I highly doubt that you read my blog, my twitter or even the text messages I chuck out there. But this this is for you.
I will never regret what went down between us. For as long as I live I want you to know that you are not in no way in hell the reason I left my marriage. Instead you uttered the words I was longing to hear. You told me that it was ok to walk away. That there is no right or wrong in divorce. Everyone loses. That it was ok to be the one who made the call and walked away first.
You were an example. You survived your divorce and managed to find what made you happy. I think of you from time to time. I hope that you are doing all right and that one day your anger will dwindle. You cannot be angry at me forever. When that day comes I will explain it all to you in person (Its one heck of a story). I chose not to air my divorce and the reasons why I left on my blog for the sake of Nylan. After all this blog and one day book is for him. But you are forever part of the story, of my story that I share on my blog and tell to the people I am motivating.
Judgement calls, life comes down to judgement calls. We can choose to stay or go. To be angry or forgive. We can choose to fight or die. It doesn’t matter what we choose as long as we make that final judgement and call it like we see it.
One day, I have faith that your anger will fade. That you and I can sit down adult to adult and I can tell you the truth. The truth that I have been longing to share with you and one that you need to hear.
Just know that I do not desert the people I care about, even thou we no longer speak I still care. I always have and I always will. Mostly I do not give up on good ninjas like yourself. Mainly because no one has ever given up on me. My hope is that one day I can say “Thank You” to your face.
If you know me in real life or follow me on twitter you know I utter the word “Ninja” a lot and tell folks “wow you have major kung fu.” You’ve probably thought what does she mean by ninjas and all of this kung fu talk. The answers are simple and will leave you harnessing your inner ninja.
A Ninja is someone who puts the needs of others before their own. It is someone who reaches out when no one else will, someone who will stand up for those who cannot, and remains a voice of reason. Ninjas know when to hold em and when to fold em. They also, especially the ninjas who went to college in Wisconsin know how to throw down. Thrown downs happen often and are usually followed by giggle fests.
Mostly your ninja is a tiny person (it’s so true) that lives in side of you. The ninja waits quietly for those moments when you can’t go on. That ninja signals your brain, and says “Go Ninja go.” It takes over and gives you the strength to be, to live, and to conquer this world without question. Sometimes you may yell “To Wanda” when conquering the world and other times you move with stealth speed. Either way your inner ninja uses his/her kung fu to do everything that you feel you cannot do. It never steers you wrong and always always listens to your heart.
Ninjas usually travel in packs. Sometimes they are found alone and are caught doing good deeds. When this happens we shout “Wow that’s some major kung fu you have there.” Kung fu is not a method of destruction, but more as a method of construction. Ninjas use their kung fu fighting powers to bust through their days, love their families, and make our world better. Whether it be through volunteering our time with children, building houses, raising money, or using our ninja smarts to find a cure. We are always Kung Fu Fightin!
So the next time you see a ninja don’t fret, just yell “hey you kung fu fighting ninja you!” If you do this they well erupt with giggles, giggles are contagious, hence the term giggle fest. A ninjas main goal in life is to bring love, laughter, and hope to where ever they may travel.
I hope that you are lucky enough to harness your inner ninja, let her/him take over and let your kung fu fly. Come on now, “everybody was Kung Fu fightin!”
Every once in a while you’ve just got to dodge out-of-town. Seeing Miss Joy in Green Bay provided to be the perfect option. It has been about a year since I’ve seen my sister from another reservation. Oh, my have I missed her. Joy always keeps me calm and helps me clear the jumbled mess I call a brain.
I took this trip as a fitting opportunity for Angela my newest ninja BFF to meet my dearest ninja BFF. Lucky for me they got along grand and the weekend was filled with goodness. Joy met us at our hotel and tears began to fall as she threw her arms around me. This woman has provided me with more strength that I could ever imagine. She whispered in my ear “Its gonna be all right Mannie.” Those words melted my soul.
Being in the car can make one hungry, like so hungry you would wrestle an alligator and eat it for dinner hungry. Olive Garden was a wise choice and my watermelon martini hit the right spot. Darn that thing was good, I’d go back just for that cocktail.
Watermelon Martini
After lunch we headed over to Cooks Corner the nations largest (that’s their claim) kitchen store. I only have one reason to go here and no it’s not for the awesome cooking gear. They have amazing fudge, yes fudge more flavours than you could ever try. sherbert was their new flavour and it was amazing. Yum! Yum!
As most of you know I am working as a contract paralegal for one of the large firms in town and I have a little inside joke with a coworker. An the joke just got better at the kitchen store. Two words: Gummy Alligator. I was laughing so hard the clerk must have thought I was nuts or drunk. This was one of the most funniest candies I have ever seen and was the perfect gift for the Sherpa.
So with my fudge, gummy alligator and new kitchen finds we set off for the mall. You must know I took Angela to the mall so she could get a boob job. Its true I did. I got her a bra education session, a proper fitting, and her boobs they are pretty darn perky. Angela is now more confident in herself and her boobs stand at attention. Real friends take their friends to get good bras. It’s true they do.
Captains Walk is also the other reason I decided on Green Bay. I love love this winery and their staff is mighty darn fantastic. Plus they know me by name (yup it’s that bad) and their wines can’t be beat. To be honest out of all of the wineries in America Captains Walk is my hands down favorite. I get sad when I run out of their wine, so sad that I have to place my order online and then get carded by the UPS man. Anyways Joy and I helped Angela pick her wines and made sure she had an awesome time.
Soon it was time for Joy to head into work and we were left without a tour guide. Never fear I have a GPS and got around Green Bay just fine. Dinner at Brett Farves steak house was a bust, Applebees had better fair, booze in a bag is handy and our hotel, well we didn’t get mugged.
Since our night was mugging free and our hazemat suits were tucked away we hit the road. The road to Appleton that is. Yes, a visit with Joy almost always involves two things BBQ and red velvet cake. At Famous Dave’s I explained what was going on, my man troubles, I let the C word fly, and advised that I haven’t felt right in a while. This sent Angela and Joy into a game of twenty questions, both decided a ritual of protection was in order.
Supplies were bought, in the circle I sat, and waited for whatever this was to leave. Leave it did and my bad ninja mojo was gone. Replaced by cold, cold, and more cold. I was totally wearing a fleece on a 90 degree day. The day slipped into night and it was time for Angela and I to head home. The trip was way to short.
Charlie tells me hard liquor fixes everything. That is if it is drank while playing a board game. Its funny his brother said the exact same thing about liquor and marshmallows. Liquor and marshmallows fixed my sorority girl problems when followed by a dose of manly advice.
Advice that seemed to flow into one ear and out the other. Sometimes I’d listen to Connor and other times I’d nod my head as he rambled on. Often his voice was drowned out by the crashing waves that hit the shores of park point. I’d give anything to be back on that beach. I know it’s a lost cause, so I guess hard liquor and board games will do.
A good friend knows that your fretting just by the look in your eyes. As Charlie opened the door he took one look and said “Oh babe I’ll grab the wine, you wanna play connect four?” I haven’t played connect four in years. Charlie was way to excited for this he popped the cork and ripped the box open. I watched quietly as he eagerly put the game together and popped the checkers out from their plastic mold. He looked at me padded the floor, “Here babes it’s all set. Now whats your problem today?” I just laughed.
Laughter provides me with comfort. If I can laugh no one needs to know that on the inside I am falling apart. No one needs to know that I hurt someone and have no idea how to repair the harm I’ve caused.
In truth I’m not even really sure what I did. If I knew I would fix it. One thing I’ve learned in life is that men are complicated. Oh God are they complicated creatures. Manuals, men need to come with manuals. That would be awesome, we could just look up strange look and bingo we’d know exactly what we did wrong. I think a man manual is a few years off, after all we did just get a little thing called the iPad.
Since I don’t have a man manual I guess Charlie’s insight will have to do. I slipped my first checker into the slot. Charlie told me “Amjay your black, yea cause your mood if funky today kiddo.” Some days I want to kick Charlie. But today is not his lucky day. After all he is putting up with me and my big girl problems.
Problems that seem so simple yet so hard to solve. One can’t hash out old feelings if the other side isn’t willing to talk. I am tired of this game we play. I throw a text out there. You don’t respond. I see you in the skyway, I duck and turn my back. I even hold my breath as I get into the elevator in this very building praying it doesn’t stop on your floor.
Then one day I realized something. We are adults. So as fate would have it I ran into you late one night. I was going to keep on walking but, hello flew out of my mouth faster than I could walk away. I was stuck. We exchanged pleasantries and that was that. Again I chucked another text message into the wind. Nothing. Nothing comes back. Are paths crossed again. Being the bigger person I said hi, you coldly said hello and darted away. I figured you were busy.
This game needs to stop. I am tired of it. I am sorry, I truly am sorry for whatever I said, did or text to you. It was never my intention to hurt you. I met you at the wrong time. I met you when my life as I knew it was slipping through my fingers. It was changing faster than I can spell Mississippi. Its funny one year ago today I was sitting next to you carrying on a conversation. Your ADHD brain switching topics faster than I could think. Yet, I kept up with you as you chatted about your job, your new bike, daughter, and whale wars.
To be honest I didn’t know where it would go and how it would end. It didn’t really end, it just kind of fizzled. An life got busy for me and you.
I explained this all to Charlie. He looked at me, ha Amjay connect four I win! take a shot!. I downed the shot. Charlie always laughs as I wiggle after taking a shot of whiskey. He tells me ” You’d make a sad man, men don’t wiggle after downing a shot of whiskey!”
An babes “Men don’t walk away from unfinished business. Fate will give you the chance to explain. You just need to be patient and let things flow. If he never mans up, its his loss and well he’ll just have to be angry forever. There’s nothing you can do to change how he feels. He doesn’t know you, he is missing out on the real AmandaJean that we all know and love. Hell what man doesn’t like a woman who swears like a truck driver. You need to put your manly pants on and think like a man hun.”
Oh boy. Manly pants. I don’t think I have manly pants. Ha! Charlie look at that connect four! I win. “See babes you’ve got your manly pants on!” Hard liquor doesn’t fix everything, but playing a game takes your mind off the world. Charlie maybe on to something here.
I am so thankful to be able to celebrate fathers day with Pete. It’s hard for me to think that my pillar of strength was almost taken away from me 10 years ago. This man isn’t just my father, Pete is a late night therapist, a cheer leader, and mostly he is my best friend. This man gave me life. He taught me to have faith in things unseen and to always always have HOPE.
June 27th will mark 1 year since I left my x husband. Wow, really wow one year is almost here. I remember the day I left and how broken I was. The woman that pulled the prius out of the drive on Brighton trail, isn’t the woman I know today.
Honestly I was never happy in my marriage. I kept up a good act of making people think we were the perfect couple in the perfect house. The house that was supposed to make us closer turned into a 3,000 sq foot battle ground. A battle that was always raging. In truth I was dying inside. I was trying to earn the love of a man who never wanted me.
A man who shoved my dreams, my needs, and wants to the bottom of the pile. His family (brothers and parents) always came before me. Heck I wasn’t even second on his list. He cared more about his whores, than me. He gave compliments, glances, and his kindness to every woman that wasn’t his wife. He’d sneak off in the middle of the night to warm another woman’s bed, Craigslist was his play ground, and I was left alone. Left trying to make our marriage work.
Work was something he never understood. He never understood that we were suppose to be a team. That it took two to make a marriage. He was always checked out and I was left to take care of his child. A child that I didn’t want to lose. I worked hard to give Nylan a family, a home, and a life he deserved to live. I would count down the days until Nylan would arrive from Texas. Plan outings, meals, and revel in the joy he gave me. Nylan, is the sole reason I stayed.
I felt I owed it to Nylan to make our family work, so I stayed. Soon, I couldn’t take it anymore. I brought it up to the x and a huge argument exploded before my eyes. He told me ” your fat I am not attracted to you anymore. You are the only problem in our marriage.” Thats right in his eyes, I was always the problem and he never did anything wrong. I hate to say it, but his choice in women isn’t the greatest. As long as she was loose, ready and willing he’d fuck her until the sun came up. I’m sorry but your never going to find a quality woman on craigs list. I had enough.
I had nothing left to give to this man and I no longer had the strength to make things work. I was a stranger in my own body. No one has ever made me feel like he did and no one will ever belittle me again.
No one will ever rob me of my happiness, my self-worth, and my kung fu again. The day I walked out of that house, I felt a dump truck lift off my shoulders. I had hope again. My laugh was more bubbly, my smile a little brighter, and my life was mine to live.
I was free. Free from the mental and emotional abuse he laid apon me. Free to dream, to dare, and free to hope for a better day. Mainly I realized that I am worth it. That I matter in this world.
One Year Later:
I realize now that giving up law school for marriage was the DUMBEST decision I have ever made in my life. Yet, it isn’t something I would change. Because each moment of darkness we endure makes us stronger. When I first left, I didn’t realize that I had been a victim of abuse. To me abuse happens when someone throws a punch. Abuse in a marriage takes many forms, for me it was mental and emotional. With the help of my family, friends, and one hell of a therapist I came out on the other side. I cried the first time that someone told me I mattered. It had been five long years since I had heard the words “You matter to me.”
Knowing that I matter heals some of the pain and brings me comfort on quiet nights. The first few months were rough, I was trying desperately to find a rhythm and clinging to anything I could grasp. Slowly I found the rhythm and let go of the safety net. The constant need to be in contact with friends dwindled. Long gone are the months of 8,000 text messages. They have been replaced with independence and the ability to just be. To be me, without my black berry glued to my hand. My hands actually hold other things now. An my friends have grown with me.
We had to learn together. They had to realize that a lack of a text, tweet, or message doesn’t mean I’m dead. In reality I can’t blame them for being concerned, after all I did almost die on my friends and family. They know that I love them and that this is how the pre-marriage AmandaJean used to be.
That I am back, the sassy, stubborn, big-hearted, independent take no bull shit from anyone AmandaJean is back. I have dabbled in dating. Dating provides me with more blunders than successes. I am still single and at the end of the day I am ok with that.
The x husband would tell me “bear you’ll never make it on your own.” Well I’ve got a roof over my head, my bills are paid, the muppet has food in his bowl and my bank account is in the positive.
There are days I wish I could head to Target and ask the pharmacist “Do you have strength in a bottle?” Imagine the blank stare I’d get from the pharmacist. Trust me I’ve searched and a bottle of Strength isn’t in the vitamin isle nor is it in the beverage isle. Strength is something we gain, something we pull out of our little toe when we have nothing left to go on.
It amazes me how cruel people can be and how quickly they pass judgement on to someone. The other day someone told me: “Ya know AmandaJean your infertility is God’s way of thinning the heard.” I honestly didn’t know what to do, I just looked down at the ground and said “I didn’t do this to myself, I am not flawed, my my body just got destroyed.”
People are so quick to judge. If they only knew what I’ve been through, what happened to me. Then, then they would understand. My body wasn’t meant to carry a child, my eggs are fertile, but I can’t go through IVF because of the hormones. The hormones are what put me in this mess. The birth control I used robbed me of my body and it took away they very thing I was trying to prevent. Yet, that very same birth control that almost ended my life, brought me more strength than I could ever imagine.
The strength to live, the strength to inject myself twice a day for 3 weeks with life saving Lovenox, the strength to endure 6 months of twice a week INR tests, countless CT Scans, and the strength to take a new infection in my lung with a grain of salt. Strength to understand that I will never be the woman that I once was. Time and time again I am reminded of how lucky I am. Reminded that if I had gotten to the hospital 5 minutes later, I would be dead. Thats right I would have been dead at 26.
Death is the alternative and that is one I am not willing to visit anytime soon. Uterine cancer tried to take over my body. It lost I won. Winning is something I’ve been doing a lot of lately. The best decision I made was to fight for my body and bring it back from the aftermath of the birth control.
Slowly my body is coming back. The meds are right, vitamins are great, and today is a good day. Tomorrow is uncertain and constant chest pain reminds me to fight a little harder. There are days where I am ok with not having children and then there are days where I cry into my cheeros before work. I have always been a fan of options.
Options provide me with hope and I don’t want to completely close the door on motherhood. My right of carrying and creating a child was taken from me. An I will be damned if someone or anyone tries to take away my option of adoption or a surrogate. Those options are mine and you can’t take them from me.
So this is what I have to say to the haters and to the people who don’t understand: No, my inability to carry a child is not God’s way of thinning the heard. It is not his way of eliminating my genes from the gene pool. He is looking out for me and that is why God brought me Angela, a woman who wants to be my surrogate. That is why we have thousands of orphans all around the world waiting for a woman like me to be there mom. I am not damaged, I am not flawed, nor am I inferior to you. I am simply me and this, this was God’s plan. You can look down on me and you can snicker behind my back. Go ahead throw your religous garbage at my feet and make me feel weak. Because nothing you can say or do will make me feel inferior. Nothing will break my strength. Maybe one day when I don’t need it, I will bottle my strength and sell it to you.
I am a firm believer that everything in life no matter good or bad happens for a reason. My last position ended miserably, yet even then I found a piece of silver in the lining. Maybe I was brought there to meet the wonderful Miss. Angela. I am grateful for her friendship and she is quickly becoming one of my favorite BFFs. Yea, Yea I know I’ve got like 300 BFFs. Come on now, every Ninja needs a pack and well my BFFs are my Ninja crew.
Ninjas always travel in pairs. It’s true they do. Friday night we went out to celebrate my new-found employment. I love my job. What can I say its a big giant leap forward from the last joint I worked. Professionalism rules the day and best of all there is no Kansas girl. Thank God for that! An its blissfully quiet no annoying shrill talking about their family in the background, just pure silent bliss. This was worth celebrating. An Celebrate we did. Dinner at Barrio yummy margaritas, The Big Ginger at The Local, and well all evenings must end in cake. Angela was a very good sport, putting up with my ADD brain and the ooo let’s go here, now there mind set.
Saturday morning brought me a nasty surprise. The Prius had a flat. I was on my way into do some work at the firm and didn’t notice that I had a flat tire until I drove half way down the block. Yay for AAA, they came quick, changed my tire and I was on my way. Thanks to the tire protection plan, I didn’t have to pay for the repair. Sadly the tire tech told me that there was a screw in my tire and that I didn’t pick it up on the road. Someone put the screw into the side wall of my tire. What the hell, can’t people just leave things alone. Do you realize how dangerous that could have been if my tire blew while going 70mph? Do you realize I could have been hurt? Thank God I was close to home and only going 20mph when I noticed it. I have a sneaking suspicion of who placed said screw in my tire. On the bright side I didn’t let the flat get me down. Nope not one bit. Tires are fixable, life is to short, and well what goes around comes around.
In deed it does. Life works in mysterious ways. Part of my Saturday plans were tossed because of the tire. Yet, I didn’t let me stop it from my pending Ninja Antics. There is always Ninja time. I had an awesome afternoon teaching a group of kids about CSA’s and helping them plant a community garden. Dirty hands are the best hands to have. It reminds us that we are connected to this earth and that it is a part of us. After the garden was planted, it was time to tackle The Bear at Pizza Luce with friends and sip wine while watching the clouds roll by. This, this is the life. Everything I’ve worked for has finally come to me. Hard work and ninja antics alway pay off in the end.
It’s funny how life goes. We always hear stories about other women and never once think “That could happen to me.”
I’ve always had dreams of being a mom. Mothering is something that I am good at. I raised my x husbands child and carried a baby that’s now in heaven. After my child loss everyone told me “Oh you will be pregnant soon enough, don’t worry its just a fluke, and you’ll be a mom again.” Those words brought me awkward comfort. Comfort that never settled into a calm.
Calm is what I wish my life was full of. But it’s not, some days I wish I could get off the train and then I remember all of the people counting on me. I don’t have time to be sick, to rest, and no time to just be a lump. My life is full of blessings and moments of laughter. Those moments remind me that I have a purpose.
A purpose to change the world, to make a difference, and to serve those in needed. A purpose that doesn’t have time to be sick. In April I learned that my uterus is full of pre-cancerous cells. Cells that are not normal and will not go away on their own. My options are a D&C to scrape the uterus clean or the more drastic eviction of my uterus a partial hysterectomy. I wanted to burst into tears at the news, instead I held it in and looked blankly out the window.
For me a D&C is out of the question. I had a D&C when I lost Alucious and I am never, mark my word going down that road again. The D&C did not go well, it left me with a 4 inch rip in my uterus and a damaged cervix. I am not putting myself through that again. This option would save my uterus and would possibly allow me to carry a child.
At 28 I never thought I would be watching my fertility slip through my fingers. No one ever told me, “Hey 28 year olds face some tough shit. You are going to be one of those girls.” I’ve come to far in life to give up. My birth control almost took my life, I survived a stroke and PE, to me I can and will do anything to survive.
The doctor brought in a counselor for me to talk to. She gave my pamphlets on egg retrieval and surrogates. I thought to myself “Are these people nuts, hormones are what put me into this mess.” Then she explained that embryos survive better than eggs alone do. What the flip, I am not even married I said. I would feel terrible if I met a man one day and said “Hey yea I don’t have a uterus but, umm I’ve got embryos it’s not your sperm, but yea it will be our baby.” I would feel terrible knowing that I took a man’s right to reproduce away. Everyone deserves to see themselves recreated and to feel the birth of their child. I can’t go down that road.
Roads right now are pointing to the eviction of my uterus. I am still taking time to let this sink in. Part of me hopes that this is all a dream. Yet, I wake up each day and my broken no good uterus is still with me. Stupid thing! To be honest I feel cheated by God, cheated out of the right to carry, to birth my own child. For now I am taking it day by day. I am exploring all of my options and at this point I am not ready to say good-bye to my uterus. I’ve had it for 28 years and I am not ready to give up on it. With or without the pre cancerous cells, my uterus still won’t be able to carry a child. Thank you inter uterine scaring, a mark left from a bad D&C.
I am a fighter through and through. I’ve got an amazing family and a bunch of awesome Ninjas that I happily call friends. I cried my tears shouted and stomped, now its time to take action. Action to save my life. I will not be harvesting my eggs, hormones are what got me into this mess in the first place. So one day when I am 80, just maybe I will adopt a beautiful baby. Today I am ok with being childless and look forward to a life filled with adventures. My broken uterus is a part of me and if I must evict her, then I will serve that notice with pride.
I love the constitution as much as the next paralegal/lawyer. I love the fact that our country was created on its principles. That a group of men had a vision, a vision of a land where everyone was equal and free. As our country grew, so did our constitution. Amendments are a beautiful thing, they gave women the right to vote and made people of color equal citizens. It clearly states that State and church shall remain separate.
Separate is an understatement. All to often our law makers and even our president blur the lines between church and state. It disgust me to no end that people are using our beloved constitution as a weapon in a which hunt. A which hunt that will not end at creating amendments banning gay marriage. We are a country built on dreams, hopes, and ideas. One man knew that this could be the place, the land of equality and freedom. Thousands of men fought and died to protect our freedoms, to protect our way of life. An I will be damned if their deaths do not stand for something. They paid the ultimate price. The price so that we could be free.
I am a very proud God Mother to my God Daughter Rose. I remember the day T & C came to me and asked me to write a recommendation to the adoption agency on their behalf. I didn’t think twice. I told T & C that it would be an honor, an honor to help these two men become fathers. A child doesn’t care if you are gay or straight. As long as you show them love, love is all they need. An it doesn’t matter if that love comes from same-sex parents or heterosexual parents. Its love! Plain and simple it comes down to love!
Rose is a beautiful little girl. T & C love her without question, they are the two most amazing parents you will ever meet. To see the love they have for Rose is amazing. She is the best dressed little girl I know. I stood proudly next to T & C at the baptismal font. I took a vow that I would protect and raise Rose with everything that I had and would teach her about God. I once got in trouble in college for making this statement “If we are all made in the image of God, then well part of God is gay too.” I got a lot of heat for that statement, but I still believe in it. God does not turn his back on people. People turn their backs on people. We lose hope.
Hope. Is what I see when I look at T, C, and Rose. A beautiful wild Hope that shows we are moving in the right direction. Yet, so many want to hinder our Hope. They believe that same-sex couple should not marry. It breaks my heart, it truly does. My hope is to stand at T & C’s side as they say I do. Just like I did at the baptismal font. I want to cheer them on, throw rice in their hair, and party down at their wedding. This should not go to a vote. We are Minnesotans, people know us for our manners, for our visions, and mostly we are a people of Hope.
So it is my HOPE that you will reach out to someone who is gay and tell them I AM BEHIND YOU. Let them know that you have hope, hope that they will one day gain the right to marry. Rose deserves to live in a world where her parents can marry. She deserves to know a world of HOPE and to put this hate behind her. Rose is T & C’s greatest joy and that joy knows no boundaries.
Have Bear Will Travel 