Children are something I have always wanted. Motherhood is an unattainable dream I have actively been chasing.
Sometimes I look up and wonder “why me?” In those moments a quiet voice whispers “why not you” and I realize that God chooses the strongest of the strong to be a mother to Angels.
You see my children will never touch the earth, they were born to fly. My fridge does not have any artwork on display, instead my children finger paint in the sunset skies. A picture that I can only view one time before it dips into the edges of darkness. My children died before their lives even got started. My children were never meant to be mine, for an angel closed the book of life and said “to beautiful for earth.”
“During the chase for rainbows I became an Auntie”
Auntie is a job title that I proudly hold, it’s a job that allows me to spoil and love on two very incredible little souls. Sophia came first, followed three years later by Jack. Sophia looks at me bright eyed and asks “auntie when will you have a baby in your tummy?” The answer to the question is more complicated than the question itself, so I simply say “one day Sophs, one day.” She says “ok,” and runs off to play.
Watching her grow has been a blessing. I see a lot of myself in her, she is motherly, fearless, and kind just like her Auntie. Jack just adores her and wants to do whatever Sophia is doing. Jack is a gift, I can’t help but look at him and wonder “what would my son have looked like.” His big blue eyes meet mine, a smile breaks out followed by a shriek, I think that means he likes me. Jack has yet to mutter Auntie, right now he is just shrieks, we’ll get there one day, however today is not that day.
Sophia is curious and often asks “Auntie why do you have paws on your foot!?” I lovingly tell her “Auntie will tell you when you are older,” for Sophia is to little to learn about her cousins in heaven. One day she will be old enough to know about Lucia and Baby E, today is not that day so we continue on our way.
My heart will always be broken, for a piece of my soul lies in heaven. Yet Sophia and Jack with there love, brought light into the darkness and gave this auntie purpose. I love on them a little bit more because I know how precious life is and that children are truly a gift that only God can grant. Rainbows have eluded me, yet I’ve found my pot of gold. For I was always meant to be an Auntie.
It dawned on me today that I never wrote a welcome letter for Jack. Life got busy and I was grieving the loss of Baby E and what could have been. Had Baby E survived he/she and Jack would have been 6 months and 1 day apart. It wasn’t meant to be so as I healed from the D&C I looked forward to feeling the weight of Jack in my arms.
This is a little late, you’ve been hanging out with us for oh almost 7 months now. Unlike your sister you are the quiet observant type. She was always mumbling and trying to chew on the world around her. You on the other hand chose to be quiet and play possum in strange arms. It took you a bit to warm up to me, Auntie gets a big gummy smile now. Maybe it’s because Sophia is telling you “auntie is the best ever” or maybe it’s because you are realizing that I am the present giver.
Either way you have a lot to learn little one and there is a big world just waiting for you to find it. Life is a beautiful disaster. It’s not perfect, but in the gray you will find moments of perfection, it’s those moments that will carry you. Each day is an adventure and no two are ever the same. If they were, life would be boring and no one likes a boring story.
Your family will always be here for you. No matter what you do. If you find yourself in a predicament that you can’t get out of, call auntie or nana they will bail you out. It’s ok to veer from the path, take the one less traveled or better yet blaze your own trail. Do big things, discover big things and be big in a world full of small. Only you Jack can determine how your story will end. Live a life worth living, fill it with laugher and meaning. And remember tears are ok too.
That Mama of yours will keep you in line. Just know that you are butter in her hands and with a quick smile you can probably get away with anything. She’s pretty easy and lucky for you she isn’t very observant, so yes you will be able to sneak that frog into your room. Just make sure you don’t lose him in the house, otherwise she’ll be mad. Well not mad, she’ll be more freaked out that she has to look for said frog in the house. She doesn’t do frogs or slimy things.
You should also know that Nana is pretty easy to, but be careful she is called the “warden” for a reason. No one likes the warden. Jack just do what Nana tells you and you’ll be all right, you will spend little time on the chair in the hall. Sophia can tell you all about the time out chair. Don’t worry Auntie can tell you how to get out of said chair, we just need to find a doll that looks like you.
You are lucky Jack, you are the youngest child which means your sister Sophia is your built in friend. You will never go through this life alone, Sophia loves you and wants to see you grow big. In her mind she is plotting adventures for the day you are big enough to run along side of her. Your sister she will always be and you will always be her brother. When she’s older she’s not go going to like you much, you will want to tag along when she is too cool to have a little brother. But don’t worry love, Sophia will find her way back to you and bonded you will always be.
Your Papa, he’s a special breed. He is weathered by time and struggles have aged him. Your Papa almost wasn’t, he’s stolen 14 years from the sand man and you Jack are his greatest joy. Papa can’t wait for the day you are old enough to go fishing and camping. Maybe he will get the old truck running so you and Sophia can ride along through the country side with slushies in hand. Your Papa is a fighter, the ultimate under dog who landed on top and no one is knocking him off his mountain. Listen to his stories, learn from them and you Jack will do all right in life.
When you are much older Auntie will tell you about Lucia and Baby E. Lucia came long before you and I am certain the two of you would be thick as thieves. You Jack are the second grandson and third in line. Lucia was 1st, Sophia is 2nd, you Jack are 3rd and Baby E was the 4th. Your cousins are always with you, where ever you go they are there blowing in the breeze. Day in and day out Lucia and baby E watch over you from heaven. Your big cousins turtles dance in front of your window, a piece of him was with you from the moment you got home. One day Auntie hopes to bring Nana and Papa’s 5th grandchild into this world and you Jack will have an instant friend.
You love can break your uncle Jason in. Uncle Jason has no idea what to do with or how to care for a little human. You were the first baby he has ever held. He did a really good job and you two are going to be buddies one day.
You can do no wrong in this world for you have angels on your side and they will always keep you on course. I want you to travel, go to college, take the chances your mama never dared to dream off. Take time to smell the roses, keep your family close, and you will never lose yourself. Life isn’t going to be perfect. It’s up to you to find beauty in the disaster and to determine your course. This life is yours to live and the world is for you to take. Take it and never look back Jack.