Category Archives: adventure

Table For One

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Tonight while having dinner alone at The News Room I over heard a woman say to her husband “Oh that poor thing her date must have stood her up.” It took everything I had in me not to go over and whisper in her ear “I am eating alone on purpose.” I decided to play nice and went about my typing and current google chat. This is my normal dinner alone or actually doing most things on my own. My muppet like dog can’t go everywhere with me, thus I dine alone.

As I gazed across the restaurant I quickly noticed that I was the only one sitting alone. Tucked back into my usual corner. The staff they know me and my drink of choice by name. They call this corner AJ’s usual spot and act alarmed when it’s not available. Maybe one day I will share my little tucked away corner with someone. Today, I am fine with just myself and netbook. From here I watch first dates unravel, fights happen, and look at couples whose flame long ago extinguished. In truth I feel for each one of them. I know what its like to have the first date gitters, feeling the calm in a familiar smile, and looking into someone’s eyes and thinking “where did I go wrong?”

Those are all feelings in a relationship. In most the gitters melt into a familiar calm and from that calm a relationship blossoms. Blossoms are something I am short of these days. It seems that Google has done me in and turned most of the potential away. I often forget that when I am googled my twitter, Facebook, and this very blog appears. Have Bear Will Travel has become a weeder of sorts. Weeding out the ones who are too afraid to dance and keeping the hope alive in the ones who dare to look beyond the blog.

For the ones who dare to look beyond the blog realize that I am online as I am in real life. I hide nothing and am to honest for my own good. This is probably why I end up being friends with the men I date. In me they find comfort knowing ‘hey she’s been through a lot of shit and came out standing.” I am reminded that I cannot revel in the sun unless I walk through the crap. They go hand in hand.

Hand in hand is where I’d like to find myself one day. One can’t be a ninja without a trusty sidekick. Gumby had Pokie, Batman with Robin, and well the Ninja Turtles had each other. I’m not asking for a 10, a 9 or 8 will do just fine. Life isn’t about looks or what you have. It’s about living with passion and letting your heart burst wide open. It’s ok to feel nervous and to be hurt. These feelings of hurt and nerves remind us that we are human. They allow us to live without question and to feel for others. When you can relate to someone and understand their pain, then you my friend have truly lived.

These are the things I contemplate when I dine alone. Of what would I do when Mr Perfect is sitting across from me. Would he put up with my busy paralegal day job and crazy lobbyist night job. Would he have the same passion towards sustainable agriculture, the law, NINJAS, and the charities I advocate for. Would he lay with me on the floor of Trinity temple and bask in Frank Lloyd Wrights wonderous creation? Would he skip through the streets of Paris and marvel at the relics of egypt with me? Questions, I wonders, and what ifs swirl in my head as I take a sip of my wine. The only way I know of solving my quandaries is by chucking myself out there and looking for my 9 or 8, because well a 10 simply won’t do. 10’s are too full of themselves. I am not for the 10s, so bring on the 9s and 8s.

Mainly I just need a 9 or an 8 who understands that even thou I have gone through some tough shit it does not define my future. True I am a pulmonary embolism survivor and a young divorcee. For some reason DIVORCE is a turn off to men. I always say if you really knew about my marriage, you’d understand why I walked away. Just because I am a divorcee does not mean I am undatable. Hell I forget I have an ex husband half the time and even I find it weird uttering the worlds “Yea I am divorced.” Divorce happens we move on from it and get even on Tuesdays.

I am normal. Bags yea I’ve got a few and yup I am a ninja to my core. So maybe the next time you see a young woman sitting alone don’t assume she was stood up. Assume that she is dining alone by choice and writing an article that will change the world. Maybe one day she will have someone who understands her entire being sitting across from her and she will smile. For now she smiles as her friends and giggles out loud at her google chat dreaming of the what ifs. I like options and what ifs, they give me hope.

School Supplies ~ Encouraging Native Youth to Seek College

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When I graduated from UW-Superior I was presented with an Eagle Feather. Being presented with an Eagle Feather is the highest honor a Native American can receive. The father means more to me than the paper my degree is printed on.

It’s that time of year where stores line their shelves with school supplies, back packs, and dorm room decorating supplies. For me, it’s a sign that fall is fast approaching and I need to get my motivating butt in gear. Each fall I get to meet a new group of seniors/juniors and scare them into going to college. I scare them straight, scare them smart, but mostly I use my love to scare them into discovering apart of themselves.

Native Americans are still the most unrepresented racial group in higher education. Sadly the state of the reservation educational systems are far worse and have yet to slowly get better. Is it that we forgot that these are kids too or were we to quick to assimilate them into main stream off reservations schools. The state of reservation schools are slowly getting better as more tribes realize that the investment in education is a good one. More and more native based learning programs are being developed. Language, arts, and culture are taught right along side, math, reading, and science.

Yet with all of this change and the strong movement of the NIEA we are still not seeing the rise of Native students in higher education. This is where people like myself come in. Many of these students are the first in their families to set foot into the hallowed halls of a University. They come from less than nothing and are afraid that if they leave and don’t achieve everyone will see them as a failure.

I often tell my students that the only failure is the failure to not even dream of a college education. If they never dare to dream, they will never leave the boundaries that hold them in. Boundaries are meant to be crossed and once you cross you can always look back at what you once were. Some of the kids just need someone to whisper you can do it into their ear. Others need us to hold their hands through out the whole application process and be waiting quietly in the wings on campus visitation day. Either way we do whatever it takes to get these kids, accepted, moved in, and stand by them until their degree is in hand.

It takes alot of hands to motivate Native kids, long hours, tears, and strength to show them that they are worth it. Once they know they are worth it, their dreams soar, and they become more than they ever thought possible. Tears are what I cry when they call me and say “OMG AmanadaJean I got accepted to college! Thank you Thank you, for believing in me. Because of you I am going to make something of myself and come back and make my reservation a better place.” Those moments are the moments I live for. To see the sparkle in their eye as they hold that dorm room key in their hand. I look forward to their emails detailing of classes, new friends, and ninja antics.

Reservations are changing as their populations become educated. Tribes that once depended on the outside world to help them run their Casinos, hotels, and other businesses are now depending on their own. Slowly the reservation boarders are closing and the outside higher rate is shrinking. They are depending on the new generation of educated youth to take over the businesses and run the reservations. This very shift is giving me hope that once again these sovern nations can operate independently from the outside world.

The outside world will always creep into the reservation. Students are faced with the stereotypes society placed upon them. If people looked beyond the images of HollyWood they would see the changes that have occurred. Yes, alcoholism, crime, and drug use run rapid on the reservations. People see the Casinos pop up and utter “Hell they have money what are they complaining for?” Not all tribes have successful Casinos, some are small and lie just beyond the paved roads where no one ever goes. I tell my students that they are the ones who will bust through the old image and create a new stereotype. They tell me “It’s easy for you AmandaJean, you half white.” True, I say to them. But just like you I’ve had to fight my way to the top. I never let my race stand in the way and I never let anyone put me down. I expect you to do the same, because you have the power to educate the public and to represent Indian people every day of your life. You are the ones who will change the American way of thought and you will bust the glass ceiling that was set.

Each fall we add a few more cracks to that glass ceiling when a student signs up for the ACTs and puts their name on a college application. Holes are punched through it when a student gets their degree. If we keep up at our current rate I hope to smash through it during my life time. I am patiently counting down the days until the first day of school. A day where I get to make my presence known and scare a new group of kids into go to college.

Question: “Why Do You Blog?”

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“In this world we are only as good as our word. We must speak the truth and be who we are. If we are anything less than ourselves, anything less than true, then our words will mean nothing in the end.” ~AmandaJean

Some days I feel like I lead a double life. By day I am a passionate paralegal and by night I am simply a blogger. My blog has often been my out let to explore and share myself with the world. People often ask how can you put your health information out there, how can you share so much with people you don’t know? Its getting to the point where people are recognizing me at Target, the sky way, and other places around town. Recognition is welcome, just don’t sneak up on me and scare the crap out of me. I don’t like to be scared.

To answer the question “How can you share such personal information?” The answer is this: When I was first told I had a pulmonary embolism I scoured the internet looking for information and all I could find was info relating to the elderly. I’m not a member of AARP, I was a 27-year-old woman in search of answers. At that moment the mission of my blog changed. I realized that I could educate and promote blood clot awareness. That my struggle would be a key to someone elses survival. Once I made that post about my pulmonary embolism there was no looking back. The same goes for my miscarriage, divorce, and cancer. This……this is my life. By sharing it with you we can find common ground. Ground that we can stand on and learn together what it means to be happy, to be a survivor, and to find ourselves again.

One thing you will not find on my blog are details about my personal life, the name of the company I work for, and details of my pending litigation against a pharmaceutical company. Those are private. After all I have to keep something for myself. Truth be told, I am as single as a $1.00 bill, so I have no relationship to write about. Friends that appear in posts have given me permission to share our adventures, struggles, dreams, and blunders. I am not compensated in any way for my Local Thursday Posts and all opinions of the local companies are my own. I love to share my favorite spots in the Twin Cities and around the midwest with you. A lot of these people built their businesses from the ground up and I want to share their passion. Life is often best enjoyed with friends, traveled with strangers, and dreamed with dreamers.

Dreams are something that no one can ever take from us. This blog has led me to a lot of great places and brought a lot of awesome people in my life. I am thankful for it, yet there are days I want to turn it off. Turn it off so the world around me can be quiet. Then I am reminded that if I turned it off it would be like losing a limb. Have Bear Will travel has become a part of me. You can bet your buttons that I will be blogging when I am 80. Maybe I’ll blog about, flying cars, real life avatars, and my grand children’s hover boards. Hey, it could happen.

I have so much love for all of my readers and followers. You are what inspires me to blog. Knowing that we are growing together and changing the world one day at a time amazes me. After all “Everyone was Kung Fu Fighting, Their Fist were as fast as lightning.”

Captain’s Walk Winery ~Green Bay WI

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The folks at Captain’s Walk Winery claim that they take the snobbery out of wine tasting. It’s true they do. As soon as you walk in the door you are greeted with a warm hello and a smile. You are quickly whisked into the tasting room, they explain the history of the winery and go over a list of current wines that are in stock.

Captain’s Walk offers tasting daily of up to seven 1-ounce samples per person for a charge of $3.00. You are allowed to select your wines from what they currently have in stock. If you don’t know where to start just ask the friendly staff and they will happily guide you along.

The winery is located in a pre-civil war era home that has been updated and restored to reflect the beauty of the period. In the tasting room you will notice that there is a window in the floor. Below you will see the barrel room where some of the wines are aged.

I have fallen in love with the wines at Captains walk. So much so that I put in an order every couple of months and have a case shipped to Minneapolis. I have to giggle when the UPS man cards me, but hey its worth it. Their wines range from classic table to the full-bodied. My favorites are the Disappearing Treasure, Captain’s Mistress, 7Seas, Riesling, and The Maiden Voyage. The Maiden Voyage comes in a bottle that is shaped like a clipper ship, it truly is an amazing wine.

Green Bay is just a short day trip away from Minneapolis. So if you ever find yourself in Green Bay make sure you stop in and see the lovely folks at Captains Walk. They will be happy to see you and assist you with all of your wine needs.

Drinks, Flats, and Ninja Antics

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I am a firm believer that everything in life no matter good or bad happens for a reason. My last position ended miserably, yet even then I found a piece of silver in the lining. Maybe I was brought there to meet the wonderful Miss. Angela. I am grateful for her friendship and she is quickly becoming one of my favorite BFFs. Yea, Yea I know I’ve got like 300 BFFs. Come on now, every Ninja needs a pack and well my BFFs are my Ninja crew.

Ninjas always travel in pairs. It’s true they do. Friday night we went out to celebrate my new-found employment. I love my job. What can I say its a big giant leap forward from the last joint I worked. Professionalism rules the day and best of all there is no Kansas girl. Thank God for that! An its blissfully quiet no annoying shrill talking about their family in the background, just pure silent bliss. This was worth celebrating. An Celebrate we did. Dinner at Barrio yummy margaritas, The Big Ginger at The Local, and well all evenings must end in cake. Angela was a very good sport, putting up with my ADD brain and the ooo let’s go here, now there mind set.

Saturday morning brought me a nasty surprise. The Prius had a flat. I was on my way into do some work at the firm and didn’t notice that I had a flat tire until I drove half way down the block. Yay for AAA, they came quick, changed my tire and I was on my way. Thanks to the tire protection plan, I didn’t have to pay for the repair. Sadly the tire tech told me that there was a screw in my tire and that I didn’t pick it up on the road. Someone put the screw into the side wall of my tire. What the hell, can’t people just leave things alone. Do you realize how dangerous that could have been if my tire blew while going 70mph? Do you realize I could have been hurt? Thank God I was close to home and only going 20mph when I noticed it. I have a sneaking suspicion of who placed said screw in my tire. On the bright side I didn’t let the flat get me down. Nope not one bit. Tires are fixable, life is to short, and well what goes around comes around.

In deed it does. Life works in mysterious ways. Part of my Saturday plans were tossed because of the tire. Yet, I didn’t let me stop it from my pending Ninja Antics. There is always Ninja time. I had an awesome afternoon teaching a group of kids about CSA’s and helping them plant a community garden. Dirty hands are the best hands to have. It reminds us that we are connected to this earth and that it is a part of us. After the garden was planted, it was time to tackle The Bear at Pizza Luce with friends and sip wine while watching the clouds roll by. This, this is the life. Everything I’ve worked for has finally come to me. Hard work and ninja antics alway pay off in the end.

Its Time to Hit the Pow Wow Trail

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Honor the Earth Pow Wow

Spring brings a sense of busy to the reservations. Mothers are tightening the final beads on moccasins, sewing the last feather into the head-dress, and the last bit of fringe is being added to the shawl. This is a time of excitement, we work through the week so that we can hit the trail. Pow wows are a social time, a chance to catch up with old friends, and family that you haven’t seen in a while.

As I sit in my chair I get chills as the grand entry begins. The beating of the drum soaks into my heart, the colors take my breath away, and the tears begin to fall. This was the way, the way of our people. Little children run bare foot, parents look on with pride as the youth take up the dances of the past, and the drum calls you to the center. The singers voices drift beyond the pines, young boys look on as the drum beats, women join with a sad cry. This is how we once were.

I try to picture how it use to be. How the old days were and I try to picture my grandma dancing around the drum. The pride that she had for her life for her people. My niece runs up to me and asks “auntie did you see me? I danced just for you.” Thank you Jolie, that was a beautiful dance, I loved it. She looks at me with childhood wonder and a chocolate covered smile. This, this is the life. Not a care in the world, just me, my friends, and the beat of the drum calling us home.

Jolie and I at Honor the Earth

The smell of fry bread drifts through the air, followed by the distinct smell of taco meat. Indian tacos are my crack, I think I eat at least 2 at every Pow Wow. Nina smiles at me, as she knows not to put lettuce on mine. I don’t even have to tell her she knows as soon as I stand in front of her cart. Jolie comes running up to me with a smile on her face and asks quietly “Can I have some?” I always share with Jolie, she snuggled up next to me watching the dancers and stuffing herself with Indian Taco. This, this is what life is about, teaching the next generation. I have to be strong for her and show this little taco eating lady, that she is worth it.

Dancers, Indian tacos, family and friends are how I choose to spend my weekend. My trunk is packed with my Pow Wow chair, my best Pow Wow shades and flip-flops. I am ready to hit the trail, to drive off into the Northland, to the winding reservation roads that lead to the Pow Wow grounds. That is where you will find me nestled in my chair under the arbor with my family at my side. This is the way, this is what life is about.

Hydro………..What?

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Ninjas lets all say it together “Hydroponics.”

I first learned about hydroponics in my high school horticulture 101 class. It was me and a bunch of zit faced awkward teenage boys in that class. But, that is where my nerdiness showed for sustainable agriculture, forestry, and aquaculture.

Spring has finally arrived in Minnesota and that means its planting season. Well sort of, we’ve had a very cold spring and it doesn’t want to make me put my hands in the soil. So I’ve started my plants in doors with out soil.

What No soil? Trust me this isn’t star trek technology and no it’s not some new age science. Its called Hydroponics, a method of growing plants in a nutrient rich water solution instead of soil.

ADVANTAGES

Some of the reasons why hydroponics is being adapted around the world for food production are the following:

No soil is needed
The water stays in the system and can be reused – thus, lower water costs
It is possible to control the nutrition levels in their entirety – thus, lower nutrition costs
No nutrition pollution is released into the environment because of the controlled system
Stable and high yields
Pests and diseases are easier to get rid of than in soil because of the container’s mobility

DISADVANTAGES

The hydroponic conditions (presence of fertilizer and high humidity) create an environment that stimulates salmonella growth. Other disadvantages include pathogen attacks such as damp-off due to Verticillium wilt caused by the high moisture levels associated with hydroponics and over watering of soil based plants. Also, many hydroponic plants require different fertilizers and containment systems.

TECHNIQUES

The two main types of hydroponics are solution culture and medium culture. Solution culture does not use a solid medium for the roots, just the nutrient solution. The three main types of solution culture are static solution culture, continuous-flow solution culture and aeroponics. The medium culture method has a solid medium for the roots and is named for the type of medium, e.g., sand culture, gravel culture, or rockwool culture.

There are two main variations for each medium, sub-irrigation and top irrigation. For all techniques, most hydroponic reservoirs are now built of plastic, but other materials have been used including concrete, glass, metal, vegetable solids, and wood. The containers should exclude light to prevent algae growth in the nutrient solution.

I prefer the Ebb and flow or flood and drain subirrigation method of hydroponics. In its simplest form, there is a tray above a reservoir of nutrient solution. Either the tray is filled with growing medium (clay granules being the most common) and planted directly or pots of medium stand in the tray. At regular intervals, a simple timer causes a pump to fill the upper tray with nutrient solution, after which the solution drains back down into the reservoir. This keeps the medium regularly flushed with nutrients and air. Once the upper tray fills past the drain stop, it begins recirculating the water until the pump is turned off, and the water in the upper tray drains back into the reservoirs.

Hydroponics gives a solution to create a sustainable food source for the world population. A Minnesota company Bushel Boy Tomamtes is currently using hydroponics to grow their delicious bright red tomatoes. If one small company can harness the power of hydroponics to provide in season tomatoes to all Minnesotans. Imagine what you could do with this technology in your own lives. My parents grow herbs hydrologically throughout the winter. Everyone loves having fresh herbs at their finger tips.

So the next time you’re at the farmers market look for hydrologically grown fruits, veggies, and herbs. There out there, trust me. You may of just eaten a hydrologically grown plant for dinner. Heres to community supported agriculture and harnessing the power of hydroponics.

A Night at the MN Opera

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Wuthering Heights

Minnesota Opera presents “Wuthering Heights,” the opera based on Emily Brontë’s novel, is now showing at the Ordway through April 23rd (tomorrow).

Wuthering Heights did not disappoint. It is one of the few operas sung in english and the score invokes deep-rooted passion, misery, and the heart wrenching pang of lust. A lust that transcends class that is not weakened by separation. Lust that continues beyond the grave, as Heathclif asks Cathy to haunt him until his last dying day. An haunt him she does, her voice trails through the halls, as he demands her spirit to come into the walls of Wuthering Heights. Heathcliff is haunted, tormented, and driven mad by the woman he craves, by the lust he never quenched.

The back drop is a gloomy walled Wuthering heights, that opens to a lush green flower filled moor. The projections designed by Wendall K. Harrington create an effective visual representation of the music. The images transport you to the lush moors and grip the changing seasons at Wuthering heights. The visuals brought the stage to life and left me wondering what was next.

Conductor Michael Christie brought the Ordway to life. The opera really pops when textures and melodies intertwine. You feel the grip of emotion as the strings take you to a crescendo of devoted love and the pain felt at Wuthering Heights. The vocals filled with passion and pain, invoke the emotions of love lost.

It was beautiful, heart wrenching, and darn right amazing. It had been a while since I’d been to the opera. Oh an I must say I didn’t go alone. The Irs man came with and he liked it as well. I would highly recommend this opera to anyone. It’s a must see.

Disclaimer: I received free tickets from the Minnesota Opera. All views are my own.

The Three Fs

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The three Fs help me through every situation and make life worth living. What are they you ask? Its simple: Faith, Family and Friends.

FAITH

I was raised in a primarily Lutheran/Catholic town, with a sprinkle of Methodist. I was part of the sprinkles.

At a young age I learned what God was and how he could either save you or leave you. Mostly I learned that its mind of matter. At the tender age of 4 I understood God and was thankful to him because he, he had saved me so I could play with my Barbie’s.

My Father is the most religious man I know, he can quote the Bible like no buddies business. Yet he has rarely set foot in a church outside of weddings and funerals. He taught me that God Lives in our hearts, not in the brick and mortar that we flock to. That God is in the water, the air, the trees, he is in everything. I just had to open my eyes and listen. On the other hand my Mom made sure we went to church every Sunday, minus my Father, he was allowed to stay home and watch GI Joe. ( I was mad because I loved that cartoon and didn’t get to watch it) Instead I had to wear a stuffy itchy dress and sit in church, all while knowing GI Joe was on at home.

GI Joe would be the least of my worries in life. I have come to find my spiritual self. My faith is strong and its something I have mish mashed together. Combining the spiritual beliefs of my Ojibway side and mixing it with a sprinkle of Methodist. I just call my concoction Faith so strong it sets your heart on fire. Honestly, I know God exist, in those dark quite times, he’s there with us and when the sun shines he whispers in our ear “Go Ninja Go!”

FAMILY

What can I say I love my family through and through. They are my foundation, my base, an anchor to my soul. My Mama tells me “I didn’t raise you, you….you raised yourself. Your father and I were just lucky enough to be along for the ride.” Its true I did practically raise myself with their help of course. I listen to their advice, heed their warnings, and do what I want regardless. They pick me up when I fall and cheer me on as I rise.

My Mama is one of the most courageous women I know. She came from a poor farm family of 10 kids, they had nothing. Yet, she had a desire to create something better, to do better, and be better. My Mother she…she was one of the first women in Minnesota to hold a heavy equipment drivers license. Yup, she was! She was a first and she drove that dump truck better than a man ever could. She always told me that women can do what ever they want in life. An to never let a MAN tell you, you can’t. Because you can. My Mama has had many careers in her life which lead her from the coal yard, to health care and eventually the kitchen. She no longer drives a dump truck, hasn’t done it in years, today she’s wielding a tongs and shouting orders in the kitchen.

Now my Daddy he’s like a cat! The man has 9 lives, nothing can get him down. Its funny I don’t call my Father, Dad. I call him Pete. Pete isn’t even his real name, but to me he is and always will be Pete. My father is some what of a legend in Red Wing. I’m not sure if any of the old stories are true. However I am certain that he had to do something pretty good to earn the nick name “The Animal.” I’ve seen men quake in their boots at his meer presence in a grocery store, the gas pump and so on. If only they saw him today, he is a shadow of his former self. I got two things from Pete, My curly hair and my A.D.D “its a family tradition.”

When I was a little girl Pete would take me fishing, we never caught anything, yet I cherish those moments and memories that he gave me. I learned everything I know about trimming trees, growing plants, and orchards from my Father. Those are handy skills to have. Unlike most Fathers, Pete took an active role in raising my sister and I. He was a stay at home Dad. My mama she wore the pants, brought home the bacon and Pete, well he cooked it. Watered down Koolaide and steak were his dinner specialties. Winter was never his thing, spring and summer where the seasons he cherished. On cool summer nights he’d let us sit in the back of the old Ford pick up truck as he drove through the countryside, the breeze whipping my curls as I slurped my slushy. Nothing mattered, it was just me, Pete, and my dreams.

They say a parents success in life is judged by the success of their children. I’d say my parents are pretty darn succesful and I’ve got the ninja skills to prove it!

FRIENDS

Life is more fun when spent with friends. Friends come and go, but they always leave an impression on your soul. I have more BFFs than I can count and love every single one of my friends like family. They keep me sane, listen to me whine, and laugh when I fall. They only laugh because I probably tripped over a crack or something. We dry each others tears, live like were dying and laugh until our stomachs hurt. It’s nice to know that I’ve got friends all over the globe and that no matter where I go, I always have a place to stay. My BFF Joy said it best “Know that no matter where you go in this world, what happens, and what you do, you always have a home with me.”

I hope you have the three Fs in your life. Without the three Fs life isn’t a journey worth taking. If you lose faith, just remember that deep inside there is a ninja and when you don’t think you can go on. Slip on your suit, let that ninja take over, and let your kung fu fly. Lean on your family, if you don’t like your family make your own. I hope you have more friends than you will ever need in this world. Friends truly make this place brighter.

Infertility = A Broken Dream with Options

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Ever since I can remember I’ve always had this feeling that I would never have my own children. As a little girl I was obsessed with cabbage patch kids and pound puppies because you could adopt them.

After my miscarriage my cycle never returned to normal. In which the doctors told me that it was normal and would take sometime to balance out. In February I had a bunch of test done, an ultra sound, and some other things. The results came back a few weeks later, I never went in to find out. Part of me knew it wasn’t good. So I just put it off.

Put it off until last week, sitting in a waiting room full of new moms glowing with pride and some looked like they were going to burst. I felt a tug and some how knew, that this would never be in my cards. Is it just me or are exam rooms always freezing. The doctor he came in and looked at me with sadness. He said ” I’m Sorry that I have no good news for you today. ” Swallowing hard I looked at him and said “Give it to me straight, no sugar-coating please.” He did just that, he flat-out said “I’m sorry but you will never carry a child.” I could feel the tears welling in my eyes, it took everything in me not to let them fall. The explanations were given, the odds were not in my favor, and the only child I would ever carry is in heaven. I told the doctor “I feel cheated and like someone robbed me of my options.” He just put his hand on my knee and said “You can always adopt or have a surrogate carry for you.” Looking blankly out the window, I told him ” I know, I know.”

My appointment was over, in a matter of 45 minutes my dream was crushed, ripped in two, and stomped on. I felt like the wind was sucked out of me and that I was some how a terrible woman. As I put the prius into drive, the tears they finally came rolling down. All I could think of was running, running far away, that some how it was all a dream. It wasn’t a dream. I did what any woman would. I fixed my make up and went into work, I acted like nothing had changed, yet on the inside I was crushed.

Crushed that this was my new normal. A life without fertility. I mourned, got mad, and then realized there’s a whole world out there waiting. I am not yet at a place in my life where I am ready to adopt or interview surrogates. So I am going to take time for me and finally put myself first. Along with many dreams that I put on hold, a big dream was to join the peace corps. Someone said “your only running away from your infertility, spending 27 months abroad isn’t going to make the problem go away.’ I’m not looking to erase the problem, I have to live with a no good rejected uterus every day, I can’t escape it and it , it can’t escape me.

I let my mind wonder as I walked around Calhoun. Actually wonder to the hmm what would life be like without children place. I could 1. travel a ton, 2. go to law school, pass the bar and become one heck of a lawyer, 3. join the peace corps, 4. I could have a flexible schedule. Then I thought, hmm I am 28 and since my uterus is all ready broken, I have no biological clock to worry about. Maybe when I am 40 I will think about adoption, yup when I am 40 I will maybe adopt. Slowly I am allowing my mind to travel to the life without children place and at first it was scary, but now its a cooling calm.

A calm that I am ok with, truly and honestly I am ok with it. One friend said to me: “Um AmandaJean you’re not datable anymore.” looking puzzled I asked “how the heck is that.” Her response “men like women who can have their babies and well you can’t.” Umm I am pretty sure I can find someone who doesn’t wants kids, can’t have them, or thinks adoption is an option. I am not worried one bit, heck marriage is for the birds, I’ve been down that road once and it didn’t go well. Plus I don’t need a man or a child to define who I am, I am a woman, one heck of a woman and that comforts me.