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My big girl pants are on tight……….

This past Sunday my life changed forever. It changed so quickly and was a complete surprise to those outside of my close circle. I decided to leave my husband, I was no longer happy in my marriage, it was time to cash in my chips.
I am a lady and a lady always knows when to leave. There was nothing left to work on, I had nothing left to give, I was empty and broken down. In October he had done somethings I didn’t think I could forgive and I had finally found the strength to move on.

So I started to put those big girl pants on, yet fate would prove that we weren’t done yet. , life threw me a curve ball, I ended up sicker than we thought, I almost died. One would think that seeing your wife in a terrible life and death situation would change you. But it did’t, a whole three weeks went by until he was back on crags list looking for someone to fuck. In December he decided that we should try for a baby.
I asked him are you going to stop fucking other women? No he said, I can get you pregnant and still sleep with other women. Just tell me when you are ovulating and I’ll make sure to be with just you then. What the fuck I thought, we tried and tried with no luck, I was frustrated and sad, he blamed me for not getting pregnant. Told me I wasn’t doing everything I could to make it happen. Hello, you can’t rush nature.
So low and behold one day in April we found out we were pregnant. I was excited and sad, my body wanted to leave, but my heart wanted me to give it one last shot for the sake of our child. My pregnancy wasn’t easy by any means. An during this time Scott started in on his favorite subject…………..MY WEIGHT………..yup he was afraid that I was going to get huge during my pregnancy and that I wouldn’t loose the weight and become whale. I am not skinny by any means, I am a curvy girl. Yes, I started to show right away, not to mention my stomach was swelling from the blood thinners I was injecting into it.
The Friday before mothers day Scott was nit picking about how I looked, that I needed to go to the gym, eat less and so on. In his mind I only needed to gain about 10 lbs during my pregnancy. I asked him to leave me alone, he didn’t, told me that I never wanted to talk about my weight. Again I told him leave me alone, I am tired, let’s talk a about this later. He still would give it up, and he poked and poked until I said the only thing I will ever regret in life……..
I turned looked at him and said “I wish to God that I wasn’t pregnant right now! Because if I wasn’t I’d be going to the gym loosing weight, eating less, and getting skinny for you. An you would be happy!”
Little did we know that four days later that very statement would come true. I pray to god that if I could I would take that statement back, there in was alone in a room looking at my babies lifeless little body on a screen, my mind drifted back to Friday, I just prayed with all my might that a flicker would show. It didn’t, an I blamed myself for the loss of my child. What kind of mother would wish that upon their child? I was a terrible mom, wife and person for saying that.
Scott was in Las Vegas when I found out our baby died, he refused to fly home, to selfish and hurt to face the truth. But I wanted to escape, to avoid, to make a b line, but I couldn’t because I was the one carrying our child. He never really understood what I went through, he came home when it was all said and done. He expected me to bounce back, to stick our child in the past and move on. I did the best that I could, tried to think of our future and the road that lay ahead. He told me we would take a break from women, again that break last less than a month, an he was back at it again. He never really understood how broken and hurt I was.
We were never meant to be, I didn’t want to bring another child in to this mess. I was tired of not being good enough for him. Tired of not being the only woman for him, tired of my needs, wants and dreams getting shoved to the bottom of the pile. I had lost me, I’d look in the mirror and would see a giant ugly whale looking back at me. I had enough, need an escape, a break, a life of my own. So that is what I did.
I put my big girl pants on and walked away from a no win situation, from man that was never going to change, who I had nothing in common with. Scott and I were like day and night, to ships passing in the night. Oil and water don’t mix, so I took water out and left.
I am happy and glad that I did, I finally did something for myself, it hurts, but I know the pain will fade and I will become a stronger woman because of it.

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About NinjaInTheCity

AmandaJean is a thriving pulmonary embolism & stroke survivor, passionate Paralegal, Advocate, and Blogger who believes she can change the world one person at a time. She is obsessed with the Law, beauty subscription boxes, collecting costume jewelry, visiting flea markets, Ruby Red Squirt and Candy Corn. World Traveler. Serial Volunteer. Lover of Frank Lloyd Wright, Heart Healthy Living, and good wine. Mama to a Muppet like dog. Aunt to @HalfPintNinja

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