{Infertile Me} Embryo #3

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My road at CCRM Minneapolis had not been easy and it has come to an end. In November 2017 I had asked the clinic if I could use generic medications and they said no. I pushed and they still said no. They tried scare tactics and would always fucking say “brand medications lead to successful outcomes.” If I ever hear those words again I will run down Nicollet Mall in my underwear. Those words give one false hope. False hope of “if I use brand name meds my transfer will for surely work.” So many women just give up and go along with what the clinic wants because “they have my embryos and it’s their policy.” A policy that they will not show you because it is “internal.”

I asked to see it once and in return I was told “we find it very bold and offensive that you are questioning our doctors expertise.” Yup they said that to me and I have the email to prove it. I was told “if you don’t use brand you cannot transfer your embryos.” I gave in and went ahead with the brand name meds. We paid a crazy amount for them and we were set for a December transfer. Transfer day came, I was excited, I was so full of hope and I could not wait to bring the embryos home. The transfer did not go as planned. Dr. B ignored the referring doctors notes in regards to my complicated anatomy. At one point she thought she was in, I thank God that the embryos got stuck in the tube, otherwise they most likely would have been deposited in my cervix. At that point she should have called it a day, but instead she kept on going because “I’ve never met a uterus I couldn’t get in to.” An hour went by and I was wincing in pain, everyone saw that but her. Finally she decided to give up and I was scheduled for dilation surgery and our embryos were re-frozen.

At that point I lost all trust in the process and in her as a doctor. I tried to move to a different clinic but ran into issues. Due to CCRM’s unique freezing process other clinics will not take the embryos and CCRM Minneapolis is the only clinic in the twin cities that will take insurance. I was stuck without options and they had my embryos. So we bought more brand name drugs and continued on the path to a January transfer. If the transfer worked I could walk away from that clinic and never look back. On the day I graduated from the clinic I cried in the parking lot, I felt so relieved that I’d never have to see Dr. B again. I was pregnant and I’d never have to step foot back in there again.

Two weeks later we found out that our baby’s heart stopped. Our son Emmett made it 10weeks and 3 days. At first I could not entertain transferring Embryo #3. The thought of having to go back to that clinic made me sick to my stomach. I knew it would be more of the same bullshit, brand medications and no exceptions. Essentially their way or the highway. I’d have to face arrogant Dr. B again. Knowing no other clinic would take my embryo or insurance I sucked it up and forged ahead.

I asked the clinic again if I could use generic medications as I had reactions to some of the brands. I was again told no and they would give me something for the infection or rash. I explained again to them that generics are covered at 100% under my plan and it would be less of a financial burden. Again I was told no and “brand medications lead to successful outcomes…..” which to me is bullshit because Emmett died, brand name medications did not impact the outcome.

On the support group page I asked if women were getting generics at CCRM Minneapolis and a lot of women said “yes!” I expanded my pole and found out that all of the other CCRM locations allowed generics. The brand only policy is specific to Minneapolis. This made me angry and I wasn’t making headway with the clinic or corporate office, so I did what any woman would do, I stood up for myself. I reached out to the MN Attorney General’s office for help. On 8/15/18 Dr. B approved my prescriptions and the order was sent to the mail order pharmacy. On 8/16/18 all of the scripts had been canceled by the physician. That morning I got an email and a voice mail advising me that Dr. B wanted to meet in person on Monday instead of our scheduled phone call. On 8/17/18 we met with Dr. B and in less than 10 minutes my care was terminated. Dr. B terminated my care at her clinic because I filed a complaint.

In away I am relieved because now I do not have to deal with her arrogance. She is not God and she does not listen to her patients. Dr. B is the kind of physician that automatically expects trust and respect from her patients. I’m sorry but a doctor has to earn a patients trust and respect. Just because you are a doctor doesn’t mean you will automatically be trusted by your patients, let alone respected. She never earned our trust nor did she earn my respect. A good doctor understands their patients and realizes that at the end of the day each patient is different and that they cannot be shoved into boxes. I am not your typical patient, I come with baggage, scars, and PTSD due to past medical trauma and stuffing me in a box didn’t work for her. To be honest I don’t think Dr. B was prepared to handle a patient like me and she never will be. I learned the hard way that I need to advocate for myself every step of the way and I am not going to blindly follow a doctor because she says so. She is used to women drinking her koolaide and doing as they are told so that they too can have a successful outcome.

I’ve never been a fan of koolaide and I do not regret standing up for myself. I know my complaint will not change her outlook or the way she practices medicine. She is to arrogant to realize that something has to give and that her patients should have access to the low cost generics. Lord knows they pay enough to be there.

For me right now the only thing we can do is move forward. Embryo #3 will be moved to a cryobank and our journey to parenthood is at a standstill. I have to believe that somehow someway something good will come out of this. It may not benefit me, but it will benefit someone else. I do not regret what I did. At the end of the day I did what I had to do and it brings me comfort knowing that I ruffled her fucking feathers. And one thing I do know is this “she will always remember me, the girl who questioned her every step of the way.”

{Road Trip} Traveling with Littles

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Every time I told Sophia “Papa and auntie are going on a trip,” she would ask me “Auntie when are you going to take me? I am more fun than Papa!?” I knew in my heart she felt left out and that she needed to experience an Auntie led road trip. Duluth is one of my favorite places to visit, it is the gateway to the north shore after all. And the north shore has a special spot in my heart. One because I love it and two, because it was my home away from home for four years. I went to college across the bay from Duluth at the University of Wisconsin Superior and I had the time of my life.

Enough about my love of the north shore, let’s get down to business. Friday night proved to be an awful traffic night. A major crash on HWY 61 backed up the road for what seemed like miles. With snacks in hand we powered through and slowly crept along. When seeing the state of the cars involved I said a silent prayer and hoped that at least one person walked away from it. Jack & Sophia just saw the fire trucks and police cars, which was good because I didn’t want to explain that sometimes cars don’t make it home. About an hour into the drive I learned that Sophia has to pee a lot, so she got cut off from liquids and we made it all the way to Hinkley before she needed to go again.

We rolled into Duluth around 10:30PM checked into our hotel and immediately went to bed. Well those under the age of 7 went straight to bed. I showered and went over my plan for Saturday with my mom. It got the Nana stamp of approval. We woke up around 7:30AM and were headed out the door by 8AM. Jack was super excited to start his adventure and Sophia was still a little groggy but forged along side of us. Breakfast, did I mention I love breakfast? We went to Uncle Loui’s Diner and it did not disappoint. Did I mention that I love Diners?

Uncle Loui’s has your traditional diner fair. I ordered the tailgater, my mom the country fried steak, pancakes for Sophia, and strawberry stuffed French toast for Jack. Jack didn’t know what to think of his French toast and Sophia immediately eyed it and whined that she didn’t have it too. We explained that she chose pancakes and that is her breakfast and Jack’s is Jack’s. Jack sat next to me happily munching away asking me “Auntie what’s next, what’s next!?”

Next was Canal Park. We were running ahead of schedule and had sometime to burn before we needed to be at the train station. Jack climbed on everything he could and demanded that we take his picture. We of course obliged. Our arrival couldn’t have been more perfect, I heard the familiar alarm and directed their attention to the lift bridge. The bridge was lifting up to let a large laker through, which if you are not familiar is a large ore boat. Jack was intrigued by the large ship and sat on the canal wall waving until it passed him by. The crew on the ship waved back in his direction and he was beaming from ear to ear.

Sophia didn’t really care much for the ship, she was instead trying to find a way to climb down to a tiny strip of beach. I advised her numerous times “if you were meant to go down there, there would be a path. There is no path so it’s not meant for us to climb down there.” She gave me this look and begrudgingly stopped asking about it. Sophia was amused with the seagulls and curious about the lighthouse. We walked around the park until it was time to head to the train.

Jack happily played at the train table while I waited in line to pick up our tickets. With tickets in hand I showed them to Jack in which he squealed and shouted “TRAIN” he squealed again and let out a choo choo! He was one incredibly excited little. I let Sophia and Jack peek into the gift shop before boarding the train. Each of them picked out a little something and ran over to the boarding line. I chose the short one hour ride and it was just long enough to hold their attention. If you have little ones I recommend the Lake front express ride, which as you guessed it goes along the Lake front past the Cogdon estate and returns to the station. After our ride was over we made our way up the north shore.

I mentioned that I love the north shore right!? Because it literally is God’s country and to me it’s special. Getting to show Sophia and Jack why I loved it so much was part of our adventure. A trip isn’t complete unless candy is involved. We pulled off at the Great Lakes Candy Company in Knife River. It is a cute little shop filled to the brim with delicious hand made confections. I can of course only attest to the white Chocolate confections. Which are delicious by the way. Sophia and Jack both got a bag of candy fruit slices and happily paid for their treat with their own money.

The Candy company had a sweet little sitting area nestled amongst the trees and a bear trail for the kiddos. The bear trail is adorable and includes a candy kitchen play house and bears nestled along the path. Sophia and Jack loved every bit of it and asked if they could come back again. Candy, is always a hit!

Just up the road from the Candy Kitchen is Tom’s Logging Camp. I’ve driven by it for years but never ventured in. The cost of admission is $5.00 for adults and $4.00 for kids 6-12. You do not have to do the museum, you can stroll through the gift shop aka trading post or grab a sandwich at the restaurant across the parking lot. I chose to do the museum. The sweet woman at the counter advised me that we needed quarters to buy feed for the animals and that the baby goat was not stuck. She also advised the kids to look for the red horseshoes and to tell her how many we found to get a treat. With quarters in hand we followed the path exploring the buildings and looking for horseshoes. The kids loved feeding the animals and looking for the horseshoes. We found 7 total and with that they earned a sucker.

With suckers and souvenirs in hand we hit the road again. We stopped for lunch in Two Harbors to avoid the rain and continued our drive to the black beach in silver bay. As I watched the kids play in the sand it hit me “there should be four kids playing on the beach and I should be 7 months pregnant.” Sophia and Jack have no idea that they were cheated out of a lifetime with their cousins. Sophia has no idea that she is the second grandchild and Jack has no idea that he is the third. Moments like this break my heart, yet I know that my babies are together in heaven watching over them. Their cousins they will always be. As I wiped a few tears away I looked up to see Sophia & Jack giggling happily and waving their shovels back at me. Those two were having the best time on the beach.

It was getting late and I wanted to make good on my promise to Sophia, so we packed up and headed to the car. I promised Sophia that I would take her to a waterfall, Gooseberry Falls to be exact. As a child I loved coming to the falls and climbing around on the rocks under my parents not so watchful eye. Jack is to little to navigate the slippery rocks of the falls, he stayed back with Nana and watched from the viewing area. Sophia grabbed my hand and looked up at me beaming “Auntie! This is so cool,” as we skipped over streams of water. She kept telling me “Auntie! There is a way to the edge.” I loving explained “you are a klutz like your mother, the edge is not meant for you.” She groaned and asked if we could go closer to the upper falls. Which I obliged and Jack squealed as we came into view. It was starting to get dark, so Sophia and I made our way back to Nana and Jack.

Once back in Duluth we stopped at Grandma’s for dinner. As we waited for our table I kept Sophia and Jack amused by winning them rubber ducks from the crane game. Soon our buzzer went off and it was time for us to eat. Jack & Sophia munched happily on Mac & Cheese while Nana and I discussed our plan for Sunday. The Prius decided it would be fun to make a weird noise and we promised their Daddy that we’d be back by 5, so we decided to abandon the boat trip. We would head out after breakfast. After dinner we walked around Canal Park for a bit. The bridge is lit up at night and the kids loved being out after dark. Sophia proclaimed “vacation means staying up late,” with a giggle.”

After breakfast I had one more adventure up my sleeve. Jay Cook State Park. The swing bridge to be exact. Sophia happily darted across the bridge while Jack cautiously clung to my side. The movement of the bridge scared him, yet he was brave and made it across. On the way back over he paused to look through the bridge and shouted “Auntie! Water fall,” with a smile.

Soon it was time to get back in the car and head home. Jack slept the entire way back to Red Wing, while Sophia mumbled about being stuck in traffic and asking when she could go on vacation again. I told her “Next summer Sophia” she grinned up at the rear view mirror as she twirled her coin purse in her hands.

Thirty years from now Sophia & Jack will remember this weekend and will look back on the adventures they had. As their Auntie I get to provide experiences for them and in turn make memories that will last them a lifetime. This life is about living outside of the box and creating memories that are yours and yours alone.

{Road Trip} Wisconsin Dells

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It isn’t summer unless I make a trip to Wisconsin Dells. I have been going every summer for over ten years now. Over the years I’ve had numerous travel companions but for the last four years it’s been Jay. Ya know because he’s a keeper and I sort of like his face. Anyways all I can say is I LOVE the DELLs. It’s kitschy and touristy and it always changes and every time I go I discover something new to do. Your options are endless here, just be ready to pay for it all. Wisconsin Dells is what I call a money pit, you come in with a full wallet and leave with change, but it was totally worth it.

Everyone has at least one restaurant that they go to when they are in The Dells. For me it’s Mac’s Macaroni and Cheese shop. It’s amazing and I crave it all year. They have 18 different Macs that you can choose from, every thing from traditional to the three little piggies. Jay tried the hangover Mac and I tried the three little piggies Mac. Both were delicious and my craving has been satisfied for another year.

This year we decided to do a few things that we’ve never done before. I wanted to make this trip amazing and fun! If you are familiar with Paul Bunyan’s Cook Shanty, then you know that there is a lumberjack show right next door. Tickets are $17.98 for adults and $10 something for kiddos. The show happens rain or shine, because the crowd sits under cover. The show is mainly for kids with a few adult jokes sprinkled in for good measure. The host explains that the two camps will compete against each other in various lumberjack activities. Activities that include, axe throwing, pole climbing, sawing, and chopping. The show was good and it lasts about an hour and 20 minutes with a short intermission for the lumberjacks.

After the show we decided to stop for cheesecake which led us to paintball. Ya know because cheesecake and paintball go together. $10 gets you 120 balls with a bonus shot. The booth is small and the staff was friendly. While you pick your paintball gun the staff gives you some simple instructions, dumps your balls in the hopper and you are in business. Jay learned that I am a pretty good shot! See we’ve been together almost four years and he’s never seen me shoot before. Haha gotta keep those secrets ladies, always let them learn something new about you.

After paint ball we headed back to our kitschy motel for a late swim. We stayed at the Indian Trail Motel which is basically like staying in 1950. Hello pink bath tub! Anyways this isn’t our normal hotel. Our normal hotel Days End closed unexpectedly in early May and I was left scrambling to find us a new place to stay. The motel did fit the bill, swimming pool, fire pit, and price point. But it wasn’t the same. We still enjoyed our stay, the staff could use some customer service training and then this place would be awesome!

Since this weekend was about doing things we had never done before I suggested the Cave of the Mounds to Jay. In which Jay obliged and we set out on Saturday morning. The drive to the cave was beautiful, we wound are way through farm county and curved through bluffs. Soon we were at our destination, $18.98 gets you into the cave and the tour is about an hour long.

The cave did not disappoint. It is possibly the most beautiful cave I have ever been in. Cave of the Mounds is nicknamed the “jewel box” for the many different colors presented in the formations. Our tour guide Ariel was very sweet and informative about the cave and it’s history. I loved the fact that she paused to let us take photos through out our journey.

Once our cave tour was completed we went back to the surface, aka the gift shop. On our way in I noticed that you could buy bags of dirt to “mine” for jewels and fossils. I was determined to do this and so I did. A bag of dirt will set you back $12.99, but it’s worth it. It was for me at least. With my jewels in hand we said good bye to Cave of the Mounds and hit the road.

Wisconsin is littered with wineries. Every where you look it’s “oooo wine!” Some of the wineries are out pacing the California wineries in competitions across the globe, how cool is that? I saw a billboard for Baraboo Bluff Winery and so we went. The tasting room was very lively and the staff was knowledgeable about the wines. You can taste up to 3 wines for free, if you want to taste more than 3 it will cost you. Jay and I both dove in and tried 3 wines each. Somehow we walked out of there with half a case of wine. Ya know because that’s how I role. I do have to mention the winery is literally on top of a steep hill with a slightly less steep walking path. I let Jay carry the box down, I didn’t want to trip and break all the wine. AJ and steep paths don’t mix.

Once the wine was safely secured in the car we headed back to the Dells. We got some pool time in before the rain came and then headed off to dinner. When I was in Milwaukee my dad and I went to the Sprecher’s Brewery and I was surprised to see a Sprecher’s restaurant in The Dells. Well I wasn’t surprised, my dad told me it was there so it was more like “Whoa! Stinky Pete was right!?” Anyways the restaurant was a little busy, which is typical for dinner in the Dells. I ordered the prime rib and Jay got the rib eye, both were delicious.

After dinner we watched a Street magic show and I poked around in the shops on Main Street (really its Broadway). I’ve learned in my travels that wherever I go I am always reminded of my son’s. I was in a little shop looking at Christmas ornaments (don’t tell Jay) when something caught my eye and I had to have it and so I bought it. This was the perfect ending to a perfect Wisconsin Dells trip and I cannot wait for next summer.

{Emmett} Walk Boldly with Answers

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Over the past couple of months I have been checking the boxes in preparation for our upcoming transfer. I saw the hematologist, she was very informative and shared that Lovenox does in deed cross the placenta. That information was both a blessing and a curse. A curse because it could mean that Emmett’s demise was due to Lovenox. We will of course never know for sure why Emmett died, everything is in theory.

On Tuesday I met with a new perinatologist and the first question she asked me was “why were you on 80 units a day?” I honestly didn’t know. I did what the previous doctor told me to do. Although I did question the 80 units, again I was told because of my history 80 was the dose I needed. Turns out AJ doesn’t need 80 units…….she only needs 40. 40 fucking units is all I need. 80 units was to high for someone with my history and my weight. An 80 unit dose is for someone who has a clotting disorder or a BMI of 50.

Two weeks before Emmett’s heart stopped I increased the dose to 80 units. Emmett most likely bled to death, his little body couldn’t handle the Lovenox. Only Emmett knows how he died. I only know that he was genetically perfect and there is no reason for his leaving. In this moment I wish I had fought harder to change the dose. Then again I went along with what the doctor said to do and in the end it didn’t save Emmett nor did it help me.

Am I angry!? Of course I am angry. I am angry that no one would listen to me. That the doctor didn’t take a moment to really look into my history to see what and why my blood clot happened. I am angry that she shoved me into a box and pounded me until I fit the mold. In my gut I knew 80 units was to high. I should have just nodded my head and continued on with 40 instead of 80 units. If I did, maybe Emmett would still be here and I’d be seven months pregnant. I cannot go backwards, I cannot weigh the what if’s, I can only go forward, forward with a broken heart.

My heart she is broken. Yet she is relieved that someone with MD behind their name finally listened to her. We have a plan, a very good plan and with a little luck we will bring a baby home. The new Lovenox dose is 40 units a day with no increase along with a side of prednisone, baby aspirin, and anti-biotics. With a little luck this protocol will be our ticket to a take home baby.

Emmett taught me to continue to advocate for myself and to fight for what my gut knows. Just because a doctor is a doctor doesn’t mean they know everything. I am a walking talking example of “fuck, we messed up her care!” I of all people know what it’s like to be discounted and unheard. I know what it’s like to hear the words “um Im sorry but your pulmonary embolism and stroke didn’t need to happen.” I know what it’s like to be misdiagnosed and have forged a path in the aftermath. And I will not be silent, I will walk boldly with answers and I am not going to dwell on what might have been, I can only carry hope for what could be.

{Road Trip} Milwaukee

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It was late and I had this weird feeling that when we got to the hotel our room would be wrong. Well that feeling turned out to be right. Motel 6 charged my card and gave our room away. That was their first excuse, turns out they had the room but it was dirty and then it was back to “we gave it to someone else.” No one knows exactly why our room was lost but hotels.com rescued us and found us a different hotel. I wasn’t going to let this blunder ruin our trip.

Google told me that there was a chapel in Milwaukee. A chapel that originated in France. A chapel where THE Joan of Arch prayed. Well how the heck did it get in Wisconsin? Good question. After Word War I it was taken apart and shipped to a wealthy family in NY. That family donated it to Marquette University where it stands proudly to this day. They rebuilt it piece by piece and inch by inch until it was perfect.

If you know anything about me then you know I am a Frank Lloyd Wright fanatic. It’s like listed in my bio for this very blog. Google, man is she a blessing told me that the largest concentration of FLW homes was right in Milwaukee. My dad, he’s a good sport and we headed off to Burnham block, the American System Built Homes. I loved every minute of my tour, our guide was the best and he was impressed with my knowledge. I’ve seen the extravagant homes built by Wright, but these were simple and practical. The block contains two single family homes and four duplexes. One is under renovation and others are awaiting renovation. It’s a complex project that takes a lot of love and money. So if you find yourself in Milwaukee, GO!! The tour will set you back $15.

Sherri told me that she went to a brewery that had soda in Milwaukee. Google told me that place was called Sprecher’s and it did not disappoint. The tour was short and the line to get your free samples was long. We abandoned the line and started filling our case. You can buy the soda for 90 cents a bottle which is a steal. In the store you pay $3 for a bottle of soda. The flavors are endless, we got “low cal” root beer, watermelon, raspberry, strawberry, grape, and orange cream to name a few. Plus a few hard sodas and ciders.

Harley as in Harley Davidson. I have no interest in Motor Cycles. They make me nervous and don’t get me started about motor cycles on the freeways. Anyways since this trip is not all about me and my dad did willingly tag along to Wright and the church I brought him to the museum. His first words were “this is bigger than I thought it would be.” I should also mention that the guy at the ticket counter asked my dad if he needed a wheelchair because there is a lot of walking. My dad replied in the only way he knows how “do I look like I need a FUCKING wheelchair!?” Yup, that’s my dad and I’m keeping him. He loved the museum. The museum is filled with every Harley in existence from the very start to modern day. The displays are well executed and curated. If you like buttons there are lots of those to push. At the end they have an area where you can climb on a bike for photos.

Since Milwaukee is know for its high concentration of Germans and German culture I thought it was fitting that we go to a beer hall for sausages. What can I say, I am half German, thanks mom! And I love me a good sausage and German Potato salad and Spatzel. We went for the pretzel and beer hall platter. A platter our waitress called “the meat party.”

My whole reason for this trip was to visit Frank Lloyd Wright’s Greek Orthodox Church aka the “Jewel Box.” Now I should mention the congregation does not offer open tours. You can make a tour by appointment or you can just pack a dress and go to church. Now I am Methodist so the service was very different for me and my dad too. A wonderful woman named Denise took us under her wing and explained the service to us and made sure we were doing ok. There is a lot of standing during the service and the majority of it was in Greek and we were lost. Although lost it was a beautiful service in a beautiful church. Bucket list item accomplished.

After service we stopped for breakfast and drove onto Racine, because you guessed it another Wright building tour was on deck. But first KRINGLE! My lovely and dear friend Lisa would always bring Kringle back from Racine and it was delicious so I had to stop in at the bakery and grab like 3 of them….. don’t judge.

Trip advisor told me that the Wind Point Lighthouse was not to be missed and since I also have a minor obsession with lighthouses we went. She did not disappoint it was a perfect day on the shores of Lake Michigan.

Wingspread was my main reason for driving to Racine. Not familiar with Wingspread? Well, you’ve come to the right place. Wingspread is the Home Frank Lloyd Wright built for Herbert F. Johnson the owner of Johnson Wax now known as SC Johnson. The home was extraordinary for its time and expensive as well. The original budget was $100,000.00, Wright was famous for blowing budgets and blow this one he did. This is an extraordinary example of Wright architecture and it did not disappoint. It is after all the only Wright design that includes a swimming pool. Wright believed that swimming pools were glorified bath tubs, I tend to agree with the man.

Wingspread was the last stop on our journey. It was getting late so my dad and I headed westward to Home. Of course we made a stop in the Dells for dinner and I politely told my dad “this is your last trip this summer….” He didn’t like the sound of that and he keeps on asking me where we are going next. August and September are up in the air, when going through IVF you hand your life over to the clinic and pray for the best.

{Road Trip} “To South Dakota You Go!”

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Originally this trip started out with a destination of Western Minnesota. Once I looked at a map and saw how close Sioux Falls was I added it to the itinerary and booked our hotel. I then realized that the badlands were only a 4 hour drive from Sioux Falls and that The Black Hills were only like an hour past that, so drive west we did!

My dad and I made it to Sioux Falls late Friday night and checked into our hotel. Which the hotel was busy, heck the town was busy. We went straight to sleep because it was almost midnight and I had this grand plan of waking up at 5AM and driving west. Drive west we did!

My research told me that the Badlands Scenic Byway was not to be missed. $10 gets you a pass to the 35 mile long byway. The badlands are gorgeous or as my dad said “seeing it in person is much better than seeing it on TV!” There are lots of photo opportunities and many pull overs where you can safely take photos and walk trails into the canyons. We came upon a flock of big horn sheep munching on mustard weed. My dad again “aren’t they neat!? This is so cool!”

The scenic byway dumps you off in Wall South Dakota aka Home of Wall Drug. We decided to stop because well we read their billboards for over 100+ miles. I gotta say, I was disappointed. Wall Drug is always hyped up on travel shows and blogs, it was just meh. It didn’t make my little souvenir loving heart go pitter patter. It just went “this is it!?” We made the best of it and ordered lunch and walked through the shops. We did find trinkets to take home and a shoe horn. My dad needed a shoe horn and he was glad we found one at Wall Drug. Oh! My dad made some new friends at Wall Drug, they weren’t much for talking though…. I did find one bright side, I loved the little Travelers Chapel, it was simple, yet a reminder that no matter where we go we find faith.

With our bellies full we got back on the road and headed, you guessed it “West!” I just have to add the speed limit in South Dakota is 80MPH!!!!!! Once again I was legit and not speeding!! It was great!! I could go 80 all day every day! Destination Rushmore! Mount Rushmore was a bore. You walk through the flags and hey there is a gift shop and an ice cream shop and oh yeah some old dudes in stone. My dad didn’t walk up to the balcony he stayed back near the parking ramp. He said “I liked watching the look on people’s faces…. they were like “that’s it!”” Word! “That’s it, is right!

From Rushmore we drove to the Crazy Horse Monument. Which by the way is still under construction and the people at the gate let you know “you cannot get any where near the monument.” Which was fine by us. My dad stayed in the car while I went to check out the visitor center and gift shop. Again there were a lot of people with “that’s it” looks on their faces.

From Crazy Horse we drove to Custer and from Custer we drove to Wyoming!!! Yes, yes we kept on driving west! And because why not!

After our little side trip to Wyoming we drove back to Rapid City for dinner and then drove EAST!! We got back to our hotel around 2AM. Holy that was a long ass drive but it was totally worth it! Google told me that there was actually a water fall in Sioux Falls, so off we went!

From the falls we headed east! East to the famous “Devil’s Gulch.” Jesse James supposedly jumped the 20 foot gap and hid from the law. Because ya know robbing a bank in Northfield gets you in to trouble.

From the Gulch, you guessed it we drove EAST!! East to the Jeffers Petroglyphs.

We continued to drive east until we reached Red Wing where I traded my dad in for the beloved muppet like dog and headed back home to Jay.

{Road Trip} “Uppers” for the weekend

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My dad and I take a road trip every Memorial Day weekend. He gets to pick the where and I provide the how. Yes I drive and he rides, well more like he sleeps the whole way. This year my dad chose the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. As far as I can remember he has always wanted to go and see the Mackinac Bridge aka “The Mighty Mac.” So go we did and let me tell you, The Mighty Mac does not disappoint.

Each trip over the bridge will cost you $4.00 and you can only drive 40 MPH, which is just fine if you ask me. The middle lanes are grates and the outside lanes are pavement. I chose pavement, because well driving on the grate is just weird and I didn’t like it, so the pavement was my jam. We probably made a total of 10 round trips over the bridge for a total of $80.00, it was my dad’s favorite thing and I didn’t mind. Bring cash! It will get you through the toll booths faster than a credit card!

The upper peninsula of Michigan is beautiful and very easy to drive in. Hello! The speed limit is 75 MPH, I was legit for once and not speeding! Go me!!!! Anyways my dad and I made the drive up to the top of the UP which is Sault Saint Marie to see the famous locks. My dad stayed in the car and well I went to the locks solo. The locks are well locks and its pretty fun to watch the ships go through them. There is a raised platform that you can go on to get a birds eye view of the locks. Security is tight around the locks so leave your, booze, knife, and gun in the car. The locks are right on the edge of the city so it was easy to find and there was lots of parking. Across the street from the locks there are restaurants and shops to satisfy the tourist.

My dad and I stayed in the UP. Our hotel was in St. Ignace which just happens to be the gateway to the UP! The town is beautiful and the people were lovely. On Main Street there is the Museum of Ojibway culture and across from that is the Indian Village Souvenir shop. Seeing that my Dad is Ojibway going to the Museum was a no brainer. The Museum is very informative on Ojibway Culture and the staff was very warm. There is a small area where you can by real Indian made goods and not the “made in China” kind. I ended up buying four hand painted spirit puppets. Thunder is currently sitting on my mantel.

The main point of traveling to the UP is to take a hydro jet ferry over to Mackinac Island! Yes that famous island that does not allow cars! Well except for a ambulance, fire truck, and police car…..they are necessary vehicles to have. If you like horses and fudge, then my friend this place is your dream come true. We decided to take the carriage tour which will set you back $29 per person. The carriage tour is informative and a great way to see all of the sights on the island. Such as arch rock, Fort Mackinac, The Cemeteries, and the state park.

The Main Street on the island is straight out of the 1800s. Full of cute little shops selling tourist wares and duh! FUDGE! My dad and I got some fudge and t-shirts then bid the island goodbye.

Mackinaw City is at the “tip of da mitt.” If you ask me the whole town is just a glorified ferry dock with shops. They did however have a Del Sol, so I will give them an extra point for this. Down by the lake you will find “old fort Mackinac and a light house.” Both sites are open for daily tours. My dad chose the fort, because well he likes history and all of that jazz. It was actually pretty cool.

Lighthouses are a plenty in Northern Michigan and if you know me well, the you know I love me a good lighthouse. I went to five total and loved everyone of them.

My dad and I have a tradition when on vacation. Wherever we are we watch the sunset. Michigan sunsets over the Mighty Mac did not disappoint. I could watch them every day for the rest of my life and then some. This trip was amazing. We packed a lot into three days and honestly I could have stayed for the entire summer. If you haven’t been, I urge you to go! It truly is pure Michigan and she does not disappoint.

{Only In MN} Jeffers Petroglyphs

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I am always intrigued by those brown “historical marker” signs along the highway. Sometimes they lead me to just a plaque describing a place that once was or sometimes I hit the jackpot and it turns out to be amazing. In early May while driving to Lake Shetek State Park I saw such a sign along the winding prairie road. I made a mental note to stop on my way home.

My way home came sooner than we would have liked. It was freezing and Lucy well she decided that her ticket home was barfing on her mom’s covers. It did the trick and Sherri and I broke down our camp and loaded up the dogs. I mentioned to Sherri the sign that I saw and she was game, so off we went.

I know you are wondering “AJ what was the sign!?” Wonder no more, I saw the sign for the Jeffers Petroglyphs and I had to go see them. Like really really had to go see them, otherwise I would have regretted it.

So stop I did and I was not disappointed. We walked for what seemed like a half mile out to the petroglyphs. It’s beautiful, the raw natural prairie envelopes you and makes you feel like you were always meant to be there. Signs dot the path explaining Dakota heritage and the plants of the prairie before you. Soon a reddish stone appears and you quickly realize that there is a rope lined path dotting the hillside. Plaques call out which petroglyphs is which, some are harder to identify than others. Some are obvious and you start to realize that you are viewing a history that is older than you could have ever imagined.

A hand print in the stone, turtles, Buffalo, Thunder bird, and so many more drawings of the past. This place was sacred, this place had meaning, and as you feel the wind on your back you realize deep down that just maybe you passed this way once before.

The petroglyphs site touched me deeper than I thought it would, this place was spiritual and for that I was thankful. It doesn’t matter what type of Indian runs through your veins, Indian is Indian and this place is a place you were always meant to pass through.

If you find yourself in southwestern Minnesota, a visit to the Jeffers Petroglyphs site is a must. It’s beautiful, spiritual, and worth slowing down to just take it all in.

To find out more go here:

http://sites.mnhs.org/historic-sites/jeffers-petroglyphs

{Infertile Me} With shattered HOPE

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Some days I wish I could go back to September 2017 and tell myself not to cling to hope. To tell myself that this journey is going to suck beyond belief. That you will put all of this work in to end up with empty arms, just like you did before. You my dear girl, your heart will be broken again.

Yet I can’t. Because 2017 me was so full of hope and faith. Her heart though broken still beat with courage and strength. She believed deeply in the process and had her eyes set on the prize. For her sanity she broken it down into pieces, first eggs, then embryos, then transfer, and finally a baby. The first two parts were easy for her to digest. 15 eggs brought her 3 quality embryos. Those embryos meant the world to her and she was certain she would transfer two and she did. Those two ended with one baby. One baby whose heart beat stronger every day until there was silence. Her world just like before crashed around her with the words “there is no heart beat.” At that moment she was done trying. Her heart couldn’t take anymore. She had given three babies back to God.

Little by Little and day by day she grew stronger and her heart started to look to Embryo #3. She knew if she didn’t go for it, she would always wonder “what could have been.” With withered strength and threadbare hope, she decided to move forward.

Forward with shattered hope. In March I was certain that I could not bare going through a transfer again, yet I am stronger than I think. Yesterday I put the ball in motion. The clinic was so glad to hear from me (I’m sure they say that to everyone). Dr. B has formulated a plan, we are not messing around this time. Workup in July, dilation surgery in August, and with a little luck a transfer in September.

September, Emmet was due in September. I just pray it doesn’t end up being on the 23rd, Emmet’s due date. Then again maybe September will be our lucky month and this one I will get to keep.

{Hearts on 22} National Stroke Awareness Month

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On October 22, 2009 I almost died five days before my 27th Birthday. I found myself in the ER unable to breath with unbearable chest pain. A CT scan revealed a clot the size of a ten cent gum ball lodged in the valve that connects my left lung to my heart. My oxygen level was below 50%, my heart was in sinus tachycardia and I was fighting for my life. To make matters worse my blood pressure kept rising and suddenly I lost my words, the staff sprung into action, TPA was administered and my life was saved. I had survived a massive pulmonary embolism with infection and a stroke due to the third generation progesterone in my birth control, the Nuvaring.

At 26 Stroke wasn’t on my radar and until that day I had no clue what a pulmonary embolism was. Strokes happened to old people not young professionals. That day taught me that strokes can happen at any age and your risk is higher if you are taking hormonal contraceptives. My OBGYN never once mentioned that my birth control could possibly kill me, she just wrote the script, shoved it in my hand and went on her merry way.

I could have spent the past almost nine years in hiding. As in not telling a soul I had a stroke because well on the outside I look perfectly normal. I was lucky, I got the clot busters in time and I walked away unscathed. Many of my survivor counterparts are not so lucky, they have physical and mental impairments. Impairments that could have been prevented if they had received treatment in time. This haunts me, some days I wonder why I was the lucky one and on other days I say “why not me!?”

This life I lead is borrowed. I wish I could say it was perfect, but it’s not. I am living a perfectly imperfect life. This second chance is mine and mine alone to live. I made the choice to live my Stroke out loud. My story and willingness to fight this battle has landed me on billboards, fashion shows, tv commercials, news paper articles, magazine articles, and in DC. Oh the places your stroke will take you. Even I have to pause for a moment and think “holy shit AJ you’ve like made a difference!” A difference I have made, because what happened to me is 100% preventable.

That’s right what happened to me was 100% preventable. I had gone to the doctor a week prior with symptoms of a blood clot in my leg. The doctor told me to “drink more water and walk more.” One week later to the day I found myself in the ER fighting for my life. If only my doctor had listened to me. All the doctor had to do was order a d-dimer test. If that test had been ordered the doctor would have caught the blood clot before it found its way to my lung and brain. It’s been almost nine years and that still gets me the most, that this, pulmonary embolism and stroke of mine was 100% preventable.