I know I’ve mentioned it in passing on my blog that I had a miscarriage in May.
Today I was invited to speak to a pregnancy loss support group that was for both moms and dads. It was hard, it took everything in me just to get up in front of them. I knew that I had to, that some how my words would heal them, and show them that yes its ok to move on.
Ever since I can remember I wanted to be two things in this world. The president and a mom. I knew that I wanted one of my own and that I wanted to adopt one as well. When I was little I was obsessed with cabbage patch kids, because I could adopt them. I figured there are children in this world that need a chance, to be loved, and to know that they matter to someone.
When I met my now x husband the dream of adopting a child was realized I became a mom to his son. I loved Nylan from the moment I saw him. When I looked into his eyes, I saw my son, I didn’t see Scott and Lisa’s child, I saw my child looking back at me. Lord, Knows I would do anything for Nylan.
This spring we found out that we were expecting it was finally a silver lining in the year from hell. We found out a few days before the 6 month anniversary of my pulmonary embolism. The doctors told us it was high risk, they talked about a plan c section, bed rest and constant monitoring of my blood, to make sure another clot didn’t happen. I started lovenox right away injecting myself two times a day and a shit load of vitamins. Scott and I were so in love during this time, we talked about paint colors, nursery furniture, about the future. What our baby would be like, who they would take after. I told him: “if this baby is anything like me, well be in for one hell of a ride, because I was off the hook when I was little.” He just looked at me, smiled, and said I know, I am ready, and your still of the walls babe.
I started showing sooner than all the baby books said I would, people said there was probably two in there, an ultra sound confirmed that I was carrying a singleton, a little bear of our own. It’s hard to believe that one ultra sound can bring you so much joy, can allow you to see the heartbeat and to catch a glimpse of the creation. Yet in one swoop, it can take it all away. The same room where I found joy, I found grief.
Looking up at the monitor, I didn’t see a flicker, the technician kept moving the thing around, told me to sit tight, and then the doctor came in. He had her show him what she had seen. The movement I had seen a week prior was gone, the flicker, the light, the hope, the dream of a child, was gone it came crashing down around me. This room it felt so cold, the doctor he tried to explain, told me the options I had.
I do a lot of crying in the prius, I called my mom and told her the news. my dad for some reason magically appeared on my door step. Threw his arms around me and said we are gonna get through this. He held me so tight, telling me that God has a brighter plan and that some day it will make sense. I was angry, I felt horrible, that it was my fault, that God didn’t think I was worthy enough to carry a child. I cursed his name and asked. You chose to save me that day, why the hell didn’t you save my child. Instead you showered me with more pain, with more broken dreams, and gray days.
I did what was best for me. I couldn’t bring myself to sit around and wait for nature to take its course, I chose to have a D&C. I think god for Sherri she took me to United, held my hand and sat with me until it was time. They went through the risks, the what ifs of the procedure. I said stop why you’re a head, as I am always the exception and it will probably happen to me. They explained it would take less than 40 minutes and that I wouldn’t remember a thing. Sherri, did for me what my x husband wasn’t man enough to do. She was there for me during the roughest time of my life. All while my x husband sat in Vegas, he wasn’t man enough to get on a plane, to face the truth, and to see his wife crushed.
Some women tell me that I chose the easy way out. Let me tell you this there is nothing easy about a D&C. Everyone knows why your there and they ask you over and over again. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. An all the what ifs they told me about, well the 40 minute procedure turned in to 2.5 hours. They ripped a four-inch hole in my Uterus and damaged my cervix. Even worse is they didn’t think to stitch up the hole and well a week later I wound up in the hospital with a serious uterine infection.
The days turned into weeks. My x husband expected me to bounce back to my old self. Yet, I couldn’t this experience changed me, it made me into a mama to a baby in heaven, and caused me to really take a deep look at my life. I could never get over the fact that my x deserted me during the worst time of my life. That he didn’t think I was important enough to jump on a plane, to be by my side, to hold my hand and cry with me. It was time for a change. It was time for him to go.
I realize now that little bears passing gave me the strength to walk away from a loveless marriage, to fight for myself again, and show the world who I was. One day while watching the sunrise on lake Calhoun I realized something: I had asked god over and over again why did he save me and not my child. It hit me, that without me, there will be no children, that if he had let me go, there would be no children. I have faith that some day it will make sense and that god saved the vessel that will some day carry life again. Little bear and Nylan will always be my children. One is in heaven and the other is now being raised by another woman.
After I finished telling my story I looked at these people and said: ” Welcome to the parent to a baby in heaven club.” Its a club no one wants to join, but in here we all understand and lean on each other. It takes time, but with each day it will get easier, each breath you take will calm you, and best of all you will never ever forget this life that god graced you with. You can do something to remember your child. My family and I planted a birch tree in Alucious Gregory’s honor. It is a tree that I hope one day will provide shade to his brothers and sisters on earth. Honor your child, remember this time, and let the ones that come after know about their sibling in heaven. You my friends, you will be all right. I am certain of this.
Your ability to be open and honest about a lost dream both in your miscarriage and marriage is amazing. Many can relate to portions of this post. Keep dreaming, keep believing, and continue to be strong 🙂 you are worth it.
Thanks for sharing this post – it’s one of the hardest thing you can ever experience & is so difficult to discuss. The memories never leave you, but you can begin to heal. I used my Tumblr as my vehicle to express my feelings around it. Take care of yourself.