Tag Archives: Baby E

{Mother’s Day} STILL A Mother, My Babies You Will Always Be 

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I walked past the shelves of neatly organized Mother’s Day cards and past banners  reminding me that it was on May 8th. Commercials on the radio quickly tell me I need to hurry in and by my Mother a gift, it seems mothers like strands of pearls not fancy brunch dates. Or so that is what the owner of a jewelry store thinks. I change the radio every time the ads come on and I look to the ground as I bust past the cards, for Mother’s Day is not for me. 

Mother’s Day brings on a slew of emotions and serves as a reminder that my babies are not will me. Last year on Mother’s Day a bright blue plus sign told me I was pregnant. Excitement was replaced with an unsettled fear and I tried to show joy, it was hard. I had been on this road before and my heart it did not want to get attached to the life that was inside. My heart she was right, the ultrasound revealed an empty sac, two sperm fertilized one egg they said. To many chromosomes and we said goodbye to Baby E on 7/7/15. 

As a Mother I have faith that some how Baby E found his/her big brother in heaven. That Lucia and Baby E are together causing trouble and watching over me. Lucia would be six this year and Baby E would have been almost four months old. My heart aches for my children, I got cheated out of my son and who Baby E was meant to be. 

Right now I would have a first grader on my hands, I wonder what he would look like, would he have my blue eyes and curly hair or would he have the Jewish features of his father? Mostly I  wonder what his voice and laughter would sound like. If he would come running to me yelling “mommy mommy mommy” with a bug in his hands all covered in dirt. Or if he would be the unadventurous type who quietly watched the world around him. One day I will see my son, faith tells me that I will and when I do his voice will be the sweetest sound my soul has ever heard.

Baby E would have been almost 4 months. I wonder if Baby E would have been a girl or a boy. Jay and I were secretly hoping for a girl, we really wanted a daughter, we would have gladly taken a boy too. I wonder if Baby E would have slept through the night or kept us awake, what his/her gummy smile would look like, and if they would have had a lot of hair or been a baldy. If they would have been a good eater or a finicky one. I wonder if he/she would have felt heavy in my arms and the softness of their body against my chest. One day I will see Baby E and hold him or her in my arms.

My babies you will always be. There are no cards for Mothers like me. We as a society do not like to talk about Mothers who have lost children. It’s like we are a dirty little secret and we are looked upon as inadequate. We are STILL mothers. We did not chose to loose our children, God, he made that choice for us. Maybe God knows it takes one hell of a woman to be the mother of an angel. My children died, plain and simple they are gone, and that fact does not take away my Motherhood card. My heart aches and it wonders, it looks on at you and thinks “one day that will be me, one day that WILL be me.” 

Rainbows are special, they elude us, but if you are lucky and you manage to catch one hold on to it tightly. For there are many women who would gladly chase that rainbow until it lays heavy in her arms. 

{Baby E} Un-Due Date

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We should be counting down the days, the days until you arrive. I should be injecting myself for the last time and giving myself a pep talk for the impending c-section. We should be excitedly expecting a CoraLeigh or Olivier. Jay and I should be double checking the woodland themed nursery, the car seat, hospital bags, making sure we have enough dinosaurs and welcoming family as they excitedly arrive. “Do we have enough diapers and wipes and blankets and clothes? Did we baby proof the house enough? Oh God! Did we prepare the cats and muppet like dog for the arrival of their human sibling?” Those are the things we should be asking.

Those things are not being asked and checked. Our dream lost its steam on July 7, 2015, Baby E was never meant to be ours. Only a sac developed, it stood empty on the screen, no fetal pole or yolk took up residence, it was the little sac that couldn’t. But our sac held answers, the Doctor says that two sperm fertilized one egg, and that a human only needs 46 chromosomes, not 69. Our baby was a perfect genetic accident, it was just never meant to be ours.

If you know me well, then you know I have a mad love for dinosaurs. This was to be Baby E’s going home outfit with a cardigan and pants of course.

Baby E was an easier pill to swallow, because I had a why behind the “I’m sorry.” With Lucia there was no why or how, he was just gone. His little light went out before it even got a chance to pierce the darkness, Baby E’s light never got a chance to start. My love for them pierces the heavenly skies and paints the colors of the sunrise. My babies they will always be.

I like to believe that Baby E found Lucia in heaven. That my babies are together, playing and waiting for their parents to arrive. That God has a soft spot for babies with to many chromosomes and that Lucia is breaking in his big brother shoes and watching over Baby E. Those two, thou small made a huge impact on this world. They are loved and cherished beyond measure. Lucia is my parent’s first grand child and Baby E is the forth. My parents are looking forward to a fifth, for they are eagerly waiting for us to catch a rainbow.

Baby E is Jay’s first, I have to believe that my third time and Jay’s second time will be the charm. That Jay and I will catch our rainbow and bring a baby home. I’ve picked up a few baby items here and there, I want to make it known to the universe that we would like a baby to put into the clothes and swaddle in the blankets. The stork can drop one off on our doorstep any day now, we are not picky, well even take a freckle face ginger child.

We have hope that one day we will have a viable pregnancy. Jay and I have picked out names for our future child. Our girl name is CoraLeigh Rae and our boy name Olivier James. I know what you are thinking ” knowing AJ, there has to be a story behind these names!?” There is and there are stories.

 

Ms. Cora M. Linderman 1897 – 1994

 
One day if God grants us the chance to have a daughter CoraLeigh Rae will be named after three people she will never meet. Cora is in honor of the oldest woman I ever knew. She died at 97, 3 years short of her goal to live to 100. Frankly Cora was the best friend a litter girl could ever ask for. Ms. Cora Linderman was a Swedish immigrant, she was the first telephone operator to give instructions for CPR over the phone, she taught me how to play dominos and spent hours entertaining me with her stories, she was mine and I was simply hers. Leigh, is in honor of my Dad’s sister Cherrie Leigh, a woman with a large heart who died to young. An finally her middle name Rae comes from a wild attorney named Charlie Rae, a man whose dream ended far to soon. I want my future daughter to be named after strong individuals because her name will carry their legacy.

I’ve carried a boy and his name is Alucious Gregory, we simply call him Lucia. That name is unique and it is perfectly his. This time I went with an older name, one with strength and meaning. My family started in France, voyagers who crossed the sea, so Olivier was the perfect fit and spelling. Yes I went with the French spelling of the name Oliver. Plus ya know I have a deep dark secret desire of yelling “Olly Olly Oxen Free” at my future son. We’ll call him Olly for short. James comes from my father it is his middle name. It made sense because Lucia’s middle name is my dad’s first name, so if it isn’t broke just continue the tradition on.

My three children togther. The Blue star is for Lucia and the Purple is for Baby E

Jay and I make a point to talk about “when we have a baby,” it helps ease the pain and gives us something to look forward to. I have to believe that God isn’t cruel and that he would not deny me motherhood. I have faith that our rainbow is just on the horizon. One day I will have a due date. One day nine months of blood thinner injection, scans, and constant doctor visits will be worth it. One day I will have a c-section and we will cross the finish line with a baby in our arms as Lucia and Baby E watch over us from heaven.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvhrPMJe8LE

{I Am A Mother} To An Angel is NOT supportive of all Moms

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  After we lost baby E, I was searching for a connection with other angel mommies and a friend suggested I follow the “I am a mother to an Angel” Facebook page. I took up her suggestion and hit like, I also joined the private group “Awaiting Rainbows: TTC after a loss.” The  ladies in this group were lovely and it let me know I wasn’t the only one struggling to catch a rainbow. 

Five years ago I was treading the waters of grief on my own, none of my friends had lost babies before and no one understood my journey. You never get over the death of a child, you just learn how to live with it. My heart has a hole and his name is Lucia, it became bigger on the day Baby E joined him in heaven. Never in a million years did I think I would have two children in heaven, their deaths were decided the moment I was born, it was written in the cards and fate she is the only one who knows what my hand holds. I no longer question their departure and I will play my hand until the last card is on the table. Each day I face the sun with gratitude and a peaceful heart. 

So many young women are just starting out on the road called grief. Many question and shout why me, why my baby. Those women need to be told that it will be ok and sometimes we don’t have an answer. They need to hear it from a mother who has walked this path before, they need to know she survived, and mostly that she caught her rainbow. In the Awaiting Rainbows group I was an old sage, offering internet hugs and  quietly typing “it’s ok, you never get over the death of a child, you just learn how to live with it” into the comments of their posts. We got excited when someone announced they were pregnant and answered each others questions on TTC. 

Every now and then you’d see a member disappear, “she got banned” someone said. The group Admins watch the page like a hawk and without warning if they do not like your tone or your posts or your comments you are out of there. The creator of “I am a mother to an Angel” claims that all of her groups are inclusive and supportive of its members. If this were true then Admins would not be banning members for their tone, comments or for merely reporting a member for being repetitive and offensive. 

If you ask me the ladies of “Awaiting Rainbows/I am a mother” are selective, she is creating the type of group she wants, one where everything is sparkles and sunshine, and not the group women need. Grief is not perfect. Not all trying to conceive journies are perfect or end up with a live birth. Life is messy, grief is messy, and sometimes trying to catch a rainbow is messy too. 

One day you will realize that the women you banned are the women who needed your support the most and you turned your back on them.  

If you are in need of support please visit:

Hannah’s Heart and Love
Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support
Grieve Out Loud
Missing Grace Foundation

{Lucia & Baby E} My Babies You Will Always Be

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  “For as long as I am breathing, my babies you will always be”

In story books, everything is perfect. Girl meets her prince, her prince knocks her up, and nine months later the family of two becomes three. The writers make pregnancy out to be magical and easy. On the pages, every woman gets pregnant, every marriage is a happy one, and every child gets a happy ever after.

I am jealous. Jealous of fertile Myrtle who lives down the lane. For she gets pregnant with ease and carries her babies to term without worry. Blood clots, stroke, and irregular heart beats never cross Myrtle’s mind. She does not have to wonder “should I take my shot at 2pm or wait until I get home?” Myrtle  never has to look up at a screen and hear the words “I am so sorry” as they squeeze her shoulder. Myrtle doesn’t know the heart ache of seeing a lifeless baby on the screen. She does not know what it’s like to have a doctor say “maybe it’s to early, maybe next week we will see a big healthy yolk and a fetal pole!” Myrtle does not have to drive home fighting back tears as she looks in the rear view mirror wondering “why me, why my baby.” 

I desperately want to be Myrtle. I want to be able to not just carry, but to hold my own flesh and blood. To look my living child in the eyes and to watch them grow. After Lucia I had lost all hope, countless times I was told “no more babies.” That pregnancy wasn’t safe for me and that my uterus was to beaten to function. I made peace with my fate, that my only child is in heaven. Lucia will always be my first and I will love him until my last day on earth. My baby he will always be. 

Maybe I just needed time to heal and recover……… On Mother’s Day I looked down at a bright blue plus sign. The impossible, happened. I was terrified and thrilled that my rainbow was on board. I did my best not to get attached. Jay was over the moon and he wanted to be apart of every appointment. We started picking names, planning the nursery, and talking about our future. The excitement was short lived, this rainbow was not meant to be ours. 

This baby wasn’t meant for us. At our first ultrasound an empty sac is all they saw. It measured correctly 6weeks 6 days, but no sign of life was inside. The sac it grew bigger, yet nothing took up residence. No yolk, no fetal pole. I looked up at the sky and I knew that this wasn’t meant to be. Jay said “babes it’s just wasn’t  CoraLeigh.” He secretly wanted a girl and fell in love with the name CoraLeigh. 

My body is a dick and it didn’t want to let go of the pregnancy. I didn’t want a D&C, I held out until it was evident that I wouldn’t misscarry on my own. A plan was made, ultrasound and antibiotics were on deck and on July 7, I went under. Surgery went well, the hysteroscope showed that my uterus was healthy and not bruised. The doctor said “she can and will be able to carry babies.” I can have babies too. Those are the only words I needed to hear. 

Baby E, was more than an empty sac. The pathology exam found that it was a partial molar pregnancy, meaning two sperm fertilized one egg and abnormal cells took over. Jay and I didn’t fail, our little baby just had to many chromosomes, it was a genetic accident, this little one wasn’t meant to be.

I am 2 and 0. God holds my babies. I have my days where I wonder what Lucia would be like today. He would be 5 and in kindergarten. I wonder if he would have my curly hair, or his dad’s eyes, and if his smile could light up a room. If he would be a wall flower or daring like his mom. Lucia was here for a brief moment yet he left foot prints on my heart. My baby he will always be. 

If Baby E had the correct number of chromosomes I would be 6 months pregnant today. We would know if we were expecting CoraLeigh or Oliver. We secretly wanted a girl, but we’ll take anything we can get. Jay and I would be putting the finishing touches on the nursery and picking out the perfect car seat. I would be knee deep in appointments, ultrasounds, and Lovenox injections. I want those things, I desperately want those things. 

Losing a child, makes you want children even more. I want to prove to the world that I am capable of carrying a baby to term and that I am worthy of being  a mom. Jay and I have so much love to give, we are patient and kind, good parents we will surely be. I have faith that my third time and Jay’s second time will be the charm. 

One out of four women will experience pregnancy loss. I never thought I would be the one twice. Never did I think I would be 2 and 0. Babies seem to elude me, yet I have faith that my turn is right around the corner.