{Go Red} Barbara Ann Is Why I Go Red

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In 1987 my mama met Barb on the night shift at the Seminary Home and they became fast friends. Barb supported my mama during my childhood illness, lifted her up and gave her hope that my surgery would go well. Barb was rooting for me.

Barb followed my mama to Rem Park Heights, together they worked side by side on the night shift for 15 years. Barb took care of the ladies, my mama the men. They had each others backs and kept each other company though the quiet nights. Well mostly quiet, my mama and Barb have some pretty great stories from the night shift.

Barb had a huge heart, she loved on all of the babies and I was lucky enough to be one of them. She has been apart of my life for as long as I can remember. Barb sold Avon and my mama loved her some Avon products. I loved going with my mama to pick up our order, mostly because Barb always had a hug and a treat for me.

Chocolate bars are like the go to Halloween candy choice, and I trick or treated for a bag of candy I couldn’t eat. My mama would always have us trick or treat at Barb’s house and she would always put a huge bag of gummy bears or sweet tarts into my bag. Ms. Barb didn’t want me to be left out, so she always made sure I had something to enjoy too. Barb went out of her way to make me feel special.

When my mama got stuck at work doing paper work Barb would pick me up and take me to school. The oldies station was always on and Barb greeted me with a smile and “morning doll face!”

Doll face, she always call my Doll face. When I was ready to start using makeup my mama brought me to Barb. I remember sitting on her living room floor as she explained lipstick, eyeshadows, mascara, foundation and skin tone to me. She told me “girl you’ve got pale skin, stick with pinks!” Barb told me “a pretty girl always washes her face before bed.” I took her advice and always wash my face. I bought my makeup from Barb up until the day she stopped selling it. Avon was my brand and she will forever be my Avon lady.

I would give anything to hear “Doll face” right now. Barb passed away from complications of an enlarged heart on January 2, 2015. My mama couldn’t believe that her best friend was gone. She called Barb’s brother Greg and he confirmed that she was really gone. My mama lost her best friend of 28 years and I lost my second mom. Barb was one heck of a friend to my Mama and together we are navigating a world with out her. Barb had so much love for all the babies, dogs (especially George), and the people she took care of. Maybe that is why her heart was so large. So large because she loved with every ounce of her heart.

Barbara Ann is why I go red

{Go Red For Women} When A Doctor Fails

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We have talked about the statistics. We talked about the warning signs and about what to do when someone is having a stroke. What we have yet to talk about is that sometimes doctors fail.

On October 14, 2009 I went to the Alina clinic in Woodbury for my yearly exam and birth control prescription renewal. The doctor was more concerned about whether or not my insurance would pay for the pap because I was a few weeks early. She said “Ya know they only pay for one per year. Your last exams was in November 2008. So they might not pay and you will get a bill.” The doctor actually left the room for a few minutes so I could think about whether or not I wanted my exam. Still to this day I can’t believe she did that.

When she came back in the room she was rushing and barely listening to anything I was saying. I was getting annoyed so I changed my tone and said “look I am really tired, my right leg has been throbbing, I have redness and swelling in my calf and upper thigh. This isn’t normal for me.” The doctor looked me in the eye and said “well you said you haven’t been walking as much. Go home walk and drink more water. Here’s your script. Bye.”

With those words she left the room and I got dressed. If she wasn’t concerned then I shouldn’t be. So I didn’t give it a second though and I went on about my day. As the days went by I wasn’t getting any better. I had shooting pains and major swelling in my leg. Again I brushed it off, drank some water, and walked a little more. I had bigger things to tackle. I finished out my last few days at the pharmacy benefit management company and looked forward to staring my new job that Monday. I didn’t have the time to be sick, so my health it was shoved to the side. After all the doctor she wasn’t worried so I wasn’t going to worry either.

Monday came and I was super pumped for my new job. By the end of the day I did not feel well. The shooting pain was moving up my leg into my stomach and I had this massive head ache. When I got home I took some Tylenol and went to bed. I woke up fine on Tuesday and set out to conquer day 2 of my new job. I felt fine all day Tuesday. Wednesday afternoon would prove to be difficult. I had this pain it felt like someone was dragging a knife up and down my right side. My leg was so swollen it barely fit in my pants and I just felt sick. When I got home I took some Tylenol and went to sleep.

Thursday October 22, 2009 I woke up feeling fine. I had slight pains in my chest, I chalked it up to a cold and headed out to work. Fuck me, the freeway was bumper to bumper and I was worried about being late. I continued on I94, as I drove the pain in my chest kept on getting worse. It felt like thousands of knives poking me and when I tried to take a deep breath it felt like trying to inflate a tiny balloon. Again I said to myself “don’t worry you will be fine, all you need to do is make it to work, take some Tylenol and drink some water. My condition worsened, by the time I reached Saint Paul I could barely breath, my arms were going numb, my heart was racing, and I, I was fighting. Lexington Parkway, I made it there and took the exit. I drove all the way back to Woodbury. I remember thinking do I go home or do I go straight to the Hospital.

I chose the hospital and that is where my morning unraveled. The doctor ruled out a heart attack and he was leaning towards a respiratory infection. I apologized profusely for taking up their time. My blood oxygen level was below 50% and the doctor paused for a moment and asked if I was on a birth control I told him “yes, Yes I am. I am on the Nuva Ring.” The Doctor explained the risks of blood clots and the D-Dimer test to me. He told me, its most likely not that, but we want to be safe. The results came back and the results were not good. I was in trouble. I was sent off to CT and with in forty minutes the blood clot was found. I had a blood clot the size of a ten cent gumball in my left lung. It was wedged in the main valve leading from my left lung to my heart. My lung had signs of infarction, I had 20% tissue death in the lower portion of my left lung. My heart was barely getting any blood nor was my body getting the vital amount of oxygen it needed.

The Doctor ordered the highest dose of Heparin possible. He talked to me and tried to explain everything that was going on. A nurse he noticed that my blood pressure was climbing. I remember looking at the nurse and saying “I feel really light headed, like I am sinking, and and……..” In that moment I lost my words. In that moment I had a stroke. The staff gave me clot busters and started the Heparin drip. I was not going home for a while. At 26 years old, just five days shy of my 27th birthday I almost died. My life was forever changed and I was left to chart my course as a survivor.

In the coming days I would learn that my stroke was 100% preventable. On October 14, 2009 I described the tell tale signs of a possible blood clot in the leg. She knew I was on the Nuva Ring which was known to cause blood clots. All my doctor had to do that day was listen to me. She had the ability to order a D-Dimer, that test would have signified that I had a clot somewhere in my body, instead she dismissed my concerns and sent me home. Preventable was the hardest pill I had to swallow. I went through hell because a doctor didn’t give a fuck about me, she was more concerned about my insurance company paying than my health.

I had to endure three weeks of Lovenox injections, seven months of INR checks and take warfarin sodium in an attempt to keep my blood thin. Worst of all because of her oversight that day, I can no longer carry a child. OBGYN’s are suppose to bring babies into this world, not take away a woman’s fertility. They are suppose to advocates for women’s health and not be the reason a woman’s health fails. I was on a birth control, so as I told her “Hey my leg hurts, its swollen, red, and warm to the touch.” A red flag should of went up and she should have done her duty and ordered the D-Dimer. Her lack of concern made me dismiss a shit ton of red flags. I thought “the doctor wasn’t concerned, so why should I be concerned?”

The beautiful thing about a woman’s body is that, it never steers her wrong. I should have listened to my gut and pushed for a second opinion. That one doctor changed my perspective and now I fight for my own health. I am not afraid to ask for a second, third, or forth opinion. I will not give up or in until I find someone who is just as passionate about health as I am. I will be damned if I ever get dismissed by a doctor again. To be honest I don’t trust doctors anymore. They are only as smart as the paper their license is printed on.

The OBGYN I saw that day is fully aware of what happened to me. She actually called me and apologized. I said to her “Your apology cannot bring my lung function back, it will not restore my ability to have a baby, and it will not make your lack of concern OK. You can shove your apology up your ass. What’s done is done.” I cannot undo what she did to me, but I sure as hell can make sure no other woman endures my fate. If my story saves one woman or makes one woman pause and ask her doctor “what is my risk.” Then the hell I went through on that day was worth it, because I was able to make a difference in another woman’s life.
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{Go Red For Women} A Thriving Survivor #IsWhy

I have no problem walking into the capital building and speaking to legislators. Send me to D.C. and I will spread the message to congress that research is the key to a healthy tomorrow. Speaking to strangers, is no big deal. I love talking to folks about heart healthy policies and the importance of medical research. Using my voice to change your tomorrow makes me ok with the fact that I cannot undo the past. It allows me to be ok with having a stroke and a pulmonary embolism. Mostly using my voice has allowed me to heal and come into my own as a survivor.

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Every year at the Go Red Luncheon they hold a casting call to find the Spokeswoman for next years campaign. I sat down in front of the green screen just for fun and never thought in a million years that they would pick me. Pick me to be a part of the 2014-2015 Go Red for Women campaign. I got the email in early June and I was excited, nervous but very excited. I almost talked myself out of the opportunity. The email came on the heels of my neck surgery and I was still out of sorts. I wasn’t going to let a swollen neck and illness stand in my way of making a difference. With the support of my family and friends, I said yes and hit send.

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At the photo shoot I got to meet an amazing group of ladies. We went around the room introducing ourselves and sharing our stories. All of us have been touched by heart disease and stroke. Most were survivors and others lost a love one to heart disease. In that moment I didn’t feel like an oddity, in this room I belonged and they understood my heart healthy journey. In this room Life was Why. All of us faced uncertainty and the cards they were stacked against us, but we chose to thrive.

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Thriving means sharing your story and educating the women around us. In away we are pioneers, we went through the worst day possible, picked up and moved on. On to tell an amazing tale that leaves you questioning your own heart health. I was 26 years old, just 5 days shy of my 27th birthday when I had a massive pulmonary embolism with infarction and a stroke. My only risk factor was that I was taking a hormonal contraceptive. Until that moment I had no idea that the Nuva Ring or any birth control for that matter could almost take my life. To me birth control was harmless and it never crossed my mind that it could be deadly. Birth control increases a women’s risk for blood clots and stroke. This, this fact is the very reason I chose to share my story. I do not want another woman to endure my fate, knowledge is power and being your own healthcare advocate is the key to survival.

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“A Second Chance Is Why, I Go RED”

We have all had that moment where we wished we could have a second chance to make things right, to live a little more, and to love with all of our hearts. I do not have to wish, because I am living my second chance. Five borrowed years and counting. I almost died 5 days before my 27th birthday, I got the greatest gift that year, I got the gift of life. A second chance to make my mark on this world. A second chance that allowed me to carry a child. My son’s feet never touched the ground yet he made one hell of an impact as wings were placed on his shoulders. Divorce, no one said second chances were perfect. I filed eight months after my stroke and I moved out on independence day.

I got a second chance to fall in love with myself and to come into my own as a young stroke survivor. I rented my very first apartment, adopted a dog, changed jobs, and started dating. In order for me to find love I had to heal my surviving heart. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was broken, that I would never be able to have a child of my own, and that I wasn’t always going to be there cup of tea. It takes a special type of man to love a woman with a surviving heart. Charlie, was my shooting star. He would always tell me “babe I am so glad I get to be your second chance love.” Fate stepped in and took him out before I got to say I do. My surviving heart broke the day he died.

Yet I persevered and continued my mission of educating women about the dangerous side effects of hormonal contraceptives and propelling heart healthy policies forward. I held my niece in my arms and promised her that she will grow up in a healthier tomorrow. I buried myself in my work and watched the world melt around me. Only to realize that I wasn’t living every moment of my second chance to the fullest. With time my heart healed and I dusted off my dating shoes. Fate, she likes to mess with me and love it eluded me. That is until one snowy November day it walked right up to me and as they say the rest is history. Finally! My second chance at this thing we call life is shaping up to be a beautiful disaster and I could not be happier.

It’s not just a man’s disease. Heart disease and stroke kill 1 in 3 women, yet it’s 80% preventable.

{Hearts On 22} Scales Are For The Birds

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I have never been one to follow the crowd or listen to critics. I rather stay in the woods and join the teddy bear picnic. Society tells me I am fat and that I should change. Change, means losing weight and striving to be there kind of beautiful.

There kind of beautiful is not my kind of beautiful. I’m not exactly fat, some call me fit. Others, well they just call me fluffy. Society wants me to be ashamed of my tits, my hips, my stomach, my ass, and my curves that go on for days. Once I was ashamed, I strived and I tried to be skinny. But, skinny wasn’t me, we didn’t work out and I put my size 14 jeans back on.

My size 14 ass has seen a lot of shit. When I look in the mirror I see curves with a dash of strength and a twist of determination. My body, she is powerful and she is amazing. She has never let me down. She beat the odds to walk another day. Scars are stories that left an imprint on your soul. My scars, shit I’ve got more than I can count. The newest one is a really cool neck scar and it is a reminder to always fight for answers.

Answers never come easy and sometimes you kind of wish you stayed in the woods. People stare at my scar, they look me up and down when they find out I had a stroke and lord they hit the floor when they find out I have a son in heaven. We are never told that sometime the fairytale sucks and that shit gets deep. Life isn’t fair and we are never prepared for the short deck. Yet we must always play the hand we are dealt and love the only body we will ever have.

My body is beautiful. Beautiful because it carries my surviving heart from place to place. I will never be a model, a hottie or hell even a heartthrob. I am simple and unexpected, and someone out there cannot get enough of my kind of beautiful.

Rock what the good lord gave you, put down that diet book, throw out your scale, and girl start loving yourself! Strength and determination are fucking sexy and they look good on YOU! Girl, you are not a bird, stop eating like one and enjoy food. As in really enjoy your life and have a little fun along the way. Kiss a stranger, dance in the rain, be daring, and never ever give up on your sweet self!

{Go Red} The Story of A Woman’s Heart Is Why

IMG_6414-1When people find out that I had a stroke, they look at me like I have an infinite amount of wisdom. Wisdom,
Ha I am only 32 years wise and there are things I will never begin to understand. I, I am just a small town girl who had a stroke and some how I get to do big things.

If you would have told me five years ago that I would get to participate in a photo shoot and a PSA commercial to raise awareness of heart disease and stroke in women. I would of probably giggled and said “you’re nuts!” But here I am, it’s been five years and I am thriving. Brave doesn’t describe it, I am baring my soul for the public good. I am putting a face to a horrible experience.

Yet on the same coin, I am raising awareness that strokes can and do happen to perfectly healthy young women. That birth control has and does cause serious life altering side effects. I am raising awareness that, before the affordable care act, young women like me couldn’t afford health insurance. We put off going to the doctor because it was expensive. Now I truly can put my health and mostly my heart first.

I love with all of my surviving heart and I do not back down from challenges. Because I, I survived the worst day possible. I am more than a stroke, I am more than the collateral damage Merck accounted for, I am more than a survivor, I am a woman with a vibrant heart. I am first and for most a mother to my son in heaven and a mama to a Muppet like dog. I am an Aunt, a Daughter, a Sister, a Friend, and a Girlfriend. I am many things and I play many roles, yet survivor is one that I will never give up.

I am proof that every horrible situation has a silver lining. Six months after my Stroke I found out I was pregnant with my son. My heart was full and I felt vindicated. That somehow God still believed in me and that good still existed in this world. Even thou Lucia never took a breath, he is my greatest joy. He is the reason I do what I do and I want him to be proud of his Mama on earth.

My P.E./Stroke and death of my son were not the end of my horrible bad days. They were just the beginning and those moments of utter disaster gave me the strength I needed to put myself first and walk out of a loveless marriage. Eight months after I had my pulmonary embolism and stroke I filed for divorce. Surviving taught me to listen to my heart and to put myself first. A woman’s heart will never steer her wrong.

It’s been almost five years since my divorce was finalized and I have never looked back. I had to come into my own and figure out who I was. Surviving is only half the battle. One cannot simply just survive, they need to thrive. Once you start to thrive, you start living again. I rented my very first apartment, adopted a dog, changed jobs, found myself, and started dating. I’ve had my moments where I swore to myself that I would be single forever, only to be swept of my feet. Love it eluded me, but I finally caught it with my butter fly net! Its an amazing feeling to be in love with a man who loves every inch of my surviving heart!

I own everything that has happened to me. This is the story of my heart and I would not trade it for anything in this world. It’s mine, I have loved every moment of this beautiful disaster that I call “my life.”

But mostly, I have spent the past five years encouraging women to be their best health care advocate. Encouraging women to be brave, to go against the grain, and mostly to fight for themselves. The moment we give up and give in, is the moment we lose hope. No woman deserves to fight alone, all of us are in this together until the bitter end.

{2014} Life Lessons with a Hint of Glitter

Image (6)2014 was one crazy beautiful disastrous year and all I have to show for it is a really cool neck scar. I’ve been telling people I got my scar in a bar fight, sadly no one believes me. I need to practice my stick in the shower and then just maybe someone will believe my bar fight story!

I have to stop myself when I look back and realize how far I’ve come. February brought tears and mixed emotions. The six year fight against Merck was finally over. Merck does not have to admit wrong doing, they just swept us under the rug and carried on as usual. We were nothing more than the collateral damage they had accounted for. Merck created a $100 million dollar slush fund to compensated 3,800 women for their injuries caused by the Nuva Ring. No amount of money will undo the damage and it will never make us whole again. I was never in this for the money, I I wanted to make a difference and to make sure no woman endured my fate.

Fate is a funny thing, some might say 2014 was the year of the Cancer scare. Cancer didn’t scare me, even when my name was put before the “C” it didn’t shake me. It humbles me to know that God didn’t bring me this far to bring me down. This was the year that I listened to my gut and urged doctors to look deeper. A sore knee lead me to a neurologist who ordered a multitude of MRIs and CT/PET Scans. Those scans lead to a fine needle biopsy and that biopsy lead to the removal of my lymph nodes. Surgery went well, however my recovery was anything but. A nasty surgical site infection was a tiny piece to the unfolding puzzle. In late July I was diagnosed with an auto inflammatory disease. I am still learning how to move in my new normal.

Steroids and anti inflammatory medications had me feeling like my old self by August. 2014 was the year of being wise enough to know when to fold them. The Manhuman moved in and out in August. He and I were never meant to be. I am a go getter and well he just took up space on my couch. I couldn’t let someone live off of me, so I threw in the towel and took back my space. He moved out and I moved on.

Moved on to take road trips with my Dad and discovered new not so boring places. The state school for abandoned and neglected children was both heart breaking and amazing. Finding one of our own among the rows of the children’s cemetery took my breath away. Iowa proved to be beautiful and the Bily Clock Museum did not disappoint. Niagara cave was more of a bust than a wonder. Now circus world, now that lived up to its name. Wisconsin Dells with my mama is always a good time and wine tasting with my dad is the best way to spend a weekend on the north shore.

I am so crafty, that I bleed glitter. When I think of 2014 I think of a never ending river of spray paint and refurbished furniture. Who knew spray painting a dumpster find would be so much fun. Yes I AmandaJean actually dumpster dove. Well not really, it’s more like I alley picked and went for the items next to the dumpster. If it was near a dumpster it still counts as dumpster diving in my book. I let my creativity flow and discovered a new sassy crafty side of myself. I now have this crazy obsession to design and build a tiny home out of reclaimed materials and repurposed items. I also want to have back yard chickens. Yes my own little flock of laying hens. I need chickens in my life.

Life this year was full of firsts. Sophia said “I love you Auntie” for the very first time and my heart melted into the floor as I scooped her into my lap. Her little face lights up when I walk into the room, her hand practically falls off as she excitedly waves and shouts “HI! Auntie Mannie! HI!” I love Sophia’s little voice and her sassiness. For a two year old she is bold, holds her own, and is as sweet as pie. Watching her personality grow throughout 2014 was a joy. I can’t believe she is almost three. Time sure does fly when you are having fun.

The fall brought lessons and heartbreak. It’s hard when you realize your male best friend was never your best friend. That you were just a pawn in his emotional game. That you meant nothing and that he was embarrassed to call you his friend. His true colors were on display and our friendship was eliminated. Breaking up with your friend is hard. But in the end it showed me exactly who my true friends were. They are the people who love me for me. They accept my flaws, laugh at my blunders, and cheer me on in moments of doubt. Mostly they are the ones who give me the strength to change the world.

Change occurs when we least expect it. I finally have the type of love you read about in books and watch unfold on the silver screen. I have an amazing man that I do not have to chase. He tells me that I am beautiful and that I am the missing piece to his puzzle. In his eyes I am perfect. Jay thinks my flaws are beautiful, he digs my kind of crazy, and loves that I am a strong quirky woman. He is exactly what I didn’t know I needed. Even I couldn’t have imagined this type of soul connecting relationship. It feels like I have known him for a thousand years. When I am with Jay the world melts away and I get lost in the moment. For the first time in three years I have allowed myself to feel, to connect, and to fall in love again. I finally have my movie worthy romance!

2014 was more than a Cancer scare and it was more than a diagnosis of a disease that has no name. It was about living in the moment and remembering to find the beauty in the disaster.

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{Divorced Life} Emotions In My Pocket

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The above quote has kept me going on my toughest days. At the end of the day we are all just little nuts trying to hold our ground. What we do with that ground is what matters. What matters is that we hold steady in the winds of change and stay true to who we are when the storms end.

My life has been anything but easy and there are moments where I look up and say “why me?” I didn’t choose this life, it chose me. I am the human Bermuda Triangle and I always brace myself for hurricanes. I have built up walls to hide the hurt and to keep people out. My heart it’s been broken and patched a time or two. I am afraid that if I put it out there it will get sucked right back into the triangle.

Survivor, that’s a term I hear over and over again. I want to be more than a survivor. I want to be more than a grieving mother, friend and fiancé. I want to be more than broken. Broken is what people see when they look at me. I am strong and mighty on the outside, but on the inside its a different story. I live with one foot in the now and one in the past. Emotions, I am not good at dealing with them. I tuck them in my back pocket and march on.

I cannot out run my emotions, or the heart ache, or the fact that I survived, and definitely not my past. In order to move on I need to face the very things that made me who I am. I need to embrace the very things that terrify me and to realize that I too am human. I, I need to face my shit and deal with my neatly pocketed emotions.

When I deal with the past, face the ugly, and own my shit I will be able to face myself. I want to have healthy long lasting relationships. I want to actually connect with a man on a deep you know all my secrets kind of level, and to stop pushing my dearest friends away when I feel they are to close.

Year 32 is going to be the year of been there, done that, and I owned my shit. It’s not going to be easy, yet I am not scared. My family and friends are cheering me on and all of them think owning my shit is a good idea.

After all in five short years I had a stroke, lost a child, got a divorce, lost friends, fell in love, lost my fiancé, got sick, and yea the list goes on………. It’s time to face all of those things and to deal with the emotions of the past. I am finally ready to face what’s in my back pocket and mostly I am ready to face myself.

{Hearts On 22} Five Borrowed Years

Top right photo was taken one month after my PE and Stroke

Top right photo was taken one month after my PE and Stroke

I honestly cannot believe that it’s been five years. It seems just like yesterday when I set out to work oblivious to what this day would hold. I still remember what I wore and that I was upset because I forgot to buy creamer the night before. It was a free jeans day and I wore a gray cardigan with a white eyelet button down peasant style top and jeans paired with cranberry colored flats. It was also day #4 at my brand new job. I was busy learning the ins and outs of replevin work and didn’t have the time for inconveniences.

On Tuesday night I felt this excruciating pain rush through my body. I barely made it through the evening rush hour drive. I came home put my purse down, took some Tylenol and crawled into bed. Wednesday morning I was right as rain and went on about my day. On October 22, 2009 I woke up with a mild nagging pain in my chest. I didn’t think anything of it, figured I was coming down with a cold and brushed it off.

My body was screaming for help and I, I just ignored the signs. I had reached the Sun Ray shopping center, the pain was getting a little worse, still I brushed it off. A few miles down the road that nagging pain turned into what felt like a thousand knives cutting me at once. Breathing was proving to be difficult and my arm was going numb. I’d try to breathe deep, my lungs they fought back and I had to make the decision call mom, no not an option she will panic. Pull over, no you are afraid to be stuck on the side of the road. Oh look Lexington parkway, take the exit.
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The exit, I took it. To this day I have no idea how I made it to Woodwinds Health Campus in Woodbury MN. The only thing I remember is throwing the Prius into park and collapsing into the security guards arms. Some how by the grace of God I made it to safety. When I came to the ER staff ruled out a heart attack and a panic attack, labs were ordered and I apologized for taking up their time. The doctor thought I had an infection in my lungs and ordered an x-ray and labs. As he left the room he turned on his heel and asked “by chance are you on a birth control?” I quickly said yes and he explained what the d-dimer test.
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The d-dimer was ordered, my oxygen level was less than 50%, my heart was in sinus tachycardia and my blood pressure continued to climb. I, I was in rough shape. While on my way to x-ray the doctor shouted “where are you going with her? I canceled the x-ray.” I was feeling relieved and waited for him to tell me I had an infect and he was going to send me home. I didn’t get the news I wanted. With caring eyes he told me “the d-dimer came back glaringly positive we need to get you to CT ASAP. He quickly explained that the contrast die could prove deadly but the benefits out weighed the risk. I signed my name and into the scanner I went. They said it would take about 90 minutes for my results to come back.

I watched the clock and counted down the minutes. I could hear the phone ring, the doctor picked it up and said “shit! You have to be kidding, you are not!” Code blue was sounded and I heard a rush of feet come towards me. Within seconds every available hand was in he ER. He took my hand and said, “I am sorry AmandaJean you have a blood clot in your left lung that is blocking the main valve to your heart and your lung sacs have ruptured. Your body is not getting the oxygen it needs and you dear are going to be staying with us for a while.” My brain couldn’t comprehend how dire the situation was. My blood pressure went above 210, I told the nurse I felt woozy, one said it was just the pain meds, another looked at the monitors and said “the fuck it is, she is having a stroke,” he hit the panic button.

Clot busters were shot into my chest, thrombolytics and other medications were being pumped into both arms. I was alone, alone and fighting for my life. The ER doctor walked next to my bed as they were bringing me to the elevator bay. We stopped, he said AmandaJean do you know what’s down that hall? No I said. The morgue, I should be putting you on a slab instead of in a hospital bed. If you had been five minutes later your story would have been different, never ever forget that.
GoRed 2014
It took a few days for the gravity of what I had survived to sink in. Friends came and visited me, my parents and than husband stood by my side. My life became a series of injections, INR checks, scans, nerotherapy sessions and doctor visits. I was alive and that is what mattered. Almost dying 5 days before your birthday steals your innocence and changes your perspective on life.

I didn’t just survived, I thrived. The ultimate gift was given to me, not many people get a second go around. I treasure every moment of every day, because I know that if I were five minutes late my story would have ended with my ashes in an urn. Survivors rarely talk about the guilt that they feel. I walk this earth with a scarlet letter glued to my head and people tell me that I shouldn’t have a bad day, because I survived the worst day possible.

Yet in the quiet moments I feel guilty that I survived. In the past five years I have said goodbye to more friends than one soul can handle. I survived only to watch my son slip away, I took a seat at Adam’s funeral, wrote a eulogy for Connor, only to follow-up a few years later with a eulogy for Charlie, said a tearful thank you to Dr. Delahaunty, and held my friend Jilliann’s hand as we said goodbye to Trinity. I have been surrounded by so much death and heart ache. I can’t make heads or tails out of who lives and who dies, God definitely has the upper hand on that one.
heart on the hill
Hands I’ve got two and my knees are worn from praying. My scars are healed, my body is somewhat back to normal, yet my emotional scars remain. Emotional wounds are he hardest wounds to heal. They slowly disappear with time. Anger was replaced with hope and that hope gave me the strength to make a difference. The guilt it is a reminder that four people had to die so I could be the one out of five who survived. I live each day of this crazy life for them, its the only thing I can do to honor those who went to soon. I vowed to spend my days advocating for those who no longer can and that they would be more than their deaths. Their stories deserve to be told. In one sheer moment of disaster I found my passion. I found that I had a voice and that I had the strength to stand up for myself. I signed my name on the dotted line and became a plaintiff in a product liability lawsuit against Merck.
go red4

The Nuva Ring took a lot of things away from me and on the same coin it gave me a life that even I couldn’t have imagine for myself. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there and share the most vulnerable moments of your life. Sharing my journey allows me to educate the public about the dangerous side affects of hormonal contraceptive. Sharing my story has allowed me to shape the view points of politicians and to propel heart healthy policies forward. I owe a lot to the American Heart Association, they took me under their wings and gave me a platform. That platform has allowed me to grow and come into my own as a survivor. I am not ashamed to say I had a Pulmonary Embolism and Stroke, I am more than those events, I am more than a survivor, I am and will always be a small town girl who set out to change the world.
large group Lobby day
The past five years have been a beautiful disaster and I am proud to claim it as my own. Because of quick action and research my life was saved. Every day the American Heart Association gives funds and encourages researches to tread unknown waters. Without the AHA we would not have CPR or advances in heart surgery, early stroke and heart attack detection. Research is why. Advocacy is why. Life is why. Second Chance is why. Without the AHA there would be no why in this world and we would have no hope for a heart healthy tomorrow.

I am incredibly thankful to my Woodwind’s care team, without them I never would have gotten to experience pregnancy followed by loss, then divorce, a little adventure followed by a whole lot of love and mostly without them I never would have gotten the chance to hold my niece. Without them my story would have ended at 26. Instead I got five beautiful borrowed years on this earth and I plan on borrowing a few more. Because life, its only just begun.common thread

{MN Heart Walk 2014} Why Will YOU Walk?

This Saturday thousands will descend on Target Filed, not for a Twins Game, but to walk for a purpose. To walk in memory of a loved one, in honor of a survivor, for themselves, and to show their support for others. They will walk on behalf of the American Heart Association to raise awareness and funds to stop the number one killer of all Americans. Minnesota is home to the largest Heart Walk in the country and words cannot describe how moving it is to see thousands of people walking for a better day. The MN Heart Walk means I get to put on my survivor shoes and walk for those who have touched my life.

I walk for Emma, she was the first infant in the state of Minnesota to receive a heart transplant. Sadly she died 3 years later due to complications of the common cold. Thou her life was short, she made a huge impact on pediatric cardiology. What they learned in those three short years is helping save thousands of babies each and every day. Emma may be gone from this world, but she will never be forgotten. Since her passing Minnesota has become a leader in pediatric cardiology and we have a tiny little girl to thank for that. I walk because Emma never got to grow up, she never got to graduate from high school, go to college, travel the world, and because her sister Chloe got cheated out of having a best friend.

Ice Cave 16My Father Greg is my best friend, psychologist, sounding board, and my compass. No matter where I go in this world I always manage to find my way back home. I walk because God gave my father a second chance. Twelve years ago I was a freshman in college when I got the call that he was fighting for his life. His body was weak, his heart was sick, yet there was a small ray of hope. Knowing that he was at the Mayo brought us hope, they did not give up and they put this broken man back together again. They fixed his heart and 10 years later he got to say hello to his first granddaughter. Research saved his life and it will continue to save the lives of others. Without research we have no hope.

Hope is what keeps me a float on bad days. October 22, 2009 was one of the worst days of my life. It was the day I became the very survivor I was advocating for. It’s still hard for me to believe that my hormonal contraceptive device almost took my life. I drove myself to the ER with sever chest pain, shortness of breath, and a whole other mess of complications. They quickly ruled out a heart attack, yet they knew something was terribly wrong. The ER Doctor explained it was most likely an infection in my lungs and that I would be out of there in no time. For some reason unbeknownst to me he stopped in the doorway turned around and asked me “by chance are you on a birth control?” I quickly replied yes and he asked the nurse to order a d-dime test. I was being wheeled to x-ray when he stopped the nurse and told her to bring me back. I will never forget the look on his face and the fear in his eyes as he explained that the d-dime test came back positive. I got a CT-Scan and within 30 minutes a code blue was issued.

_MG_2225 I was in serious trouble, a blood clot in my left lung was blocking the main valve to my heart. I was in sinus tachycardia, my oxygen level was falling and my blood pressure was rising. In laymen’s terms “I was fading fast.” Clot busters were administered and my stroke was stopped in its tracks. The highest dose of Heparin was administered and I would be staying a while. The ER Dr. walked with us as they rolled me to the elevator bay. He took one look at me and said “remember for as long as you live, that you should be going down there, that’s the morgue and not upstairs. Very very few people survive this. Remember that!” I walk because I got to blow the candles out on my 27th Halloween themed birthday cake.

Research has allowed me to live a vibrant life and it has given me five borrowed years on this earth. In those five years I said goodbye to my son, stepped out of a loveless marriage, moved to uptown, adopted a muppet like dog, fell in love, became an aunt, found a job that I love, but mostly I shared my story and found myself. None of the fore mentioned would have been possible if it were not for the life saving research that is funded by the American Heart Association. I walk because their research saved me.

{Hearts on 22} Why I Go RED

Left: 2009 /  Right 2013  Looking back and celebrating 4 years of Survival

Left: 2009 / Right 2013 Looking back and celebrating 4 years of Survival

On October 14, 2009 I had my annual check up and birth control renewal appointment. My Doctor asked me if I had any concerns. I said yes. “Yes I do, I have this incredible pain in my leg and it won’t go away. My leg is deep red in spots and I am having head aches.” The doctor said and I quote “oh you just need to exercise and drink more water. You will be fine.”

October 22, 2009, 7:00am I was driving through rush hour traffic when my chest started hurting. At first it was just annoying and I thought “oh I will just take some Tylenol when I get to work. It’s nothing.” The pain kept on getting worse and worse, my heart started racing, at this point I could barely breath. Again I though “I will make it to work, take Tylenol and I will be fine.” I kept on driving. My situation wasn’t improving, my arms were starting to feel numb, I was becoming light headed. I thought to my self “should I call my mom. No, don’t do that she will panic. Should I pull over and dial 911? No, don’t do that you don’t want to be stuck on the side of the road. Oh look Lexington parkway. Take the exit.”

I did take that exit and somehow by the grace of God I drove myself to the hospital in Woodbury. The last thing I remember is seeing the security guard hold out his arm and I collapsed. I woke up to a nurse telling me “I can either cut your clothes off or you can help me take them off.” The staff had all ready hooked me up to monitors and an EKG machine.

The doctor came in and said “well we know you are not having a heart attack but something is wrong. I think you might have an infection in your lung. Well take an X-ray and get you some meds and you will be out of here in no time.” Ok I said. Then he stopped turned around and said “are you on birth control.” Yes I said. He ordered more tests.

My heart had been in sinus tachycardia for over an hour, my oxygen level was below 40 and I was fading fast. The D-dime test came back positive and a CT scan was done. A blood clot the size of a 10 cent gum ball was blocking the main valve to my heart and my body was being starved of oxygen. Within minutes of this discovery, I had a stroke.

The ER staff was kicked into high gear and the life saving efforts began. Clot busters were injected, they gave me the highest possible dose of Heprin, and my life was saved.

But what gets me is this “this all could have been prevented if my OBGYN had truly listened to me, she could have ordered the d-dime test and the clot would have been found and it would never have traveled to my lungs.” I almost died 5 days before my 27th birthday. I got the best gift in 2009 and that was my life.

So please listen to your heart and mostly your gut. If something doesn’t feel right keep on pushing until you find the one doctor who will listen to you. Don’t end up like me, I learned the hard way. Now I never take a doctors word at face value and I ask questions.

One moment changed everything, I was robbed of my youth and now I am going RED because no woman deserves to fight alone.