Category Archives: life lessons

{Road Trip} “Uppers” for the weekend

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My dad and I take a road trip every Memorial Day weekend. He gets to pick the where and I provide the how. Yes I drive and he rides, well more like he sleeps the whole way. This year my dad chose the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. As far as I can remember he has always wanted to go and see the Mackinac Bridge aka “The Mighty Mac.” So go we did and let me tell you, The Mighty Mac does not disappoint.

Each trip over the bridge will cost you $4.00 and you can only drive 40 MPH, which is just fine if you ask me. The middle lanes are grates and the outside lanes are pavement. I chose pavement, because well driving on the grate is just weird and I didn’t like it, so the pavement was my jam. We probably made a total of 10 round trips over the bridge for a total of $80.00, it was my dad’s favorite thing and I didn’t mind. Bring cash! It will get you through the toll booths faster than a credit card!

The upper peninsula of Michigan is beautiful and very easy to drive in. Hello! The speed limit is 75 MPH, I was legit for once and not speeding! Go me!!!! Anyways my dad and I made the drive up to the top of the UP which is Sault Saint Marie to see the famous locks. My dad stayed in the car and well I went to the locks solo. The locks are well locks and its pretty fun to watch the ships go through them. There is a raised platform that you can go on to get a birds eye view of the locks. Security is tight around the locks so leave your, booze, knife, and gun in the car. The locks are right on the edge of the city so it was easy to find and there was lots of parking. Across the street from the locks there are restaurants and shops to satisfy the tourist.

My dad and I stayed in the UP. Our hotel was in St. Ignace which just happens to be the gateway to the UP! The town is beautiful and the people were lovely. On Main Street there is the Museum of Ojibway culture and across from that is the Indian Village Souvenir shop. Seeing that my Dad is Ojibway going to the Museum was a no brainer. The Museum is very informative on Ojibway Culture and the staff was very warm. There is a small area where you can by real Indian made goods and not the “made in China” kind. I ended up buying four hand painted spirit puppets. Thunder is currently sitting on my mantel.

The main point of traveling to the UP is to take a hydro jet ferry over to Mackinac Island! Yes that famous island that does not allow cars! Well except for a ambulance, fire truck, and police car…..they are necessary vehicles to have. If you like horses and fudge, then my friend this place is your dream come true. We decided to take the carriage tour which will set you back $29 per person. The carriage tour is informative and a great way to see all of the sights on the island. Such as arch rock, Fort Mackinac, The Cemeteries, and the state park.

The Main Street on the island is straight out of the 1800s. Full of cute little shops selling tourist wares and duh! FUDGE! My dad and I got some fudge and t-shirts then bid the island goodbye.

Mackinaw City is at the “tip of da mitt.” If you ask me the whole town is just a glorified ferry dock with shops. They did however have a Del Sol, so I will give them an extra point for this. Down by the lake you will find “old fort Mackinac and a light house.” Both sites are open for daily tours. My dad chose the fort, because well he likes history and all of that jazz. It was actually pretty cool.

Lighthouses are a plenty in Northern Michigan and if you know me well, the you know I love me a good lighthouse. I went to five total and loved everyone of them.

My dad and I have a tradition when on vacation. Wherever we are we watch the sunset. Michigan sunsets over the Mighty Mac did not disappoint. I could watch them every day for the rest of my life and then some. This trip was amazing. We packed a lot into three days and honestly I could have stayed for the entire summer. If you haven’t been, I urge you to go! It truly is pure Michigan and she does not disappoint.

{Infertile Me} With shattered HOPE

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Some days I wish I could go back to September 2017 and tell myself not to cling to hope. To tell myself that this journey is going to suck beyond belief. That you will put all of this work in to end up with empty arms, just like you did before. You my dear girl, your heart will be broken again.

Yet I can’t. Because 2017 me was so full of hope and faith. Her heart though broken still beat with courage and strength. She believed deeply in the process and had her eyes set on the prize. For her sanity she broken it down into pieces, first eggs, then embryos, then transfer, and finally a baby. The first two parts were easy for her to digest. 15 eggs brought her 3 quality embryos. Those embryos meant the world to her and she was certain she would transfer two and she did. Those two ended with one baby. One baby whose heart beat stronger every day until there was silence. Her world just like before crashed around her with the words “there is no heart beat.” At that moment she was done trying. Her heart couldn’t take anymore. She had given three babies back to God.

Little by Little and day by day she grew stronger and her heart started to look to Embryo #3. She knew if she didn’t go for it, she would always wonder “what could have been.” With withered strength and threadbare hope, she decided to move forward.

Forward with shattered hope. In March I was certain that I could not bare going through a transfer again, yet I am stronger than I think. Yesterday I put the ball in motion. The clinic was so glad to hear from me (I’m sure they say that to everyone). Dr. B has formulated a plan, we are not messing around this time. Workup in July, dilation surgery in August, and with a little luck a transfer in September.

September, Emmet was due in September. I just pray it doesn’t end up being on the 23rd, Emmet’s due date. Then again maybe September will be our lucky month and this one I will get to keep.

{Hearts on 22} National Stroke Awareness Month

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On October 22, 2009 I almost died five days before my 27th Birthday. I found myself in the ER unable to breath with unbearable chest pain. A CT scan revealed a clot the size of a ten cent gum ball lodged in the valve that connects my left lung to my heart. My oxygen level was below 50%, my heart was in sinus tachycardia and I was fighting for my life. To make matters worse my blood pressure kept rising and suddenly I lost my words, the staff sprung into action, TPA was administered and my life was saved. I had survived a massive pulmonary embolism with infection and a stroke due to the third generation progesterone in my birth control, the Nuvaring.

At 26 Stroke wasn’t on my radar and until that day I had no clue what a pulmonary embolism was. Strokes happened to old people not young professionals. That day taught me that strokes can happen at any age and your risk is higher if you are taking hormonal contraceptives. My OBGYN never once mentioned that my birth control could possibly kill me, she just wrote the script, shoved it in my hand and went on her merry way.

I could have spent the past almost nine years in hiding. As in not telling a soul I had a stroke because well on the outside I look perfectly normal. I was lucky, I got the clot busters in time and I walked away unscathed. Many of my survivor counterparts are not so lucky, they have physical and mental impairments. Impairments that could have been prevented if they had received treatment in time. This haunts me, some days I wonder why I was the lucky one and on other days I say “why not me!?”

This life I lead is borrowed. I wish I could say it was perfect, but it’s not. I am living a perfectly imperfect life. This second chance is mine and mine alone to live. I made the choice to live my Stroke out loud. My story and willingness to fight this battle has landed me on billboards, fashion shows, tv commercials, news paper articles, magazine articles, and in DC. Oh the places your stroke will take you. Even I have to pause for a moment and think “holy shit AJ you’ve like made a difference!” A difference I have made, because what happened to me is 100% preventable.

That’s right what happened to me was 100% preventable. I had gone to the doctor a week prior with symptoms of a blood clot in my leg. The doctor told me to “drink more water and walk more.” One week later to the day I found myself in the ER fighting for my life. If only my doctor had listened to me. All the doctor had to do was order a d-dimer test. If that test had been ordered the doctor would have caught the blood clot before it found its way to my lung and brain. It’s been almost nine years and that still gets me the most, that this, pulmonary embolism and stroke of mine was 100% preventable.

{Life Lessons} Photo of Happiness

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Out of all the photos we took in Nebraska Jay loved one the most. To me it was unflattering, I was in the process of deleting it from my phone when Jay said “no that is my favorite photo, it’s so genuine.” You can imagine the look I gave him, I immediately pointed out my double chin and how this photo made my look heavy. He told me I was beautiful (he’s a smart man) and that he loved this photo because it shows pure happiness.

I let this photo sit on my phone. From time to time I’d go to it and just look at it. After awhile I stopped focusing on my chubby chin (thank you lymph node and saliva gland removal) and noticed how happy I was in this moment. Sure I was suffering from terrible period cramps (a reminder that I was no longer pregnant), but this photo doesn’t show that, it shows a woman living in the moment, smiling at who knows what. Oh smiling because she was about to burst into a full laugh because Jay was playing photographer.

These are the moments we live for. Moments of pure joy amongst the mundane. These moments chase away the darkness and bring in the light. Our smiles no matter how chubby the chin chases away the darkness and brings light into our hearts. This photo doesn’t show a woman with a broken heart struggling to bring home a child of her own. This photo doesn’t show a woman who has three babies in heaven, it is proof that Love and Joy always prevail. That I have a choice, a choice to grieve or grieve while living the best life I possibly can.

I will never get over the death of my babies, those little ones will always be a part of me. Just as I am a part of them. I live this life for Lucia, Baby E, and Emmet. My boys are the reason behind my strength, my faith, my joy, and my eternal happiness. I chose happy because I know that is what my sons want for me, a lifetime of happiness.

{Infertile Me} Emmet James

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As the blizzard poured down around me I looked out the window and remembered that the doctor said Snow Pea’s results would be in on Friday. Friday went without word, so I logged in to my online chart, “1 new message” it said. I held my breath, my heart raced, I knew what the message was. It was the answer, the answer that Jay and I had been waiting for. It took a while for the words to sink in, “normal (46 chromosomes) XY.”

In the moment I couldn’t remember if XY was a boy or girl, Dr. Google told me XY = boy. Jay and I had a perfectly normal boy. Snow Pea was a boy. There is no how behind the why, and the why has yet to be answered. It’s a blessing and a curse. My baby, our baby was a healthy little boy whose heart just stopped. The placenta was perfect and Jay & I are genetically normal, it doesn’t add up, but in the end we still had to give a healthy baby back to God.

Emmet James was called home before his feet even touched this earth. Emmet James was born sleeping on March 5, 2018. This little boy was loved beyond measure, deeply wanted, and is desperately missed. Emmet was courageous, he was the little beta that could, he proved that low betas can grow into healthy heart beats. I carried his little heart for 11 weeks 1 day. He was ours and we were his. Emmet James, my baby you will always be.

Emmet James is my second and Jay’s first son. A son that we had to give back before our hearts were ready. I have to believe that Emmet found his siblings in heaven. That Lucia was waiting for him with Baby E at his side, welcoming Emmet to the other side of the rainbow. I am a little jealous because Lucia and Baby E got to meet Emmet before we did.

Emmet James was cheated out of a lifetime. He will never get to go finishing with his Papa and he will never get to play tic tac toe with his Nana. Emmet will never get to take a plane to California to visit his Nana and Papa, Jay’s parents they got cheated too. I will never get to teach him how to ride a bike, tie his shoes, or take him on a road trip. Jay will never get to teach Emmet about World of Warcraft, computers, and Back to the Future. Yes, Emmet’s name comes from Back to the Future, Doctor Emmet Brown. Emmet deserved a life time, to feel the grass on his feet, to laugh, and to love beyond measure. His life was cut far to short and we sent him off with more love than one soul could ever handle. Our baby, he will always be. Emmet James you dear, will always be ours.

{Infertile Me} Take a seat, let’s get real

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I know what you are wondering “did snow pea’s results come back?” Umm nope, the wait still continues. Right now the lab is taking 3 to 6 weeks to complete the testing and provide the results. Trust me I ask the doctor at least once a week if he’s heard anything and it’s been a big fat nope. So we wait.

I am really good at waiting and waiting some more. During this wait, I’ve decided to leave no stone unturned and to go into our final transfer with as much knowledge as humanly possible. I will be meeting with a hematologist in early May to discuss my old friend Lovenox. I personally don’t think I need it, but people with medical degrees feel that I do. I am in an odd spot, I don’t fit in a box, and the doctor just shoved me in one with a Lovenox prescription. The dose is a major question and issue. Just like with Lucia, snow pea’s heart stopped a week after I increased the dose. The manufacture says Lovenox is safe for pregnant women and that it doesn’t cross the placenta. But let’s be real, anything a woman consumes can possibly cross that magical thing called a placenta. I also know one shouldn’t leak like a sieve after injecting themselves or have the injection sites randomly bleed through out the day. White shirts and I were no longer on speaking terms, hello darkness my old friend. I don’t want to be shoved in a box, I want a protocol that is tailored to me and my weird ass body. Why? Because I have no clotting factors, my blood clot was a total fluke, I drew the short straw and my life hasn’t been the same.

IVF is much the same as Lovenox protocols. It’s a one size fits all approach and if you don’t fit, they will make you fit. Very few reproductive endocrinologists are willing to reinvent the wheel. They prescribe the same protocols over and over again. I have no complaints here, we got 3 embryos from our protocol and we did get pregnant. It’s just Snow Pea’s heart stopped without notice or known reason. It just stopped and I have yet to carry a baby to term. At the moment we are tossing around first trimester bed rest, reduced Lovenox dose, and an antihistamine protocol to keep my inflammation down. Will it work? Who knows. I’ve got one last shot at a bio child and I am not willing to blow it on junk science and voodoo.

Speaking of fit, if I fit, I sits. Dexter the cat taught me that and right now this mama doesn’t fit in any boxes…. This mama has fallen off of the healthy wagon and needs to chase that fucking thing down and jump back on. A few years ago I had success on weight watchers. I had lost about 20 pounds before I found out I was pregnant with baby E and then shit just went down hill from there. Losing babies is hard and cupcakes and carbs were my friends. We got along a little to well and mama’s waistline expanded a little to much. This morning I put in my card info and signed my ass back up. I am officially on the wagon and I am not getting off until I am pregnant again.

I am starting this journey at 241 pounds (yup I just wrote that number out loud). This is the biggest I have ever been. I’m not happy, I feel sluggish and I wish I could blame my now juicy ass (juicy as in plump, not, get your head out of the gutter) on the IVF meds. But I can’t, because this mama loves cupcakes, cookies, fancy coffee, carbs, yes give me all the carbs and I despise vegetables and anything that screams “I’m HEALTHY!” This has got to change because I want my body back. I am not aiming to be thin, I just want to be me, a healthy me. If I can get to 200 by the time transfer day arrives, awesome, if I’m still pushing 230 to 220 that’s cool too, because at least I know I’m working darn hard to get there.

{Infertile Me} Genetically Normal Parents

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As I walked through the skyway my phone rang. It was a number I have seen hundred of time and I instantly answered with worried hope. It was Park Nicollet, the genetic counselor was calling me to go over my test results. She informed me in a cheery voice that I was genetically normal, I have no deletions or translocations, my chromosomes are perfect. She went on to say that Jay was perfectly normal too and that our risk for an abnormal embryo is .00004%. Which means Jay and I are capable of creating normal embryos and I should be carrying a baby to term. Which is maddening because our baby died. We put two embryos in and only got one very wanted baby.

Relief is not what I feel. I am still holding my breath snow pea’s tests are still in process and right now her story is the only story that matters. I just know she’s gone and we do not have a why or a how to put behind it. Then again I’ve been tortured for eight years knowing that there was no reason for her big brother’s leaving. Lucia was genetically normal, his little heart just stopped and there was no reason for it, it just stopped. Baby E was an easier pill to swallow, poor baby had 69 chromosomes, that baby, our baby had a reason for leaving because one cannot live with 3 sets of chromosomes.

Three. Embryo #3 is safety tucked away in a cryo tank waiting for the day that their mother becomes strong enough to transfer it home. Today my mind isn’t there, I cannot fathom going through another transfer. Tomorrow I will change my mind and cling to the hope of what could be. Flip flopping is what I have been doing. The genetic counselor said that there is a high chance that Embryo #3 will most likely result in a normal pregnancy. It will be easier to make a decision of what to do with #3 when we get Snow Pea’s results. In a way I pray that something was wrong so that I can have a why and a how. It’s maddening, it is a blessing and a curse when they tell you “your child is normal and well we don’t know why he died.”

After Lucia died I honored him by having four small paw prints tattooed on my right foot. I knew in my heart that Snow Pea deserved to be a part of her mama to. So I searched the web until I found the perfect imagine of Snow Pea blossoms. Snow Pea is forever etched in my soul and on my skin, she will always be with us. When I look down it brings a smile to my heart, knowing that her memory is with me where ever I go. My baby she will always be.

{Infertile Me} I will always choose you

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Right now this loss doesn’t make sense. Going into this I knew I could walk away with empty arms. I pushed that risk down to the bottom and filled my heart with hope. Jay and I had won the battle, with a positive test in hand we beat infertility. My prayers had been answered and God spared us a miracle that cannot be replaced. Everything I went through no longer mattered when I saw the heart flicker. Week by week I got to see our beautiful baby grow on the ultrasound screen. Little ears, a tiny nose, and hands, were all there clear as day. The baby’s heart was strong and everything looked great. I was graduated from the fertility clinic to our Perinatal And OB doctors. We were having a baby and not just any baby, but a super fancy science baby.

At 10 weeks 3 days a quick peak ultrasound at the perinatal clinic told me that my baby was no longer alive. The baby’s heart went from 182 beats per minute to utter silence. This is the part of pregnancy that I hate. We have no idea what is going on inside our bodies. We have no idea of knowing whether or not our babies are thriving or gone. I woke up that morning happily pregnant, talking to my baby, and planning the nursery furniture, only to have the rug ripped out from under me. And I am so fucking tired of having that rug ripped out from under me.

Part of me was cautious, yet once I saw the flicker I was all in. This was our baby, our turn, our rainbow and I was filled with joy. I thought since I had paid my dues by giving my first born and 2nd baby back to God, he would for sure let us keep this one. Because come on God isn’t cruel. Right now I can tell you I am angry and hurt. Three pieces of my heart rest in heaven and that isn’t fair. This life is not fair. I will never understand why some babies get to live while others are called home.

If my babies had a choice, they would choose life and I would choose them over and over again. The pain of loosing a baby never goes away, you just learn how to live with it. My third loss isn’t easy, it hurts and it’s not fair. Yet it is our loss, our journey to walk and our cross to bare. Jay and I are working through it and together we are mourning our snow pea’s leaving. Snow Pea did not have a choice in this, if she did I am confident she would have chose us, just as we chose her.

{Infertile Me} To Beautiful for Earth

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A week from today I was going to share our pregnancy news with everyone. I had plans of taking a photo of a onesie that said “my first baby sitter was an embryologist” surrounded by all of the needles used during IVF. This would have been a striking photo to prove to the world that against all odds, we persisted. That photo has yet to be taken, it’s just an idea that will never come to be.

At 10 weeks 3 days I learned that our baby no longer had a heart beat. Those words just like two times before cut me like a knife. This loss is much harder than my last two. We lovingly called this baby “snow pea.” Snow pea was a fighter our first beta was a low 9.4, then it went to 17.6, then 96, and finally 369. At 6 weeks Snow pea had a heart rate of 104 and was proof that miracles do happen. Snow pea fought so very hard to stay with us and we are grateful for the 10 weeks and 3 days that we had with our baby. That was 10 weeks and 3 days of us enjoying this pregnancy and talking to our little Snow Pea. Snow Pea was loved deeply and desperately wanted. We could not wait for September to arrive, as we wanted to meet Snow Pea and take our baby home.

We will not be brining Snow Pea home in September, instead we will be saying Goodbye. I prayed so very hard that this was the one who was meant for us to keep. It’s cruel, I went through hundreds of shots, dozens of scans, and a dilation surgery to end up with empty arms and a shattered heart. My heart she is broken. Jay’s heart is broken too. Our world is turned upside down as we are no longer planning for this little ones arrival, instead we are thinking about next steps as I cry into his chest repeating over and over “this isn’t fair!”

It’s not fair. I am angry, I am sad, and I am broken. I knew the risks going into this, we were so close to being out of the first trimester. I was breathing a little easier and sharing with my closest friends that Snow Pea was on board. Now I have to try and remember who I told so that I can break the news that Snow Pea was to beautiful for earth.

Right now we have no answers, those will trickle in during the weeks to come. Since this is my 3rd loss we are going to have genetic testing done to look for translocations and any other chromosomal abnormalities. Snow Pea will go through testing as well and we will get to find out if Snow Pea was a girl or a boy. Jay and I are leaning towards girl. If our hunch is right, she will be forever known as CoraLeigh Rae or if we are wrong Snow Pea will be named Emmet James.

I have to believe that Snow Pea is with her brothers in Heaven. That somehow some way Lucia was their waiting for her with Baby E at his side. That Snow Pea is whole and that she is no longer in pain. She was a fighter and whatever was wrong with her was to strong for her little body to fight. This morning we talked to her and told her it’s ok that she had to leave, that we understood and that we loved her beyond measure. That we will miss her and we will always always love her until our last breath.

{Infertile Me} “IVF Got This”

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A couple days ago I stood in front of the fridge looking for available magnets to pin up Christmas cards. I knew on the side four magnets held our “operation embryo” calendar. September is when we started this journey. It seems like a life time ago where we spent part of our mornings carefully mixing injections and trying to find the least bruised spot on my belly. Five times. For a week I was getting five different shots a day. Three in the morning and two at night. Every prick was in hope that my follicles were growing strong eggs that would turn into our embryos.

IVF is not for everyone. It’s overwhelming and there are to many variables to count. It’s stressful. It’s painful. It’s emotional and though the bruises will fade your body will never really be the same. Fear sits with hope as you struggle to come to terms with all available outcomes. I was afraid that I wouldn’t get any or many eggs. They don’t really tell you how many eggs you have while you are stiming. They just cheerfully say “everything looks good.” I told myself “if we get five eggs I will be happy.” Anything more than five would just be a blessing.

Fifteen follicles lead to eight mature eggs. Eight. We got eight, eight incredible and non-edible eggs. Seven of the eight fertilized and three of the seven made it to blast. We have three embryos waiting for us and my heart is full. The big three leads to a new set of fears. What if they don’t take? How many should we put back? Oh god what if we put two in and get four? These questions seep in at night and I am reminded to follow my heart. Because of my age and the fact I am only doing this once we are transferring two back to me.

Two. December wasn’t meant to be our month. My anatomy proved to challenging for a proper transfer so our embryos were lulled back into a frozen state. It should be noted that the doctor almost put the big two in the wrong place. Thank God the embryologist checked the catheter and saw that we had hitch hikers. Otherwise the big two wouldn’t have had a proper chance at taking hold and growing into our baby(ies). That part scared me and the clinic has reassured me over and over again the big two are frozen with their sibling, embryo #3. No one was lost, my embryos are safe and sound.

January. January is a month of what could have been. Baby E was due in January, a winter baby you were meant to be. But Baby E was never meant to be ours and we are left with a lifetime of wonder. As the snow softly falls and temperatures drop I will be prepping my body for the big two. The big two who will lead to our take home baby(ies).

If you would have asked me three years ago “AJ would you do IVF?” I would have most likely said no. I didn’t think I was strong enough to go through it nor did I think I truly deserved a real chance at motherhood. Some days survivor’s guilt gets the better of me. Both of my children were unplanned, yet they were very much wanted. Our road to parenthood compared to others is very short. Some women try for years and spend thousands of dollars trying for a baby with no luck. Those women are the true warriors for they never give up instead they search for the next thing that will increase their chances at motherhood.

IVF, its a game really. IVF is about stacking the deck and letting God take care of the rest. Our deck is stacked. I grow a beautiful lining, my hormone levels are on point and our embryos are both 5ABs, which translate to “science did everything it could and now it’s up to fate.” Fate and I have a love hate relationship. Without her I am nothing and with her I am everything. She has left me broken, yet she healed me within the same breath. I pray with all of my heart that Fate evens the score, that some how some way the universe will let us be parents to a take home baby(ies).

IVF got this! Faith, Science, and love will get me through the next phase. Our turn, our rainbow, our take home baby(ies) is just one embryo transfer away and Fate will lead us every step of the way.