If you would have told me 3 years ago that I would be heading to Iowa to make a baby, I would have called you bluff. Yet here I am clocking the miles on the Prius driving back and forth between Des Moines and Minneapolis. It’s a three and a half hour drive that I’ve actually come to love. Most of the time I am solo on the drive. So I’ve come up with a system to make the miles of corn fields go by faster, audio books and multiple stops. My 1st stop is Clear Lake; 2nd stop is the “Flying J” outside of Ames; and before I know it I’m in Des Moines eating Tasty Tacos (I might be addicted).

I should point out that Iowa was my Hail Mary. Before going to Mid-Iowa I was turned down by 11 clinics (yes you read that right 11 clinics) and had little hope left. Dr. Y had done what no one else did, not even Dr. B did this, he actually read my medical records and formulated a plan. A plan that would lead us to transferring our final CCRM embryo in December. A transfer that would result in a negative beta that sent us back to the drawing board.

In early January we had the hard conversation of discussing whether or not another retrieval cycle was in the cards. Dr. Y is blunt and kind, he explained that yes I could do another retrieval but this would be my last. In that moment as those words settled in the air I became angry, not at him, but at the Nuvaring. Each time I go through a cycle my clotting risk goes up and I am reminded that Lovenox is not a guarantee. To add salt to my already wounded soul he brought up a surrogate.

I knew what that word meant and where he was headed, yet it hurt. Hurt in away I never thought it could. I explained “I am type A, I could never use a surrogate. I’d have to chain her to me so I knew exactly what she was doing and when.” He understood and we moved on to discussing genetic testing of the embryos. This time around we are spending the money and testing our embryos before transferring them back to me. This will some how give us a leg up and reduce our chances of loss.

Of course the first step in this process is eggs. Just like before I have to break it down in steps: Step 1 eggs; Step 2 embryos; Step 3 genetic testing; Step 4 transfer. If I do not break it down it becomes to overwhelming and I am pretty sure I’d talk myself out of it. This round is truly our last chance at a bio baby and that is something I do not take lightly. Even in the moment of loss I am filled with hope.

Hope that we will get a few genetically normal embryos that will grow into our take home baby.