on. Over the past few years I have become guarded and do not spew my life story on first date. Instead I choose to hand it out one layer at a time. Some parts have caused men to run and others chose to stay. Part of me realizes that when I go on a date, I compare every detail of a mans life to Charlie’s life. Charlie is the good that I know and I also take side notes to see if the guy could turn out like the ex husband.

In away I am lucky. Lucky, because I know what worked and what didn’t. Then again I also know what its like to have your heart tore out and stomped on. I have been humbled by the fact that Charlie loved me until his last breath. Charlie showed me that it was possible to love someone with every fiber of my being. He showed me that no matter what happens to us, our love never dies. That love does not disappear when we are gone, it lives on. Love is our legacy.

An I am writing a new chapter in my legacy. I am putting one foot forward and following my heart. Internet dating sites turn my apartment into my own little speed dating session. With the click of a mouse I can say yes or no and move on to the next profile. Truth: I can stand in front of thousands and shout to the world, yet I clam up like a Louisiana oyster on a first date. So for me a string of emails breaks the ice and lets me know what I am getting into. Most of the time I get bored and that string leads to nowhere. But, sometimes I get lucky and meet the person in real life. Well sometimes real life isn’t the best either, there is a reason why I have a google number.

Then there are those moments where I quite the voice in my head and say “just be AmandaJean. Stop analyzing and jus be.” An that is exactly what I did one steamy August evening. I peeled a few layers of my story off over dinner and slowly let a country boy walk into my life. An for now he is a keeper and with each new day another chapter is penned on the pages of my life.

{Ninjas} Shrinkable When Wet

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With each new year comes change. For me 2012 has been full of change I started a new job, became an Aunt and lost my best friend. I’ve had moments of sadness following by un-containable joy. In January I decided to follow the words I’ve been preaching and to truly embrace a heart healthy life style. My pants were to tight, my stomach was not awesome, and mostly I didn’t feel like me. I needed to feel good in my own skin and to like the girl standing in the mirror. Fuck, I needed to love the woman I saw in the mirror.

That’s me! My photo was taken at the Go Red for Womens Health Luncheon in Minneapolis MN.

I haven’t been a twig since the fifth grade. In truth I it was never in my genes for me to be a twig. My sister she is slender and I am not. I got the Ojibway genes. Ojibway women have baby making hips and small waists. Over the years I have had to come to terms with my body type and embraced my curves. After all slender girls have tiny boobs and I like the rack I am carrying around. Thou they do get in the way when I am playing golf and doing other things. Mostly I came to terms with the fact that I cannot change the genes I was born with. However I can choose to live a healthy life. Because when you are healthy you are happy.

For me I wanted to get back to my pre-stroke self (I still hold out hope for my old life). In reality I will never be the way I was before my stroke. I have to move forward and do the best I can with my broken body. Running, aerobics, and lifting heavy weights are things I will never be able to do again, my poor lungs can’t take it. On the bright side I have two feet and God made those feet for walking. Lucky me I live near Calhoun and have a little dog that loves to explore the path around the lake. Each morning we suit up, put our shoes on (well my shoes), and head on down to the lake. I take him for an extra long walk at dusk too.

Walking was my exercise so I checked that item of my list and set out to tackle my food. I am not going to lie, I love cookies, chips, cheese, bacon, and everything else they say is bad for us. I am normal, normal just like you. However I knew something had to give because my kidneys were not liking the salt and I felt yucky. Lunch was an easy thing to change. One of the benefits of working in downtown Minneapolis is the skyway. The skyway has so many lunch options and the food trucks are like heaven on the street. I didn’t bring a lunch to work, instead I ate out every single day. My wallet and my waist line protested. One of the disadvantages of working in the burbs is that you are not close to anything and have to drive somewhere to get lunch. Truth: I am lazy, once I am at work I do not want to drive somewhere for lunch and come back to the office. Laziness worked in my favour and I pack a lunch each day. Packing a lunch totally controlled my calorie intake and my waist line finally stopped protesting.

Shameless Bathroom shot! August 2012. Down two pant sizes! Hip Hip Hooray!

Before I knew it my pants became to big and I was pulling them up as I walked around the office. I did this discretely of course, Girls you know the shuffle, yea I perfected that. By June I was down two pant sizes. I repeat TWO pant sizes and thank God my boobs didn’t shrink! Bras are expensive and well for the price of one bra I could buy two pairs of pants. I am a frugal girl at heart. My coworkers started taking notice and I finally liked the girl I saw looking back at me in the mirror. I am not a stick, my pants size is till in the double digits. Pant size doesn’t matter to me. What matters is how I feel in my own skin.

Each of us should feel incredible in our own skin and love the person in the mirror. Take it from me, it takes work to stay fit and to eat healthy. There is no such thing as a magic pill or an instant fix. So ignore the infomercials and the ads in the magazines. Put your heart into it and soon you will see results. I look at it this way, I only have one body. My body thanks to the birth control I used is fucked up. I have to live with my broken body for the rest of my life, I don’t have a choice. However I can choose to treat it well and then maybe one day it will only be a little fucked up. Regardless of whether or not you are living in a fucked up or healthy body, you need to take care of yourself.

Remember that Ninjas are shrinkable when wet and an after brisk walk glow looks good on every body!

{Charlie} Moments of Impact

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They say a lady knows when she is ready to move on. She knows when to let go of the past and walk into her future with an open heart. She knows how to love like she is dying because the one who had her heart died loving her.

Our lives are nothing but moments. Most of the moments are trivial, however there are the ones that impact our lives so greatly we are forever changed. When that impact hits us we will never walk the same course again. We can dream about what was, we can long for it, but at the end of the day what was will never ever be again. I have come to realize this over the past 7 months, that my life will never be the same.

Over the past three years I have encountered several moments of impact, my blood clot tought me how to survive, the death of my child and the end of my marriage made me into the woman I am today. Those moments were filled with trial and tears, yet those are the moments that changed the course of my life. They charted the course for my life to collide with Charlie.

Collide is what we did. Charlie renewed my faith, taught me that love was more than just a word, and that life was a dream worth fighting for. I have enough memories to keep me company for a lifetime. While I am remembering Charlie, a young man in New York will alway be haunted by the moment he chose to get behind the wheel while drunk. His moment of impact changed the course of his life and that of five families forever.

Because of this man I am not able to say I do, instead I got to say goodbye. That day my dream ended. That day a part of my heart broke and I am afraid it will never be repaired. Justice tells us that he must pay for his crime. Is there really a punishment big enough for someone who took a life, who carelessly turned the key and drove down a freeway drunk. No there is not, if you ask me no there is not. Because for the rest of my life I have to live knowing that he is alive living his life, while my fiance is six feet under. That one day this man may get married and have children of his own, his life will go on once the prison door is opened, it will go on.

Charlie’s life ended that day. He dreamed of having a baby girl named Charlotte Rae, that dream died the moment his heart gave out. One decision, one moment of impact ended all of his dreams. He dream of being the first Native American to sit on the Supreme Court, he dreamed of a better day for his people. He dreamed of a better day for farmers and small business owners. He dreamed so big that those he left behind are stepping up and ensuring that his people will see a better day. That some day a Native American will sit on the bench, and see that large ag businesses will toppel and give way to the family farm.

That man sitting in a prison cell may have taken Charlie’s life, however he will not kill his dreams. Because Charlie’s dreams were bigger than the life he lead. Mostly because that young man will never know a man like Charlie, he will never love like he did, care like he did, or give like he did. Because Charlie was one hell of a man and I thank God every day that I collided into his life for a little while. I can live the rest of my life knowing that one man loved me until his last breath, his last moment of impact.

Step On Up! Pick A Surgeon, Any Surgeon

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Someone once told me “Oh you’re 22? Did you know you are supposed to be married by 23 and have the first of your two children by 25?” I just laughed that comment off at 22 and thought society projects the Betty homemaker image on us from the day we are born. No one ever told me growing up that I would have to fight like hell to hang on to what little fertility I have. No one never told me that at 27 I would lose a baby, under go a D&C that would leave my uterus punctured and scarred. No one ever told me that Asherman’s syndrome exists. Not even the surgeon at Allina told me that Asherman’s syndrome was a risk.

Then again the surgeon who did my D&C was so full of herself that she bragged “I’ve never punctured a woman in my 20 plus years of practicing medicine.” I remember telling her “don’t be so full of yourself, I am probably going to be the one you puncture.” With that sentence I jinxed myself and my fate was written on the wall. A fate I refused to succumb too. Two years ago a careless surgeon sealed my fate and took my fertility away. I’ve learned alot of scary things in the past few months. Things like if I were to carry a child to term my uterus could literally tare away or the baby could punch a whole in the uterine wall. If either of these things happened we would both be in serious trouble. Needless to say any pregnancy would be high risk.

As of right now I am single and have no prospects waiting in the wings. Sometimes I think being in a relationsip might make the decision to have the surgery easier. Then again I was without my partner on the day I had the original procedure. I have taken a lot of time to think about this and I can honestly say I am scared. Scared right out of my shoes. This procedure is a one time shot and there is a 50/50 chance for a successful outcome. I have a 50/50 shot of carrying a child to term one day. If the surgery doesn’t work I am without options. It’s hard for me to put my eggs in one basket when I know the odds. The odds are not in my favor, yet I have a small shred of hope that it will work.

I didn’t have a choice in this matter. It happened. Because of one careless surgeon my uterus is broken. Part of me wants to do everything I can to protect what I have left. Then again I think to myself “one day you just might be in a relationship or married. What if he wants children?” That question rings through my mind. They say its best to do the surgery now and not wait until I am ready to have children. If I waited not only will my dream be at stake, but his dream (who ever he is) would be at stake too. I do not want to be that woman who says “Yea we could have had a baby if ya know I had done the surgery when I was 29. I was single then, so oh well.” I have come to terms with my dream slipping away, however I will fight like hell to save the dream for whoever my future partner is. I just can’t think about today. I need to think about my future and how this will impact the rest of my life.

I have interviewed surgeon after surgeon and finally picked one. There are no do overs, there are no other options. I have to leave it up to fate and let lady luck ride. Hopefully she lands on red and I come out a winner.

{Bullying} Words In A Small Town

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Most of us will never know what its like to be bullied. Some of us are the bully and have no idea the harm we’ve cause. Then there are those who turn their heads and wish the problem went away. If we didn’t see it, then it never happened. Those that turn their heads are left wondering why when a young child takes their own life or when violence breaks out in the schools. The head turners could have stood up and stopped the fray before it boiled into outrage. They could have saved a life.

A couple of months ago I googled an old classmate, I heard rumors that she had sued a hotel for sexual harassment. Funny, I thought, you are suing someone for the exact same thing you did to me. The tables were turned and now she had found herself in my shoes. It probably never crossed her mind that she was once the harassor. I’d like to believe that somewhere deep down she has a heart and maybe slightly understands the pain she caused me. April was one of the people who listened to Sara and gathered her friends to make my life miserable. Rumors and laughter flew at my expense. I was either dumb, fat, ugly, and so on. They made fun of my clothing, my hair, my makeup, and the way I talked. Day in and day out this occurred within the classroom walls. Teachers didn’t care, they just turned their head, while I was dying inside.

It came to a head at our Choir’s annual Christmas show, that night was the worst. There taunts were terrible and down right sick. I was fighting the tears and lost it when I saw my Mom. I was crying so hard I could barely breathe, my Mom took my hand and told me it was going to be all right. When we got home my Mom told my Dad and he was furious. I told them “It’s no use the school isn’t going to do anything because Sara’s dad works for them.” My Dad didn’t give a shit and called her parents up that night, it wasn’t pretty but I do believe he got his point across.

You must know that I have been Sara’s target since the first grade. I have no idea why but I was always the subject of her torment. The morning after the choir concert my Mom demanded to meet with the principle and that set the ball in motion. The principle listened and made it very clear that Sara would not receive special treatment because her Dad was a school employee. Teachers and students were interviewed, the truth it came out. Just as I had stated Sara was harassing me. The principle left her punishment up to me. I told her “I just want to be left alone. Just stop.” Sara apologized to me and her Father apologized to my mother, he had no idea of his daughters behavior and made the comment “she got her punishment at home.” I figure what her Daddy dealt her was probably far worse than what I could come up with or what the school could do for punishment.

Life went back to normal, she left me alone. Yet the pain was still there and every step I took was filled with fear. Fear that they would start in again and try to break me down. I was trying to find my way and gain my strength. Slowly it came back. I knew college would be my ticket out of that small river town. After I got my diploma, I threw my hat in the air and burst into tears as my Mama wrapped her arms around me. I was not crying because I was happy to graduate. I cried because I was finally free. Free of their torment, free of the lies, rumors, and the pain they inflicted upon me. Mom told me once “Mannie, sticks and stones will break your bones, but words they will never hurt you.” My Mama was wrong, words they hurt, they hurt worse than a break and are forever etched into your soul. Their words have stayed with me.

Leaving Red Wing was the best thing I have ever done. Outside the limestone bluffs I found freedom. I look at Facebook updates (funny how they want to be my friend now) and see that most of them haven’t accomplished anything and hell a few are still living in Red Wing. When I left my wings were broken and weak. I often say I set out to discover my place in the world, but what I really found was myself. Its true I did, living overseas allowed me to put the past in the past and to fight for myself and my dreams. I grew a lot during my college years, developed real friendships, fell in love, and dared to live a life without fear. My life was no longer plagued by my tormentors I had set myself free. For the first time in years, I finally believed in me.

I have to believe that deep down both Sara and April know that what they did was wrong. Sara is currently pregnant and my only hope is that her son or daughter does not run into a girl just like their Mother. Maybe Sara’s son or daughter will come to her with tear-stained eyes and crying about the bullies that torment them at school. Maybe then Sara will realize the pain my Mother felt that night when her daughter came to her broken and tired of living a life of pain. Maybe Sara will realize the pain she inflicted upon me and then seek forgiveness within herself. Because forgiveness is something she will never get from me, I can forget, but I will never forgive.

Forgiveness is something I will never have for Sara or April. Now Cameron on the other hand I forgave, I forgave him because his wings were broken and his heart couldn’t go on. I forgave him one hot August day as I stood before his casket I whispered “May you find peace in heaven and know that I hold no hate towards you. I forgive you, now rest on the clouds of heaven.” I forgave and then started a chapter for the Light for Life Foundation, a suicide prevention program on my college campus in his honor. His friends were shocked and surprised that he never told them how he was feeling. I wasn’t surprised, he knew exactly what they were and that they would have made fun of him. He didn’t even trust his best friend with his pain, instead he chose to suffer in silence.

No one deserves to suffer in silence. Bullying is a terrible thing. I urge you to find the strength within yourself, stand up, and stand out until someone will listen to you. Suicide is not the answer, nor is violence. You can cut the cycle by standing alongside and speaking up for the bullied. Never turn your head away, open your heart and find it within yourself to give them the strength they need to survive. Dry their tears, hug them, and whisper “Go Ninja Go” into their ears. Then, they will know that they are not alone.

{Hearts} On 22 – National Stroke Awareness Month

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Stroke is the third leading cause of death in Minnesota, with 2,154 deaths in 2010, according to new data from the Minnesota Department of Health (MDH). To raise awareness of this rising problem Governor Mark Dayton declared May Stroke Awareness month. Not many people know or understand the symptoms of a stroke. Symptoms vary from person to person and can be hard to identify. Every second counts when a stroke strikes. A few seconds could mean the difference between life and death.

I like every other women in this country read the warning label on my hormonal contraception. I just like the rest of you thought “Hell, that never happens. They just put that on their label to cover their asses.” You know the line where it reads “Women over the age of 35 are at risk for blood clots and stroke while taking this medication.” I was only 26 and not 35 so I put little to no thought into it. The beauty behind hindsight is that it is only 50/50. My that will never happen to me moment came one cool crisp October morning.

I woke up feeling fine, grabbed my coffee, jumped in the Prius, and headed towards the freeway. Rush hour was terrible that morning and I wasn’t going anywhere fast. As I trudged along I started to have pain in my chest at first it was just annoying. Within a matter of minutes it went from annoying to stabbing, it felt like someone was trying to cut open my chest and rip my lungs out. The pain was getting worse and I could barely breathe, my left side started going numb and I started getting scared. I probably should have dialed 911, however I hit the Lexington parkway exit and went back towards Woodbury. To this day I can’t tell you how I made the drive from Saint Paul to Woodwinds health campus in Woodbury, someone up above was watching out for me that day.

All I remember is throwing my car into park and walking as fast as I could towards the Emergency room doors. The security guard saw me coming and reached out his hand just in time to keep me from collapsing on the floor. Next thing I know I am waking up to a nurse saying “Well it’s not a heart attack. Now are you going to help me take your clothes off or do I get to cut them off you.” Dazed and confused I quickly muttered “I’ll help.” The Dr came in when he got word I had come to and asked me a slew of questions. The Dr told me “You most likely have an infection in your chest so I am going to get you to x-ray.” I didn’t get an x-ray that day, instead I got a CT Scan. An infection would have been better than what I had in my lung. A Clot the size of a pea was blocking the main valve to my heart and I was stroking out. Within minutes my room was a fury of nurses and doctors. Clot busters were injected, blood pressure medication, heparin, and finally pain meds started to seep in to my veins. The Doctor looked me in the eye and said “You are one lucky woman, I shouldn’t be admitting you. You young lady, just beat death. Had you arrived just a few minutes later than you did, you would have died.”

You beat death, has stuck with me and I am greatful to be alive. I had my massive pulmonary embolism with infarction and stroke five days before my 27th birthday. Thursday October 22, 2009 was the day my life changed forever and I am greatful to be above ground.

Taken 2 weeks after my massive pulomanry embolisim with infarction and stroke.

So now I celebrate two birthdays. I have my pulmaversary party on the 22nd of October and my actual Birthday on the 27th. On the 22nd I toast to friends, give as many hugs as I can and thank God that I am alive from the bottom of my surviving heart. Because I could have easily been another casket in the ground instead of a survivor cherishing every step she takes.

Above ground is where I plan to stay and I am using my second chance to raise awareness of Strokes and Heart disease. I want to save someone from having to go through the hell I lived through. A healthy heart is a loving heart. A surviving heart is a greatful heart. A Greatful heart is a healthy heart that shouts from the roof tops. I am blessed to be a part of the Twin Cities community which raised nearly 2.2 Million Dollars at the annual Heart Walk. 10, 000 people gathered last Saturday to walk for a cause and to show the world that we want to silence the #1 killer in America. Companies shared our passion, survivors stood proudly, and some walked with heavy hearts. The walk brought us together, each of us bound by a common thread, and forever changed by heart disease. Some came because they wanted to be healthy, others came to honor their past, and the lucky ones stood with surviving hearts. I am one of the lucky ones. Yet I was reminded of my Father and my cousin Emma who died at the age of three. She was the original reason I started taking part in Jump Rope for Heart and then the Twin Cities Heart Walk. Emma was with me on Saturday, I wore her name on my back. I didn’t walk for my surviving heart, I walked for Emma and her transplanted heart.

I am part of the new generation. Stroke just doesn’t affect the elderly. It can hit anyone at any time. No one is immune and when a stroke hits every second counts. I beg you from the bottom of my surviving heart to learn the signs and symptoms of a stroke. Take it from me the very life you might save could be your own.

Unique Symptoms in Women

It is important to recognize stroke symptoms and act quickly.

Common stroke symptoms seen in both men and women:
•Sudden numbness or weakness of face, arm or leg — especially on one side of the body
•Sudden confusion, trouble speaking or understanding
•Sudden trouble seeing in one or both eyes
•Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination
•Sudden severe headache with no known cause

Women may report unique stroke symptoms:
•sudden face and limb pain
•sudden hiccups
•sudden nausea
•sudden general weakness
•sudden chest pain
•sudden shortness of breath
•sudden palpitations

Call 9-1-1 immediately if you have any of these symptoms

Every minute counts for stroke patients and acting F.A.S.T. can lead patients to the stroke treatments they desperately need. The most effective stroke treatments are only available if the stroke is recognized and diagnosed within the first three hours of the first symptoms. Actually, many Americans are not aware that stroke patients may not be eligible for stroke treatments if they arrive at the hospital after the three-hour window.
Unique Symptoms in Women information provided by the National Stroke Association

For more information on Strokes and Heart Health please visit: http://www.stroke.org and http://www.heart.org