Through work and every day life people ask me if I have children. To save myself from sharing my story I quietly say no and change the conversation. Deep down I know that I have a child, he was born silent and didn’t get the chance to set foot into this world. On May 11th, 2010 an ultra sound revealed that my son no longer had a heart beat. He was no longer alive and there was nothing they could do to bring him back. Genetically he was perfect, he had all of his chromosomes, it’s just his little heart stopped. That day his Mama’s heart broke and she had to learn how to live on this earth without her son.
In the days following family and friends gathered around me and tried their best to make sense out of the situation. Aloucious’ God Mother Lisa told me “You will always be a Mother. God saw that you were special so he made you a Mama to a baby in heaven, you are a Mom, and no one can ever tak that away from you.” Those words brought me comfort and got me through the darkest days I know that I will see my son one day.
There are days where I let my mind wander to the land of “what if” and I wonder what he would be like today. Would he be a wild child like his Mama or be a nerd like his Dad. Would he dare to jump without fear or sit quietly on the sidelines and watch the world go by. I wonder what Aloucious would look like, would he have blue eyes and curly hair or would he look more like Scott.
People often ask where the name Aloucious Gregory came from. Scott picked his first name, the name Aloucious comes from the book Colors of Chaos. Aloucious was the main character Nylan’s sidekick and they build a civilization out of ruin. On the pages they conquered evil and fought for a better world. Scott’s first son is named Nylan, so in his mind it was only fitting to name his second son Aloucious. Gregory is my Father’s name, I chose it because I wanted my son to have the strength of my Father. I wanted him to know that the blood of warriors ran through his veins and that he was destined for greatness. We referred to our son as little bear and his nickname was to be Lucia. I had no doubt that my child was going to change the world, I was the proudest and happiest pregnant woman on the planet.
Little did I know that Aloucious would change my world in more ways than one. Aloucious gave me the strength I needed to take back my own dreams and the strength I needed to walk out of a loveless marriage. He is the reason I fight so hard for those around me and to bring a little justice to those covered in darkness. I would like to believe that Aloucious is looking down on this earth and saying to his friends “Hey look right there, that woman with the passionate heart, that’s my Mom!”
I want Aloucious to know that he was wanted and he was sent off to heaven with more love than one soul could ever hold. Aloucious will never be forgotten. I have a tattoo on the top of my right foot. It is four tiny bear prints, it is a reminder that my son is in heaven and that no matter where I go he will always be with me. My son is most likely the only child I will ever carry and that is all right by me. When the time is right I am certain God will send another child my way, until that comes I am going to live life with passion and be the most incredible Aunt Sophia could ever have. One day when she is older I will sit under the birch tree and tell her about her cousin in heaven.
If you are like me and you no longer have your child in this world, then my heart goes out to you. For we are and we will aways be Mothers to children in heaven. Our hearts are heavy, yet we love fiercely and handle this card with grace, for we know that one day we will see our children again.