Monthly Archives: December 2017

{Infertile Me} “IVF Got This”

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A couple days ago I stood in front of the fridge looking for available magnets to pin up Christmas cards. I knew on the side four magnets held our “operation embryo” calendar. September is when we started this journey. It seems like a life time ago where we spent part of our mornings carefully mixing injections and trying to find the least bruised spot on my belly. Five times. For a week I was getting five different shots a day. Three in the morning and two at night. Every prick was in hope that my follicles were growing strong eggs that would turn into our embryos.

IVF is not for everyone. It’s overwhelming and there are to many variables to count. It’s stressful. It’s painful. It’s emotional and though the bruises will fade your body will never really be the same. Fear sits with hope as you struggle to come to terms with all available outcomes. I was afraid that I wouldn’t get any or many eggs. They don’t really tell you how many eggs you have while you are stiming. They just cheerfully say “everything looks good.” I told myself “if we get five eggs I will be happy.” Anything more than five would just be a blessing.

Fifteen follicles lead to eight mature eggs. Eight. We got eight, eight incredible and non-edible eggs. Seven of the eight fertilized and three of the seven made it to blast. We have three embryos waiting for us and my heart is full. The big three leads to a new set of fears. What if they don’t take? How many should we put back? Oh god what if we put two in and get four? These questions seep in at night and I am reminded to follow my heart. Because of my age and the fact I am only doing this once we are transferring two back to me.

Two. December wasn’t meant to be our month. My anatomy proved to challenging for a proper transfer so our embryos were lulled back into a frozen state. It should be noted that the doctor almost put the big two in the wrong place. Thank God the embryologist checked the catheter and saw that we had hitch hikers. Otherwise the big two wouldn’t have had a proper chance at taking hold and growing into our baby(ies). That part scared me and the clinic has reassured me over and over again the big two are frozen with their sibling, embryo #3. No one was lost, my embryos are safe and sound.

January. January is a month of what could have been. Baby E was due in January, a winter baby you were meant to be. But Baby E was never meant to be ours and we are left with a lifetime of wonder. As the snow softly falls and temperatures drop I will be prepping my body for the big two. The big two who will lead to our take home baby(ies).

If you would have asked me three years ago “AJ would you do IVF?” I would have most likely said no. I didn’t think I was strong enough to go through it nor did I think I truly deserved a real chance at motherhood. Some days survivor’s guilt gets the better of me. Both of my children were unplanned, yet they were very much wanted. Our road to parenthood compared to others is very short. Some women try for years and spend thousands of dollars trying for a baby with no luck. Those women are the true warriors for they never give up instead they search for the next thing that will increase their chances at motherhood.

IVF, its a game really. IVF is about stacking the deck and letting God take care of the rest. Our deck is stacked. I grow a beautiful lining, my hormone levels are on point and our embryos are both 5ABs, which translate to “science did everything it could and now it’s up to fate.” Fate and I have a love hate relationship. Without her I am nothing and with her I am everything. She has left me broken, yet she healed me within the same breath. I pray with all of my heart that Fate evens the score, that some how some way the universe will let us be parents to a take home baby(ies).

IVF got this! Faith, Science, and love will get me through the next phase. Our turn, our rainbow, our take home baby(ies) is just one embryo transfer away and Fate will lead us every step of the way.

{Lucia & Baby E} Christmas #7 without you

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This time of year makes me both happy and sad. Happy because I get to spend time with family and friends. Plus hello I love Christmas lights and all things to do with Christmas including Movies and cookies. Now that I have a niece and nephew Christmas is even more fun because I get to experience it through the eyes of children.

Jack is two and he is adorable. He tells me “Auntie I miss you so much” and holds on tight and then asks for another Christmas cookie. On Thanks giving day I took him shopping for Christmas gifts. I watched him as we carefully walked through Walmart looking for the perfect gift for mama and nana. He thought both of them would like Thomas the train because well he is obsessed with Thomas. We settled on something that wasn’t train related and he very happily dropped them into the cart. In that moment he was having fun and didn’t realize that I was teaching him the lesson of giving. It’s better to give than receive.

Sophia is five. She lets me know she is actually 5 and 3/4 as her birthday is in January. She artfully and patiently decorated Christmas cookies while we tell her not to lick them or her hands. Because no one wants to eat grubby cookies. She twirls in the kitchen while reading off her Christmas list. Which by the way is very short. Making sure that Auntie knows what emojis are. These are moments we’ll never get back and I will cherish them for a a million years plus one day.

In these moments my heart yearns for Lucia and Baby E. Lucia would be 7 and Baby E would be almost two this year. Both of them would have eyes filled with wonder and hearts filled with love as they anticipated Santa’s arrival. I can’t help but wonder what Lucia would have on his Christmas list. Would it be filled out with requests for Ninja turtles, dinosaurs, trucks or trains? Or maybe he’d be like his dad and ask for Star Wars, video games, and Superman. Only God knows what’s on Lucia’s list and his earthly mother will always wonder what he would like. Baby E would be easy, I’d just load him or her up with fisher price little people toys, a trike or even a ride on dinosaur. Baby E’s likes and dislikes are only known to God and that is alright with me.

Lucia has been gone for seven years, will 7.5 years to be exact. Seven years does not heal the heart, it just grows to make more room for love. Baby E was never meant to be ours, our little one has been gone for 2.5 years and he/she is proof that a woman can walk this earth with a twice broken heart. I miss my children every single day and especially at Christmas. Yet I am comforted by the fact that they get to spend each Christmas with each other and our Heavenly Father. I have to believe that Christmas in heaven is incredible for children.

Because God needed my children more than I did I will never get to decorate the tree with them. A stocking with their name on it will never grace our mantel. I will never get to load them in the car to go look at Christmas lights on the way to visit the mall Santa. But mostly I will never get to wrap a present for Lucia or Baby E. My children have given me a gift that cannot be wrapped. They taught me the meaning of love, strength and faith. It takes a lot to walk this earth with two piece of your heart in heaven. I am still a mother and my babies they will always be.

Sophia and Jack are too little to know that Auntie has babies in heaven. They just know that I am Auntie and that Auntie loves them without question. Christmas is magical. I like to believe that on Christmas Eve the veil is lifted and our babies and loved ones get to spend it with us. So leave an empty seat at your table, a special ornament on the tree and mostly talk about your loved ones as they will always be apart of your lives. Your loved ones they will always be.

To my fellow STILL and pregnancy loss mamas: “I see you. You are loved. You are strong and you my dear are fucking brave. You’ve got this. Your baby(s) matter and as long as you say their name they will never truly be gone.”

{Infertile Me} Almost Home

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I was this (AJ shows you her fingers almost touching) close to motherhood on Monday. Like so close I could imagine meeting my take home baby in 40 weeks close. Monday wasn’t meant to be our day. Don’t worry our little embryos are nestled back into the freezer and we will see them again soon. Just getting them back to me was harder than the Doctor thought.

You see when AJ was made a joke was played on her, she has a very complicated anatomy. I will spare you the details. Coupled with a botched D&C that left her cervix looking like a war zone filled with scar tissue, false passages, and hope. Those two things make it impossible, like they tried for an hour to get through said cervix impossible. Again I am going to spare you the details, just know it was pretty darn painful and stressful.

So where do we go from here? To surgery of course. Surgery to hopefully open said pain in the ass cervix and for the doctor to literally draw themselves a map so they know how to get in. Is it a guarantee? Nope, nope it’s not. But right no it’s all we’ve got. If it cannot be surgically opened and mapped our last resort is a gestational carrier, in which we don’t have Kardashian money so that is out of the question. The doctors are hopeful that they will be able to get into the cervix.

Now I know you are wondering “WTF AJ why didn’t they figure this shit out before hand?!” Like I get you and yes that was my question too. Truth is they ignored me because a lot of women say “I have complicated anatomy” and “10 times out of 10 we get in. You are actually my first.” And mistakes were made too. Communications fell on deaf ears and the nurses didn’t follow through nor did the doctor follow up. I’m sure if they could go back they would do it differently. But we can’t do that, we can only go forward with what we know now.

A plan is in place and they are going to do everything in their power to ensure that our embryos are transferred back to me. Am I angry? Yes of course I am, but I cannot let the anger take over. Am I stressed? Yes, yes I am, but once we get going on the plan it will fade. Has my PTSD bubbled to the surface? Why yes, yes it has and thankfully with the help of my therapist we will get through it. Dealing with medical trauma is no joke. I am going forward with an open mind and hope in my heart. Our turn may be delayed but it is still on the horizon and for that I am grateful.

{Infertile Me} Operation Transfer Take Home Baby

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The moment I have been prepping for is nearly here. All of the injections, blood draws, scans, pills and whatever else I have been through have lead me to this moment. To this very moment motherhood is only one embryo transfer away. It’s strange to think about. I walk in not pregnant and will walk out a few hours later pregnant until proven otherwise.

The pregnancy part scares me. The unknowns terrify me. I wish we could install a window in our bellies so we could see what they are up to. Ultrasounds give us a peek, but sometimes that peek is to much to bare. I’ve heard the words “there is no heart beat and followed five years later by “there is no yolk or fetal pole.” The ultrasound brought those words into my reality, they showed me that my children were no longer living. In those moments of grief I found hope. My heart she may be broken, but she is hopeful for a baby in her arms.

That hope and unwavering spirit brought me to IVF. IVF is not for the faint of heart, it is a battle from the start and you must keep going until you have nothing left to give. My stomach though bloated (leggings are my best friend right now), is a war zone full of bruised injection sites and estrogen patches. There is no guarantee that I will win this battle, that I will get to bring a baby home, but deep down I know that I gave it my all.

Sometime this month two beautiful little embryos will be transferred back to me with Jay at my side. The decision to do two wasn’t easy but based on my age, it is our best course. I pray with all of my heart that this will work, that some how some way God will settle the score and let me keep one or two of my own. He already has two pieces of me in heaven and my heart will always be broken, yet she has room for more. For more babies, more love, more hope, and mostly more strength.

Strength and faith are the only two things that have kept me going on this journey. Many times I wanted to fold, yet I dug deep and carried on. Losing two babies is more than one soul can handle, my heart goes out to the ladies who have more losses than I do. Those ladies, are the hero’s of this world as they are walking around with a tattered heart. My heart she may be broken, but she is ready. My turn has come, our rainbow is near, and soon I too will get to take a baby home.

{Road Tripping} November Adventures

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We are blessed in Minnesota. Out west are the prairies, to the south the Mississippi River valley, to the east well its pretty much wisconsin, but the real magic is up north. Lake Superior is magic and in the winter the north shore truly shines with frozen water falls and snow covered pines.

Lake Superior is a canvas that changes with the seasons. Winter brings a whole different level of wanderlust. Superior calls you and brings you to her ever changing shore. As you walk you notice frozen waterfalls high above the tunnel cliffs and take in where water meets the sky.

Gooseberry takes on a whole new life in the winter and she is beautiful. Her summer roar is silenced by the ice, yet she is strong and she still flows. Winter is my favorite time of year to see the falls, the crowds are long gone and it is quiet. So quiet that you can hear the pines rustle in the wind and if you listen close enough you can hear the cracking of the ice.

Christmas lights light up the Duluth harbor as the chilly wind reaches around your back to remind you that, yes it is still winter. Bentlyville is Minnesota’s answer to the Christmas light fight, it’s beautiful, magical, and simply I cannot begin to describe in words how amazing it is. All of the lights are timed to music while eager children line up to chat with Santa.

Even though it is cold, winter is a great time to visit Duluth and take in the attractions. Groupon lead us to the Lake Superior Zoo. If you are not familiar with the Zoo you should definitely go! The zoo is still recovering from the 2012 flash floods that took every one by surprise, including the seal who was swimming down grand avenue. In the Zoo you will of course find animals and an unexpected water fall. The very falls that flooded and caused the damage to the Zoo.

As you know Christmas lights instantly turn me into a giddy 8 year old. When a friend of mine posted about the lights in Mankato I knew I had to go! Mankato is an hour drive for us and Jay was up for the adventure. Along the way we notice this huge building outline in lights….. it was Minnesota’s Largest Candy store!! I have heard about this mystical place but had never been and Jay well he knows me all to well and pulled right on in.

Like words cannot describe this place! It is fucking amazing!!! They have practically every candy your little heart could imagine and then some. From glass bottle sodas to pies, to gummy turkey legs, and OMG the world’s greatest chips! Yes I said worlds greatest chips! Zapp’s to be exact! Are fucking hands down the only chips you will ever need in your life. It’s been established that I cannot eat anything of the chocolate variety, nut rolls get me excited! Homemade nut rolls to be exact and of course I bought two. One peanut and one pecan because hello options! In addition to that I walked out with a couple pieces of divinity and I was instantly 5 again standing in my grandma’s living room. She made it every holiday and I have long for it since her passing. Anyways this place! You guys is amazing!! You must go!!

Now back to the lights because hello the lights were my original reason for the trip. Sibley Park is beautifully lit and best of all they give you options. You can A. Get out of your car and walk or B. You can drive through the lights. We chose to do both. The lights like in Duluth are timed to music which for some reason makes it more fun. I liked the lights in Mankato a lot better than Bentleyville. Why you ask? Because there wasn’t a huge crowed and we didn’t feel rushed, plus they were simply beautiful. Not to mention the park is home to some real life reindeer which I am certain will take flight on Christmas Eve.

Two tiny tyrants rounded out our November adventure. Because hello what’s more fun than going to Auntie’s house to decorate cookies, play Operation, and Watch Christmas movies. It’s an excellent time with little to no rules and if you want to eat the sprinkles go on ahead, we’ll get you a bowl!

Just for fun, let’s throw in a few photos of the light rail derailment that happened right outside my office. It truly made the last day of November interesting. I stood in the skyway FaceTiming Jack so he could see the broken train as he asked “Auntie they fixing it” in his sweet little voice. The train was righted at around 7:30 and by morning light rail trains were chugging down the tracks. It’s all fixed now, in which I again had to FaceTime Jack to show him that, yes the trains are fixed.

I hope all of you have a fabulous November filled with adventure, love, and more laughter than one soul could ever handle.