Words cannot begin to describe how proud I am to be Sophia’s Aunt. Sophia is the sweetest little ninja and she all ready has me wrapped around her finger. Soon she will be using her kung fu skills to take over the world. For now she is thinking and taking it all in.
After Ben’s sister and friends left he asked me “So do you want to hold your niece.” I blurted yes and he handed her over. Turns out I was the first person in our entire family to hold her. Ben didn’t even let his sister hold her. This was a special moment.
As I held Sophia in my arms I looked over and noticed my sister with tears in her eyes. Tears because she was watching her baby sister hold her baby. I told her “We have matching scars now!” She cracked a smile and Sophia nestled her head into my arms. She knew she was safe with her auntie and soon she was a sleep.
We talked about my son and the fact that I will not hold a baby of my own. She asked me if it bothered me. I told her “You never really get over the death of a child. You just live with it.” Thats what I do. I take each day as it comes and hope for the best. I spent the evening telling Sophia stories from our childhood. Stories of our adventures, turtles, and my travels over seas. An of course I told her all about Target and promised her that I’d teach her how to make a mean cookie. Sophia stretched her arms out and made little punches. This little ninja came out fighting 🙂 a ninja after my own heart. Sophia is a Ninja and I have no doubt that she will change the world.
Rumor on the street is that you are coming tomorrow. That means your birthday will be on January 26th. I think that’s a mighty fine day for my niece to be born.
Sophia you are being born into a legacy of strong women and a blood line that is grounded in the tradition of the Ojibway nation. Your great great Grandmother Grace suffered and endured so that you could be free. You are possible because she knew that one day it would be ok for Indian people to marry white people. That is your how your Grandfather got here.
Your Grand Daddy has been through hell and back. Next month marks the tenth anniversary of his heart attack. Your Mama and I are thankful that our Daddy is here to see his first grand baby. When you are older I will tell you why I call Grandpa Pete. Pete isn’t his real name. Just know that you are like butter in your Grandpa’s hands and he will do anything for you. If he says no just ask Grandma. She always gives in.
Your Grandma is one hell of a woman. Her name is Sharon and she was one of the first females to hold a heavy equipment operators license. Grandma drove a dump truck and she taught us that “Women can do a man’s job and we can do it better than they can!” Your Grandma never let your Mama and I quit.She will do the same with you. Grandma will tell you “Sophia there is no such thing as I can’t. Because you can do it.” If Grandma tells you no ask Grandpa. He always gives in and will make you promise to not tell Grandma that he gave in. Thats how your Mama and I got what we wanted.
This brings me to your Mama. You’ve been hanging out with her and by now you know she is obsessed with purses. I’m sorry but she will subject you to her purse obsession. Your Mama is a strong woman. She doesn’t think she is but that girls got fight in her. JammieLeigh is her name (Grandma had a thing for double names) and she is a force to be reckoned with. When your mama and I were little we would play in our fort in the woods for hours on end. She was captain Jammie and I was her trusty sidekick the boobie bird. I had a cape and goggles that I wore to play the part of the perfect side kick. Where ever your Mama went the Boobie bird (don’t ask) wasn’t far behind her. Thats how our lives have been. Together we make the perfect team and I am honored to have woman like your Mama as my sister. In Red Wing your Mama and I are simply known as Greg’s girls.
People know not to mess with our family because we’re like a miniature country. You mess with one you mess with all of us. Lucky for you your Auntie (that’s me) is a lobbyist and she is making the world better for you. Instead of using my fists I use my words. Your Mama knows how to shoot a gun {I fear for your future dates} and well I can sail the get away ship. Thou I hope things never come to that point.
Sophia my wish is that we will never need to sail a gate away ship. That is unless we find our selves in shark infested waters. Then I’d want to sail a get away ship. Seriously thou I know you will do big things and that you are going to be one incredible little lady. Go easy on your Mama and just know that she’s gullible. I once I had her believing her car was possessed. Wait…wait it still is. So if you don’t want to go to school just tell her you saw a monster in the driver’s seat. Trust me she will believe you.
Now to the serious part. Sophia you have the power to change this world and make it better for the next generation. I hope you grow up to find a career that you love and don’t consider it work. Never lose your sense of wonder, never forget to dream, and live with your heart wide open. You are a ninja and ninjas never give up. Make your own road and let the stories of the past ground you. As long as you believe in what you are doing you can never go wrong. My son will be the angel on your shoulder and he will watch over you. He will always make sure you come home. Know that no matter where you go in this world I will always love you.
You Sophia are a life worth fighting for. Your mama will fight tooth and nail for you. My promise to you is this: I swear to you that I will do everything in my power to make medications safe for women. That you will not have to endure my fate and struggle to get you back. You will not be lost in this world. You my dear girl have strong women that will ground you and an angel looking out for you. You will live a life that dreams are made of.
Some of us can go our whole lives without knowing a heart transplant patient. When you do your life is forever changed and you are greatful for the gift.
In 1992 Emma Maurene became the first infant in the state of Minnesota to receive a heart transplant. Emma was born with an under developed heart valve and was admitted to the University of Minnesota Hospital on the day she was born. At three months old she had her heart transplant in St Louis Missouri. Someone had to go first, to prove the odds wrong, and champion the way for other infant heart transplants. There was no better fit than this little girl.
Emma was a beautiful little girl. Full of life, smiles, and laughter. She fought a good fight giving it her all until the bitter end. Shortly after Christmas Emma was admitted to St. Johns Hospital in Red Wing, and like other times she was flown to the University of Minnesota to have her condition cared for. The common cold would prove to be to strong for this little girls body to fight off. Sadly Emma passed away on December 29th, 1995.
The church was packed to the gills, hundreds came to say goodbye to a tiny little girl. Her love and her zest for life is what carries us. Her memory brings peace knowing that in those three short years they gained more knowledge that would allow them to save little girls like Emma all over the world.
Emma fueled my involvement with the American Heart Association and the National Organ Donor Program. My uncle use to have a bumper sticker on his truck that read “Recycle Yourself and Save A Life.” Its true each and every one of us are capable of saving a life by donating our organs. One family had to make a heart wrenching decision when their child died, that child’s heart, gave my uncle and his wife three years with Emma. An now Emma is saving lives. The University of Minnesota is now a leader in pediatric heart transplants, they got this information and learned from our Emma Maurene.
Emma is close to my heart and when I am on stage advocating for heart health I think of her. Her Daddy was robbed of his little girl. Jeffery never got to watch Emma go on her first date, graduate from high school, or walk her down the aisle. Instead he got to say goodbye on a snowy December day. I think of all the Fathers I have met and how they tell me heart disease robbed them of their daughter. Of how hard it was to watch their little girls slip away.
Heart disease is the #1 KILLER of Women in America. If you ask me, we need to stop it in its tracks and put it to bed once and for all. Every woman you meet is someone’s daughter and their Father’s deserve to see their lives unfold.
When I was a little girl I held out such hope and wonder for the prize that lay hidden with in my box of Cracker Jacks. Hope that inside the box I would find a decoder ring. I carefully ripped the top of the box off, dug my little hand into the caramel covered goodness, and pulled out the prize envelope. Only to find that I had received another sticker, comic book, or plastic frog. That decoder ring eluded me and I began to think that Crack Jacks lied to me. That they never put a decoder ring in their boxes of yummy goodness and it was just an advertising ploy to sell more Cracker Jacks.
The decoder ring eludes me to this day. Every now and then I buy a few boxes just to see if that decoder ring is inside. It never is and the plastic frog has been replaced with cheap stick on tattoos. Is the decoder ring a lie or is it truly a prize one can find in the bottom of their Cracker Jacks box. We will never know until we peel the top off to find out.
This morning I awoke to yet another Facebook post about a friend being pregnant. This time those words “I’m pregnant” stung and cut through my heart. Why you ask? Its simple this person led me to believe that they could never get pregnant. Because her ovaries and fallopian tubes were filled with scar tissue. I believed her and felt bad for her. An when I found myself in the same infertile boat, I leaned on her for support. Little did I know she was taking my words and twisting them into her own story, using them for her own benefit, and now she is proclaiming a miracle.
By days end her status was filled with hundreds of well wishes, prayers, and congratulations. No one stopped to question the fact that she lied. For years she has told people that it would be impossible for her to get pregnant, let alone carry that child to term. Here she was telling all of us that she is now with child, a child that is a miracle. I am happy for her and glad that she is pregnant.
However on the same coin I wish she would come forward and tell the truth. Because now she is providing hundreds of women like myself with false hope. I was to upset to go into work this morning. So I called A and told him what I had found out. He claimed bull shit right away. There I was crying in the arms of a friend and questioning where my prize was. I told A ” I want a prize god damn it. I lived through hell and what do I get nothing.” He looked at me and said “I hate it when you cry.” Followed by “AmandaJean your prize is better than a baby. Your prize is your life. You are walking, talking, living proof that people can and will survive a pulmonary embolism, stroke, and cancer. An that babes is the best prize of all.”
A is right, life is the best prize of all. He also reminded me that not everyone has a friend who offers to carry a child for her. That not everyone has a friend who will endure weeks of hormone injections to give her eggs away. I’d say I am one lucky woman. My decoder ring doesn’t lie inside a box of caramel coated popcorn, it lies within the hearts of two women, and those women are giving me the greatest prize of all. They are providing me with HOPE that one day I to will be a mom.
At the end of the day I do not need to lie to make myself better or bigger. Some people make gashes out of paper cuts, mountains out of mole hills, and I choose to make the world better by sharing the hell I went through. My five-year old self still holds out hope that inside a box of Cracker Jacks lies a decoder ring. Maybe one day my son or daughter will rip off the box top, reach inside, and come running to me saying “Mommy I found a decoder ring.”
A very dear friend of my proclaimed this morning that she is giving up on love. She said this after subjecting herself to an evening of sappy movies. No good comes from a single girl watching sappy movies. Had I known she was doing such an act I would have stopped her and told her to watch something funny. However her giving up on love made me think.
Think about the time I proclaimed that I was giving up on love. So many of us are single and for most of us it is not by choice. This is just how we ended up. Some of us are so driven by our careers that we can’t fit in or let alone think about another person. Or maybe you’re a single parent with a one track mind and push your needs a side for the success of your child. Either way we are the only obstacles that stand in the way of ourselves finding love. Love is out there.
It’s out there all right. We dream of it, long for it, and search the ends of the earth until we find it. Sometimes love falls into our lap, bellies up to the bar, or even ends up in our in box. The moment you give up on love you lose hope. Hope is what keeps us a float during the hard times and allows us to dance our pants off during the good times. Hope is what allows our hearts to burst wide open. When your heart burst then you my dear have the ability to give and receive love.
So this is for the singles out there. I know it sucks cooking for one, sleeping alone, and always answering the “Why are you single” question. Have hope that one day the “Why are you single” question will fall to the floor because the one you waited for is by your side. Hope that you will be a plus one, that you will be able to buy those cool dinners for two in a bag, and have someone to snuggle on cold nights. Mr or Miss Right is out there, in time you will find what you’re looking for. Be patient and enjoy the single life. Because one day you’ll look back and realize that being single wasn’t so bad.
The other day I asked my Father: “What are you thankful for?” He looked at me with his teary blue eyes and said “YOU! I am thankful that you are alive. I am thankful that I have my daughter standing next to me and not in a tiny urn I can hold in my hand.” Thats when it hit me, all to often Fathers are losing their daughters to Pulmonary embolism, strokes, and heart disease.
I am thankful to be raised by such a wonderful man and have parents that support my crazy life. They never gave me the option to give up or back down. The day I was lying in the ICU my Mama told me “You can cry about this for 5 minutes and then you’re done feeling sorry for yourself. Ok?” We cried for 5 minutes and then I put my big girl pants on and fought back. Fought for the life that I wanted to lead and I became a thriving survivor. Giving up was never an option. However giving back was.
Over the past two years I have received an out pouring of support from my beautiful friends, family, the American Heart Association, Stop the Clot, and countless others. They cheered me on when I wanted to give up. They kept giving me info, web links, and books so I could live a heart healthy life style. They are the reason I am thriving. An I am forever in debt to all of these wonderful people. Thankful that they believed in me and believed that I would see a better day. Thank you for never giving up on me.
So I pledge…
To not just survive – but thrive. I will learn how to live stronger and longer – for me, my family, and my community. I will join the movement, take action to improve my health and to share information with others to help prevent and overcome stroke.
Please remember that as you sit down at your table full of family and friends…..remember that at someone’s table there is an empty chair that was once filled by their daughter. My heart goes out to the family with an empty chair at their table this Thanks Giving. It is because of you I advocate and educate the public on the #1 killer in America. One day there will be no empty chairs at the Thanks Giving table. There will only be full chairs with Healthy Hearts gathering to give thanks.
Some of us can go our whole lives without being saved. I on the other hand can say my life has been saved three separate times. My faith is strong and my zest for life is even stronger. I have a life because one man believed in me and wanted to make my life better.
That man was Dr. John Delahunty. A man I am forever in debt to. This afternoon my father gave me the news that John had passed. I did my best to hold back the tears as I walked through the skyway. Holding it in until I got to the Prius and then it hit me; it hit me that he was really gone. If it weren’t for Dr. Delahunty you would never have met me and my light would have been extinguished at 3.
My Mom was sick of the answers she was getting from our normal doctor. He would tell her “Oh AJ has the flu. Maybe you fed her bad food. Oh its allergies.” Remedies were tried but nothing worked and I just kept getting worse. I remember the day my Mom took me into see Delahunty. I hadn’t drunk anything in days, I was too weak to stand on my own, and I would scream if you touched me. I at 3 was one hell of a hot mess. She scooped my screaming 3 year old self up, grabbed radar, and put me in the truck. He was her last hope. A Mother knows when her child is dying.
Dying was not an option. Dr. Delahunty took one look at me and instantly knew something wasn’t right. The secret lied with in the X-Rays, CT Scans, and Ultra Sounds. The secret was that I was born with an upside down bladder and a messed up kidney system. He didn’t know how to fix me. John promised my mom that he would make me better and that he was going to do his best to give me a life. A few phone calls later and we were headed to Minneapolis for surgery. The plan was to reconstruct my bladder and kidney system. What I wasn’t born with the surgeons built and I was put back together just like humpty dumpty.
Dr. Delahuanty wasn’t just a doctor. He was a healer and he believed in the power of healing. John really listened to his patients and dug until he got an answer. He would call me squirrel, always the Squirrel. Never AmandaJean, AJ, or Mannie, it was always Squirrel. John promised me that I would live a normal life and that I would grow old. He made good on his promise. Its 25 years later and I am still standing. In return I promised him that I would change the world and I am doing my best to do so.
I got the chance to tell him thank you. Thank you for taking the time to figure me out but mostly thank you for saving my life. On the day of his retirement he fought back tears at our last appointment, he couldn’t put pen to paper to write out my prescriptions. He just looked at me and said “Squirrel you and me we have been through the mill together. Yes we have. Promise me that you will stay in touch and let me know when you change the world.” I made good on that promise sending emails, letters, and cards letting him know that I was doing all right. Letting him know that I was forever in debt to him.
John Delahuanty believed in me and because of him I have enjoyed one hell of a life. He taught me to reach for the stars and gave me the strength to dream. He gave me life. The greatest gift of all……Life. I will miss getting letters and emails from John, yet he will always be with me. For as long as I share our story, our life saving story. His memory will live on through me, his family, and the hundreds of lives he touched.
People have been asking me “How are you doing with your Sister’s pregnancy? Your parents must be so happy.” In reality it hurts. Every day I go out into the world I am reminded that my son is in heaven. That for some reason God chose him to sit upon the clouds. My family has become a flutter of baby prep, traveler bobs, cribs, clothes, and baby all day every day. My parents do their best to walk on egg shells and try not to mention Sophia’s arrival.
Egg shells are not needed. This was Gods plan and the hand I have to play. Sometimes I wonder what would Alucious be like. He would be walking by now and I wonder what his laugh would sound like. Would he have blue eyes and curly hair like me, or would he look like his father. Yea, the father that walked away when he died. The ex-husband blames our divorce on Alucious. That his death created a wedge. The wedge was all ready there, he just helped me kick it out-of-the-way.
At the time Alucious died I did not see any good in the situation. I only saw anger, failure, and pain. Failure because God didn’t have faith in me to see Alucious through. In truth I had faith in God but not in myself. I had to learn to look beyond the gray and have faith in the light. All good things come in time. A few months after his death I was diagnosed with Uterine Cancer and now I am cancer free. The cancer took every last shred of hope I had for a child, as the Doctors rendered me infertile. Cancer sucks, but not being able to have a child sucks even more.
Then again when another door is forced shut a window can be pried open. Angela has given me her word that she will place a baby in my arms. One day I will meet a man who understands that 1. My son died, 2. I can’t have kids, but hey Angela can, and 3. Its your sperm and not my egg. Alucious deserves to have a brother or sister on earth. For now I am settling for a muppet like dog.
We will do everything we can to let Sophia know about her big cousin in heaven. She we lay beneath his mobile, the turtles dancing over head, and in her a dream will be realized. My sister JammieLeigh is going to share Sophia with me and I will be the best Aunt possible. I have a feeling that she will be calling me to get her our of trouble and to trick her Mom into giving her ice cream for dinner. Sophia is a gift, a beautiful life, and she will have an angle on her shoulder. As I am sure Alucious will spend his days playing with her in the breeze, stomping in the puddles, and rolling in the dirt.
Alucious lays beneath the Birch tree. So perfect, so beautiful, and at peace in this place of wonder. I face the sun and in its warmth I know he’s here and his life was not in vain. My son would want me to be put together and happy. I owe it to him to live the best life possible and to create something beautiful out of his memory. Alucious Gregory may not of graced this earth but for a moment, yet his tiny life has made me a Mama to a baby in Heaven. An I am greatful to be his mom down here on earth, while he plays on the clouds of heaven.
Wow I can’t believe that I am one year closer to 30. I guess when you have all ready been through a life time of shit it means everything is down hill from here. I may only be 29, however I have lived a life that dreams are made of. Sorrow reminds me that I am human. Each night I ask God to keep my son Alucious close and to make sure Nylan turns out all right. I’ve been a wife, a mother, a best friend, a sister, a paralegal, an advocate, a lobbyist, and now I get to be an auntie to Sophia.
Survivor is a label I wear proudly. I tirelessly advocate for heart health, stroke symptom awareness, and healthy kids. There is one thing I’ve learned : I would trade all of my money in a heart beat if it meant I could have my health back. Money can buy me things that will make me happy. However it cannot buy my health. Wealth is no fun when you do not have health on your side. So take it from me. Take care of yourself. You only have one body, one heart, and in the end money will mean nothing. But your health will mean everything.
I’ve struggled with the fact that my health will never be the same and that this is the body I have to grow old with. My body has brought me to some pretty darn amazing places over the past year. It has brought me to DC, the gulf coast, NYC, and countless other locations. It has allowed me to share my story and save lives. Life is the ultimate gift and I am so very glad God has granted me with one more year upon this earth.
It is my hope that the next year is filled with goodness and big amazing things. If I dare to dream then I can dare live a big meaningful life. People try to knock me down, rip my reputation apart, and spread the words of incapable across the firm. That alone gives me strength to prove that I am 1. a bigger person, 2. a professional, and 3. I will out shine the {redacted}. I have something he will never have and that is class. One can’t lie their way into class. They can only fumble when their lies start to unravel and unravel they will. I may not be there to see it. Yet I will smile silently at his blunder and step over him on my way to the top. The only place I am going is up.
Up. Thats where I am headed. I’ve got two jobs that I love. One requires more effort than the other. A speaking schedule that can’t be beat, a book deal on the table, and well my lawyer tells me we are winning. I’d say that’s some pretty darn awesome sauce. Not to mention this here blog isn’t doing to shabby either. People like to read about my antics, dating blunders, cry with me, and say fuck it. I swear online as I swear in real life. I am nothing but myself and I am human. Humans swear and they like it too!
Fuck it. I am in a relationship with myself. I have no time for dating. I want to but I have no life outside of work. It’s bad my friends have to remind me that we have dinner dates and nights of ninja antics. My goal for year 29 is to work a little less and have what you regular folks call a social life. A social life sounds interesting and wow taking trips for fun sounds like a gosh darn good plan. Who knows maybe there is a man out there who is brave enough to step into my world and take me on. I’m not holding my breath. Thats why I have the muppet to keep me company.
So Ninjas a toast! Goodbye 28 and Hello 29. May year 29 be filled with good friends, endless opportunity, laughter, adventure, and mostly love. Thank you so much for being a part of my life. Each and every one of you means the world to me. Know that I care about you and love you more than you will ever know. Ninjas for ever. May we go down kung fu fighting!
It seems that every thing is coming together. I have a career that I love, a dog that makes me giggle, and amazing friends. However when the clock turns 5 I rush out to meet with a client, to beat a deadline, and mostly I head home alone.
There is no voice to great me when I walk through the door and no one to ask me about my day. Just the muppet like dog stands before me. Eagerly awaiting me to grab his leash and lay a treat before him. I love my dog, however there are days when I long to hear a human voice instead of the gruffs of a muppet. Days where I remember what it was like to have a child to come home to and a husband that some what cared to see me walk through the door. Those are the days I miss.
I miss the nights laying awaking just talking about our day and giggling about the silliness of life. Sleeping in and snuggling close during football games on Sundays. Having someone bring me flowers and knowing full well that roses are not my thing. That knew me to my core and understood where I had come from. Some might say my ex husband never really knew me. Then again that question still remains unanswered.
One thing I do know is……I know what I want this time. I am only getting divorced once in this life. Then again my marriage didn’t fail me, my ex husband did. He is the one who failed me and broke my dream. He tried to fix it but it was too late and soon both of us joined the sea of divorce. No one goes into marriage thinking it will end. No one ever does.
This time around I am taking my time. Sure there have been a few men over the past year or so. The architect, the IRS Man, and a certain attorney are all just a memory now. Each one taught me how to love, believe and have faith in another person again. That is something I forgot how to do. Lately I have been taking forever to make decisions. Often opportunities and really great apartments have slipped through my fingers. Love is something that doesn’t slip, it is something that grows on you.
Growing is something I need to do. More like I need to blossom, throw myself out there and believe in the search. Part of me is a little jaded and more protective of my life. After all I built it from nothing. Maybe I am afraid that someone is going to stomp on it again and take the joy away from me. That is something I will fight like hell for this time. I am not giving up my crazy life for anything. I plan on fitting someone into my crazy life and make something grow. Grow it into a beautiful life. A life where two people come together and reveling in the craziness.
Call me crazy but this time around. I want someone who knows that Frank Lloyd Wright did not build the house on the rock. One who knows that Falling Water should not be confused with an actual water fall. A man who is not afraid to explore third world countries. Takes his shoes off and dance in low tide looking for star fish. Someone who understands what it means to make a difference and never turns his back on someone who needs their help. Laughter is a must and so are tears. Because we cannot stand in the sun until we have danced in the rain. The rain is what makes us who we are.
Faith is something I have. I have faith that singledom is not where I belong. It is only a stage until I figure out where I am going. For now it is where I reside until that moment Mr Right walks in and says “Hi, how are you?” That moment is a moment I patiently long for.
Have Bear Will Travel 