Tag Archives: Child Loss

{Lucia} My Baby You Will Always Be

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As we are growing up we are never told “not all babies are born alive.” No one ever talks about pregnancy loss. It’s taboo. I say it’s time to bring it to the fore front and to give credit to those who carry the loss of a child.

In May 2010 four bear paws were etched gracefully on the top of my foot. The tattoo artist asked me “why four tiny bear paws?” I said to him “I just lost my silver lining. In October I had a P.E. and stroke. On April fools day I found out I was carrying my son and on May 11th I found out he was gone. His name was Alucouis and we lovingly nick named him little bear. Where ever I go, I can now look down at my foot and know that my son is always with me.” I looked up and saw this burly tattoo artist wiping the tears from his eyes. In that moment my strength touched him and he gave me a permanent reminder of my son.

Alucious “Lucia” Gregory Beaulieu Cohen, Born Sleeping May 12, 2010

Lucia would be five this year. I can’t help to wonder how different my life would be and mostly what he would be like. Would he be like me, wild and care free or would he be a wall flower like his father. Would Lucia have curly hair or straight black hair like his dad. Mostly in quiet moments I wonder what his laugh and little voice would sound like. I got cheated out of five years, I got cheated out of a lifetime  with my son. My baby he will always be.

Its crazy how much one can miss a child they never got to hold. My heart will always have a hole and its name is Lucia. One little boy changed my life forever. No matter where I go or what I do in this world I will always have an angle on my shoulder. I want Lucia  to be proud to call me his mom and I want him to be the happiest baby in heaven. Lucia is and will always be my son. He is and will always be my parents first grandchild. Lucia is ours forever and one day we will see my sweet baby again.

Until that time comes, I am going to cherish every moment of borrowed time I have on this earth. My heart may be broken, but it still has a whole lot of room for love and I know Lucia would want to be a big brother one day. I want nothing more than to hold Lucia’s siblings in my arms under his tree. He will be the wind that rustles the leaves and they will know his love.

{Divorced Life} April 3, 2005

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Ten years ago a bright eyed college junior walked across the Ross Hall Parking lot to hug her date. He had brown eyes and he was her cup of hansom. That day took them to canal park in Duluth, the ice was just letting out on the lake, the cool breeze landed her in his arms, and they had conversation over burgers at Grandma’s. She felt a tug like she never had before, with each word she fell for him. That night was the beginning of a beautiful disaster.

The Monday after our first date Scott called me and told me he had something to say. That if I wanted to walk away, he understood and that was ok. I waited, he took a deep breath and said “I have a son.” I excitedly asked “what’s his name, how old is he.” At 22 I stepped up to the plate and took on the role of stepmom. It’s a role that I cherished and I loved Nylan as he was my own.

Young love is full of passion with a dash of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what would happen if you veered from the vision you created and the path you dreamed of. Somewhere between 2005 and 2006 I threw caution to the wind and went all in. I graduated in May 2006, moved in with him in July and was engaged by thanksgiving.

Law school was put on the back burner and I started forming a new dream. I found a career in the pharmacy benefit management field and started planning our wedding. May 2008 seemed like a lifetime away, but in the wedding planning word it was just a day away. I planned every detail right down to our orange wedding cake.

Scott and I traveled the globe together. Cruises became our thing, we saw the Texaribian, Alaska, Africa and Europe. Money it wasn’t an object, we did what we wanted to. Scrapbooks were filled with photos of a happy couple and photos of the little family surrounded the home.

I just wasn’t marrying Scott I was marrying Nylan too. I raised Nylan like he was my own, we played together, baked together, and I showed him more love than one soul can handle. He was mine and that’s all that mattered. In the heat of wedding planning I decided to go back to school, we bought a house and continued to build a storybook life.
Married Life
A life that was built on unstable ground. Scott cheated before we even said I do. I brushed it off and thought he would change as soon as we said I do. His ring was more of an anchor than a symbol. He didn’t want to be with just me. Overtime the words unraveled and our story fell apart. He took comfort in the arms of someone else, blamed me for our “bad marriage” and repeatedly told me that I was no longer attractive.

We saw our first wedding anniversary, we spent it apart. He was in Seattle and I stayed home with Nylan. Five months later on one fateful October day I almost died. Scott was to busy being Scott to care. He didn’t realize that my life had changed. I was no longer the woman he married, I had changed, my life was almost pulled away from me and I would never be the same.

He couldn’t handle the new me, he chose to leave me alone most nights and between WOW and the women we hardly spoke to each other. Well we must have found time to hang out because the joke was on me. On April 1, 2010 I found out I was pregnant with our son.Scott seemed genuinely excited to have a baby with me.

Yet the seat in my prius was moved each morning. I knew he didn’t give up his flings and I started looking at my options. My marriage was going nowhere fast and I would raise the child on my own if I had to. God stepped in and on May 11, 2010 I found out our son was gone. Scott was in Vegas, he didn’t even bother coming home, Sherri took me to the hospital and friends took care of me. No one should have to go trough the death of a child alone. When he came back, he expected me to be the same.

I would never be the same! I survived a PE and stroke, to only turn around and have my child die. I was broken and there was only one option, leave. On June 27, I walked away from my loveless marriage and started searching for myself. It will be five years this June, five beautiful years and I can truly say that I found myself.

To be honest I wouldn’t trade the five years I had with Scott, for those are the years that taught me to fight for myself. I know that I never want a marriage like that again and that no woman should settle for being kept. I do not hate him, I actually just don’t feel anything towards him, he is my son’s father and because of that Scott will always be a part of me.

Just like how my life would be different if I had never gone out on that date 10 years ago. Who knows I may be a lawyer, I might not of had a stroke, and I would probably be married with children. I chose to dance that day, I chose to throw caution to the wind and let fate ride. Fate she has brought me to a lot of beautiful places and put me through experiences that have given me a lifetime of lessons. I have no regret, because that one choice lead me through a beautiful disaster that I get to call life.
Post Marriage

{Divorced Life} I Always Thought I would Remarry First

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The end of a marriage is like a death, you mourn what was and try to quiet the memories. Its hard to believe that June 27th, 2014 will mark four years since I walked out of the red house on the quiet Woodbury cul-de-sac and never looked back. You just put your big kid pants on and walk boldly into the unknown. Each half has a chance to make a new start, to rebuild their life, and mostly a chance to find the correct better half.

My ex-husband jumped into a relationship the week after I left, he had her knocked up and moved in by September. Classy I know, yet I knew he would do it, the man is afraid to be alone with his on thoughts. So it was only fitting that he found someone to fill the quiet space that I left behind. Scott needed to drain the sea of regret, to plug the wholes of what if, and mainly he needed someone to warm his bed at night. Scott and his girlfriend have been together for almost four years and are now ready to say “I do.”

Scott sent me an out of the blue text asking questions about our divorce and said that he needed the information to fill out his marriage certificate. Those words stung a little. Hell since I was the better half, I always thought I would remarry first. I came close but unfortunately a drunk driver intervened and took that equation off the table. As I stared at that text for a few minutes, it took everything in me to not tell his girlfriend to run. A leopard doesn’t change his spots. Then I realized its not my place and I went on about my evening.

Its not my place to say anything because I left him in the past and have never looked back. Scott was one big giant life lesson, I gave up law school for him, and in the end I wound up with a pile of broken dreams. He told me once “when one dream ends, you make a new one.” He was right, when my marriage ended I set out to take on the world, but first I needed to find myself. I needed to look into the mirror and figure out who the fuck AmandaJean was. I knew two things: that 1. I was a survivor and 2. a mother to a baby in heaven. Those are two things Scott could not take away from me. I set out to live a life that Lucia would be proud of and one meaningful enough to prove that I was worthy to survive a pulmonary embolism.

Scott never made me feel like I was a priority in his life, I was always last on his list and never first. He never stood beside me and only criticized my every move. In Scott’s mind I was never pretty enough or thin enough, or good enough for him. The thoughts in his head caused him to stray, I figured it out when the seat was moved in my Prius, he told me he needed it and that if I didn’t let him continue, then I didn’t love him. So I turned a blind eye and rang up the Discover card, I buried my emotions for the sake of my marriage. On nights where I couldn’t take the whores, I spoke up, only to have my words thrown on the floor. The man never understood that normal husbands do not look for “friends” on craigslist, they come home to their wives, and love them for who they are.

That normal husbands answer the phone at 8AM when it shows up as “Woodwinds Hospital,” they don’t roll over and go back to sleep. The poor receptionist kept on calling him and he just let it go to voicemail. I faced death alone and when it was convenient to him he finally picked up the phone. He actually had the audacity to ask “do you really need me to come to the ER? I have to go to work.” A woman who is literally dying should not have to beg her husband to rush to her side. He came, and he was shocked at what he saw. He truly didn’t care about me, he kept on muttering about how big the bill was going to be. Yup, you got it he cared more about money than my survival. That was only the tip of the iceberg.

As you can tell I survived. Scott probably does not tell people “I have 3 kids, one died and two are alive.” In my eyes he has not earned the right to claim our son. The morning I found out Lucia was gone, I called him and begged him to come home from Vegas. Most men would have gotten on the next flight and rushed home to their mourning wife. He chose to stay in Vegas and partied the day away. I was alone when I got the news and thankfully my BFF Sherri refused to let me be alone on surgery day. Scott missed it all and came home to find me sleeping, he had no idea the hell I went through. He acted like nothing really happened and again he worried about the bill. Scott does not deserve to be Lucia’s father, because a father never turns their back on their child, no matter if they are dead or alive.

Scott and I were a beautiful disaster. Our lives were meant to collide, because without him, without the heart ache and pain I would not be the woman I am today. I will admit, it took a lot of therapy to get the man out of my head, his words cut like a knife and the wounds they bled for a while. Until one day I faced the sun and realized that I had something to offer this world. I found my space, got my head right and took on the day. The last thing Scott gave to me was a bracelet with little hearts on it, I wear it each day. Not for memory sake, but as a reminder to never give up my dreams for a man. I did that once and in the end I got a bowl full of broken.

I just hope that Scott learned something from our five year relationship and that his craigslist shoes are in the trash. Otherwise his marriage is not going to work. I want to believe that every now and then he thinks about Lucia and feels regret for putting Vegas before me. Yet, on the same coin, I know that in his mind I did everything wrong and that he is innocent. Because I am the one who walked out, in truth I wasn’t going to give him the pleasure of calling it quits. That is why I said it first and walked out the door and never regretted every step that followed.

The last words Scott said to me were “You will never make it on your own!” Fuck you, I fucking did it! And I did it without you! That’s the best revenge a girl could ever dish out, is to prove that she doesn’t need a man to make it in this world. I love my post divorced life, I have a career that fulfills me, a dog that makes me laugh, friends that keep me humble, and love?, I’ve got that too! But, mostly I didn’t have to face a health crisis alone this time and no one uttered “I wonder how big the bill is going to be.” Because I am the one in control and I learned that your health is more important than money. Without your health money is worthless.

If you do not have your health you cannot fall in love with someone or adopt a child. Unlike you I had to fall in love with myself before I could love someone else. I have been in an off and on relationship with myself for four years and it has been nothing but bliss. Your words no longer seep into my mind on quiet nights and I no longer shudder at the image in the mirror. I truly love the woman looking back at me and she is one incredibly beautiful lady. I may not be a model, but survival sure does looks good on me. You told me once that I would never find someone else, again you were wrong sir. When it comes to me, you will always be wrong.

{For Jilliann} From One Mama to Another

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Late Wednesday night I had an epiphany while Facebook messaging with my friend Jilliann. In that moment I realized that losing my son now made sense. That some how, some way God knew that down the road a friend would need me. That a friend would need a woman who knows what its like to lose a child. I was suddenly at peace with losing Lucia and knew that I could offer a shoulder of comfort to my dear friend.

Life is crazy, we follow the twisting roads marked with laughter and joy. No one ever tells us ‘hey life can be shitty at times.” We just hear about the happy ever afters and never about the tear-stained sidewalks. Truth is, this earth is lined with tear-stained sidewalks, we tread on them everyday and very rarely do we give the stains much thought. Thoughts, mine have been with Jilliann as I know she is just walking down the dark path of grief. Yelling “Why me? Why us? Why my daughter?” These are questions that will most likely never be answered. However they need to be shouted in order for her heart to heal.

Jilliann, I can tell you that you will never cease to question, you will always wonder what if and dream about what could have been. There are days where I drift away and wonder “what would Lucia look like today? ” I try to imagine what his laughter would sound like and if his smile could light up a room.” Then harshly I am snapped back into the land of the living and remember that my son died, not me. That my son died, that I survived and need to keep on living for him. That no matter where I go in this world my son is always with me and he will never be forgotten.

Trinity will never be forgotten, she is and will always be your little girl. For a few moments you had the sliver of happiness that we all so desperately want. You were eagerly awaiting the arrival of your sweet little girl, only God chose to shatter that sliver and you are left in the wake. Take time to be angry, curse God if you have too, stomp your feet, and cry your tears. Get the emotions out, run away, but always remember to run back. Hide for a while, but remember to return to the world when you are ready. There will always be a hole in your heart and nothing will fill the void. A wise woman once told me “You never get over the death of a child, you…. you just learn how to live with it.” She was right and that was the best advice I ever got. I didn’t have to be ok, I just had to learn to live with the fact that my child is in heaven.

Jillian, you never have to be ok with losing Trinity. In time you will find your way and you will become comfortable in this new normal. You will figure out how to live with the fact that you lost her and in time you will heal. Your heart will always be broken, yet full. There will be days where you look at the sun and smile. A random breeze will be felt upon your cheek and in that moment you will know that she is safe with God.