You have no idea how excited I am to put my twenties behind me. My twenties were amazing yet terrible at the same time. In truth I wouldn’t trade them for the world, they made me into one hell of a woman.
In ten short years I traveled the world, graduated college, bought a Prius and a house, got married, became a mom to Nylan, had a pulmonary embolism induced stroke, became a mama to a baby in heaven, got divorced, adopted a muppet like dog, hit rock bottom, and found myself. The only thing in the above equation I plan on repeating in the next ten years is travel, marriage, house, prius, dogs, and kids. Thats it no ifs ands or buts about it. Then again I of all people should know that we really don’t have control over our lives. The only thing I can control is how well I live my life. An I am determined to live one hell of a life.
Not having a plan used to scare the crap out of me. Now its a thrill. When I walked out on my ex husband I didn’t have a clue on what my life was going to be like. I just knew that it had to be better and that someone out there would love me. I dabbled in dating only to come up empty-handed. Turns out Mr. right was waiting in the wings. Charlie was an amazing man who was brave enough to take on my baggage. He patiently waited for me to drop my bags at the door and walk into his life. Charlie made me feel like anything and everything was possible. Mostly he showed me that love does exist, it’s not just a dream. Love is worth waiting for ladies, it truly is. The biggest lesson of my twenties was “don’t go for Mr. Right now, instead hold out for the one who takes your breath away.” Don’t get me wrong, I will always have a tiny place in my heart for my ex husband, at the end of the day he just wasn’t the one.
My ex showed me what it was like to be last. Scott always put my wants, needs, and well me last. I was never a priority in his life and what I needed didn’t matter to him. My dreams were shoved to the bottom of the pile, heck I gave up law school for him. Yet, I am glad I met Scott. Because without Scott I would never have met Nylan. Nylan will always be my first son and one of my greatest joys in life. This equation proves that there is always good in the bad, we just have to pick out the good parts and sweep the bad a side. You can guarantee that Nylan and I will continue our bond into my thirties. Any man I date will have to realize that I have a date with Nylan one Saturday a month and that date will never be cancelled on.
Dates are funny little things. Some dates stick in our minds and others leave us forever changed. I am not talking about dating rather the dates on our calendars. April 3 2005 Scott and I had our first date, November 13 2006, Scott asked me to marry him, and on May 31 2008, Scott and I said I do. October 22, 2009 is a day I will never forget. That was the day I had my PE induced stroke. May 12, 2010 was the day I found out that the child I was carrying had died and June 27 2010 was the day I walked out on my marriage. August 13, 2010, was the day I adopted the muppet like dog. On September 24, 2010 I quit my job and on December 23 2010, my divorce was finalized. May 27 2011, was the day I started at the big firm. January 27 2012, I became an aunt, February 6 2012, was the day I started at the little firm and on February 16, 2012 Charlie died. The above dates are forever engraved in my memory. All other dates are irrelevant and are trivial compared to the moments that changed my life. Each and every one of us are a collection of dates. Dates tell us how far we’ve come, how long we’ve loved, and how long someone has been gone. My hope is to only add happy dates to the running list during my thirties. Lord knows I could use some happiness to go along with the bad.
I’ve stuffed a lot of living into ten short years. Even I look back and think “Holy Shit AJ! Do you realize you’ve been to Egypt, lived in a Palace, snorkeled in Alaska, and Zip Corded trough the jungles of Belize?” Then I look at my scrap books and say “Yup, I sure did!” Incredible is the one word I’d use to describe my life. Its been incredibly strange, awesome, and darn right tough at times. Hitting rock bottom gave me the strength to dig out and find my way to the top. Now that I am on top, no one will ever knock me down again. The past ten years have taught me to hold my ground and to fight for my place on the mountain. My heart is strong and I have vowed to never lose myself again. I am going to savor my place on the mountain and enjoy the time I’ve borrowed.
I am going to enjoy the time I have on this earth and will not dwell upon the past. Sure I have questions that will go unanswered. I will never understand why my ex husband stopped loving me or why I had to be the one who suffered a PE induced stroke. Mostly I’ll never understand why God called my son Aloucious and Charlie home. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around what was going through that drunk drivers mind the day that Charlie died. Nor will I ever understand why my ex husband chose to stay in Vegas and push his grieving wife a side. I just know that one day it will all make sense. That in life we cannot have the good without the bad. It has to make sense, otherwise every moment of the past ten years was worthless. My faith tells me that each moment is part of a grander plan. I may not understand that plan, yet I am willing to go where ever fate takes me.
A Toast:
To one more incredible borrowed year on this earth. May year number 30 be filled with love, adventure, hope, and more laughter than one soul can handle. Goodbye 29 and Hello 30!
It’s hard for me to believe that three years have all ready come and gone. I am a different woman, my strength is through the roof, and my spirit does not quiver at challenge. I’ve spent the last three years working my ass off to get my body back, did some rearranging in my life and found myself. I am greatful that I had the pulmonary embolism induced stroke, without it I wouldn’t be the AmandaJean you know and love. Without it I would still be the shy wife sitting at home wondering where my husband was. Instead I am a woman who wonders what will my future hold.
My future is uncertain, today is all ready here, and my dreams are best left to fate. Fate is what brought me here. Three years later it still bugs the shit out of me that my whole ordeal could have been prevented. Had I not used the ring and if only my doctor did the test. The blood clot could have been detected be for it hit my lungs and my heart. A day doesn’t go by where I do not say a silent prayer for those who didn’t make it. Four had to die so I could be the one out of five who survived.
Spending time with Nylan and my niece Sophia
I am the one who lives her life for the four who didn’t make it. I live my life for all of the woman who never got to meet their nieces, hug there kids, or say I love you to their fathers. Those women and their families got cheated out of a lifetime of stories. While I cheated death and gained another chance at life. This is my third go around (I almost died when I was little) and I know one day my luck will run out. But until that day comes I am vowing to live one hell of a life filled with love, advocacy and adventure.
My body has been through alot. I am ok with the fact that it will never be the same. Trust me I’ve spent countless hours trying to will my pre-PE body back, it didn’t work. I decided it was best to work with what I’ve got and to celebrate everything it can do. My body has brought me to some pretty great places and it did after all carry Aloucious for a little while. I am doing my best to take care of my surviving heart. Walks with the muppet like dog and an organic diet keep me strong. Feeling winded reminds me to be humble and to thank the lord for my third chance at life.
The third time is a charm. I am not sure what God has in store for me, I just know he didn’t bring me this far to let me down. I’ll never know why this happened to me. I cannot change the fact that it happened nor can I turn back time. So I choose to move forward and not dwell on the why but more so the how. Then again the how makes me a little angry so I usually skip that too. I channel my emotions into advocacy and community awareness. This keeps me sane and reminds me that every dream is worth fighting for.
It is my dream that during my third lifetime we will put an end to heart disease and stroke. To silence the number one killer of women in America. It is my dream to see stricter regulations and warning labels on hormonal contraceptives. No woman who pops the pill or uses the ring should have to experience the hell I’ve walked through. I’ve got a big dream, this I know. However I have faith that one day it will come true.
So here is a toast: A toast to one more incredible borrowed year on this earth. A year filled with love, adventure happiness, and more laughter than one soul can handle.
Thank You
When I think about the staff at Woodwinds Health Campus in Woodbury and more importantly my nurses and Dr. Anderson thank you just isn’t enough. Without them I would not be alive today. I am forever in debt to my care team and I am greatful for what they did that day to save my life. Mostly I am greatful because they believed in me and knew that I would bounce back.
Thank you to all of my friends and family who have been there since day one of my heart healthy journey. Without your love and support I wouldn’t have made it this far. Thank your for listening to me complain, drying my tears and cheering me on to a better day. That day we’ve dreamed of is here and I am greatful to have all of you by my side.
“No great idea in its beginning can ever be within the law. How can it be within the law? The law is stationary. The law is fixed. The law is a chariot wheel which binds us all regardless of conditions or place or time.”
– Emma Goldman
Today the world lost one heck of an Attorney and I lost one incredible mentor. I can still remember the day I got summoned to Gerry’s office. I was scared and held my breath as I pushed the elevator button. Only to be greeted with “you like to ask a lot of questions” and a smile. Gerry was glad that I asked questions and dared to do more than what my job duties said. My long hours hadn’t gone unnoticed and my efforts were being complimented. To him I was no longer AmadaJean a temporary case assistant, I had become AJ the go to girl. If I couldn’t get it done or fixed then well no other assistant could. My questions led to more work and one on ones. The seasoned attorney took me under his wing and shared his passion with me.
Gerry shaped my career and gave me the tools I needed to change the world around me. I can still hear his voice say “Well if they don’t get in the buffet line, they are going to walk away hungry. Because they are only serving the people who rsvp’d. No rsvp, then no plate for them.” I would give anything to hear the “buffet line” analogy one more time and to be sitting across the table from him. Gerry’s mind never turned off, he was one step ahead of the game, and he expected you to put in everything you had.
I am a better paralegal and lobbyist because of Gerry. He taught me to have passion and to love what I was doing. No task is to small or mundane when livelihoods are at stake. It only takes one person to care and when that happens others will follow suit. When I look back on my career working at Gerry’s side will be a highlight and I will always cherish my days on the GCCF crew. In those days I gained one of my greatest cheerleaders and one hell of a mentor.
None of us know when our last day is going to be. None of us know how important someone is until there gone. If only I had a few more moments to pick his brain and one more chance to say “Thank you.” Gerry dared to test the status quo, he dared to beg to differ, and in the end he brought justice to thousands. All I can do now is repay him by doing the same.
Holy, its hard for me to believe that I will be 30 in 31 days. I am excited to say goodbye to my 20’s and hello to AJ 3.0. My 20’s were one crazy ride. The past decade was filled with, love, advenutre, loss, learning , and so much more. So take a stroll with me as I recap the good, the bad, and the down right funny parts of the past decade.
20
During the fall of 2002 I started college at the University of Wisconsin Superior and managed to fall in love with a boy from Sri Lanka. Made some great friends and took part in all of the activities that the Northland had to offer. I met my greatest mentor Dr. Maria Cuzzo and she taught me everything there is to know about the law.
21 Ah! Finally I am legal. Legal to drink that is. However my 21st birthday was a bust. I was sicker than a dog with mono that October. It sucked. Anyways at 21 I came into my own as a bi-racial woman and started speaking at different conferences around the state. In the fall I applied and was accepted to the Wisconsin in Scotland program and was pretty darn pumped for living abroad. I spent most of the year plotting my trip overseas. The Sri Lankan and I saw our first anniversary. Man, back then I thought one year was a huge accomplishment. If I had only known right. That spring he and I drifted apart and I was once again single an ready to mingle. Well I didn’t really mingle.
I spent my summer working at the St James Hotel in Red Wing and saved every dime I made for my trip to Scotland. That August my Mama wrapped her arms around me and waved good-bye as I walked towards the ticket counter. I am not going to lie, I was pretty darn scared and had no fucking clue if I would make it over seas. Scotland was everything I hoped it would be and I got along great with my roommates. In September I wondered the streets of Paris, tanned on the beaches of Sardinia, rode the funicular in Barcelona, and sailed the canals of Venice. I had been to the Edinburgh Tattoo, seen the Queen of England in Person and took in the highland games.
22
I set off to find my place in the world, I didn’t find my place, instead I found myself. Scotland taught me that I can do anything and that life is one hell of an adventure. I had an amazing 22nd birthday in Scotland and returned home that November forever changed. I was no longer the shy sheltered small town girl, I was now a citizen of the world and a shadow of my former self. I gained so much strength. In January I said goodbye to the Sri Lankan boy and said hello to Scott.
Scott walked into my life that April and he brought a little boy along as well. I fell head over heels for this man and I knew within a few months that he was the one. Scott and Nylan were a package deal and I loved them both with all of my heart. In the fall I started my senior year and plotted my next overseas adventure. Joy and I spent our fall prepping for Egypt and our pending graduation. I lived it up with my sorority sisters and took my speaking skills to the national stage. I got a kick ass LSAT score and was filling out my law school applications. I applied to four that fall. My heart was set on LSU Baton Rouge.
23 In January Joy and I took off for Egypt. Traveling with my best friend was a great way to say good-bye to our college years. We explored the Great Pyramids, the Valley of the Kings, sailed the Nile, and ran from creepy Egyptian men. Joy and I will always have the night train. Ah, yes the night train. Motion sickness got the best of me and Joy growled at the hobos as I puked my guts out in the not so nice bathroom. I swear to God that train popped out of 1920 something. I made some great friends on our trip and was forever changed by my journey to the land of the Pharos.
That Spring Scott and I saw our first anniversary and I began making plans to move in with him that summer. Law School was put on the back burner as I focused on finding a job and being a Mom to Nylan. Woodbury would become my new home and I quickly learned what it was like to live with his brothers. His dogs became mine and I started to build a new dream. Jenny Craig was my first job out of college. I felt a little defeated, my heart laid with the law and without experience that was out of my grasp. Yet, I made the best out of the situation and kept on pushing for something better.
24 In November Scott and I took a cruise to Mexico and Belize. We took doon buggies to the ruins, zip corded through the jungles, and fell deeply in love on the high seas. The Monday after we returned from our vacation Scott asked me to come out to the garage. He explained that Nylan had left something for me and directed me to my Halloween porch kids. Nylan left something for you in the skeleton’s bag, reach in and see. No I said, it might be a spider. Scott got me to reach in, to my surprise the object was square. As I pulled it out and turned around Scott was on one knee. He asked me to be his wife and of course I said yes. This was one of the happiest days of my life and I was now the proud owner of a calla cut butterfly engagement ring.
In January I said good-by to Jenny Craig and Hello to Express Scripts. Life was great. I loved my job and our relationship was going strong. Wedding planing became my top priority and lucky me I found the dress of my dreams in March.
I needed to itch my travel bug so Scott and I planned a cruise to Alaska that September. It was chilly, yet incredible. Once again he and I fell in love on the high seas.
25 Whoever said your cube mate can’t become your best friend was wrong. Lisa and I bonded over wedding planning and puppies. She is one of the most incredible women I know. Today she is no longer my cube mate, instead she is my best friend. Scott and I were getting tired of living with his brothers and we set out to find a home of our own. We looked at more than 30 houses until we found the perfect one. Nylan said he wanted a red house and that is exactly the color of the house we bought and called our home. I spent most of the spring making the red house our home and putting the final details on our wedding.
That winter I started the paralegal certification program at the MN Paralegal institute. I excelled at my courses and my teachers would ask “um why are you here, you know the law and can draft.” Well I am here because no one will hire me unless I have a paralegal certificate. I spent some evenings after class helping my classmates understand the law and proofing their drafts.
On May 31st, 2008 Scott and I said I do with Nylan at our side. It was a beautiful day filled with love and family. Together we were unstoppable and our love bubbled over.
26 It seemed that the home we bought to bring us together was instead ripping us apart. A rift was formed. Scott had done things I couldn’t forgive. Yet with the walls crashing down we planned another cruise. This time we were headed for Europe and Africa. At times I wonder why we even went. Maybe we thought the magic we had before on past cruises would find its way in and that we would fall in love once again. Love didn’t find its way in. I had few words to say. yet I held on for Nylan’s sake. He deserved a home. To those around us we looked like the perfect couple. In reality we were far from that.
Change was brewing in the wind. That October I took a job at a law firm in Plymouth. I was excited for this new adventure, yet sad to leave my friends and the safety of Express Scripts.
I was excited to start my new job on the 19th of October. I hadn’t felt well that weekend and I just wrote it off as nerves. On the 21st I had terrible pain through out my body. It felt like someone was trying to cut me open. I took some Tylenol and went to bed early that night. On October 22nd I never made it to work, instead I made it to the ER and was fighting like hell to survive. When I arrived at the ER I could barely breathe and my chest felt like a thousand knives were stabbing me. This would be the day I learned what a pulmonary embolism was and on how lucky I am.
27
I almost died five days before my 27th birthday. I was still finding my way as a survivor and dealing with the aftermath of my blood clot. My life revolved around lovenox, INR checks, drs appointments, and so on. I was sick and tired of it all. Mostly I was tired of being married to a man who didn’t love me. I wanted a man who was moved by the fact that his wife almost died, instead I got pushed to the bottom and cheated on. Yet he promised me that our life was going to be better and that he was going to try harder. That December we had our first Christmas with Nylan in Minnesota. He had an incredible day and enjoyed playing in the piles of snow.
We learned in January that the blood clot had finally dissolved in my lung and that I was half way out of the woods. Once we got that news we decided that Scott + AJ = baby. In April we found out that we were expecting.
To me this was the silver lining. My moment to say that I survived one of the shittiest things in the world and now my body is carrying life. In this moment Scott and I were Happy. The world seemed to stop spinning and love slowly seeped back into our marriage. He talked to my growing belly and would say with a smile “We did it bear.” That we did. Our pregnancy was high risk and we knew the odds. I held out hope that our baby would make it and that we would say hello in a few short months.
Hello never came. In May we said goodbye. Sherri held my hand and dried my tears as I sat waiting in the hospital. We both knew why we were there. She held on to my wedding ring as I went into surgery. When I came out I was no longer with child, I had become a mother to a baby in heaven. My son’s death showed me just how little I mattered to Scott. It showed me that I needed to call it quits.
That June I met an attorney who told me “It all comes down to a judgment call. There are no winners or losers in divorce. Someone has to walk away first.” I heard that on Friday June 25th 2010 and walked away from my marriage on June 27th. It was easy leaving Scott. It hurt like fucking hell when I said good-bye to Nylan. I loved that little boy with every fiber of my being. He was and will always be my son.
I spent the rest of that summer learning how to be unmarried and rescued the muppet like dog. The muppet quickly became my trusty little side kick and he is totally the best dog ever. it was me and the muppet like dog against the world. I tucked my ring away and set out to find myself. Part of finding myself was to quit my job. I hated the law firm I worked for and decided I was done. Of course I was scared. I didn’t have a plan or a fucking clue what I was going to do next.
28
Me and My Mama at my Birthday Lunch
I actually got a job offer on my 28th birthday. It didn’t pay well. I didn’t care a job is a job. I started dating a little and made new friends. I was creating the life I wanted and had been waiting for. I came to turns with all of the shit that happened during year 27 and walked into survivorhood with grace.
I was no longer a Cohen. My divorce was finalized on December 23rd, 2010. Merry fucking Christmas to me. I was one very happy divorced woman and those papers proved that I was now a free woman.
In the spring I tried on a pair of lobbying shoes. To my surprise they fit and when I opened my mouth people listened. By May I had enough of the bullshit at my $12 an hour job and set off for something new. Enter the big downtown firm. I must admit I was scared half to death to start working there. The attorney from last June and I fell on bad terms. I had no idea if he was going to try to sink me. My lovely friend Lisa talked me into taking the job. She was right I had as much right to work there as he did.
In truth, I shined. Before I knew it I was the go to girl and had 12 attorneys emailing me for assistance. They didn’t care that they had their own assistant, they wanted me. They wanted AJ. I will admit, I worked my summer away and eventually worked myself sick. Yet I was happy to be apart of something huge and I now know more about fishing than I could have ever imagined.
Charlie and I started dating off and on that summer. He was in NY most of the time, yet we made it work. I slowly fell in love with my best friend and started spending more days at The Ivy. Life at 28 was perfect. I loved Charlie, Loved my job and the muppet like dog.
29 At 29 work became my life. I barely had a social life and at times Charlie got mad at me. This is where I learned that trying to prove yourself isn’t necessary. By Thanksgiving I had worked myself sick, barely slept, and rarely did anything outside of work. Something had to give. If the big firm wasn’t going to give me a permanent position I would find a firm that would. I had several interviews and few call backs. I had started to give up and was accepting my fate as a temp. In late January I got a call, a firm wanted me. I accepted and said my good-byes and left the big downtown firm. I made a lot of great friends there and will always remember the late nights and crazy hours I put in to make someone’s life better.
Oooo, I became an Aunt. Yes, this is definitely a highlight! My niece Sophia and I are 29 years and four months apart, totally cool if you ask me. I love that little girl with all of my heart.
Speaking of love Charlie sat on his coffee table and asked me to be his wife. Of course I said yes. My world was once again perfect. I had a new niece, I was on the mend, engaged, and I loved my job again. Once again I felt like this was my calm after the storm and that nothing was going to destroy my bubble. Bubbles burst way to often in my life. I should know by now that when things are perfect, it take one little prick to burst my happy.
Charlie passed away on February 16th and I was heart-broken. He never even got to meet my niece Sophia or my sister for that matter. Charlie would have loved Sophia. Saying good-bye was hard and I can live the rest of my life knowing that Charlie loved me with all of his heart. There are days where I can feel him around and on others I look up and say “stop pushing Charlie, I can do it on my own.”
An that I did. I proved to myself that I am more than a survivor, I am one hell of a woman with one incredible story. Charlie’s death taught me that memories are worth more than dollars. I have spent more time with friends, uttered I love you more often, snuggled with niece, and spent time with my family. Life is precious and it is worth living. The ultimate lesson of year 29 is “Putting memories into you memory bank is more important than the balance in your bank account.” I will never again work my life away. I will be damned if I let moments slip away because of a work deadline. I have learned to say no and walk away at 6pm. I deserve a life and you know what my bank account doesn’t miss the overtime.
One thing is for certain My 30’s have to be better than my 20’s. I hope that there will be less pot holes and more smooth black top ahead of me. Life is a journey worth taking an I am going to hold on tight. The next 10 years are going to be awesome. I hope to find love again and start a family of my own. Hell I just might entertain the idea of law school or something awesome like that. I do know that I will keep on blogging, so grab your tickets and in 31 days come see AJ 3.0 in action.
Life has a way of moving on and healing our wounds. We cannot have happiness without pain. They go hand in hand. A life without pain is a life not lived. There are those who sit safely at the road side and never dare to get on the track. Then there are the dreamers who keep on running until their dreams run out.
I’d like to believe that I am a dreamer and that I will run as far as my surviving heart will take me. My Mama use to tell me “If you believe in yourself, anything is possible in this world. You my child can do anything that you are brave enough to dream up.” We are braver than we think we are and smarter than we could ever imagine.
I have to be brave, some days being brave is the only thing I have to hold on to. Take dating for instance, to me dates are always like job interviews. You exchange the niceties, job info, life status and so on. Over the past few years I have become guarded and do not spew my life story on first date. Instead I choose to hand it out one layer at a time. Some parts have caused men to run and others chose to stay. Part of me realizes that when I go on a date, I compare every detail of a mans life to Charlie’s life. Charlie is the good that I know and I also take side notes to see if the guy could turn out like the ex husband.
In away I am lucky. Lucky, because I know what worked and what didn’t. Then again I also know what its like to have your heart tore out and stomped on. I have been humbled by the fact that Charlie loved me until his last breath. Charlie showed me that it was possible to love someone with every fiber of my being. He showed me that no matter what happens to us, our love never dies. That love does not disappear when we are gone, it lives on. Love is our legacy.
An I am writing a new chapter in my legacy. I am putting one foot forward and following my heart. Internet dating sites turn my apartment into my own little speed dating session. With the click of a mouse I can say yes or no and move on to the next profile. Truth: I can stand in front of thousands and shout to the world, yet I clam up like a Louisiana oyster on a first date. So for me a string of emails breaks the ice and lets me know what I am getting into. Most of the time I get bored and that string leads to nowhere. But, sometimes I get lucky and meet the person in real life. Well sometimes real life isn’t the best either, there is a reason why I have a google number.
Then there are those moments where I quite the voice in my head and say “just be AmandaJean. Stop analyzing and jus be.” An that is exactly what I did one steamy August evening. I peeled a few layers of my story off over dinner and slowly let a country boy walk into my life. An for now he is a keeper and with each new day another chapter is penned on the pages of my life.
On Saturday I pulled into the drive way of my old house, rang the door bell, and could hear Nylan running down the hall. He peered out the window, his face lit up, he gave me a little wave, and opened the door. “Hi Nans” I said, he quickly threw his arms around me and hugged me as tightly as his little arms could. “I got up early Nannie, I’ve been waiting for you to come today.” I’ve been waiting too I said. I patted Mystra’s head, that old girl is still going strong, Freckles was scared at first, one sniff of my hand sent her clinging to my side. Nylan patted Freckles head and said “Freckles its just Nannie, it’s ok.”
Nylan quickly got dressed. I exchanged a few words with the ex husband and soon Nylan and I were off. Off to a day of adventure. Destination number one was Crystal Cave. When I was married I always wanted to take Nylan to the cave, yet I never did. Time slipped away from me, work got in the way, and Crystal Cave fell to the bottom of my to-dos. Saturday it was a priority. On the drive there Nylan was telling me all about school, his friends, the dogs, renters in his basement, and that he had surgery. Man, he talked a mile a minute. As we drove along 94 he read most of the billboards and freeway signs. As we turned on to the country road leading to the cave I realized that Nylan is no longer the chubby cheeked boy I fell in love with, he is now a smart courageous 8-year-old boy.
As we pulled into the parking lot Nylan whispered, “I’m scared. There might be bats in there and it might be dark down there.” In an attempt to quench his fears I told Nylan that they have lights in the cave and that the bats don’t come around the people. Those words calmed him down and he was ready to take on the cave. Nylan was scared at first and uncertain of the cave. A few random bats flew above our heads as we walked around. Our guide led us through the tunnels and pointed out formations in the rocks. Half way through Nylan was no longer clinging to my side, he was up front walking with the guide. Nylan’s thirst for adventure is still there and he was loving the cave. The final stop on the cave tour is the wish room. In this room the rocks are sticky and you can place a penny on the wall. Its kind of like a wishing well of sorts. Nylan walked around the room looking for the perfect spot.
As I was standing in this room, looking up at the walls covered in thousands of pennies it hit me. It hit me that 22 years ago I was standing in the exact same room looking for the perfect spot to stick my penny. Nylan’s penny would be joining my penny and the thousands of other wishes. I have no idea what I wished for that day nor do I remember where the heck I stuck my penny. Taking Nylan to the cave brought back so many memories for me and I am glad that he loved the cave as much as I did when I was his age.
Saturday reminded me that love knows no bounds and that one simple smile can erase the heart ache. That two years was more like two minutes and that no matter the length of time, nothing can destroy the bond I have with Nylan. Nylan will always be one of my greatest joys and my first child from another mother. It taught me that we all have choices in this world. I could have chosen the clean slate and walked away from motherhood. My divorce was my do over, it wiped my slate clean, and made me a singleton again. Yet I wasn’t willing to throw five years of raising Nylan away. Instead I took my do over card, held on to my step mother title, and on one Saturday a month I will be out on the town with Nylan.
They say a lady knows when she is ready to move on. She knows when to let go of the past and walk into her future with an open heart. She knows how to love like she is dying because the one who had her heart died loving her.
Our lives are nothing but moments. Most of the moments are trivial, however there are the ones that impact our lives so greatly we are forever changed. When that impact hits us we will never walk the same course again. We can dream about what was, we can long for it, but at the end of the day what was will never ever be again. I have come to realize this over the past 7 months, that my life will never be the same.
Over the past three years I have encountered several moments of impact, my blood clot tought me how to survive, the death of my child and the end of my marriage made me into the woman I am today. Those moments were filled with trial and tears, yet those are the moments that changed the course of my life. They charted the course for my life to collide with Charlie.
Collide is what we did. Charlie renewed my faith, taught me that love was more than just a word, and that life was a dream worth fighting for. I have enough memories to keep me company for a lifetime. While I am remembering Charlie, a young man in New York will alway be haunted by the moment he chose to get behind the wheel while drunk. His moment of impact changed the course of his life and that of five families forever.
Because of this man I am not able to say I do, instead I got to say goodbye. That day my dream ended. That day a part of my heart broke and I am afraid it will never be repaired. Justice tells us that he must pay for his crime. Is there really a punishment big enough for someone who took a life, who carelessly turned the key and drove down a freeway drunk. No there is not, if you ask me no there is not. Because for the rest of my life I have to live knowing that he is alive living his life, while my fiance is six feet under. That one day this man may get married and have children of his own, his life will go on once the prison door is opened, it will go on.
Charlie’s life ended that day. He dreamed of having a baby girl named Charlotte Rae, that dream died the moment his heart gave out. One decision, one moment of impact ended all of his dreams. He dream of being the first Native American to sit on the Supreme Court, he dreamed of a better day for his people. He dreamed of a better day for farmers and small business owners. He dreamed so big that those he left behind are stepping up and ensuring that his people will see a better day. That some day a Native American will sit on the bench, and see that large ag businesses will toppel and give way to the family farm.
That man sitting in a prison cell may have taken Charlie’s life, however he will not kill his dreams. Because Charlie’s dreams were bigger than the life he lead. Mostly because that young man will never know a man like Charlie, he will never love like he did, care like he did, or give like he did. Because Charlie was one hell of a man and I thank God every day that I collided into his life for a little while. I can live the rest of my life knowing that one man loved me until his last breath, his last moment of impact.
Someone once told me “Oh you’re 22? Did you know you are supposed to be married by 23 and have the first of your two children by 25?” I just laughed that comment off at 22 and thought society projects the Betty homemaker image on us from the day we are born. No one ever told me growing up that I would have to fight like hell to hang on to what little fertility I have. No one never told me that at 27 I would lose a baby, under go a D&C that would leave my uterus punctured and scarred. No one ever told me that Asherman’s syndrome exists. Not even the surgeon at Allina told me that Asherman’s syndrome was a risk.
Then again the surgeon who did my D&C was so full of herself that she bragged “I’ve never punctured a woman in my 20 plus years of practicing medicine.” I remember telling her “don’t be so full of yourself, I am probably going to be the one you puncture.” With that sentence I jinxed myself and my fate was written on the wall. A fate I refused to succumb too. Two years ago a careless surgeon sealed my fate and took my fertility away. I’ve learned alot of scary things in the past few months. Things like if I were to carry a child to term my uterus could literally tare away or the baby could punch a whole in the uterine wall. If either of these things happened we would both be in serious trouble. Needless to say any pregnancy would be high risk.
As of right now I am single and have no prospects waiting in the wings. Sometimes I think being in a relationsip might make the decision to have the surgery easier. Then again I was without my partner on the day I had the original procedure. I have taken a lot of time to think about this and I can honestly say I am scared. Scared right out of my shoes. This procedure is a one time shot and there is a 50/50 chance for a successful outcome. I have a 50/50 shot of carrying a child to term one day. If the surgery doesn’t work I am without options. It’s hard for me to put my eggs in one basket when I know the odds. The odds are not in my favor, yet I have a small shred of hope that it will work.
I didn’t have a choice in this matter. It happened. Because of one careless surgeon my uterus is broken. Part of me wants to do everything I can to protect what I have left. Then again I think to myself “one day you just might be in a relationship or married. What if he wants children?” That question rings through my mind. They say its best to do the surgery now and not wait until I am ready to have children. If I waited not only will my dream be at stake, but his dream (who ever he is) would be at stake too. I do not want to be that woman who says “Yea we could have had a baby if ya know I had done the surgery when I was 29. I was single then, so oh well.” I have come to terms with my dream slipping away, however I will fight like hell to save the dream for whoever my future partner is. I just can’t think about today. I need to think about my future and how this will impact the rest of my life.
I have interviewed surgeon after surgeon and finally picked one. There are no do overs, there are no other options. I have to leave it up to fate and let lady luck ride. Hopefully she lands on red and I come out a winner.
They say it takes a village to raise a child. Today the village came out to find a child. Scotty a non-verbal autistic boy wondered away from his Prescott home on Tuesday. By night fall there was no sign of the little guy and a call was put out for more volunteers to come out on Wednesday. Sitting in my cool apartment I made the decision to put my heart on my sleeve and head to Prescott the next morning. After all it is the 4th, I have no where important to be and hey this family deserves to have their little boy home.
I wasn’t exactly sure where the high school was in Prescott, I didn’t need to worry either. I just followed the stream of cars up hwy 10 and was soon in line with about 400 other people waiting to register for the search party. Once registered, we were funneled into the gym, briefed, and loaded on buses. They said it would be hot, there would be bugs, and mostly to watch out for rattle snakes. Armed with my water I set off with my group searching in the fields. There was no place I rather be.
I have never met Scotty or his family. I just knew I had a pair of eyes, two legs, and time to give. That if I were in their shoes I would want someone to do the same for me. That they deserve to have their little boy come home alive. Losing a child sucks, I know that first hand. Everyone in our group was positive, energized, teary eyed, and filled with hope. Hope that Scotty would come home today.
Word came that a child had been found. Some were quick to clap and cheer. Others stood silently as we awaited confirmation from the Sheriff that the child was indeed Scotty. 20 minutes went by without word, a group across the field erupted with joy. At that moment we knew it was true. I have never hugged so many sweaty strangers in my life. We all cheered, clapped, and cried happy tears at the news Scotty was reunited with his parents. That he was all right and that tonight he will be resting safely in his parents arms.
My happy bucket is overflowing and my heart is full. Watching this community come together to find a child they didn’t know is a moment I will always remember. A moment that I will always remember because I cared enough to get up early and search for a child that wasn’t mine. This is something we all should do. No one ever got hurt by giving to others. Share your love, your life, and in the process you will bring hope to the community around you. Do this and you will live an incredible life.
Most of us will never know what its like to be bullied. Some of us are the bully and have no idea the harm we’ve cause. Then there are those who turn their heads and wish the problem went away. If we didn’t see it, then it never happened. Those that turn their heads are left wondering why when a young child takes their own life or when violence breaks out in the schools. The head turners could have stood up and stopped the fray before it boiled into outrage. They could have saved a life.
A couple of months ago I googled an old classmate, I heard rumors that she had sued a hotel for sexual harassment. Funny, I thought, you are suing someone for the exact same thing you did to me. The tables were turned and now she had found herself in my shoes. It probably never crossed her mind that she was once the harassor. I’d like to believe that somewhere deep down she has a heart and maybe slightly understands the pain she caused me. April was one of the people who listened to Sara and gathered her friends to make my life miserable. Rumors and laughter flew at my expense. I was either dumb, fat, ugly, and so on. They made fun of my clothing, my hair, my makeup, and the way I talked. Day in and day out this occurred within the classroom walls. Teachers didn’t care, they just turned their head, while I was dying inside.
It came to a head at our Choir’s annual Christmas show, that night was the worst. There taunts were terrible and down right sick. I was fighting the tears and lost it when I saw my Mom. I was crying so hard I could barely breathe, my Mom took my hand and told me it was going to be all right. When we got home my Mom told my Dad and he was furious. I told them “It’s no use the school isn’t going to do anything because Sara’s dad works for them.” My Dad didn’t give a shit and called her parents up that night, it wasn’t pretty but I do believe he got his point across.
You must know that I have been Sara’s target since the first grade. I have no idea why but I was always the subject of her torment. The morning after the choir concert my Mom demanded to meet with the principle and that set the ball in motion. The principle listened and made it very clear that Sara would not receive special treatment because her Dad was a school employee. Teachers and students were interviewed, the truth it came out. Just as I had stated Sara was harassing me. The principle left her punishment up to me. I told her “I just want to be left alone. Just stop.” Sara apologized to me and her Father apologized to my mother, he had no idea of his daughters behavior and made the comment “she got her punishment at home.” I figure what her Daddy dealt her was probably far worse than what I could come up with or what the school could do for punishment.
Life went back to normal, she left me alone. Yet the pain was still there and every step I took was filled with fear. Fear that they would start in again and try to break me down. I was trying to find my way and gain my strength. Slowly it came back. I knew college would be my ticket out of that small river town. After I got my diploma, I threw my hat in the air and burst into tears as my Mama wrapped her arms around me. I was not crying because I was happy to graduate. I cried because I was finally free. Free of their torment, free of the lies, rumors, and the pain they inflicted upon me. Mom told me once “Mannie, sticks and stones will break your bones, but words they will never hurt you.” My Mama was wrong, words they hurt, they hurt worse than a break and are forever etched into your soul. Their words have stayed with me.
Leaving Red Wing was the best thing I have ever done. Outside the limestone bluffs I found freedom. I look at Facebook updates (funny how they want to be my friend now) and see that most of them haven’t accomplished anything and hell a few are still living in Red Wing. When I left my wings were broken and weak. I often say I set out to discover my place in the world, but what I really found was myself. Its true I did, living overseas allowed me to put the past in the past and to fight for myself and my dreams. I grew a lot during my college years, developed real friendships, fell in love, and dared to live a life without fear. My life was no longer plagued by my tormentors I had set myself free. For the first time in years, I finally believed in me.
I have to believe that deep down both Sara and April know that what they did was wrong. Sara is currently pregnant and my only hope is that her son or daughter does not run into a girl just like their Mother. Maybe Sara’s son or daughter will come to her with tear-stained eyes and crying about the bullies that torment them at school. Maybe then Sara will realize the pain my Mother felt that night when her daughter came to her broken and tired of living a life of pain. Maybe Sara will realize the pain she inflicted upon me and then seek forgiveness within herself. Because forgiveness is something she will never get from me, I can forget, but I will never forgive.
Forgiveness is something I will never have for Sara or April. Now Cameron on the other hand I forgave, I forgave him because his wings were broken and his heart couldn’t go on. I forgave him one hot August day as I stood before his casket I whispered “May you find peace in heaven and know that I hold no hate towards you. I forgive you, now rest on the clouds of heaven.” I forgave and then started a chapter for the Light for Life Foundation, a suicide prevention program on my college campus in his honor. His friends were shocked and surprised that he never told them how he was feeling. I wasn’t surprised, he knew exactly what they were and that they would have made fun of him. He didn’t even trust his best friend with his pain, instead he chose to suffer in silence.
No one deserves to suffer in silence. Bullying is a terrible thing. I urge you to find the strength within yourself, stand up, and stand out until someone will listen to you. Suicide is not the answer, nor is violence. You can cut the cycle by standing alongside and speaking up for the bullied. Never turn your head away, open your heart and find it within yourself to give them the strength they need to survive. Dry their tears, hug them, and whisper “Go Ninja Go” into their ears. Then, they will know that they are not alone.
I plan on repeating in the next ten years is travel, marriage, house, prius, dogs, and kids. Thats it no ifs ands or buts about it. Then again I of all people should know that we really don’t have control over our lives. The only thing I can control is how well I live my life. An I am determined to live one hell of a life. 
Nylan will always be my first son and one of my greatest joys in life. This equation proves that there is always good in the bad, we just have to pick out the good parts and sweep the bad a side. You can guarantee that Nylan and I will continue our bond into my thirties. Any man I date will have to realize that I have a date with Nylan one Saturday a month and that date will never be cancelled on. 
It was chilly, yet incredible. Once again he and I fell in love on the high seas. 
Have Bear Will Travel 