{Road Tripping} November Adventures

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We are blessed in Minnesota. Out west are the prairies, to the south the Mississippi River valley, to the east well its pretty much wisconsin, but the real magic is up north. Lake Superior is magic and in the winter the north shore truly shines with frozen water falls and snow covered pines.

Lake Superior is a canvas that changes with the seasons. Winter brings a whole different level of wanderlust. Superior calls you and brings you to her ever changing shore. As you walk you notice frozen waterfalls high above the tunnel cliffs and take in where water meets the sky.

Gooseberry takes on a whole new life in the winter and she is beautiful. Her summer roar is silenced by the ice, yet she is strong and she still flows. Winter is my favorite time of year to see the falls, the crowds are long gone and it is quiet. So quiet that you can hear the pines rustle in the wind and if you listen close enough you can hear the cracking of the ice.

Christmas lights light up the Duluth harbor as the chilly wind reaches around your back to remind you that, yes it is still winter. Bentlyville is Minnesota’s answer to the Christmas light fight, it’s beautiful, magical, and simply I cannot begin to describe in words how amazing it is. All of the lights are timed to music while eager children line up to chat with Santa.

Even though it is cold, winter is a great time to visit Duluth and take in the attractions. Groupon lead us to the Lake Superior Zoo. If you are not familiar with the Zoo you should definitely go! The zoo is still recovering from the 2012 flash floods that took every one by surprise, including the seal who was swimming down grand avenue. In the Zoo you will of course find animals and an unexpected water fall. The very falls that flooded and caused the damage to the Zoo.

As you know Christmas lights instantly turn me into a giddy 8 year old. When a friend of mine posted about the lights in Mankato I knew I had to go! Mankato is an hour drive for us and Jay was up for the adventure. Along the way we notice this huge building outline in lights….. it was Minnesota’s Largest Candy store!! I have heard about this mystical place but had never been and Jay well he knows me all to well and pulled right on in.

Like words cannot describe this place! It is fucking amazing!!! They have practically every candy your little heart could imagine and then some. From glass bottle sodas to pies, to gummy turkey legs, and OMG the world’s greatest chips! Yes I said worlds greatest chips! Zapp’s to be exact! Are fucking hands down the only chips you will ever need in your life. It’s been established that I cannot eat anything of the chocolate variety, nut rolls get me excited! Homemade nut rolls to be exact and of course I bought two. One peanut and one pecan because hello options! In addition to that I walked out with a couple pieces of divinity and I was instantly 5 again standing in my grandma’s living room. She made it every holiday and I have long for it since her passing. Anyways this place! You guys is amazing!! You must go!!

Now back to the lights because hello the lights were my original reason for the trip. Sibley Park is beautifully lit and best of all they give you options. You can A. Get out of your car and walk or B. You can drive through the lights. We chose to do both. The lights like in Duluth are timed to music which for some reason makes it more fun. I liked the lights in Mankato a lot better than Bentleyville. Why you ask? Because there wasn’t a huge crowed and we didn’t feel rushed, plus they were simply beautiful. Not to mention the park is home to some real life reindeer which I am certain will take flight on Christmas Eve.

Two tiny tyrants rounded out our November adventure. Because hello what’s more fun than going to Auntie’s house to decorate cookies, play Operation, and Watch Christmas movies. It’s an excellent time with little to no rules and if you want to eat the sprinkles go on ahead, we’ll get you a bowl!

Just for fun, let’s throw in a few photos of the light rail derailment that happened right outside my office. It truly made the last day of November interesting. I stood in the skyway FaceTiming Jack so he could see the broken train as he asked “Auntie they fixing it” in his sweet little voice. The train was righted at around 7:30 and by morning light rail trains were chugging down the tracks. It’s all fixed now, in which I again had to FaceTime Jack to show him that, yes the trains are fixed.

I hope all of you have a fabulous November filled with adventure, love, and more laughter than one soul could ever handle.

{Hearts on 22} 8 Borrowed Years

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It seems like it was yesterday that I was laying in ICU wondering what my life was going to be like. Would I thrive in my new normal or would I flounder. Would I always see myself as a victim or would I find my survivor shoes and thrive? There were a lot of what ifs that day followed by unknowns. Even though I was scared, I put on my big girl pants and never looked back. I was given a second chance and this, this was going to be my time to shine.

In order to shine, I had to break. That one day changed my life forever. That one blood clot changed who I was and I’ve never looked back. My life isn’t the same, it’s better than I ever dreamed it could be. Instead of saying “why me!?” I said “why not me!?” And from that moment on my passion was born. I’ve crisscrossed this country educating women about the deadly side affects of hormonal contraceptives and the signs and symptoms of blood clots and strokes. My story, my words, my experience has saved lives. I endured the worst day possible so that they didn’t have to.

My pulmonary embolism and stoke, along with the Nuvaring will always be apart of my story. Whether I like it or not, we are and will always be BFFs. I was the one in five who got to walk away from a deadly situation. The four people who died so I could be the statistic who lived are the people I fight for because they no longer can. Their lives matter to me. My stroke would have been worse if I didn’t get the TPA in time. All to often I am reminded that I could be paralyzed or have mental impairments. The fore mentioned don’t need to happen, Time is your worst enemy when you are having a stroke. Always remember to act FAST and when you do you will save a life and that very life might be your own.

Life, it goes on. Whether we like it or not it goes on. I have lived more in 8 years than most people do in a lifetime. My 8 borrowed years have not been perfect, they have been a down right blunder. But it’s my blunder. I’ve lost two babies, got a divorce, buried a fiancé, got a dog, changed jobs half a dozen times until I found the perfect fit, traveled, gave a speech on capital hill, lobbied for our healthy tomorrow, was on a billboard, in a TV commercial, drank good wine, laughed until my belly hurt, dated (dating is hard yo!), become an auntie twice over, moved, fell deeply in love, and have 3 embryos on ice, we are one step closer to our take home baby.

What do I hope for borrowed year #8? It is my hope that year #8 will bring me our take home baby. I love being a mom to my four legged kids. We have Cullen the pesky older brother, Dexter the bitchy cat, and Stiffy the lone wolf. These 3 fur kids are quite possibly the most spoiled fur kids on the planet. Ever since I can remember I have always had a desire to mother. I’ve come close twice, but God he had other plans and my babies lives ended before they ever had a chance to start. Two pieces of me rest in heaven and my babies they will always be. While I am STILL a mother, I want to be the mother to a baby I can take Home. Right this moment I am so close to that dream, we have three little embryos waiting for us. One of them I am certain is our take home baby and soon I will hear two feet running amongst their four legged siblings. Motherhood is my hope for year #8.

October 22, 2009 seems like it was a lifetime ago, yet only 8 years have passed. I am lucky. I am grateful and I am humble. This borrowed time I am living on is the greatest gift of all and I treasure every moment, from the good, to the bad, and the down right ugly. Not many people get a moment that allows you to refocus your life. I had to break, before she could shine. That moment gave me strength and made me determined to always always fight for our healthy tomorrows. Because this day, this day is not a given and one day my time will come and I want to leave this world a little better than I found it.

Here’s to year #8, May she be kind and filled with wonder.

{Infertile Me} October – Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

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I have mixed emotions this October. My heart she is filled with hope, but my soul she aches for the two babies she didn’t get to keep. I also ache for those mamas who heard the words “I’m sorry but you can’t get pregnant again.” I’ve heard those words, those words didn’t sink in until I exhausted all of the experts. Each one said no and each one said a natural pregnancy was a slim chance. Baby E was my slim chance, God he had other plans, and my baby went to heaven to be with his brother. Baby E had to many chromosomes and wasn’t meant to be ours, yet my baby you will always be.

Lucia, my sweet Lucia was my silver lining to a very dark storm. He was a surprise, April Fools day 2010 I found out he was on board and I loved him from the first scan. However the love that I had for my son could not bring him back from Heaven’s grasp, so I said goodbye and mourn his absence. Lucia should be in First grade this year, maybe he’d be playing peewee football or take up the cello like his mama. My heart was cheated and it forever aches for all the moments that could have been. My son he will always be.

Lucia & Baby E will always be a part of me, because two pieces of my heart rest in heaven. #OperationTakeahome baby is not and never will be a replacement for my children. He or she will grow up knowing that two babies came before them and that mama fought like hell to get pregnant so that they could be here. Part of me realizes that if both my babies had survived I would not be going through IVF. This journey, we never know where it will take us. Because my babies died, because my body never reset itself, I am going through IVF.

All of the loss and heartache I have endured have lead me to this moment. I am grateful, because in the loss I found beauty, in heartache I found strength, and now I have hope that our take home baby is just around the corner.

I am STILL a mother, I am an IVF warrior. My heart she may be broken but she is ready.

{Infertile Me} Operation Embryo

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My stomach looks like I have been brutally punched by multiple elephants. These bruises and I are not strangers, we’ve been here before, except this time I am not fighting for my life. I am fighting for eggs that lord willing will turn into embryos that will turn into our take home baby.

I was prepared for the daily injections of the fertility meds, however I was not prepared for the flood of emotions that came with the lovenox burning under my skin. Lovenox, we have a love hate relationship. I can’t stand the ground she walks on but I need her in my life. She is the key to my survival without her I could not go through IVF and without her Jay has the potential of walking out of the hospital with our baby alone. Him walking out alone rocks me to my core and lovenox, she knows this. She knows I need her more than she needs me.

Lovenox knows that I made a choice. A choice to use a birth control that almost killed me and because of twice daily injections for 6 months I am alive. Technically I owe her a thousand thank yous, which she will never get because she burns me like no one has before. Because seeing her on my bathroom counter is a reminder that I almost died and because of that I cannot have a normal IVF experience or pregnancy.

Enough about that bitch Lovenox, the real reason you are here is to find out about operation embryos. Per my clinic I am on protocol 3 with Saizen, (human growth hormone) which cost $918.00 for a teeny tiny vial. I’ve been getting Lovenox (see there she is again) and menopur in the morning and Gonal F and Siazen at night. We have more needles and alcohol wipes than we know what to do with at the moment. It’s insane! Jay is getting really good at giving shots! Props to me! I’ve been doing some of the shots myself so Jay can sleep in a little bit.

So far operation embryo: follicle stage is going strong. Thursday’s scans showed 11 follicles that could result in 11 eggs. Which is really good for someone with diminished ovarian reserve and old eggs. I honestly feel amazing on the meds, it’s clear my body is getting something that it is missing. Most importantly it’s actually growing something she is suppose to be growing!!! Like “go you body! Go you!!” Which makes me really happy.

The clinic will continue to monitor me right up until retrieval day, the day we find out if my follicles have eggs inside. Eggs! I want all the eggs! Give AJ all the eggs! Technically all we need is one golden egg that will turn into our embryo. Tentative retrieval date is next Friday and let me tell you I have a super awesome shirt to wear to surgery. It involves a T-Rex!!!! Yes an unstoppable T-Rex, because this girl wasn’t given a choice, she just showed up, and she just did it!

{Lucia} Back To School

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Over the past week my Facebook feed has been flooded with back to school photos. Normally I click like and move on my merry way. This year the “today is my first day of first grade photos” are hitting me harder than I’d like. The photos of smiling first graders with carefully packed backpacks are tugging at my heart strings causing me to hit like as I fight back tears. This year is hard, my son his photo is missing in my feed. My Lucia is seven and he should be holding a sign grinning back at me as we wait for the bus to arrive.

There will be no bus pulling into our street. There will be no backpack and schools supplies to purchase. No shopping for clothes and the perfect pair of tennis shoes. No lunchbox to fill and no child to send off to school. My son he died, 7 years ago he died and all of the firsts died with him. Lucia got cheated out of a life time of firsts and moments in the sun.

Part of me wonders if Lucia would have been like me, brilliant with the worlds shortest attention span. ADD is a label I’ve been sporting since I was 7, yes 7 is when I was diagnosed. I have to believe that if Lucia did have it his elementary years would be better than mine. That his teachers would not shy away from teaching him, that they would see and harness his potential. Maybe he would learn cursive, lord knows I couldn’t help him practice because I was never taught. His brilliance is lost to this world, only God knows how bright he is and I pray that one day I’ll find out too.

The other day I watched Sophia and Jack barrel down the sidewalk on their bike/trike and thought “Lucia is missing.” In my mind I could picture Lucia racing Sophia down the street on his batman bike as Jack struggled to keep up shouting “Sissy! Lucia! I see you.” Jack would be the third wheel as Sophia & Lucia raced around the neighborhood. I thought about how Sophia and Jack have no idea that they are missing a cousin and that they got cheated out of a lifetime of fun. When they are older I’ll tell them why Auntie really has four paw prints tattooed on her foot, and that Auntie has two babies in heaven, for now they don’t need to know that babies die.

Babies die. Its a hard and lonely fact. I learned this not once but twice. I got cheated out of a lifetime of firsts with Lucia and Baby E. My babies died before they even got a chance to make an impact on this world. One thing is for certain even though the world will never know them, they changed my world forever and a piece of me will always be in heaven.

{Infertile Me} Operation Take Home Baby

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I spent Tuesday working from home and anxiously awaiting the FedEx truck. I poked my head out the door at the sound of a truck, no truck was to be seen. Waiting was harder than I thought. This just wasn’t a regular package, this package had been carefully packed and contained a little over $10,000.00 in medication and supplies. That package was our ticket to a take home baby.

Somewhere between staring at spreadsheets and listening for trucks I noticed Cullen scratching at the door. Finally FedEx had arrived. The sweet delivery woman threw Cullen a treat and asked “where’s your kitchen honey, this needs to be refrigerated.” I showed her to the kitchen and signed for the packages. Overwhelmed is how I felt when I looked at my medicine filled counter. It all sank in that I was going to go through with IVF and that this was my one and only chance for a baby.

Somewhere between the needles and vials lies a seed of hope, hope that I to will get to be a mom. IVF is not for the faint of heart, it’s a journey for the strongest of the strong. It’s scary as fuck. You can put in all of the time, effort and money and still walk away without a baby. It’s literally a crap shoot. It’s left up to God and Science. I start priming at the end of August and with a lot of faith and a little luck the egg retrieval will be in September. If we get viable embryos they will be frozen and in November we will transfer our little thawed embryo that could back to me.

Hope and faith become your fuel, you my dear become unstoppable. Right now I cannot comprehend this process in its entirety, if I did I’d talk myself out of it. All I can comprehend right now is eggs. Once eggs are extracted I can allow myself to think about embryos. Once our embryos are safely frozen I can start to think about transfer. After transfer I can start to think about pregnancy. I struggle with the pregnancy piece, it scares the shit out of me and makes me anxious.

I’ve been pregnant twice before which ended in losses. My babies rest in the heavenly skies and paint the colors of the sunrise. My heart cannot take another “I’m sorry there isn’t a heart beat” or “I’m sorry there is not fetal pole.” Those words cut through you like a knife, you cannot think, you just freeze and the tears begin to fall. Your worst nightmare becomes your reality and there is no backing away from it. A piece of your heart lies in heaven and you must walk this earth without them.

My heart she is wise and she knows that we can only do this once. I pray that my third time and Jay’s second does not lead to heartache. I desperately long for the day where I can feel the weight of our take home baby in my arms. That day, my turn is coming. We are all in and there is no looking back! Because the rainbow we’ve been chasing is finally in our grasp.

{Hearts On 22} Rally For Research

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Somewhere in this country a woman is experiencing the worst day of her life. She is in pain, she is scared, and she will never be the same. In the coming days, weeks, and months she will learn that her birth control was the cause of her worst day. That her birth control caused her stroke or heart attack or blood clot or pulmonary embolism. She knows it was her birth control because she survived. Many families never learn why their wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend suddenly died. They live their lives only knowing that she is simply gone.

Gone. If it were not for my fast acting care team, I would be resting in a little urn on a shelf. My mom literally came this close (shows fingers) to picking out my urn instead of my 27th Halloween themed birthday cake. I was lucky, I was the 1 out of 5 who survived a massive pulmonary embolism with infarction that lead to a stroke. Because of research I saw my 27th themed Halloween birthday cake, it had a jack o lantern on it and it was perfect. I survived my worst day possible.

I was weak, I felt cheated, and I was angry that my life was gone. I had to learn how to live in a new normal of Lovenox injections, INR draws, warfarin sodium, to many pills to count, doctors appointments and CT scans. I wasn't living the life of a 27 year old, I was living the life of someone much much older. Yet it was my life to live and I had one choice: "survive or give in." I chose to survive.

Survival is not perfect. This second chance I live is pretty fucking messy and hella awesome at the same time. I put on a red dress and never looked back. The American Heart Association gave me a platform to share my story, they put the voice back into the survivor and Now my story is saving lives. I meet women who come up to me and say I heard your story and I decided to talk to my doctor about my risks and what birth control is safe for me. That right there makes my little heart sing. I can't go back and change my story, but I can share mine to change someone else's story.

We know that my massive pulmonary embolism with infraction and stroke were caused by my hormonal contraceptive, but we don't know why. At the time I was healthy, I did not smoke, I wasn't over the age of 35, I wasn't over weight, yet it happened. Further testing showed that I was negative for Factor V along with a whole host of other genetic conditions that lead to clothing. I was genetically perfect, yet some how some way it happened to me.

If scientist can figure out why it happened to someone it shouldn't statistically happen to, we can stop it from happening in other women. In order to find that why, we need funds for research. The government is the largest financial contributor for medical research and if those funds get scraped my why goes out the window. The ability to save thousands upon thousands of lives goes up in smoke. You and I we can make a difference, reach out to your congressman & women and tell them that you support the funding of medical research. Come to the MN capital on Saturday @ 1:00PM central time and stand with us as we rally for medical research. Bring a poster, yell at the top of your lungs and make a difference, help us secure our healthy tomorrows.

Mostly let's face it, without research we are dead in the water, our doctors are only as good as the researchers who stand behind them and without them we have nothing.

{Infertile Me} Ready, Set, IVF!?

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I currently have four boxes of generic Lovenox sitting on my kitchen counter. Seeing those boxes brought back a lot of old feelings and memories. This time I am no longer fighting to stay alive, instead I am fighting a battle to get pregnant.

Pregnant. Is a word that cuts through me like a knife. Being pregnant actually terrifies me. Part of me was hoping that the perinatologist would say no to my crazy endeavor. Instead she said "40 units of lovenox through Stims and 20 weeks gestation. At 20 weeks you will switch to 60 and so on." She advised that if I got pregnant with twins we'd have to double the dose. Twins, she approved me for two embryos, not just one but two. She is leaving it up to me to decide.

Getting an approval and a lovenox protocol assigned was the easy part. Now comes the hard part, growing eggs that lord willing will turn into healthy little embryos that will grow into our take home baby. I still haven't decided yet on one or two. We will wait to see how strong the embryos are. But first I just need to grow some eggs. Eggs are the only thing I can wrap my head around, the rest is just to magical for me to comprehend. Once I hear that they got eggs I will be at ease and start thinking about embryos. Step by step is how I am digesting this complicated process.

A process that has no guarantees. Just like We walked in, We can walk right back out empty handed. Take home babies are a gift and I have yet to be given one. God took my two babies before I even had a chance to say hello. In my heart I know my babies will hand pick our take home baby, their sibling on earth. When our child is old enough he/she know that he/she is my 3rd baby and that their siblings are in heaven. They died so that this baby could have a place in our arms, this baby to come will be the one who broke the storm, our rainbow.

Here's to healthy eggs that turn into embryos that turn into our take home baby and my sleeping babies who paint the colors of the sunrise.

{Infertile Me} IVF Is Not For Certian 

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There is a misconception that IVF is a given. That  everyone who goes through with IVF gives birth to a baby. Truth is, it’s not. There are so many moving parts that need to connect just right in order for that science baby to thrive. 

First step, Stims. My body could respond awesomely to stims and grow dozens of eggs. Or it could peater out and we end up with a few or none at all. It’s literally a crap shoot and a shoot we only have one chance at winning. If Stims are successful we get to move to step two. 

Second step, egg retrieval. I could go through this process and find out that my follicles were empty resulting in zero eggs. Or we could get let’s say 10 eggs and out of those 5 will fertilize and if we are lucky we will end up with one viable embryo that makes it to blast. Or out of the 10 hypothetical eggs zero fertilaize and were right back where we started. If we’re lucky we get granted a pass for step 3. 

Third step, frozen embryo transfer. The day we’ve been working toward and praying for. The embryo thaws nicely and is ready to return back to me. We wait, we will have to wait two long weeks to find out if it took. It’s not a guarantee and there are so many factors outside of our control and all we can do is hope for the best. 

Before I can even think about step one through three, I have to sit down with a perinatologist and discuss if it’s even possible for me to safely go through Stims. Stims = crazy amount of hormones that could possible cause another blood clot. Blood clots and AJ do not mix well. Lovenox, will be my new best friend as it will hopefully keep the clots away. I’ve been pegnant twice before so I have no doubt that she will let me move forward. After all it is my body and now the question is “is it safe for me to possibly carry twins?” 

Since we are only doing this once and we are opting out of genetic testing it’s crazy expensive and culturally it doesn’t sit well with me our best bet is to implant two. Two little embryos that could. Twin pregnancies carry lots of risks, risks that my body might not be able to handle for she is battered and bruised. In my heart I feel a little selfish asking God for two beautiful embryos, but two is our best chance in conceiving one. If we get twins we will be overwhelmed , yet very happy. 

For now I am in limbo. I meet with the perinatologist on Thursday and once I get the all clear I call the clinic and we start stiming for an August egg retrieval. The plan is to give my body a month to come off of the Stims and by October we should be ready to implant our little embryos, the baby we’ve been waiting for. 

IVF takes a lot out of you. It’s a lot to wrap your head around and to take in. Like who knew there were so many treatment protocols and that you can pick which gender embryos are implanted. Like holy buckets I can pick if I want girls or boys or one of each. Part of me just wants to tell them “put them in and I’ll find out later” and the other part wants to know. I have a sleeping son and one unknown baby, I think those babies would want a sister. My heart wants a girl, Jay wants a girl, we will most likely transfer a girl embryo. With our luck we will end up with all boys, and we will love them just the same. 

With a little luck and a whole lot of faith we will get a lot of eggs that will turn into viable little embryos, that will become our take home baby(s).  

{Infertile Me} Infertile Mertyle with the old EGGS 

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I am a firm believer in second opinions, especially when it comes to the medical profession. In January I settled in to my fertility clinic, I liked the doctor and her staff, they seemed confident that IUI would work. We did 3 IUI cycles and each one resulted in a big fat negative. Heart breaking, that is what the last 6 months have been. In March I learned that my clinic was not covered under my insurance  plan and that I needed to go to CCRM Minneapolis. I kicked my feet, tried to appeal to the insurance company and eventually gave in and scheduled a consult with CCRM. 

Night and day difference. Dr. Hayes didn’t rely on some other doctor’s data and findings. She ordered a slew of tests for Jay and I. Tests that would tell us our over all reproductive health so she could get a better idea of what we are working with. Since the old clinic said everything on my end was normal, I didn’t give it a second though and was confident CCRM’s findings would be the same. I should know by now nothing in my life is easy…….. AJ with the old eggs, yup that’s me AJ with the old ass eggs. 

I spent months doing IUIs that would never have worked. I’ve got old eggs and Jay’s got dumb swimmers. In that moment I felt a little violated by the other clinic and instantly wondered did they know about this and just carried on for the money? I’m sure they knew my resting egg count was low and that only 2% of our swimmers were champs, but they didn’t care, because we paid the bills and so they carried on with treatment. I can’t think about this, if I do it will just cause me more stress than I need right now. I want to believe that they had good intentions but as I’ve learned the IVF industry has a douche canoe around every turn. 

So what happens now? Well our only option of achieving a human of our own is IVF. Each month that ticks by my egg reserve drops, so we need to move quickly. Quick like little bunnies! We already know that we are not going to retrieve a huge number of eggs. At this point we will take what we can get and ICIS will be used to make sure only one swimmer fertilizes the egg. I just pray the our embryos will make it to blast and that will we have one or two to transfer. In my heart of hearts I know my body, she is weary and she can only handle one cycle, we’ve got one shot at this and there will be no do overs. One shot to make CoraLeigh or Oliver a reality. 

Summer. I want a summer. Sophia and Jack need their auntie this summer so IVF is on the back burner until August. In July I am sitting down with a perinatal physician to go over lovenox protocol, when to start it and when to stop it and what dose it should be. We will also be discussing if it is safe for me to carry more than one baby. Once the protocol is determined we will begin the really fun IVF meds and start growing eggs that with a little luck will become embryos.

My rainbow baby is just one embryo away and I cannot wait to have a baby that we can keep.