He told me “You will never make it on your own”. With those words spoken our marriage ended. I packed up my life and put one foot toward my future. On nights that are a little to lonely my ex-husbands last words are whispered into my ear. Doubt sets in and then the tears began to fall. I often wondered if he was right. If he knew something about me that I didn’t know. In the morning I would push doubt to the side and use his words to motivate me. Motivate me to change the box I was standing in. I was going to prove to him that I could make it on my own. Mostly I needed to prove to myself that he was wrong.
At first it was hard. I had to figure out how to pay bills, check my oil, and other day-to-day things. With help from loving friends and family I mastered online bill pay, found the dip stick, and managed to survive on my own. Slowly the pieces of my life started coming back together. I was no longer a shattered doll, but a doll with cracks. Each day I faced my fears and believed in myself a crack would disappear. Soon I would face the sun as a new woman with scars on her soul. Yet I can look back on what was with peace and a smile.
Tomorrow will mark the 2nd anniversary of the day I walked out on my old life with tear-stained eyes and Sherri at my side. That Attorney was right “You know when it’s over, someone just needs to call it.” I made the call and with a few text messages I was looking at apartments. I was looking at what could be. In truth I was scared to death, I rarely leap without a place to fall. It took alot to leave my ex husband, he did everything for me and gave me more than a girl could ask for. We had our good times and bad times. However in the end there was not enough good to chase away the bad. The bad piles trampled on the good and the sweet moments slipped away into heart ache. Nylan was the main source of my happiness, I put everything I had into that kid. I have always said “It was easy to walk away from Scott. But it hurt like hell to walk away from Nylan.” To start over I had to cut my ties and say good-bye. I had to leave motherhood behind. I had to figure out what it was like to be single.
Mostly I had to figure out what it was like to be me. I hadn’t been myself for five years. My heart proved to be my guide, turns out the real AJ was still there, deep inside she waited for me to find her. All it took was a little self-love and a sheer moment of courage to bring myself back. In the past two years I have grown more as a person than I ever thought possible. I found my passion and soared into my career. Finally, I am at the top of my game and reaping the benefits of my hard work. The confidence my ex husband took from me began to return and I stomped on his words. His last words have been my fuel. Fuel to prove to him and more so prove to myself that I can do it. That I can make it on my own.
Everything I have lived through has been a part of the plan. I realize now that my P.E. taught me I could survive whatever life threw at me and that I was strong. I just needed to listen to myself. The strength I gained from fighting for my life was the same strength I tapped into when my son died. That strength is what allowed me to turn the key on my past and walk out that door. The bad moments led to incredibly good things. Every tear I shed led me to where I am today.
My five years with Scott will always be apart of me. Deep down I want to believe that the Scott I fell in love with still exists within the shell. That the shell of a man who stood before me was hurting just like I was. He told me once “my greatest regret will always be that I didn’t get on that plane.” His greatest regret in life is that he wasn’t there to stand by my side on the day that our son died. That he didn’t have the courage to face the truth or more so the courage to face his grieving wife. He didn’t have the courage to love me through my darkest hour. His failure gave me the strength I needed to walk into the rest of my life. The life that was waiting patiently for me.
We are a collection of stories. Scott, Nylan, and Aloucious will always be apart of mine. He will always be the first man I loved, Nylan will always be my son, and Aloucious will be the baby I never got to hold. I could have skipped the pain and saved myself the heart ache. However I would have missed out on one of the greatest stories of my life. Because of the heart ache I became one incredible woman. The past two years have taught me that.