{Hearts} On 22 – I Made A Promise To My Heart

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February is for lovers and now thanks to the American Heart Association it is now known as National Heart Health Awareness Month. Or simply “Go Red!” Before October 22nd, 2009 it was about my family and sharing my family’s story. I wore my red dress proudly, shared Emma’s story, and talked about almost losing my father to heart disease. Today I still wear my red dress proudly, talk about Emma, my Dad, and now I am sharing my STORY.

A story of hope. I am living proof that with the right care you can survive a stroke and come out on the other side shining. Sadly not every survivor bounces back and they struggle to find themselves again. I often think about the ones who died, most never saw it coming, and their families were left wondering.

I admit that I have survivors guilt. Sometimes I lay awake at night wondering why did I survive that day? I think about my cousin who died at the age of three she wanted to live, she wanted to grow, yet God chose her that day. I have stood at funerals and thought “God you saved me……Why couldn’t you reach in and save my friend? What makes me different? Ah moments often come to me when I am in the shower or driving in the Prius. One day it dawned on me, the ER Dr told me that day “AmandaJean if you had gotten here five minutes later than you did, you would have died.” By sheer luck I beat death.

Luck was on my side that day. I often tell people I consider myself lucky. Lucky because I had a pulmonary embolism induced stroke. People usually give me a funny look and say “Why the hell is that lucky?” Its simple really, if I never had my P.E. induced stroke I wouldn’t have found the strength to fight for me. My stroke taught me to fight for myself. In hindsight I think it was God’s way to prepare me for the worst year of my life. In October I had my stroke, in May my son Alucious died, and in June I walked away from a loveless marriage. Now those three events add up to one big pile of shit. So to me my P.E. induced stroke was the training wheels I needed to get myself through the worst 9 months of my life.

Mostly it has allowed me to be a voice and to lobby for a better day. A day where we are all living heart healthy. My dream would be to find a cure for heart disease and eliminate stroke. It’s a big dream however I am confident that we can achieve it together. Hundreds of women came together to celebrate “Go Red” at the annual lunch and learn event held in Minneapolis.
The room was filled with amazing energy. Every single woman was wearing red and we demanded a better tomorrow. Stories were shared, our blood pressure was checked, we got red lips, and we made promises to our hearts. A promise to live a heart healthy life.
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On National wear red day my Twitter feed exploded. So many amazing beautiful women tweeted "I'm going red for @NinjaInTheCity." I was literally in tears hundreds of men and women across our great state wore red in honor of me. Even their children wore red and that made my surviving heart burst with joy. I am deeply honored by their simple act of wearing red in my name. So if you wore red on February 4th in my honor, know that I thank you from the bottom of my surviving heart. You made my day so bright and are encouraging me to be a thriving survivor. I promise to not only survive, but to thrive!

A promise to carry this energy of finding a cure and preventing heart disease into the next 10 months of the year. To contact my legislators, congressman, and anyone who will listen to me to enact legislation that will better the lives of all Minnesotans. Each of you are capable of saving a life. All you need to know are three letters C. P. R. Take a few minutes and google it, watch a YouTube video, or heck take a first aid course and learn how to perform CPR. Once you’ve earned your CPR cred you can learn the meaning of F.A.S.T.

When dealing with a possible stroke you need to be: F.A.S.T.
F—FACE: Ask the person to smile. Does one side of the face droop?

A—ARMS: Ask the person to raise both arms. Does one arm drift downward?

S—SPEECH: Ask the person to repeat a simple phrase. Is their speech slurred or strange?

T—TIME: If you observe any of these signs, call 9-1-1 immediately.
When you are F.A.S.T you can save a life.

So go ahead make a promise to yourself, your family, and to the world that you will be heart healthy. Take the time to learn CPR, remember to act F.A.S.T., and listen to your heart. You only get one heart and that heart will never steer you wrong.

{Charlie’s Eulogy} Good Bye My Sweet Friend

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Good bye is never easy. Maybe this is why the Ojibway people do not have a word for good-bye. My Father always tells me see you later because there is no such thing as a good-bye. One someone leaves us our hearts are filled with pain and our minds are left wondering why.

Why is something I have uttered numerous times over the past few days. I got angry with God and dared to ask why the fuck Charlie. Of all the people on this earth you could have called home, YOU chose to call home my best friend. Maybe God didn’t realize how much we needed Charlie. How much Charlie meant to each and every one of us. Like many of you in this room I loved Charlie more than words can say. We’ve been in this place before. We’ve said good-bye before. This is where we said good-bye to Charlie’s brother Connor. Those two were something else and they meant the world to me. Now my world is dim and my faith is hindered.

Our wold will never be the same. Charlie was one hell of a man and he was an even better friend. He stood up for those who could not stand. Charlie gave a voice to the silent and he fought like hell to bring a little justice into this world. When I think of the word ‘Attorney” I will always picture Charlie. He lived and breathed what he practiced. Not to mention he kept me up late at night proofing his drafts and before each court appearance I’d give him a pep talk. I’d tell him “Go Charlie Go! You can do this! You are smart now get in there and show them what your made of!” Charlie would chuckle. I do know he won more cases than he lost. So that is all the proof we need that he was one hell of an attorney.

Charlie was an attorney who loved to play board games and you had to play by his rules. Charlie and I would play board games into the wee hours of the morning. He told me once “AJ all of life’s problems can be solved with a board game and a shot of whiskey.” I think Charlie was on the right track. The outside world seemed to disappear with each roll of the dice. As crazy as it seems board games were the perfect distraction and would often lead to deep conversations. Either that it led to me being tipsy and Charlie’s wild laughter filling the condo. I still say he cheated and I never learned how to drink whiskey like a man.

Charlie had a wild streak in him and was always searching for his next adventure. His adventures found him navigating the streets of Europe, climbing the lime stone cliffs of the midwest, and skinny dipping in Lake Superior. He could make the most mundane things into an adventure. Charlie loved working with the Native Youth and supported out-door adventure programing. I watched him teach young kids how to rock climb, wind surf, and survive in the woods. Charlie mentored and encouraged children to seek a college education. He wanted them to seek adventure and to live a life that dreams are made of. He believed that anything was possible.

Charlie lived a life that dreams were made of and he fought like hell to make sure each one of us had an amazing life too. He was our personal cheer leader always encouraging us on to the next peak. Charlie didn’t believe in settling and if you settled he’d give you hell for it. Life is a journey worth taking.

You may have noticed that Charlie has quite a few things in his casket. A few were put there by me. Connect Four. As we all know Charlie’s favorite game was Connect Four this one happens to be special and goes along with the photo of the Muppet Like Dog. You see late one night Charlie and I were so into our game we forgot about the muppet. So the Muppet like dog took it upon himself to chew on the checkers. That was the only night I ever beat Charlie at Connect four.

Charlie loved Cullen. When he was in town I would come home to a note that read “Kidnapped Cullen. He needed some quality man time. Collect at your own risk as we will be sitting naked on the couch drinking beer! Love Charlie and the muppet like dog.” I am going to miss coming home to a ransom note and having to interrupt man and muppet like dog time.

Charlie was an amazing man and I am greatful that I got the chance to call him my friend. Charlie taught me to reach for the clouds, to bust through glass ceilings, and to have faith again. He was one of the greatest things to ever happen to me and my life will never be the same.

We are lucky because God sent us an Angel and not everyone gets to play with an angel on earth. One thing can be said for Charlie he lived a life filled with risks, love, laughter, tears, honor, and adventure. He lived a life with no regrets and we should do the same.

{Charlie} Board Games and Life Lessons

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I can honestly say that I have been to more funerals than I have weddings. I have been to more wakes than baptisms. On my way home from work today I realized that I have out lived three of my dearest friends. Days like Thursday I faced the sun and dared to ask “Why?” Why God do you keep taking my friends away. Then I paused for a moment and thought “maybe I just know how to befriend earth-bound angels. Maybe God saw that their purpose was served and he called his weary travelers home. Home to rest on the clouds of heaven.

I didn’t want to go home after work and I knew I had to go to Charlie’s condo. I wasn’t ready so I drove out to the Mall of America and walked around for a few hours. The mall was filled with groups of friends, laughter and smiles. I didn’t feel like smiling. Inside I was dying. I wanted my best friend back. Not even gummy butterflies could turn my frown into a smile. It was getting late so I headed home to get the muppet like dog and we drove over to the Ivy.

As I walked in the door man greeted me and asked “Hey AJ! How are you. Charlie must be home early if your here tonight.” I lost it right there in the lobby. I looked at him and said Charlie isn’t coming home. “Oh Mr. Charlie staying in NYC permanently?” No sir, Charlie died this morning. He won’t be coming home. The doorman walked me to the elevator bay and gave me hug.

That was the longest elevator ride ever and it felt weird walking into his condo. Things looked different to me and it didn’t feel the same. It didn’t feel like Charlies home any more. His coffee table was filled with board games and playboys. The throw blanket on his couch still smelled like his cologne. Cullen was walking around looking for him and I said “Charlie isn’t coming home pal. Our Charlie is gone.” Cullen scampered off as I curled up in the blanket breathing his scent in. Looking out at the Minneapolis Skyline. The view is why Charlie loved living in The Ivy.

I laughed a little, Charlie use to tell me “AJ the moment you fall a sleep is when the fun begins.” That is when he’d hijack my twitter account and tweet my secrets or that nights sleep conversation to the world. I’d fall a sleep next to him as he was drafting documents for and plotting his plan of action for his next big court date. He’d tell me “AJ in you I’ve got the best of both worlds. I’ve got a best friend who is also my paralegal.” Best part is I don’t have to bill you for your proofing and drafting expertise.”

The Black’s Law Dictionary sat next to connect four on the coffee table. I ran my fingers across the box and the tears began to fall. Charlie loved that game and I remembered how excited he was when he bought it. I sat on the floor watching him pop out the plastic pieces and explaining “Charlies version” of the game. If you lost you had to take a shot of whiskey. I swear he cheated. I was the one taking the shots and getting tipsy. He’d look at me wild-eyed and would let out a roar of a laugh. I realize now that playing board games was a distraction from the outside world. When we sat on the floor he was not a lawyer and I was not a paralegal. We were simply Charlie and AJ best friends for life.

The muppet was being super quiet so I got up to investigate. I found him curled up in one of Charlies sweat shirts that he left on his bedroom floor. I nelt down beside him. His eyes looked so sad he huffed a little, the tears began to fall again. I patted Cullen’s head and said “I’m gonna miss him to pal.”

As I sat next to the muppet I kept hoping that Charlie would burst through the door. He didn’t it was just me and my muppet like dog. I quickly glanced at the clock it was almost midnight and I had to be up early for work. So I scooped up Connect Four and a few other things that would be put into his casket. I made sure everything was the way Charlie left it and said goodbye. I have so many good memories in that condo, I hope the next person loves it as much as he did.

Our friendship grew out of horrible circumstances and in the end it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. Charlie saw me through the hard times and cheered me on during the good times. Charlie was my rock, my bartender, psychologist, partner in crime, and mostly he was my best friend.

{Life Lessons} What Working At A Large Firm Taught Me

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In life we long for success. We long for respect and aim high. Sometimes we get what we want and we realize that it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

Over the past 7 months I worked for a large firm down town. I gave the case everything I had. Before I knew it summer had turned into fall and fall slowly slipped into winter. I barely saw my friends, golfed, or sailed. I just worked and worked some more. Overtime replaced nights on the mall with friends and dates were hard to come by. One Saturday night I was told “Maybe you should marry your work. Thats the only thing you care about.” I understood why he was angry. Yet heart broken. It was true my work became my life.

What made the late nights worth it was knowing that I was making a difference. That I was changing lives and helping the attorneys do the same. Then again when the clock hit 5 all of my coworkers left. They didn’t care like I did. They chose to view it as a job and not their moment to create change. They didn’t step up or say how can we make this better. They just chose to do enough to get by and enough to get a pay check on Friday. By Thanks Giving I was burnt out. December brought the news that I was fighting a disease and getting sicker by the day. Even through illness I still clocked 50+ hours a week. Yet one day I looked around and decided that something had to change. I loved my job, yet it didn’t love me back.

The New Year brought interviews both in and out of state. Law firms are a lot like men. You have to keep going on dates until you find the right one. Soon luck would be on my side and a perfect match was made. I was moving on from the big firm to a smaller firm that valued passion and hard work. One where they believed in having fun and a balance. A balance between work and home. Something I never had at the big down town firm. Something I longed for. {A} was right when he told me I should marry my work. At the time that was all I valued.

Now I actually leave the office at a decent hour. I can get things done, hit up Target and walk the Muppet like Dog around the lake.

I learned a huge lesson at the big firm: “Life isn’t about work and work should not take over your life.” Life should be filled with laughter, friends, late nights, and adventure. Life isn’t about the moments that make us money; it is about the moments that take our breath away.

Red Dresses Are Prettier Than Pink Ribbons

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The Susan G Komen foundation has been getting a lot of press lately. The thing is I don’t like pink ribbons. They come out in October and everything goes pink. Even my coveted peanut butter M&Ms go pink and I refuse to buy them. Why you ask? So little of the money raised goes to research. If you stop and think with the billions of dollars raised they should have a cure for breast cancer by now. They don’t. Truth is cancer makes money and Komen likes stuffing their pockets.

February is for lovers and for the past 9 years it has been National Women’s Heart Health Month or simply known as Go Red for Women. I am sure you have seen the tiny little red dress pins or have heard women talk about them. I like red and I like dresses even more. I have always been apart of the Go Red For Women movement. Little did I know the information I was sharing would save my own life. On October 22nd 2009 I had a massive pulmonary embolism and stroke. I almost died 5 days before my 27th birthday. If the ER doctor hadn’t been informed about the link of hormonal contraceptives and blood clots I would have died. My family would have been planning my funeral instead of my birthday party. I would have never gotten to hold my niece Sophia. My story would have ended at 26.

However that day it didn’t end a new chapter was to be written. That chapter included learning to survive and live with my new normal. A normal that I have come to accept with grace. The only thing I can’t accept is that Heart Disease, strokes, and heart attacks kill more women per year than breast and gynecological cancers. Yet the government gives the National institute of health very little money to research heart disease in women. Breast cancer receive more money, yet thousands of women die each year from heart disease and strokes. It is truly the silent killer. Most women don’t know they are affected until its to late.

Heart disease deserves the same spot light as the pink ribbon. Maybe one day the NFL will paint a Red Dress on the 50 yard line and show our cause some love. Red dresses are cool and the women who wear them are even cooler. My stroke changed my life and cemented my purpose. As a You’re the Cure Congressional district leader I lobby for your heart. You are the reason I get up each morning and fire off emails to our congressmen, legislators, and anyone who listen to me. Why, because I hope one day I will be able to tuck my Red dress away because we eliminated heart disease. It’s a big dream, yet I know its possible. Because together we can and we will save lives by going Red.

We can show Komen whose boss by beating them to a cure, by promoting heart healthy living tips and sharing our stories. Our words, our journeys, and our hearts matter. As survivors we do not need a pink ribbon to make us feel important. We know we are important because each one of us beat the widow maker. Each one of us are standing above ground and continue to fight for those who lie six feet under us.

So I am asking from the bottom of my surviving heart that you put the pink away and wear Red on Friday February 3rd. Together we can save lives and we can find a cure for heart disease. We owe it to the hundreds of thousands of women who are six feet under to find that cure. Because those women were loved, they mattered, and someone is missing them dearly. Mostly those women matter to this survivor.

{Sisters} She Smiles

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I’ve waited my whole life for the moment where I could give back to my sister. Early Saturday morning that moment came. Ben had left a voice mail letting me know that Sophia was being transported by ambulance to a bigger hospital with a NICU. The kicker my sister couldn’t go with. She needed to stay at the hospital and recover from her c-section. Ben called and asked me to come be with her. To get her up, moving, and eating so she could get to her daughter.

My students were happy that ACT prep class was over early. There was no place more important than being at my sister’s side. When I walked into her room she was trying to eat. Lord only knows why she asked for a heavy Arbbys sandwich. That sandwich was winning and she was losing. I watched her struggle to get out of bed. While she was in the bathroom our Mama walked in. My sister was asking for her earlier.

If you know our Mother than you know she is a drill Sargent. I can’t blame her for being that way. The woman had to raise a sick child and brought both of us to the top of our game. We strived for perfection. My sister couldn’t reach the brass ring. Instead she chose to give in to the shit around her. College slipped through her fingers and she settled for a certificate. My beautiful sister chose to settle. While I traveled the world and honed my craft. I rose to the top and she stood by my side cheering me on. As I watched my sister I knew she was giving in she was settling for what was and not thinking of getting through the pain.

After a good nap she was up and walking in the hall. My sister was fighting back. For once she chose not to settle for what was but for what could be. I cheered her on as she walked and said to her “Do you remember what you’d whisper in my ear when I was too sick to move.” She said No. “You said to me “Bobbie bird grow strong and big. I want to play with you. You my sister and my friend.” She cracked a smile and walked a little further. Once we got back to her room she was ready for a shower. The nurse came in and explained a few things to us. I was off to let the muppet out. When I came back I found a completely different woman.

She was showered, dressed, and eating. Smiling from ear to ear. Eyes glued to storage wars. I giggled when I saw her. My sister was back. She found the strength to get through the pain and get closer to her daughter. Soon our parents left and it was just us. Hanging out in her hospital room having a slumber party. My sister said I don’t know what I’d do if I lost Sophia. I told her Sophia is like her auntie and that little girl isn’t going anywhere. Lord knows I’ve almost died 3 times and I am still standing. I said “Fathead you are going to have a gazillion years with Sophia. She is in the best hands and she is a fighter. We never give up.” She looked up with tears in her eyes and cracked a smile.

I swear she kept me up until almost 1 am. The Dr. came in at 7:05 to tell my sister that she was free to go. All we had to do was tell the nurses to get the paper work in order. She ordered breakfast and took a shower. As I sat on the couch watching some trashy travel show she asked me “can you come here?” “I need help getting dressed.” The poor thing couldn’t bend over. My the tables have turned I said. Again she smiled. Once she was dressed I told the nurses we were ready to bust out. I am happy to report that she walked out on her own accord. I shoved her in the prius and we were on our way.

I stopped by the NICU on Sunday night. Sophia had wires coming from all directions and my sister sat in the rocker with a smile. She was with her baby. An I had kept my promise. I told her on Saturday ” I will do everything in my power to get you to Sophia.” I held to my word and watched as Jammie held Sophia in her arms. Sophia was a sleep in her Mommys arms and my sister was happy. Her happiness was worth one night of crappy sleep on a hospital couch. This was my moment to give back to her and show her that she was stronger than she ever thought possible.

{Sophia} Little Ninja

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Sophia


Words cannot begin to describe how proud I am to be Sophia’s Aunt. Sophia is the sweetest little ninja and she all ready has me wrapped around her finger. Soon she will be using her kung fu skills to take over the world. For now she is thinking and taking it all in.

After Ben’s sister and friends left he asked me “So do you want to hold your niece.” I blurted yes and he handed her over. Turns out I was the first person in our entire family to hold her. Ben didn’t even let his sister hold her. This was a special moment.

As I held Sophia in my arms I looked over and noticed my sister with tears in her eyes. Tears because she was watching her baby sister hold her baby. I told her “We have matching scars now!” She cracked a smile and Sophia nestled her head into my arms. She knew she was safe with her auntie and soon she was a sleep.

We talked about my son and the fact that I will not hold a baby of my own. She asked me if it bothered me. I told her “You never really get over the death of a child. You just live with it.” Thats what I do. I take each day as it comes and hope for the best. I spent the evening telling Sophia stories from our childhood. Stories of our adventures, turtles, and my travels over seas. An of course I told her all about Target and promised her that I’d teach her how to make a mean cookie. Sophia stretched her arms out and made little punches. This little ninja came out fighting 🙂 a ninja after my own heart. Sophia is a Ninja and I have no doubt that she will change the world.

{Dear Sophia} A Letter to My Niece

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Dear Sophia,

Rumor on the street is that you are coming tomorrow. That means your birthday will be on January 26th. I think that’s a mighty fine day for my niece to be born.

Sophia you are being born into a legacy of strong women and a blood line that is grounded in the tradition of the Ojibway nation. Your great great Grandmother Grace suffered and endured so that you could be free. You are possible because she knew that one day it would be ok for Indian people to marry white people. That is your how your Grandfather got here.

Your Grand Daddy has been through hell and back. Next month marks the tenth anniversary of his heart attack. Your Mama and I are thankful that our Daddy is here to see his first grand baby. When you are older I will tell you why I call Grandpa Pete. Pete isn’t his real name. Just know that you are like butter in your Grandpa’s hands and he will do anything for you. If he says no just ask Grandma. She always gives in.

Your Grandma is one hell of a woman. Her name is Sharon and she was one of the first females to hold a heavy equipment operators license. Grandma drove a dump truck and she taught us that “Women can do a man’s job and we can do it better than they can!” Your Grandma never let your Mama and I quit.She will do the same with you. Grandma will tell you “Sophia there is no such thing as I can’t. Because you can do it.” If Grandma tells you no ask Grandpa. He always gives in and will make you promise to not tell Grandma that he gave in. Thats how your Mama and I got what we wanted.

This brings me to your Mama. You’ve been hanging out with her and by now you know she is obsessed with purses. I’m sorry but she will subject you to her purse obsession. Your Mama is a strong woman. She doesn’t think she is but that girls got fight in her. JammieLeigh is her name (Grandma had a thing for double names) and she is a force to be reckoned with. When your mama and I were little we would play in our fort in the woods for hours on end. She was captain Jammie and I was her trusty sidekick the boobie bird. I had a cape and goggles that I wore to play the part of the perfect side kick. Where ever your Mama went the Boobie bird (don’t ask) wasn’t far behind her. Thats how our lives have been. Together we make the perfect team and I am honored to have woman like your Mama as my sister. In Red Wing your Mama and I are simply known as Greg’s girls.

People know not to mess with our family because we’re like a miniature country. You mess with one you mess with all of us. Lucky for you your Auntie (that’s me) is a lobbyist and she is making the world better for you. Instead of using my fists I use my words. Your Mama knows how to shoot a gun {I fear for your future dates} and well I can sail the get away ship. Thou I hope things never come to that point.

Sophia my wish is that we will never need to sail a gate away ship. That is unless we find our selves in shark infested waters. Then I’d want to sail a get away ship. Seriously thou I know you will do big things and that you are going to be one incredible little lady. Go easy on your Mama and just know that she’s gullible. I once I had her believing her car was possessed. Wait…wait it still is. So if you don’t want to go to school just tell her you saw a monster in the driver’s seat. Trust me she will believe you.

Now to the serious part. Sophia you have the power to change this world and make it better for the next generation. I hope you grow up to find a career that you love and don’t consider it work. Never lose your sense of wonder, never forget to dream, and live with your heart wide open. You are a ninja and ninjas never give up. Make your own road and let the stories of the past ground you. As long as you believe in what you are doing you can never go wrong. My son will be the angel on your shoulder and he will watch over you. He will always make sure you come home. Know that no matter where you go in this world I will always love you.

You Sophia are a life worth fighting for. Your mama will fight tooth and nail for you. My promise to you is this: I swear to you that I will do everything in my power to make medications safe for women. That you will not have to endure my fate and struggle to get you back. You will not be lost in this world. You my dear girl have strong women that will ground you and an angel looking out for you. You will live a life that dreams are made of.

Love

Auntie AJ

Facing My Shadow In The Sun

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Everyone comes to a point in their life where they are standing in the middle of a four-way. Do you go forward, turn to the right, turn to the left, or do you turn around and go back the way you came. It doesn’t matter which direction you choose. Whats matters is that YOU faced your shadow in the sun.

I’ve had quite the journey. There are days where I look back on my life and think “wow I can’t believe I did that!” Even I am at awe with what I have accomplished and how far I’ve had to come to find my cross roads. The road was filled with struggles, distractions, love, heart-break, and tears. I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything. Because the moments are what make me who I am.

Sitting still is something I could never do. Maybe its my ADD or my desire to move up. I thirst for adventure and challenge feeds every fiber of my soul. When I am no longer challenged boredom seeps in and I go searching for a new adventure. Lately I have been given the opportunity to interview for jobs out-of-state. Moving away from Minneapolis would be an awesome adventure and a challenge. Part of me wants to go right for adventure. Yet part of me wants to stay and watch my niece Sophia grow. I do not want to be that aunt she only sees on holidays. I want to be the one who stands by her side and teaches her to say “Mommy no no purses…..I’m hungry! Sophia needs food” when standing in the purse department of a store.

Stores are something I judge a city by. I have decided that I can live somewhere as long as they have a Bulls Eye in their town. Trader Joes would be nice, however I can live without it as long as there is another organic market to choose from. Corn fields are meant to be conquered. After all Children Of The Corn is just a silly movie. The muppet has no preference to where we live. That is unless there isn’t a dog park. He won’t do a city unless they have a dog park. He informed me of this yesterday. Silly dog.

Then again Minneapolis is full of Bulls Eyes, Trader Joe’s, skyways, and of course dog parks. We can’t forget the muppet in this city choosing equation. I love this city and the people that live here. Well maybe except for the cyclists that ride their bikes down the middle of the road. You I don’t like, because I feel like I am going to hit you with the Prius. An well maybe people who walk really slow in the skyway. They bug me too. Part of me wants to wait it out and see what the giant firm will do. The other part of me knows that if they haven’t made a move now, they never will. This is my chance to take what I’ve learned and prove myself to another firm. One that understands how smart I am and that my passion for the law lies deep. I want to be a change maker and some day I’ll be known for just that. For now I am happy that people know me as one hell of a paralegal that never gives up.

Don’t get me wrong I love my current job. However dealing with my coworkers and getting thrown under the bus is getting old. It seems no matter where I go people try to bring me down. As the assignment wears down I fear that more of them will try to run me over. Tire tracks do not look good on me. I am tired of dodging buses and light rail trains. So I find my self at a cross-road. Facing my shadow in the sun and wanting something more. The question is do I go forward or do I turn around and go back the way I came.

{Hope} For A Better Day

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Over the past few weeks I have been the rock in which the sea of kindness crashes upon. Its waves have wrapped themselves around me and I have never been more greatful. Because of you I will conquer this crazy disease or what ever the Doctors are calling it now. Your tweets, texts, phone calls, Facebook wall posts and emails have not fallen on deaf ears. I read each and every one of them. They make me smile and remind me that I am not alone in this world. Today I got an email from a coworker and it simply read “We are rooting for you in Denver!” That right there made my day.

Someone asked me today “Do you ever get mad? You know do you ever stomp and scream at the top of your lungs?” The answer is simply: No. Stomping and screaming will not change the box I am standing in. This was in the cards and it is the hand I have to play until my last card is on the table. Fate is simply just fate. I did not do anything to deserve this. It was just laid before me. Some of us have it easy and others fight like hell until their last breath leaves their soul.

My soul is filled with hope. Hope for a better day. A day where I can wake up without pain, throw the prescriptions to the side, and dance my cares away. For now hope and faith are holding me together. I fight back tears when I look at the healthy 29 / 30 somethings around me. There are moments where I wonder “Why the fuck me!” Then I take a breath and I think “Fuck the self pithy train. AJ duck tape your big girl pants on and strap your self in. Because we are going to beat this fucking thing.” An then I brush my teeth and get ready for work. Because Today has to be better than yesterday.