Category Archives: Friends Are Like Good Bras

{20’s} A Snap Shot

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Holy, its hard for me to believe that I will be 30 in 31 days. I am excited to say goodbye to my 20’s and hello to AJ 3.0. My 20’s were one crazy ride. The past decade was filled with, love, advenutre, loss, learning , and so much more. So take a stroll with me as I recap the good, the bad, and the down right funny parts of the past decade.

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During the fall of 2002 I started college at the University of Wisconsin Superior and managed to fall in love with a boy from Sri Lanka. Made some great friends and took part in all of the activities that the Northland had to offer. I met my greatest mentor Dr. Maria Cuzzo and she taught me everything there is to know about the law.

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Ah! Finally I am legal. Legal to drink that is. However my 21st birthday was a bust. I was sicker than a dog with mono that October. It sucked. Anyways at 21 I came into my own as a bi-racial woman and started speaking at different conferences around the state. In the fall I applied and was accepted to the Wisconsin in Scotland program and was pretty darn pumped for living abroad. I spent most of the year plotting my trip overseas. The Sri Lankan and I saw our first anniversary. Man, back then I thought one year was a huge accomplishment. If I had only known right. That spring he and I drifted apart and I was once again single an ready to mingle. Well I didn’t really mingle.
I spent my summer working at the St James Hotel in Red Wing and saved every dime I made for my trip to Scotland. That August my Mama wrapped her arms around me and waved good-bye as I walked towards the ticket counter. I am not going to lie, I was pretty darn scared and had no fucking clue if I would make it over seas. Scotland was everything I hoped it would be and I got along great with my roommates. In September I wondered the streets of Paris, tanned on the beaches of Sardinia, rode the funicular in Barcelona, and sailed the canals of Venice. I had been to the Edinburgh Tattoo, seen the Queen of England in Person and took in the highland games.

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I set off to find my place in the world, I didn’t find my place, instead I found myself. Scotland taught me that I can do anything and that life is one hell of an adventure. I had an amazing 22nd birthday in Scotland and returned home that November forever changed. I was no longer the shy sheltered small town girl, I was now a citizen of the world and a shadow of my former self. I gained so much strength. In January I said goodbye to the Sri Lankan boy and said hello to Scott.
Scott walked into my life that April and he brought a little boy along as well. I fell head over heels for this man and I knew within a few months that he was the one. Scott and Nylan were a package deal and I loved them both with all of my heart. In the fall I started my senior year and plotted my next overseas adventure. Joy and I spent our fall prepping for Egypt and our pending graduation. I lived it up with my sorority sisters and took my speaking skills to the national stage. I got a kick ass LSAT score and was filling out my law school applications. I applied to four that fall. My heart was set on LSU Baton Rouge.

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In January Joy and I took off for Egypt. Traveling with my best friend was a great way to say good-bye to our college years. We explored the Great Pyramids, the Valley of the Kings, sailed the Nile, and ran from creepy Egyptian men. Joy and I will always have the night train. Ah, yes the night train. Motion sickness got the best of me and Joy growled at the hobos as I puked my guts out in the not so nice bathroom. I swear to God that train popped out of 1920 something. I made some great friends on our trip and was forever changed by my journey to the land of the Pharos.
That Spring Scott and I saw our first anniversary and I began making plans to move in with him that summer. Law School was put on the back burner as I focused on finding a job and being a Mom to Nylan. Woodbury would become my new home and I quickly learned what it was like to live with his brothers. His dogs became mine and I started to build a new dream. Jenny Craig was my first job out of college. I felt a little defeated, my heart laid with the law and without experience that was out of my grasp. Yet, I made the best out of the situation and kept on pushing for something better.

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In November Scott and I took a cruise to Mexico and Belize. We took doon buggies to the ruins, zip corded through the jungles, and fell deeply in love on the high seas. The Monday after we returned from our vacation Scott asked me to come out to the garage. He explained that Nylan had left something for me and directed me to my Halloween porch kids. Nylan left something for you in the skeleton’s bag, reach in and see. No I said, it might be a spider. Scott got me to reach in, to my surprise the object was square. As I pulled it out and turned around Scott was on one knee. He asked me to be his wife and of course I said yes. This was one of the happiest days of my life and I was now the proud owner of a calla cut butterfly engagement ring.
In January I said good-by to Jenny Craig and Hello to Express Scripts. Life was great. I loved my job and our relationship was going strong. Wedding planing became my top priority and lucky me I found the dress of my dreams in March.
I needed to itch my travel bug so Scott and I planned a cruise to Alaska that September. It was chilly, yet incredible. Once again he and I fell in love on the high seas.

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Whoever said your cube mate can’t become your best friend was wrong. Lisa and I bonded over wedding planning and puppies. She is one of the most incredible women I know. Today she is no longer my cube mate, instead she is my best friend. Scott and I were getting tired of living with his brothers and we set out to find a home of our own. We looked at more than 30 houses until we found the perfect one. Nylan said he wanted a red house and that is exactly the color of the house we bought and called our home. I spent most of the spring making the red house our home and putting the final details on our wedding.
That winter I started the paralegal certification program at the MN Paralegal institute. I excelled at my courses and my teachers would ask “um why are you here, you know the law and can draft.” Well I am here because no one will hire me unless I have a paralegal certificate. I spent some evenings after class helping my classmates understand the law and proofing their drafts.
On May 31st, 2008 Scott and I said I do with Nylan at our side. It was a beautiful day filled with love and family. Together we were unstoppable and our love bubbled over.

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It seemed that the home we bought to bring us together was instead ripping us apart. A rift was formed. Scott had done things I couldn’t forgive. Yet with the walls crashing down we planned another cruise. This time we were headed for Europe and Africa. At times I wonder why we even went. Maybe we thought the magic we had before on past cruises would find its way in and that we would fall in love once again. Love didn’t find its way in. I had few words to say. yet I held on for Nylan’s sake. He deserved a home. To those around us we looked like the perfect couple. In reality we were far from that.
Change was brewing in the wind. That October I took a job at a law firm in Plymouth. I was excited for this new adventure, yet sad to leave my friends and the safety of Express Scripts.
I was excited to start my new job on the 19th of October. I hadn’t felt well that weekend and I just wrote it off as nerves. On the 21st I had terrible pain through out my body. It felt like someone was trying to cut me open. I took some Tylenol and went to bed early that night. On October 22nd I never made it to work, instead I made it to the ER and was fighting like hell to survive. When I arrived at the ER I could barely breathe and my chest felt like a thousand knives were stabbing me. This would be the day I learned what a pulmonary embolism was and on how lucky I am.

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I almost died five days before my 27th birthday. I was still finding my way as a survivor and dealing with the aftermath of my blood clot. My life revolved around lovenox, INR checks, drs appointments, and so on. I was sick and tired of it all. Mostly I was tired of being married to a man who didn’t love me. I wanted a man who was moved by the fact that his wife almost died, instead I got pushed to the bottom and cheated on. Yet he promised me that our life was going to be better and that he was going to try harder. That December we had our first Christmas with Nylan in Minnesota. He had an incredible day and enjoyed playing in the piles of snow.
We learned in January that the blood clot had finally dissolved in my lung and that I was half way out of the woods. Once we got that news we decided that Scott + AJ = baby. In April we found out that we were expecting.
To me this was the silver lining. My moment to say that I survived one of the shittiest things in the world and now my body is carrying life. In this moment Scott and I were Happy. The world seemed to stop spinning and love slowly seeped back into our marriage. He talked to my growing belly and would say with a smile “We did it bear.” That we did. Our pregnancy was high risk and we knew the odds. I held out hope that our baby would make it and that we would say hello in a few short months.
Hello never came. In May we said goodbye. Sherri held my hand and dried my tears as I sat waiting in the hospital. We both knew why we were there. She held on to my wedding ring as I went into surgery. When I came out I was no longer with child, I had become a mother to a baby in heaven. My son’s death showed me just how little I mattered to Scott. It showed me that I needed to call it quits.
That June I met an attorney who told me “It all comes down to a judgment call. There are no winners or losers in divorce. Someone has to walk away first.” I heard that on Friday June 25th 2010 and walked away from my marriage on June 27th. It was easy leaving Scott. It hurt like fucking hell when I said good-bye to Nylan. I loved that little boy with every fiber of my being. He was and will always be my son.
I spent the rest of that summer learning how to be unmarried and rescued the muppet like dog. The muppet quickly became my trusty little side kick and he is totally the best dog ever. it was me and the muppet like dog against the world. I tucked my ring away and set out to find myself. Part of finding myself was to quit my job. I hated the law firm I worked for and decided I was done. Of course I was scared. I didn’t have a plan or a fucking clue what I was going to do next.

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Me and My Mama at my Birthday Lunch

I actually got a job offer on my 28th birthday. It didn’t pay well. I didn’t care a job is a job. I started dating a little and made new friends. I was creating the life I wanted and had been waiting for. I came to turns with all of the shit that happened during year 27 and walked into survivorhood with grace.
I was no longer a Cohen. My divorce was finalized on December 23rd, 2010. Merry fucking Christmas to me. I was one very happy divorced woman and those papers proved that I was now a free woman.
In the spring I tried on a pair of lobbying shoes. To my surprise they fit and when I opened my mouth people listened. By May I had enough of the bullshit at my $12 an hour job and set off for something new. Enter the big downtown firm. I must admit I was scared half to death to start working there. The attorney from last June and I fell on bad terms. I had no idea if he was going to try to sink me. My lovely friend Lisa talked me into taking the job. She was right I had as much right to work there as he did.
In truth, I shined. Before I knew it I was the go to girl and had 12 attorneys emailing me for assistance. They didn’t care that they had their own assistant, they wanted me. They wanted AJ. I will admit, I worked my summer away and eventually worked myself sick. Yet I was happy to be apart of something huge and I now know more about fishing than I could have ever imagined.
Charlie and I started dating off and on that summer. He was in NY most of the time, yet we made it work. I slowly fell in love with my best friend and started spending more days at The Ivy. Life at 28 was perfect. I loved Charlie, Loved my job and the muppet like dog.

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At 29 work became my life. I barely had a social life and at times Charlie got mad at me. This is where I learned that trying to prove yourself isn’t necessary. By Thanksgiving I had worked myself sick, barely slept, and rarely did anything outside of work. Something had to give. If the big firm wasn’t going to give me a permanent position I would find a firm that would. I had several interviews and few call backs. I had started to give up and was accepting my fate as a temp. In late January I got a call, a firm wanted me. I accepted and said my good-byes and left the big downtown firm. I made a lot of great friends there and will always remember the late nights and crazy hours I put in to make someone’s life better.
Oooo, I became an Aunt. Yes, this is definitely a highlight! My niece Sophia and I are 29 years and four months apart, totally cool if you ask me. I love that little girl with all of my heart.
Speaking of love Charlie sat on his coffee table and asked me to be his wife. Of course I said yes. My world was once again perfect. I had a new niece, I was on the mend, engaged, and I loved my job again. Once again I felt like this was my calm after the storm and that nothing was going to destroy my bubble. Bubbles burst way to often in my life. I should know by now that when things are perfect, it take one little prick to burst my happy.
Charlie passed away on February 16th and I was heart-broken. He never even got to meet my niece Sophia or my sister for that matter. Charlie would have loved Sophia. Saying good-bye was hard and I can live the rest of my life knowing that Charlie loved me with all of his heart. There are days where I can feel him around and on others I look up and say “stop pushing Charlie, I can do it on my own.”
An that I did. I proved to myself that I am more than a survivor, I am one hell of a woman with one incredible story. Charlie’s death taught me that memories are worth more than dollars. I have spent more time with friends, uttered I love you more often, snuggled with niece, and spent time with my family. Life is precious and it is worth living. The ultimate lesson of year 29 is “Putting memories into you memory bank is more important than the balance in your bank account.” I will never again work my life away. I will be damned if I let moments slip away because of a work deadline. I have learned to say no and walk away at 6pm. I deserve a life and you know what my bank account doesn’t miss the overtime.

One thing is for certain My 30’s have to be better than my 20’s. I hope that there will be less pot holes and more smooth black top ahead of me. Life is a journey worth taking an I am going to hold on tight. The next 10 years are going to be awesome. I hope to find love again and start a family of my own. Hell I just might entertain the idea of law school or something awesome like that. I do know that I will keep on blogging, so grab your tickets and in 31 days come see AJ 3.0 in action.

{Charlie} A Little Hope

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Lately I have spent a lot of time alone and dared to let my mind wonder why. Tears fall silently into the Muppet’s fur and then there are moments where I burst out in laughter for no reason. Life isn’t suppose to be this way. We are supposed to fall in love, have babies, and grow old together. For the first time in years I let myself feel and believed in something called love. I held out hope that it would turn out all right and trusted the fact that he would never be like my ex husband.

Charlie knew I was broken and that he was taking on more scars than one soul could handle. Yet he would shoot me a smirk and take my hand during the moments of doubt. He called me late at night to tell me “Hey beautiful, just wanted to remind you that you are amazing. Don’t forget that.” Sometimes he would tell my voicemail a story or just talk about his day. Knowing full well that the voice mail symbol would bring a smile to me in the morning. He had faith in me and allowed me to just be. Charlie didn’t try to heal my scars, or swaddle my fears, he just simply let me be. Why others tried to give me answers, he gave me hope. Hope replaced my fears and allowed me to dream again. Dream of a place where love lived.

Late nights were spent with board games and conversation. Charlie never asked me about my failed marriage, my stroke, or my son. He told me once “I don’t need to pry. I have faith that when you’re ready you will tell me everything.” Those moments came and the man was left in awe. Bit by bit I revealed myself to him and under the brightness of the sun my secrets became exposed. I stood there before him with nothing more than my soul, vulnerable, and afraid. He just threw his arms around me and said “Babe all we need is a little hope and we’ll be all right.”

Charlie was full of hope. Hope for our future and that our lives would be more than perfect. It’s funny how one persons inability to move their car from the freeway brought that hope crashing down. Charlie’s death will remain fresh as I shake my head and wonder “Why?” I can live with the fact that it was an accident. However I can’t live with the notion that it was preventable. Had they taken the extra steps no one would have had to die that day. Charlie didn’t die alone, that one accident claimed the lives of five people. Five beautiful people that mattered to someone out there. I hold out a tiny shred of hope that the Judge will make those two idiots pay for their mistake. Rest assured I will be sitting in the courtroom on the day the sentence is handed down.

Hope is what gets me through the hard moments and allows me to dream. Charlie would want me to have a little hope and to believe in a better day. A day where the pain fades and all of this will make sense. I didn’t get to grow old with him, yet I got to spend 16 of the greatest months of my life with him. In the end that’s all that matters. That for 16 incredible months our friendship grew into love, and that love allowed us to have a little hope for a beautiful future.

{Child Loss} With Time the Heart Heals

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It’s funny how time soothes our souls and slowly heals our wounds. I all most didn’t realize what today marked. A day that I would never forget. It was a day that women long for. I remember standing in my bathroom watching the hour-glass spin on the EPT. Part of me had hope and part of me was preparing for a “not pregnant” to pop up. It seemed like hours had passed, I didn’t want to look. To my surprise the test screen said “pregnant.” The test dropped to the floor, shaking I smiled slightly, and thought “finally my calm has come.” I showed the test to Scott, he was over joyed, his eyes filled with tears. Tears because we had just conquered the impossible. In that moment we were happy, the cheating and the lies they didn’t matter. Because now two had truly become one.

Calls were made to the doctor, since I got pregnant just months after my P.E. I was considered high risk. The doctor told us it was a long shot, and that time would tell if the warfarin sodium had done any damage to the baby. We had a 50/50 chance of bringing a baby into this world. To me those were good odds so I started the twice a day Lovenox injections and a crazy low vitamin K diet. I started showing right away, there was no hiding the fact that I was with child. My baby belly to me was a symbol of survival and my way of saying Fuck you nuva ring, I made it. Morning sickness never came, sleep was something I couldn’t get enough of, and cravings were plentiful.

The doctors said our child had a strong heart beat and that he was a fighter. The first time I saw him I fell in love, that was my child on the screen, and there was no greater gift. They talked about the odds of a blood clot forming, they told me the baby could be born Lovenox dependant, and that I could bleed to death during child-birth. Bleeding to death is not how I wanted to go, so a C-section was planned, and it was decided that our son would be born early. Being born early would be best for both baby and mommy.

While I was busy planning and dreaming of what was to come, my body was brewing up a different plan. It was the Tuesday after Mothers Day, I sat in the waiting room and looked around at all of the swollen bellies. My name was called and into the ultra sound room we went. The tech fumbled with the wand, minutes went by, and she just kept clicking on the key board. She sat their in silence adjusting the colors on the screen, soon she got up and walked out. That’s odd I thought, she came back with one of the doctors. He stared at the screen with her looking as the colors changed. He coldly said “there is no heart beat.” At first I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. He explained to me that my son had died, that my baby was dead. He told me, “I’m so sorry for your loss. it’s probably for the best.” He asked if I wanted to talk about the options. I said no and stormed out of there.

Stormed off to the Prius as I put the key into the ignition the tears began to fall. I placed my hand on my belly and dared to ask why. I could barely dial the phone, when my Mom answered all I could muster was "Aloucious died." My Mom, she was trying to hold back her tears, she said "I'll call your Dad. I went home to an empty house, Scott was in Vegas, I tried calling him but he didn't answer. I barried myself in bed, I didn't want to face the world. I wasn't ready to lose my child. The door bell rang and standing at the door was my Father.

All I could do was cry as he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. He said to me "I don't know why this happened. We just have to have faith." I stood there in his arms crying, my whole world shattered around me. He told me to get dressed and took me out for breakfast. I could barely eat and didn't want to face the world. The rain fell softly as we walked to the car I asked "Dad can we bury Aloucious under a birch tree?" Of course he said, yes we can, why don't we go look for one now. We strolled through the nursery lot for a few hours looking for the perfect tree to place my son under, a tree that would have deep roots and strong branches. We didn't find the perfect tree and now cold from the rain I just wanted to go home.

Home is where I was when Scott finally called. I had asked him to come home, to be with me. He told me "no." I was crushed the man I needed most had failed me and left me standing alone. Alone to make decisions about our son. After talking to a nurse about my options it was evident that I would not go into labor on my own. I needed surgery. Sherri she had left work early and sat by me in the waiting room. As I went back to surgery I gave her my wedding rings to hold on to, she had tears in her eyes as she said "see you in a bit." The nurses told her the procedure would take about 40 minutes. 40 minutes melted into an hour and that hour melted into two. Soon she was told that I was out and in recovery. My ordeal, my son was no longer a part of me. I was now a mother to a baby in heaven.

I was angry, sad, and frustrated. I went through the phase where I thought my son's death was my fault and often thought maybe I wasn't good enough to be a mom. That maybe this was God's way of showing me that he didn't have faith in me. I was angry and scared. No one I knew had gone through this before. Babies just don't up and die. There had to be a reason and we would have to wait two long months for the results.

As I waited the anger started to fade, grief slipped into every day life, and I slowly started to feel a live. One thing was certain something had to change. I needed to re-evaluate my marriage and the man I called my husband. It was hard for me to fathom that Scott didn't care enough about me to get on a plane. Vegas and Ultimate Electronics were more important than his grieving wife. This was my moment to reclaim myself and to fight for what I wanted in this world.

An that I did, in June I walked away. I was done and I had nothing left to give. Two months slowly passed and the answers I had been waiting for were ready. Just like before I walked into the doctor's office alone. The nurse asked if Scott would be coming. I told her no, I left him about two weeks ago. We are getting a divorce. Oh, she said. "Well some marriages can't survive the death of a child hun." I just looked at her and said "my son gave me the strength to walk away from a man who cheated on and lied to me. He had nothing to do with my leaving or our demise." She just looked at me. The doctor came in and told me "AJ, I wish I had more to tell you. Your son was chromosomally perfect and well, we have no idea why he died. His little heart just stopped. It happens hun." That's all I needed to hear. My son was perfect. My beautiful boy was perfect and I was proud of that.

Time heals the heart. At first I didn't want anything to do with babies. Swollen tummies made me retreat and I cried behind closed doors. Friends walked on egg shells as they announced their pregnancies and shot me half smiles. Half smiles turned into hugs. Babies are a beautiful part of this world and I have faith that one day I will get to say hello instead of goodbye to my child. Goodbyes are hard, yet it gave me more strength than I could ever imagine. Maybe I am lucky because now I have a little me in heaven. A son that is always with me. I can feel him in the breeze. Sometimes I let my mind wander and wonder what he would be like today. Would he have my curly hair, his dad's eyes, and I just hope he'd have my intelligence.

Shortly after Aloucious death I got a tattoo on my right foot. Because of the blog we nicknamed him little bear. So it was only fitting that I get a tattoo of four small bear paws. Two paws are red and black those were Scott's favorite colors. The other two are pink and orange which are my favorite colors. The tattoo artist thought it was a lovely tribute and as I told him my story his eyes filled with tears. He told me that he was glad to be in the presence of one hell of a fighter. I smiled and winced a little as the needles pushed into my skin. Now when I look down I am reminded that Aloucious is always with me and that I made it though hell. Hell because in 10 short months I survived a stroke/P.E. child loss, and had the strength to walk away from a man who would never love me. Strength that I gained when I carried my child and walked through his death alone.

May 12th will be the second anniversary of my son's death. Someone told me once: "You never get over the death of a child. You, you just learn how to live with it." That person was right. I will never be ok with Aloucious being gone. However I have learned to live with it. Maybe it's because I am getting older and a tad bit wiser that I can be at peace with his death. Indian people believe in cherishing the life and honoring the spirit that lived within. A birch tree was planted in Aloucious honor and one day Sophia will be old enough to play under its branches. She will feel the warmth of her cousin surround her and his story will seep into her heart. I just hope that this birch tree will be the only one I plant in the memory of a child. My heart can only handle one birch tree. Maybe one day I will get to sit under that birch with Aloucious' brother or sister in my arms.

Our Lives End Up In Boxes………….

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We spend our whole lives trying to step outside of the box. Yet when our life is over we end up in the very thing we’ve been avoiding. Our bodies and our things end up inside that very box.

I spent the better part of my week down at the Ivy packing up and cataloging Charlie’s things. Tears fell when each box was carefully packed, tapped, and loaded onto the truck. This meant my friend was truly gone. To me Charlie’s life is more than a truck full of boxes. If you ask me it was to big to fit inside a box. An that is the kind of life I want to live.

The photos he left behind tell a story, his nick nacks are reminders of the trips he took, and the board games. Well those are a reminder of nights filled with whiskey, deep conversation, and never-ending laughter. Charlie’s condo was always filled with friends needing advice, a place to crash, and those who needed a quiet place to work on a brief. He never turned any of us away. For many of us Charlie was a safe harbor, he always listened first, never judged, and asked if you wanted his advice. Thats what I loved about him, he never forced his opinions on you. He’d tell me: “AJ life has a funny way of working things out. You just have to believe and once you do that, things will fall into place.” Charlie was right. I just wish he was here to see how happy I am and to see that things are finally falling into place.

Charlie always made sure I was ok. After all I was and will always be his brothers Amazing. He did everything in his power to make me smile and get me through the loss of his brother. Charlie stood by my side when I had a Staph infection, held my hand and almost puked when I had an angiogram. He was always there. Whenever I was sick it was a given that he’d be on the next flight. There will never be another man like Charlie nor will I ever have a friend who loved me as much as he did. He was and will always be one hell of man. An I am thankful that for a brief moment I got to call him my friend.

Charlie taught me to live a life outside of the box, to travel light, and love like I was dying. An that is exactly what I am going to do. I want a life that will never be able to fit inside of a box. One so beautiful that it will leave such a legacy in my wake that people will feel compelled to give back to society. To be an example of good will, unwavering determination, and one of survival. I am a statistic, a stroke survivor, and mostly I am one hell of a fighter. Giving up and I can’t are words I seldom say. I am capable of big things and one day I just might change the world. Charlie would want that for me.

{Charlie’s Eulogy} Good Bye My Sweet Friend

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Good bye is never easy. Maybe this is why the Ojibway people do not have a word for good-bye. My Father always tells me see you later because there is no such thing as a good-bye. One someone leaves us our hearts are filled with pain and our minds are left wondering why.

Why is something I have uttered numerous times over the past few days. I got angry with God and dared to ask why the fuck Charlie. Of all the people on this earth you could have called home, YOU chose to call home my best friend. Maybe God didn’t realize how much we needed Charlie. How much Charlie meant to each and every one of us. Like many of you in this room I loved Charlie more than words can say. We’ve been in this place before. We’ve said good-bye before. This is where we said good-bye to Charlie’s brother Connor. Those two were something else and they meant the world to me. Now my world is dim and my faith is hindered.

Our wold will never be the same. Charlie was one hell of a man and he was an even better friend. He stood up for those who could not stand. Charlie gave a voice to the silent and he fought like hell to bring a little justice into this world. When I think of the word ‘Attorney” I will always picture Charlie. He lived and breathed what he practiced. Not to mention he kept me up late at night proofing his drafts and before each court appearance I’d give him a pep talk. I’d tell him “Go Charlie Go! You can do this! You are smart now get in there and show them what your made of!” Charlie would chuckle. I do know he won more cases than he lost. So that is all the proof we need that he was one hell of an attorney.

Charlie was an attorney who loved to play board games and you had to play by his rules. Charlie and I would play board games into the wee hours of the morning. He told me once “AJ all of life’s problems can be solved with a board game and a shot of whiskey.” I think Charlie was on the right track. The outside world seemed to disappear with each roll of the dice. As crazy as it seems board games were the perfect distraction and would often lead to deep conversations. Either that it led to me being tipsy and Charlie’s wild laughter filling the condo. I still say he cheated and I never learned how to drink whiskey like a man.

Charlie had a wild streak in him and was always searching for his next adventure. His adventures found him navigating the streets of Europe, climbing the lime stone cliffs of the midwest, and skinny dipping in Lake Superior. He could make the most mundane things into an adventure. Charlie loved working with the Native Youth and supported out-door adventure programing. I watched him teach young kids how to rock climb, wind surf, and survive in the woods. Charlie mentored and encouraged children to seek a college education. He wanted them to seek adventure and to live a life that dreams are made of. He believed that anything was possible.

Charlie lived a life that dreams were made of and he fought like hell to make sure each one of us had an amazing life too. He was our personal cheer leader always encouraging us on to the next peak. Charlie didn’t believe in settling and if you settled he’d give you hell for it. Life is a journey worth taking.

You may have noticed that Charlie has quite a few things in his casket. A few were put there by me. Connect Four. As we all know Charlie’s favorite game was Connect Four this one happens to be special and goes along with the photo of the Muppet Like Dog. You see late one night Charlie and I were so into our game we forgot about the muppet. So the Muppet like dog took it upon himself to chew on the checkers. That was the only night I ever beat Charlie at Connect four.

Charlie loved Cullen. When he was in town I would come home to a note that read “Kidnapped Cullen. He needed some quality man time. Collect at your own risk as we will be sitting naked on the couch drinking beer! Love Charlie and the muppet like dog.” I am going to miss coming home to a ransom note and having to interrupt man and muppet like dog time.

Charlie was an amazing man and I am greatful that I got the chance to call him my friend. Charlie taught me to reach for the clouds, to bust through glass ceilings, and to have faith again. He was one of the greatest things to ever happen to me and my life will never be the same.

We are lucky because God sent us an Angel and not everyone gets to play with an angel on earth. One thing can be said for Charlie he lived a life filled with risks, love, laughter, tears, honor, and adventure. He lived a life with no regrets and we should do the same.

{Charlie} Board Games and Life Lessons

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I can honestly say that I have been to more funerals than I have weddings. I have been to more wakes than baptisms. On my way home from work today I realized that I have out lived three of my dearest friends. Days like Thursday I faced the sun and dared to ask “Why?” Why God do you keep taking my friends away. Then I paused for a moment and thought “maybe I just know how to befriend earth-bound angels. Maybe God saw that their purpose was served and he called his weary travelers home. Home to rest on the clouds of heaven.

I didn’t want to go home after work and I knew I had to go to Charlie’s condo. I wasn’t ready so I drove out to the Mall of America and walked around for a few hours. The mall was filled with groups of friends, laughter and smiles. I didn’t feel like smiling. Inside I was dying. I wanted my best friend back. Not even gummy butterflies could turn my frown into a smile. It was getting late so I headed home to get the muppet like dog and we drove over to the Ivy.

As I walked in the door man greeted me and asked “Hey AJ! How are you. Charlie must be home early if your here tonight.” I lost it right there in the lobby. I looked at him and said Charlie isn’t coming home. “Oh Mr. Charlie staying in NYC permanently?” No sir, Charlie died this morning. He won’t be coming home. The doorman walked me to the elevator bay and gave me hug.

That was the longest elevator ride ever and it felt weird walking into his condo. Things looked different to me and it didn’t feel the same. It didn’t feel like Charlies home any more. His coffee table was filled with board games and playboys. The throw blanket on his couch still smelled like his cologne. Cullen was walking around looking for him and I said “Charlie isn’t coming home pal. Our Charlie is gone.” Cullen scampered off as I curled up in the blanket breathing his scent in. Looking out at the Minneapolis Skyline. The view is why Charlie loved living in The Ivy.

I laughed a little, Charlie use to tell me “AJ the moment you fall a sleep is when the fun begins.” That is when he’d hijack my twitter account and tweet my secrets or that nights sleep conversation to the world. I’d fall a sleep next to him as he was drafting documents for and plotting his plan of action for his next big court date. He’d tell me “AJ in you I’ve got the best of both worlds. I’ve got a best friend who is also my paralegal.” Best part is I don’t have to bill you for your proofing and drafting expertise.”

The Black’s Law Dictionary sat next to connect four on the coffee table. I ran my fingers across the box and the tears began to fall. Charlie loved that game and I remembered how excited he was when he bought it. I sat on the floor watching him pop out the plastic pieces and explaining “Charlies version” of the game. If you lost you had to take a shot of whiskey. I swear he cheated. I was the one taking the shots and getting tipsy. He’d look at me wild-eyed and would let out a roar of a laugh. I realize now that playing board games was a distraction from the outside world. When we sat on the floor he was not a lawyer and I was not a paralegal. We were simply Charlie and AJ best friends for life.

The muppet was being super quiet so I got up to investigate. I found him curled up in one of Charlies sweat shirts that he left on his bedroom floor. I nelt down beside him. His eyes looked so sad he huffed a little, the tears began to fall again. I patted Cullen’s head and said “I’m gonna miss him to pal.”

As I sat next to the muppet I kept hoping that Charlie would burst through the door. He didn’t it was just me and my muppet like dog. I quickly glanced at the clock it was almost midnight and I had to be up early for work. So I scooped up Connect Four and a few other things that would be put into his casket. I made sure everything was the way Charlie left it and said goodbye. I have so many good memories in that condo, I hope the next person loves it as much as he did.

Our friendship grew out of horrible circumstances and in the end it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. Charlie saw me through the hard times and cheered me on during the good times. Charlie was my rock, my bartender, psychologist, partner in crime, and mostly he was my best friend.

{Hope} For A Better Day

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Over the past few weeks I have been the rock in which the sea of kindness crashes upon. Its waves have wrapped themselves around me and I have never been more greatful. Because of you I will conquer this crazy disease or what ever the Doctors are calling it now. Your tweets, texts, phone calls, Facebook wall posts and emails have not fallen on deaf ears. I read each and every one of them. They make me smile and remind me that I am not alone in this world. Today I got an email from a coworker and it simply read “We are rooting for you in Denver!” That right there made my day.

Someone asked me today “Do you ever get mad? You know do you ever stomp and scream at the top of your lungs?” The answer is simply: No. Stomping and screaming will not change the box I am standing in. This was in the cards and it is the hand I have to play until my last card is on the table. Fate is simply just fate. I did not do anything to deserve this. It was just laid before me. Some of us have it easy and others fight like hell until their last breath leaves their soul.

My soul is filled with hope. Hope for a better day. A day where I can wake up without pain, throw the prescriptions to the side, and dance my cares away. For now hope and faith are holding me together. I fight back tears when I look at the healthy 29 / 30 somethings around me. There are moments where I wonder “Why the fuck me!” Then I take a breath and I think “Fuck the self pithy train. AJ duck tape your big girl pants on and strap your self in. Because we are going to beat this fucking thing.” An then I brush my teeth and get ready for work. Because Today has to be better than yesterday.

{False Hope} and Cracker Jacks

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When I was a little girl I held out such hope and wonder for the prize that lay hidden with in my box of Cracker Jacks. Hope that inside the box I would find a decoder ring. I carefully ripped the top of the box off, dug my little hand into the caramel covered goodness, and pulled out the prize envelope. Only to find that I had received another sticker, comic book, or plastic frog. That decoder ring eluded me and I began to think that Crack Jacks lied to me. That they never put a decoder ring in their boxes of yummy goodness and it was just an advertising ploy to sell more Cracker Jacks.

The decoder ring eludes me to this day. Every now and then I buy a few boxes just to see if that decoder ring is inside. It never is and the plastic frog has been replaced with cheap stick on tattoos. Is the decoder ring a lie or is it truly a prize one can find in the bottom of their Cracker Jacks box. We will never know until we peel the top off to find out.

This morning I awoke to yet another Facebook post about a friend being pregnant. This time those words “I’m pregnant” stung and cut through my heart. Why you ask? Its simple this person led me to believe that they could never get pregnant. Because her ovaries and fallopian tubes were filled with scar tissue. I believed her and felt bad for her. An when I found myself in the same infertile boat, I leaned on her for support. Little did I know she was taking my words and twisting them into her own story, using them for her own benefit, and now she is proclaiming a miracle.

By days end her status was filled with hundreds of well wishes, prayers, and congratulations. No one stopped to question the fact that she lied. For years she has told people that it would be impossible for her to get pregnant, let alone carry that child to term. Here she was telling all of us that she is now with child, a child that is a miracle. I am happy for her and glad that she is pregnant.

However on the same coin I wish she would come forward and tell the truth. Because now she is providing hundreds of women like myself with false hope. I was to upset to go into work this morning. So I called A and told him what I had found out. He claimed bull shit right away. There I was crying in the arms of a friend and questioning where my prize was. I told A ” I want a prize god damn it. I lived through hell and what do I get nothing.” He looked at me and said “I hate it when you cry.” Followed by “AmandaJean your prize is better than a baby. Your prize is your life. You are walking, talking, living proof that people can and will survive a pulmonary embolism, stroke, and cancer. An that babes is the best prize of all.”

A is right, life is the best prize of all. He also reminded me that not everyone has a friend who offers to carry a child for her. That not everyone has a friend who will endure weeks of hormone injections to give her eggs away. I’d say I am one lucky woman. My decoder ring doesn’t lie inside a box of caramel coated popcorn, it lies within the hearts of two women, and those women are giving me the greatest prize of all. They are providing me with HOPE that one day I to will be a mom.

At the end of the day I do not need to lie to make myself better or bigger. Some people make gashes out of paper cuts, mountains out of mole hills, and I choose to make the world better by sharing the hell I went through. My five-year old self still holds out hope that inside a box of Cracker Jacks lies a decoder ring. Maybe one day my son or daughter will rip off the box top, reach inside, and come running to me saying “Mommy I found a decoder ring.”

{LOVE} Everyone Wants It

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A very dear friend of my proclaimed this morning that she is giving up on love. She said this after subjecting herself to an evening of sappy movies. No good comes from a single girl watching sappy movies. Had I known she was doing such an act I would have stopped her and told her to watch something funny. However her giving up on love made me think.

Think about the time I proclaimed that I was giving up on love. So many of us are single and for most of us it is not by choice. This is just how we ended up. Some of us are so driven by our careers that we can’t fit in or let alone think about another person. Or maybe you’re a single parent with a one track mind and push your needs a side for the success of your child. Either way we are the only obstacles that stand in the way of ourselves finding love. Love is out there.

It’s out there all right. We dream of it, long for it, and search the ends of the earth until we find it. Sometimes love falls into our lap, bellies up to the bar, or even ends up in our in box. The moment you give up on love you lose hope. Hope is what keeps us a float during the hard times and allows us to dance our pants off during the good times. Hope is what allows our hearts to burst wide open. When your heart burst then you my dear have the ability to give and receive love.

So this is for the singles out there. I know it sucks cooking for one, sleeping alone, and always answering the “Why are you single” question. Have hope that one day the “Why are you single” question will fall to the floor because the one you waited for is by your side. Hope that you will be a plus one, that you will be able to buy those cool dinners for two in a bag, and have someone to snuggle on cold nights. Mr or Miss Right is out there, in time you will find what you’re looking for. Be patient and enjoy the single life. Because one day you’ll look back and realize that being single wasn’t so bad.

{Alucious} Sophia’s Big Cousin In Heaven

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People have been asking me “How are you doing with your Sister’s pregnancy? Your parents must be so happy.” In reality it hurts. Every day I go out into the world I am reminded that my son is in heaven. That for some reason God chose him to sit upon the clouds. My family has become a flutter of baby prep, traveler bobs, cribs, clothes, and baby all day every day. My parents do their best to walk on egg shells and try not to mention Sophia’s arrival.

Egg shells are not needed. This was Gods plan and the hand I have to play. Sometimes I wonder what would Alucious be like. He would be walking by now and I wonder what his laugh would sound like. Would he have blue eyes and curly hair like me, or would he look like his father. Yea, the father that walked away when he died. The ex-husband blames our divorce on Alucious. That his death created a wedge. The wedge was all ready there, he just helped me kick it out-of-the-way.

At the time Alucious died I did not see any good in the situation. I only saw anger, failure, and pain. Failure because God didn’t have faith in me to see Alucious through. In truth I had faith in God but not in myself. I had to learn to look beyond the gray and have faith in the light. All good things come in time. A few months after his death I was diagnosed with Uterine Cancer and now I am cancer free. The cancer took every last shred of hope I had for a child, as the Doctors rendered me infertile. Cancer sucks, but not being able to have a child sucks even more.

Then again when another door is forced shut a window can be pried open. Angela has given me her word that she will place a baby in my arms. One day I will meet a man who understands that 1. My son died, 2. I can’t have kids, but hey Angela can, and 3. Its your sperm and not my egg. Alucious deserves to have a brother or sister on earth. For now I am settling for a muppet like dog.

We will do everything we can to let Sophia know about her big cousin in heaven. She we lay beneath his mobile, the turtles dancing over head, and in her a dream will be realized. My sister JammieLeigh is going to share Sophia with me and I will be the best Aunt possible. I have a feeling that she will be calling me to get her our of trouble and to trick her Mom into giving her ice cream for dinner. Sophia is a gift, a beautiful life, and she will have an angle on her shoulder. As I am sure Alucious will spend his days playing with her in the breeze, stomping in the puddles, and rolling in the dirt.

Alucious lays beneath the Birch tree. So perfect, so beautiful, and at peace in this place of wonder. I face the sun and in its warmth I know he’s here and his life was not in vain. My son would want me to be put together and happy. I owe it to him to live the best life possible and to create something beautiful out of his memory. Alucious Gregory may not of graced this earth but for a moment, yet his tiny life has made me a Mama to a baby in Heaven. An I am greatful to be his mom down here on earth, while he plays on the clouds of heaven.