Author Archives: NinjaInTheCity

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About NinjaInTheCity

AmandaJean is a thriving pulmonary embolism & stroke survivor, passionate Paralegal, Advocate, and Blogger who believes she can change the world one person at a time. She is obsessed with the Law, beauty subscription boxes, collecting costume jewelry, visiting flea markets, Ruby Red Squirt and Candy Corn. World Traveler. Serial Volunteer. Lover of Frank Lloyd Wright, Heart Healthy Living, and good wine. Mama to a Muppet like dog. Aunt to @HalfPintNinja

{Life Lessons} “I Am So Pretty!” 

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Shopping with a four year old is to much fun. I taught Sophia that her size is 5T and if she likes something she needs to find a 5T. It took her only a few minutes to find two dresses and then Auntie helped her find a coordinating pair of leggings for each dress. 

Like all big girls do we tried them on. Seeing her little face light up was magical. What was even more magical is that she twirled and looked in the mirror at herself and said “I am so pretty! This is so pretty on me.” I then realized that from the moment we are born we love our bodies, we have no idea that our body is different than the next one, we love who we are until someone tells us that our body is not perfect or pretty. When that moment happens our self confidence is snatched away from us and we rarely find it again. 

In watching my niece twirl I realized that all of us were once that little girl dancing in the mirror and that we loved ourselves. We loved ourselves until someone told us we were to thin, to tall, to fat, to dark, or to light. We had no idea that we were not beautiful until someone said “you are ugly.” Once you lose your zest it’s hard to get it back. My ex husband once told me “you are ugly, you are to fat for me.” With those words my zest left and I had to start over and relearn how to love myself. After I left my exhusband I remember the first time someone told me I was beautiful. It was in the grocery store, I said thank you and started crying as I walked away from him. That was the day my zest came back, it felt good to look at the girl in the mirror and she smiled back. 

I never want Sophia to lose herself, I want her to always love every fiber of her being. As she twirled in each dress I said “Sophia you are more than pretty, you are beautiful, you are unique. The dress doesn’t make you pretty, you are what makes that dress beautiful and never forget that.” I want my niece to grow up loving her body and feeling confident in her own skin. Those lessons start now, she is only 4, but my words will one day remind her that she is beautiful and she is unique.” 

Sophia has no idea that she taught her Auntie tonight. Her love and self confidence reminded me that I need to twirl in the mirror and say “I am so pretty.” 

{Chasing Rainbows} You Were Always Meant to be an Auntie 

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Children are something I have always wanted. Motherhood is an unattainable dream I have actively been chasing.

Sometimes I look up and wonder “why me?” In those moments a quiet voice whispers “why not you” and I realize that God chooses the strongest of the strong to be a mother to Angels. 

You see my children will never touch the earth, they were born to fly. My fridge does not have any artwork on display, instead my children finger paint in the sunset skies. A picture that I can only view one time before it dips into the edges of darkness. My children died before their lives even got started. My children were never meant to be mine, for an angel closed the book of life and said “to beautiful for earth.”

“During the chase for rainbows I became an Auntie” 


Auntie is a job title that I proudly hold, it’s a job that allows me to spoil and love on two very incredible little souls. Sophia came first, followed three years later by Jack. Sophia looks at me bright eyed and asks “auntie when will you have a baby in your tummy?” The answer to the question is more complicated than the question itself, so I simply say “one day Sophs, one day.” She says “ok,” and runs off to play. 

Watching her grow has been a blessing. I see a lot of myself in her, she is motherly, fearless, and kind just like her Auntie. Jack just adores her and wants to do whatever Sophia is doing. Jack is a gift, I can’t help but look at him and wonder “what would my son have looked like.” His big blue eyes meet mine, a smile breaks out followed by a shriek, I think that means he likes me. Jack has yet to mutter Auntie, right now he is just shrieks, we’ll get there one day, however today is not that day. 

Sophia is curious and often asks “Auntie why do you have paws on your foot!?” I lovingly tell her “Auntie will tell you when you are older,” for Sophia is to little to learn about her cousins in heaven. One day she will be old enough to know about Lucia and Baby E, today is not that day so we continue on our way.

My heart will always be broken, for a piece of my soul lies in heaven. Yet Sophia and Jack with there love, brought light into the darkness and gave this auntie purpose. I love on them a little bit more because I know how precious life is and that children are truly a gift that only God can grant. Rainbows have eluded me, yet I’ve found my pot of gold. For I was always meant to be an Auntie. 

{Target Box} simply RADIANT

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January 2016

“Must-haves. Can’t-live withouts. Obsessions. As purveyors of all-things beauty, we at Target Style like to keep a lookout for what’s new and now. In this box, you’ll find a few of our favorites-just in time for spring break. Test ’em out and tell us what you think. And if you love them as much as we do, find the full-sized versions at Target.”

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Radiant? I’d like to think that I am pretty darn radiant and simple to a fault. I like things to be easy, to many directions can ruin the fun and add time to a get ready routine. The products in the simply radiant box will bring out your inner radiant goddess.

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July 2016 – simply RADIANT

L’Oréal Paris Advanced Haircare Color Vibrancy Nourishing Shampoo & Conditioner: Antioxidants and UV filters nourish and help protect color-treated hair from fading for up to 8 weeks of vibrant color.

Dessange Paris Purifying Clay Balancing Shampoo: Clay purifies oily roots while pro-vitamin B5 moisturizes dry ends. Use with pre-shampoo clay mask, sold separately.

Wet n Wild Max Fanatic Mascara: Its intense formula creates 8 times the volume. Includes a fan-shaped brush that adds length and extra drama to the corners of your lashes.

Derma E Firming DMAE Eye Lift with Instalift and Advanced Peptides:Made with antioxidants, peptides and DMAE to firm skin, smooth crow’s feet and boost collagens. Vegan & non-GMO.

Acure Organics Facial Cleansing Gel: Organic olive oil and chlorella growth factor remove dirt and oil while boosting cells to leave skin radiantly refreshed.

Aquaphor Healing Ointment: Dermatologist recommended, this multipurpose ointment moisturizes severely dry skin and also soothes minor cuts, scrapes and burns. Fragrance free.

As always the folks over at Target put together an amazing box for an amazing price. It has become apparent that the box is now monthly, they just need to go ahead and start a subscription service and put the free-for all fight to bed. Then again stalking the site and pouncing as soon as that bad boy goes live is part of the thrill. I take my thrills where I can get them!

The Target Beauty Box is not a subscription service, they are first come first served, if they are sold out then you my friends are out of luck. I just checked target.com and the March box is OUT OF STOCK. For $7 this box is a great deal, that is if you can get your hands on one, they always sellout like hotcakes. So don’t sit on the beauty fence when you see them, just throw it in your virtual cart and call it a day!

***I was no compensated for my post. Opinions are my own***

{Target Box} fresh & FABULOUS

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January 2016

“Must-haves. Can’t-live withouts. Obsessions. As purveyors of all-things beauty, we at Target Style like to keep a lookout for what’s new and now. In this box, you’ll find a few of our favorites-just in time for spring break. Test ’em out and tell us what you think. And if you love them as much as we do, find the full-sized versions at Target.”

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I’m fresh and fabulous. Wait let me do the sniff test…….. yup I am as fresh as a daisy. I love Target and their curated boxes are a good deal. Best of all you can stroll the isles of your local Target to purchase the full-sized version of the samples that you loved.

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July 2016 – fresh & FABULOUS

Tom’s of Maine Antiplaque & Whitening Toothpaste – Peppermint:
An all-natural toothpaste that whitens teeth while fighting tartar and plaque and has a fresh peppermint taste. Fluoride free.

Dove Regenerative Nourishment Shampoo & Conditioner:
Dove Regenerative Nourishment Shampoo replenishes hair’s structure inside and out to eliminate signs of damage and strengthen against future breakage. The Dove Regenerative Nourishment Conditioner’s red algae–infused formula nourishes damaged locks and repairs internal structure for strong, healthy-looking hair.

Garnier Clearly Brighter SPF Moisturizer:
Antioxidant-rich formula moisturizes and tones for radiant, smooth skin that’s visibly brighter in just 1 week.

SweetSpot On-the-Go Wipettes:
Natural, pH-balanced feminine wipes made with botanicals and essential oils for an instant refresh. Paraben free.

Umberto Beverly Hills Lifting Powder:
A little does a lot to give your hair volume, texture and lift. It controls cowlicks and absorbs excess moisture, too.

NYX Butter Lipstick:
Buttery soft, silky smooth lipstick melts onto lips for high-impact color and a luxe satin finish without being sticky. Product comes in assorted colors.

As always the folks over at Target put together an amazing box for an amazing price. It has become apparent that the box is now monthly, they just need to go ahead and start a subscription service and put the free-for all fight to bed. Then again stalking the site and pouncing as soon as that bad boy goes live is part of the thrill. I take my thrills where I can get them!

The Target Beauty Box is not a subscription service, they are first come first served, if they are sold out then you my friends are out of luck. I just checked target.com and the March box is OUT OF STOCK. For $7 this box is a great deal, that is if you can get your hands on one, they always sellout like hotcakes. So don’t sit on the beauty fence when you see them, just throw it in your virtual cart and call it a day!

***I was no compensated for my post. Opinions are my own***

{BirchBox} MY MORNING ROUTINE

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July 2016

Mornings? I am a morning person, I love to wake up at the crack of 11AM. However my work schedule gets in the way of my sleepy time, so I am forced to get up at 6:30am during the week and well the dog has no concept of time, so I wake up round 7 on the weekends.

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Simplicity gets me out of the door quickly.Ya know because I have to catch them all, yes I to am hooked on the Pokemon Go craze. I love it! Anyways simplicity is best because it gets me out to the bus stop on time. I am a night shower person, so with that out of the way, all I do in the morning is makeup, brush teeth, and my hair. Plus walk the dog, the dog must be walked otherwise he gets angry. No one likes an angry dog.

Enough about my mornings and my dog, let’s get to it. We both know you came here to see what I got in my July Birchbox.

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July 2016 – MY MORNING ROUTINE

Benefit Cosmetics – gimmie brow volumizing fiber gel: This innovative, water resistant fiber gel has a precision tip for shaping and build-able formula for thick, lush brows.

COOLA Environmental Repair Plus Radical Recovery After-Sun Lotion: This soothing lotion uses agave to moisturize, protect, and calm any post-sun woes.

MDSolarSciences Mineral Creme SPF 50 Broad Spectrum UVA-UVB Sunscreen: Safe for acne and rosacea prone skinm this silky SPF cream absorbs quickly so it won’t leave a white, greasy sheen.

Milk Makeup Sunshine Oil: This portable rollerball brightens, hydrates, and illuminates to give skin a dewy glow thanks to essential oils.

Smashbox Cosmetics X-Rated Mascara: This unique formula uses Tripod fibers that stack on lashes for endless volume that won’t clump or flake.

This months sample choice was all about mascara, we could chose from three different mascara brands. I chose the smashbox brand and the other four samples were chosen by BirchBox.

In late June our buddies at BirchBox dropped a huge ass bomb, they this is hard for me to type, dropped their points program. We as subscribers no longer earn points for reviewing our monthly samples. I know ladies I too am in morning, maybe they will find something new to keep us intrigued. At this point BirchBox is attached to my soul and I am not ready to pull the plug on my subscription, so for now that bright pink box will still don my door step.

If you would like to join in on the no more points for reviews fun, checkout http://www.birchbox.com

{BirchBox} MULTIFACETED AND MIGHTY

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June 2016
“Whether we’re checking emails on the elliptical or paying bills while getting a pedi, we’re pro multitaskers-and we expect the same from our products. Not unlike the gems on the outside of this box, the beauty gems inside are truly multifaceted.”

Multitasking! I like the sound of that. Multitasking is a girl with ADD’s main skill, I can do many things at once and this has saved me a lot of time. If I can do many things at once, then heck yes I want my beauty products to do the same. Especially in the summer months, the fewer products the better. Lord knows that Minnesota’s summer heat can cause a girls do to fall and her makeup to melt right off, its not pretty, but we manage.

June 16

I managed to snag June’s curated box. Hello! It has Davines products in it and not to mention how adorable is the lip crayon. I needed it in my life and by golly I snagged it and fell in love with all of the products.

“Girl! Come on, what did you get in your June Box!?”

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MULTIFACETED AND MIGHTY – Birchbox June 2016

LOC One & Done Shadow Stick: from Birchbox brand LOC, waterproof shadow doubles as a long lasting liner.

NUXE Rev de Miel Facial Cleansing and Make-Up Removing Gel: this French multitasker disolves dirt, oil, and makeup while soothing and softening skin.
———————-> This right here is a great little cleanser. A little bit of product goes a very long way. It even washed away stubborn mascara and left my skin feeling smoothly clean. Bonus, the scent is amazing, very citrusy.

The Beauty Corp PBJ Smoothie Stick in Rasin the Roof: this stick boasts a soft, sweet tint, and moisturizes lips with good for you ingredients.
———————>This product is adorable! I love the packaging and not to mention it made my lips look pretty darn great. Plus this is full size! Yes a full sized product!

Air Repair Complexion Boosting Moisturizing: packed with antioxidants and humectants, this rich formula works as both a mask and a daily moisturizer.

Davines Authentic Cleansing Nector Hair/Body: this nourishing shampoo-meets-body-wash uses organic oils to cleanse and hydrate from head to toe.
———————–> I am truly a Davines fan girl, I have yet to meet a Davines product that I didn’t like. I can get lost in the scent and it has left my hair and skin feeling so soft.

Davines Authentic Moisturizing Balm Face/Hair/Body: a three in one balm that conditions hair, nourishes skin, and even removes makeup.

The MULTIFACETED AND MIGHTY box was very well thought out and I loved that it included a product for skin, hair, body, and makeup. Birchbox hit it out of the park and I cannot wait to see what July’s curated box will be.

Birch Box is a beauty and lifestyle subscription box program that costs $10.00 per month. For every dollar you spend in the shop you can earn 1 point. 100 points will get you a free birch box or $10 towards a purchase in the shop at birchbox.com. I know you’ve got friends so why not refer those friends to Birch box and earn a few points for doing so. If you would like to learn more and get a Birch Box of your very own go to http://www.birchbox.com for more information.

***I was not compensated for this post. Opinions are my own***

{Divorced Life} Standing On The Other Side 

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I watched the days tick closer and closer to June 27, to most it’s a regular day, but for me it signifies the beginning. Six years ago today I walked out of my lovely home nestled on a quiet street in Woodbury with my best friend at my side and I never looked back. 

The last words Scott spoke to me were “you’ll never make it on your own. No one will want you.” Those words sunk in deep like a knife cutting through my flesh, those words became a challenge. A challenge to become the woman he never deserved to call his wife. I was broken, yet I dug deep and put one foot in front of the other and walked out with my clothes and kitchen things. Cause ya know a girl has to be able to cook and needs clothes, nothing else in that house mattered to me. 

I will say this, the hardest part of leaving was walking away from Nylan. I helped raise that little boy for 5 years and he was my heart and soul. Nylan will always be apart of me, he will always be my step son. No matter where life takes me, Nylan will always be in my heart. Step parents have no rights, when you divorce you are expected to walk away from a child that you saw as your own flesh and blood. Nylan is a bright funny kid that I miss with all of my heart. I have to believe that one day he will stumble upon this here blog and he will see that I never stopped loving him. 

Not many 27 year old women find themselves sitting across form a divorce lawyer talking about property and bank accounts. Or talking about “um our baby died and he doesn’t want to be financially responsible for any of the bills…….” She asked me like all lawyers do “why are you getting a divorce? Have you tried counseling?” I looked at her and said ” I do not want to be married to a man who rather lie comfortably in the bed of a whore than with his wife. I do not want to be married to a man who chose to stay in Vegas after his wife uttered the words “our baby died.” He never put me first, I was always third best. So no counseling is not an option, divorce is my only way out.” An I did just that, I freed myself from someone who never wanted me. 

In ways I felt ashamed, it was hard for me to admit that I walked out of a mentally/emotionally abusive controlling relationship. I didn’t want people to think I was stupid, all women even the smarties can fall into controlling relationships. I had to work through a lot of shit, his voice on quiet nights seeped in reminding me that I wasn’t pretty and that I was to fat for someone to love. Little by little I was able to push his voice to the side. In the quiet moments I reminded myself that he no longer had power over me, I was free and I owed it to myself to do better. 

The best decision I have ever made is to trade my exhusband in for a muppet like dog. My IKEA filled apartment was lonely, I missed having someone to come home to and mostly a little four legged beast to cuddle. I called in sick to work (cough cough) and drove to Whipstaff Ranch to pick up what I hoped would be my trusty sidekick. Cullen, cullen rescued me that day. A mighty little muppet like dog rescued me, he was exactly what I needed. 

Slowly I began to move and grow in my new normal. Cullen was my constant, he was with me every step of the way and with one sniff he judged all of my dates. Dating was strange, my the game had changed since I last played. I adapted, signed up for dating sites and had fun going out for drinks and then coming home and watching lifetime movies with the dog. Don’t judge you know you get sucked into lifetime movies too! 

Life, it hasn’t been easy. I’ve hit more road blocks than smooth passages. Each one has taught me a lesson, a lesson that has made me stronger than I could ever imagine. Mostly it has taught me to be patient and to trust the journey.  That as long as I keep the wind at my back I will sail into safe harbor. I’ve stopped caring about other people’s opinions and stare down their judgy eyes, divorce means knowing when to get the fuck out and having the strength to leave. The decision to leave is the easy part, physically leaving is the hard part. 

“You will never make it on your own,” still cuts through me like a knife. Thou his opinion no longer matters I still feel like I need to prove him wrong. Six years, I have survived on my own for six fucking years! Like that is a feat in itself, knowing that my bills are paid and I get on the bus to a job that I love in my mind is wining. At the end of the month I have money left over to do things, fun things and I have become very thrifty.  In my eyes I’ve made it and that’s all that matters. 

“No one will want you.” He saw me as damaged goods. Sure a blood clot and stroke mess a girl up, but it doesn’t mean I am down and out for the count. Sure losing a child can scare men away, but it can bring me to someone who wants a family too. This girl isn’t damaged, he was wrong about that, I’m filled with awesome sauce! Whether I was ready or not, love crept in when I wasn’t looking, fate brought me two men that I adored. Charlie left  in the middle of our story. I can die knowing he loved me until his last breath. His leaving gave fate the chance to bring me Jay and his bitchy cat Dexter.  

An that is when the love came in. Jay just looks into my eyes and knows that my soul has seen to much and that I for some reason love him without question. He has my heart for his whole life and I have his. Together we have a baby in heaven. If you are counting, yes I have been pregnant twice and have two babies in heaven, I guess I am special. Anyways back to the mushy love story stuff. In Jay’s eyes I see the soul of a weary marine, he paid the price for my freedom and for that I am thankful, his eye tell a story of things I could never imagine, yet he is determined and never gives up, because he knows I will never give up on him. For now our children have four legs and fuzzy tails, he and I have faith that our rainbow will come and we will add another chapter to our love story. 

The exhusband was wrong, I made it and I found someone who loves me without question. Maybe he uttered those words because he knew deep deep down that without me, he would never make it. As far as I know he is still alive and has remarried, so I think that’s a sign that it’s time for me to stop living in the shadow of his words and to step into the sun where they will never again touch me. 

{Infertility} The Ugly Truth about Chasing Rainbows

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When  a woman has a misscarriage or a still birth people often say “oh you can try again. You will have another one, don’t worry.” They do not realize that those words or even the thought of trying again cuts through her soul. She wanted THAT baby. She did not plan for a future baby, she had planned on brining THAT baby home. 

My journey to motherhood has had more potholes than smooth pavement. I watch friends fall pregnant on a whim. I for some reason do not have access to the baby water or whatever magical dust is flying around. Five years. Five years stood between Lucia and Baby E. Both my children were not planned, yet they were desperately wanted and now the desire to mother someone is strong.

Before Baby E I had made peace with the fact that I would never carry a child. Adoption, was going to be my best option. Doctors told me that my uterus was to broken to carry a child and mostly it was a risky endeavor. Girls with a history of blood clots and stroke, well it’s not recommended that you become pregnant. I felt cheated and robbed, one decision affected my whole fertile life. All my friends who went on the NuvaRing got babies, I got a blood clot. This was the hand I was delt and with time I learned to live with it. 

That is until a blue plus sign showed up. I was scared, no not scared, I was fucking terrified. I had been pregnant before and it didn’t turn out so well. I went home with empty arms. I was cautiously  getting attached to the group of cells I was carrying, the only thing that stood between me and my child was a viability scan. Every high risk pregnant woman dreads this scan. The scan is completed at 6/7weeks gestation, if there isn’t a heart beat, game over. Jay was excited for the ultrasound, as soon as an empty sac flashed on the screen, I knew in my heart it was over. God didn’t give me a second chance to be a mom. He brought me so close to motherhood, yet pushed me one step back. This rainbow was not meant to be ours. The chase was back on.

The world of baby making is not pretty. It’s pretty much a second job. There are charts to be charted, temps to be checked, sex dates on calendars, ovulation test to pee on and then there is the two week wait. The wait to see if all of your hard work (literally) and charting paid off. Month after month went by without a blue plus sign. Something in my gut said “lady you are a little off.” 

A year went by with no luck. Down the fertility rabbit hole we went, I’ve had more blood test and scans (the ultrasound wand and I are on a first name basis) than I can count. My body and I are not on good terms right now. My egg reserve is good, yet something is a miss. Luteal phase failure, progesterone and I are not on speaking terms. She is suppose to be my girl and rise to the baby maintaining occasion. Bitch is sitting in her seat exchanging gossip and not paying attention to her job at hand. Getting her to step up is tricky, yet she is my only hope. I need her otherwise I’ll never catch our rainbow.

Talking about infertility makes me feel like I failed as a woman. I’ve got one job and that is to birth babies. I think in away women judge each other. Having fertility help is like the new c-section vs vaginal birth debate.  Yes it’s true only a small percentage of the population needs fertility assistance, yet it doesn’t make me any different than fertile myrtle from down the lane. Maybe in away it makes me more of a woman because I have to endure a shit ton of testing and scans and needles to get my prize? Probably not, but I just want to throw that out there. 

The getting pregnant process doesn’t scare me. The pregnant part is what scares me. Carrying a child scares me. Not knowing what the next scan will show is what scares me. My therapist assures me that my fears are healthy and normal. That as time goes on they will ease. But for now in this moment they are very real and it’s scary. I desperately want to be a mom, yet 9 months of pregnancy terrifies me. Jay does his best to ease my fears and calms me down. He knows what I’ve gone through, it’s a lot for one soul to carry. Jay tells me that  I am strong and that I am capable of carrying our child, we just need to catch our damn rainbow and never let go, well when they are 18 will let go. 

There is a five year gap between Lucia and Baby E. Which is not normal, it’s not normal to have a five year gap or to loose two babies in a row. Which the term loose is still strange to me, I know where they are and they are not lost. The fore mentioned is the ugly truth of fertility. Some ladies have what it takes and then there are those of us who desperately want to be fertile. 

When someone asks me “do you have children?” I should be able to say “yes, but they died,” without fear of being judged or the awkward look of pity. Just like infertile women, women of dead babies get swept under the rug. It’s like we are societies dirty little secret, like we live in a fairytale land where every woman is fertile and every baby lives. 

Truth: that land does not exist and life, it’s ugly and hard. I learned this the hard way. Yet I like many women still hold onto a glimmer of hope that my next pregnancy will be successful and that it will result in a live birth. While you are doing summer things, I will be getting poked, prodded and scanned to make sure my lady bits are in working order, because this, this is going to be the year we catch our rainbow! 

{Lucia} A Lifetime of Wonder 

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Dearest Lucia,

Today Friday May 13th marks your 6th Angel Birthday. It’s hard for mommy to believe that I have spent 6 years without you. There isn’t a day that goes by where mommy doesn’t think of you. Long ago I stopped asking God “why Lucia? Why did God need you more than I did and what did I do to deserve this?”I realized Lucia that God knew that I was stronger than I realized. For it takes a strong woman to be the mother of an Angel. God knew I was up for the task, so he picked you love to join his heavenly skies. 

In the quiet moments I wonder what you would look like. If you would have mommy’s curly hair and blue eyes or the Jewish features of your father. Would you be a fearless little chatter box or a silent observer. I wonder if you would share my love of dinosaurs and gazing at the star filled skies. Maybe you’d be like your father, spending your moments playing video games and counting down the days till football starts. Who you were meant to be will always be a mystery to me. 

Your death remains a mystery. With all of the science in this world doctors were not able to put a why behind your leaving. One moment you were inside my protective womb in the next you were gracing God’s arms. Mama wasn’t ready to lose a child at 27, yet somehow I put one foot in front of the other and learned to live this life without you. It hasn’t been easy, there are good days and then there are not so good days. But for you Lucia Mommy continues on, I want you to be proud of the life I’ve made. Lucia you are in every step I take, every decision I make, and every beat of my heart, you are with me always. 

I have faith that mommy will see you again. Until that day comes a piece of me will always be in heaven. 

{Baby E} Empty Sac, Big Impact

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A year has almost passed since a bright blue plus sign appeared. I sat on the floor staring at it in disbelief. It was a good 30 minutes before it sunk in that the plus sign was for me and that a baby was on board. I was given a second chance at motherhood and Jay would be a first time father. 

In the six weeks that followed we started picking out names and nursery themes. Jay looked up baby gear on the Internet and spoke softly to my stomach. Jay was attached the instant I told him and for me I was slowly falling in love with a group of cells. My Dad started making the mobile just like he did for Luica, birds, I wanted birds for this baby. He obliged and went to work. My parents were excited to have a fifth grandchild to spoil and love on. Their excitement helped mine grow. With a little luck and a lot of faith everything would be all right. 

If you are familiar with child loss then you know all pregnancies that follow are considered high risk and there is a viability scan around 6/7weeks. This scan terrified me and I dreaded the day of our appointment. Perinatal doctors had failed me before, the fear and anxiety that I had was raw and real. The ultrasound would be my enemy, it could either make or break this pregnancy. An empty sac appeared on the screen. At almost 7weeks a fetal pole should have been inside beating away. 

I carried the little sac that couldn’t for 12 weeks. The Doctor and I called it, a plan was put in place and a D&C was scheduled for July 7, 2015. Jay couldn’t miss work so my Mama took his place. I had the sweetest nurses. My Nurse Ann made sure I knew what and where baby land was, she held my hand and gave me a hug as I headed off to surgery. A few days after surgery I got a call that my pregnancy contents had been cremated and sprinkled in Lake Wood Cemetery’s baby land, our baby is resting with a view of Lake Calhoun and I can walk over and visit if I chose to. Weeks later the pathology report would show that it was more than just a sac, it was a partial molar pregnancy, two sperm fertilized one egg and our baby had more chromosomes than it needed. 

Unlike Lucia, Baby E gave me a why and that was all I needed, I was able to be a peace with the leaving. Baby E has given me hope that I to will have a baby one day, it’s just rainbows are elusive and they are hard to catch. I have faith that my turn is just around the corner and that one day I will get to carry a baby to term. For Motherhood is a job that I desperately want.