{Christmas} With Angels 

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Christmas has and will always be my favorite time of year. There is magic in the air and in your heart you know anything is possible. People are kinder to one another and for a little while all is right. 

In the stillness my mind drifts to the land of wonder, the place where what ifs live out there days. My tree is decorated, presents are underneith, and the villagers are content on the mantel. Yet between all the lights and sparkles, an emptiness remains. If you look closely at my tree you will find two ornaments,  “sleep in heavenly peace” for the babies I didn’t get to keep. 

If all were right in this world I would have a six year old son eagerly awaiting Santa’s visit and decorating cookies with his cousins. And an almost one year old baby should be sleeping in my arms. Jay and I would be hanging “baby’s first Christmas on the tree” and Lucia would be hanging up his 2016 ornament. Instead I am doing my best to deter Dexter and Stiffy from destroying our tree and wrapping presents for children who are not mine. Children put the magic into Christmas, their eyes are filled with wonder and hope. Children are the reason for the season. 

I believe in protecting children from death. Sophia has no idea that Lucia came before her. In her little mind she is eagerly awaiting for me to have a baby so she can help. Jack doesn’t know that he should be 6 months older than Baby E, right now he is busy chasing Cully. When motherhood slipped through my fingers I became the best Auntie possible. At Christmas I go over board. Their every whim is answered, presents are piled high and cookies are aboundant. For I want them to enjoy the season that my children  never got to see. 

My children are celebrating with their heavenly host. I’d like to believe that all the children are the reason behind the brightness of the Christmas Star. That somehow the veil gets lifted on Christmas and they are allowed to sit in the empty seats at our tables to be with the ones they love. 

My christmas whish is that one day we will have a “baby’s first Christmas” ornament to put on our tree right next to the “sleep in heavenly peace” ornaments,  and that our home will be filled with child like wonder at Christmas. Until that day comes I will leave an empty seat so that I can spend Christmas with my angel babies. 

{Road Trip} Madison County Iowa 

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This post is a little late. Life always gets in the way. I have been busy moving and enjoying life. 

Anyways, my Mama absolutely loves the movie Bridges of Madison County. Clint Eastwood gets her all steamy – she is totally a huge fan, she’s seen like every Clint Eastwood movie known to man. So I as her daughter was like “hey mom want to go on a trip.” She of course said yes and I set off to planning. My north shore idea fell through so I talked to my dad and he said “why not take her to the bridges.” Bridges? What bridges? Umm the covered ones in Iowa, ya know that movie, he said. Oh yes right the ones in the movie. So with that idea in mind I found us a hotel in Stewart Iowa and started planning our trip.
Madison county Iowa is about a five hour drive from Minneapolis. Wintersett is the county seat and it is also the town featured in the movie. I will admit the town is so stinking cute! We ate lunch at the north side cafe, which again is featured in the movie. There menu was full of Iowa comfort food and home town charm. I had a ham sandwich and deep fried cheese balls. After our bellies were full we walked around the town square and did a little shopping. I bought wine at a pharmacy and kept searching for a signal. Wintersett is a dead zone for cell phones. The nice pharmacist gave us a paper map to all of the bridges. 

There are a total of six remaining covered bridges. All except for two of the six sit on their original sites. Getting to the bridges is an adventure in itself, your drive on winding gravel roads and follow these little tiny brown bridge signs. It was kind of like bingo! My mom and I were actually trailing behind the cutest little old couple. Though the weather was misty a lot of folks were out looking for the bridges and it was fun watching people’s faces light up when they walked through them. 


Only a few of the bridges were featured in the movie the bridges of Madison county. The most important bridge is the Roseman Bridge. That is the bridge Francesca drives up to and leaves a note inviting Robert to dinner. At this bridge there is a cute little gift shop where you can buy copies of the book and local goods. The bridge, well all of the inside walls of the bridges actually, are covered in signatures, poems, and art work left by visitors. My mom and I thought about adding our names, but we decided not to. 


I thought it would take an entire weekend to see all of the bridges. They are actually really close together and it took us about two hours to visit all of them. In wintersett there is a cute city park where the Cutler-Danahue Bridge sits and if you drive back into the park you will come along the stone bridge (it was in the movie) and way back into the woods is clarks tower. I decided to climb to the top of the tower and the view was amazing.

Since we had one more day to spend on our trip I thought it would be fun to head on down to Omaha Nebraska. My mama seconded the idea and off we went. I always thought Nebraska would be boring, it’s not boring, it’s actually beautiful. We went to the Durham Museum, tooled around the farmers market, did some shopping, visited the La Familia Shrine, and an apple orchard. It was a jam packed Saturday. 


Oh bonus while in Omaha we had lunch at the Golden Corral. When I was little my mama would take me to the one in Red Wing and I loved the Texas toast and ice cream. Which she always told me was not a meal. On Tuesdays your child at for the price of their weight, 20 cents per pound. They had this big scale, you’d stand on it and they would write your weight on a sticker and slap it on you. I was a cheap date for my parents. Anyways back to present day! People! OMG! They have cotton candy on there dessert bar! I smuggled some out! I know I am such a criminal. 

Sunday arrived sooner than we liked and it was time to journey back home. The fog was pea soup that morning so we took it slow and by the time we got home it lifted. Driving in fog is not fun. If you are looking for a fun weekend getaway I highly recommend visiting the Bridges of Madison County and the city of Omaha. There is so much to do and see, everyone will be happy that they went. Now I am going to go refresh my memory and rewatch the movie! 

{Sophia} Be A Light

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Dear Sophia,

Auntie was hoping that she would get to share and explain a historic moment to you. You are four and at four you have no idea how close women came to shattering the highest glass ceiling of all. We lost my dear, we lost, our girl Hillary lost.

America was not ready for a woman to lead. As much as we wanted it, the majority spoke and this was not our time. Ms. Hillary did however put one giant crack into the highest ceiling and all we need to do is chip away until it shatters. That ceiling will not be shattered today or tomorrow, we will have to wait, we will have to work for it, but one day it will break. 

Right now your world revolves around preschool and Frozen, you have no idea what this amazing world holds for you. You at this moment have no concept of the election or who Trump is. Your little girl wonder is protecting you and keeping you safe from the problems we face. One day those problems will be handed down to your generation. Sophia when you are a little older you will realize that every life matters and that every life can make a difference. As long as you believe in the greater good, you my girl can make a difference. You are beautiful, you are kind, and your spirit is strong. Sophia be a light that shines so bright it cracks the darkness. 

Sophia I want you to know that you can be anything you want to be and that the world is there for the taking. Never let anyone tell you that you are less because you wear a skirt. You are more than enough, you are Sophia and no one can take that from you. Day in and day out Auntie works in a male dominated profession, she doesn’t let it stop her, she steps up to the plate and shows them what a woman can do. Some would say auntie is a nasty woman, auntie says “I’m just doing life my way.” You my dear will chose your own path. You will be your own nasty woman and you can do anything that you put your mind to. 

Every little girl in this country is a light. A light that will shine so bright that it will shatter the highest ceiling. I have faith that one day a little girl will grow up and be president. That time is not now but it will come. We may be whooped but this fight is far from over. We may be down but we still have fight in us and we Sophia will not give up or in until there is equality for all Americans. You Sophia are my silver lining in this very dark cloud, you are the light Auntie needed and I will make sure you shine bright for all of your days. Because little one your generation is our hope for a better day. 

Love Auntie 

{Election 2016} Your Voice Is Not Lost

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For some it’s just an election. For some it’s a chance to make a choice and to shape our country. For some it is our duty to vote while others say “ahh someone else will do it so I don’t have to.” 

I know it’s over. The media keeps telling me that. I know it’s a new day, but this new day is filled with uncertainty. The country I believed in is no longer the same as it was on Tuesday morning. You say there is nothing I or anyone can do. But there is, we all have a voice, a voice that can change the world around us. 

In 2009 I became a pre-existing condition. I paid more for insurance than my healthy counterparts. The law allowed this. In fact I was grateful because the law also said that they could deny me coverage based on my pre-existing condition. When I switched to contracting I couldn’t afford the insurance premiums so I went without. Which was on my part a costly mistake. 

I was angry and heartbroken so I did what any American would do, I got involved. I started talking to my law makers, I joined advocacy groups that allowed me to use my voice. I started raising awareness and speaking all over the country about the importance of affordable healthcare. My part was tiny but it was indeed a part in what we now know as the Affordable Healthcare act that changed my life for the better. My outspokenness earned me an invitation to Washington D.C. to give a speech on the capital steps right along side Nancy Pelosi and other members of congress. To them I mattered I am the American they were fighting for. 

Trump wants to repeal the Affordable Care Act aka Obamacare. He sees it as a failure and not a success. To some it is a failure but to the people who are benefiting from it, it is a godsend. The rising cost of health care should not be blamed on the affordable care act, look deeper more people than ever have access to care which means insurance companies are paying out more and taking less in. Which in turn causes them to raise the premiums and copays for services. 

Repealing the Affordable Care Act will not stop the rising costs instead it will make care inaccessible for people just like me. Millions of Americans will be cut off from the care that they so desperately need to survive and that they cannot afford without the ACA. My fear is that my health care will once again become inaccessible. Millions of Americans are sharing this fear right now. We are waiting for this new day to unfold with abated breath, our lives they are on the line. 

This country can either thrive on fear or it can rise up and greet it. One thing I do know is that the grass roots of this country are strong and just like before we can make a difference. Start speaking to your law makers tell them why the affordable care act is important and how it benefits those in your life. Start talking to your neighbors let them know that love trumps hate. Start making a difference, set an example for the next generation. Show the world the we are better than Trump’s words and actions. We are America and as long as we love her she will never steer us wrong. 

{Walmart* Beauty Box} Fall 2016 

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Ahhh it’s finally fall! Which means any thing and everything is coming up pumpkin spice. Which is not ok in my book I LOVE fall but despises pumpkin spice anything. Pumpkins are for carving, not eating. Any hoo….. the Minnesota air is getting crisp, the trees are starting to show there colors, and my skin is dry as fuck. Fall/winter weather does a number on your skin. No one likes to be all sorts of dry and itchy. It’s just one of things one puts up with when they live in a northern climate.

Thankfully Walmart came to my rescue with a box full of products perfectly suited for fall. I know know Walmart. One of these days you have to drop your “I can’t shop at Walmart complex.” Walmart is awesom in my book, that’s where I do my grocery and household shopping. Not to mention I got a nice puffer jacket which is perfect for fall there last weekend for $10.00! Now that was a steal of a deal. 

Enough about my grocery shopping and $10 puffer jacket! Let’s get to it! I know why you are here! You want to know what’s in my box!! Well gals and guys let’s open the box and find out! 

Walmart* Beauty Box – Fall 2016

Fall 2016

Village Naturals Therapy – Aches+Pains Muscle Relief: powerful blend of essential oils and extracts including eucalyptus, spearmint and cooling menthol. The combination of sea salt and epsom salt helps to draw out impurities and ease tired muscles.
———————–> I was very excited to see this product in the box, 1. because I love there Lavender scented soak and 2. because it is a Minnesota company. I get to support a local company all while doing my shopping at Walmart.

Biore Charcoal Pore Strips: work like a magnet to instantly lock onto and lift out deep-down dirt, oil and blackheads. In just 10 minutes, you’ll remove weeks’ worth of buildup, see 3x less oil and achieve your deepest clean.

Batiste Dry Shampoo: multi-award winning hair hero is the perfect quick fix for great looking hair, even between washes.

Dove Purely Pampering NourA body wash with gentle cleansers and a fragrance that makes you feel pampered can help you take a few relaxing moments in your shower each day. ishing Body wash:

hello pure mint extra whitening toothpaste: with high-quality ingredients like xylitol, stevia and a silica and calcium carbonate blend that gently whitens teeth, prevents cavities, strengthens enamel and freshens breath.

Cetaphil Moisturizing Cream: Formulated with shea butter plus other hydrating and antioxidant ingredients, this cream locks in moisture so skin feels soft.

Nature’s Bounty Hair, Skin & Nails Gummies: This supplement contains just the right balance of nutrients to support lustrous hair, healthy nails and vibrant skin, all with a tasty strawberry flavor.

Ecotools makeup brush cleansing cloths: instantly wash away surface makeup, oil and impurities from your brushes to improve their performance for a smoother makeup application.

This was a really great box with lots of new to me samples.The thing I love about the box is that if I like a sample, I can go right to Walmart and buy the full sized product right along with my groceries. No need to run half way cross town or order online, its right on the shelf at your local Walmart.

Do you want a $5.00 quarterly Walmart Beauty Box of your very own. Oh! Come on now, get over yourself and hop on over to https://beautybox.walmart.com. Your box is waiting for you and trust me you will not regret that you signed up! The box ships every three months and the next box will be winter.

***I was not compensated for this post. Reviews are my own.*****

{BirchBox} REVIVE AND RESTORE

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“This month we’re slowing down, getting cozy, and bringing you rejuvenating products to make the most of your you-time.”

You time? I can have you time? I am a busy girl so I do not get to squeeze in to many moments of “you time.” But when I do, I do it well. It’s fall here in Minnesota and I love this time of year. The nights are getting colder, the trees are turning, and it’s time to cozy up under a warm throw with Netflix. Or in my case fight the dog for ample throw usage, he usually wins.

october-2016

Fall is my favorite time of year. Apples are plenty, the trees are turning, and the crisp air is making her way in. The mornings are cool followed by sunny afternoons. A time to remember and enjoy the warmth and bounty in your life. My skin care routine changes in the fall, our air is starting to get drier and my skin as saying “help me I’m getting patchy.” Birchbox always puts together a great box around the fall to help us prepare for the inevitable, winter is coming.

oct-16

REVIVE AND RESTORE – October 2016

GlamGlow Powermud Dual cleanse treatment: featuring ultra rare Brazilian white clay, this detoxifying mask transforms from mud to oil to deeply clean and soften.

Avene Hydrance Optimale Hydrating Cream RICH: super nourishing face cream restores skin’s natural moisture barrier and balances hydration levels.

This Works deep sleep pillow spray: clinically proven to aid a good night’s rest, this infusion of lavender and chamomile helps you fall asleep fast.
——————–> I fell in love with this product. The scent is so subtle and whisks you off to a beautiful night of sleep. The only kicker here is that the full sized product will run you $29.00, That is a little to steep for my budget.

Oribe Gold Lust Dry Shampoo: this gold standard dry shampoo instantly cleans while boosting strength and silkiness, minus any texture or weight.

Make Silk Cream Lipstick – Magnolia: long-lasting and smudge-proof, this hydrating antioxidant-rich lipstick does double duty as a lip treatment.

The curated box was a great mix of skin, beauty, and hair care products.

If you would like to join in on the no more points for reviews fun, checkout http://www.birchbox.com

{Hearts On 22} Hello, Borrowed Year #7 

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Survivorhood is messy. You have your amazing days right along with your down right awful days. Sometimes I wish I had a guide book or that someone would have told me “it won’t be perfect, but you will do alright.” No two survivors are alike and each story is dffierent from the next, no one but you can write it.

The nuvaring will always be a part of my story. In one disastrous moment I found my purpose, I shined, and I never looked back. As much as I want to hate the nuvaring, I can’t because without it I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. I never would have gotten involved with advocacy or given a speech in D.C. or posed for a billboard and walked in a fashion show. That one terrible little ring brought me so many opportunities to educate women about why their health should always come first. That ring turned into a beautiful red dress that has allowed me to make a difference in the lives of women all across this county and for that I am thankful. 

As I put on my red dress I feel a twinge of guilt in my heart. A twinge for the four people who died so I could be the one out of five who survived. For other stroke survivors who are struggling and will never get back to their pre-stroke selves. My heart knows early intervention would have changed their story but not everyone has access to care. For all of the women who died from injuries caused by the nuvaring, their missed tomorrows are what we are fighting for. Every woman deserves a chance at tomorrow. I will not give up this fight until there are none. 


It’s been seven years and my heart cannot get over the fact that all of this could have been prevented. Yes, my massive pulmonary embolism with infarction and stroke did not have to happen. If only my doctor had taken the time to really listen to what I was saying, she could have ordered a d-dimer test and my clot would have been found long before it reached my heart and lungs. I ignored my gut that day, the doctor didn’t seem worried so I brushed it off and one week later to the day I  found myself fighting for every breath I took. On October 22, 2009 five days shy of my 27th birthday my life changed forever and I’ve never looked back. 

I take the good right along with the bad. Everything in life happens for a reason and in the end it will all work out. My hope for year #7 is motherhood. My heart she maybe weak but she aches for a child of her own. I have two children in heaven and just want to take a baby home. To have a chance to prove to the world that yes stroke survivors can be mothers too. My body she’s confused but I am finally working with a reproductive endocrinologist who believes in me and my dream. I have faith that Jay and I will catch our rainbow and that borrowed year #7 is the year I add “mother” to my resume. 

A Thank You

It takes a village to raise a survivor. I did not get to this point on my own and I have many to thank. I am forever in debt to the fast acting ER team, doctors, nurses at woodwinds health campus in Woodbury, for they gave me the start to my second story. My INR nurses who listened to me complain and stuck me with a pin religiously for six months, we never did get my numbers right. My parents filled my strength tank when I had nothing left to put in. Sherri who just happens to be the best friend a girl could ever ask for, I cannot do life without her, she is my voice of reason. The American Heart Association’s You’re the cure and Go Red for women their advocacy and research saved me. My survivor sisters, my nuvaring survivor sisters, you are who I am fighting for and I will not stop until there are none. This pharagrpah is starting to ramble, i have to many people to thank, there are not enough words in the English language to describe how thankful I am for all of you. All of you (you know who you are) have made a difference in this survivors life. I thank you from the bottom of my surviving heart and I will shine on! 

{Engaged Life} Boxes in a new zip code

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Life moves on. 

My zip code has moved too. I hung up my single uptown girl shoes, only to put on a comfortable pair of committed relationship shoes. It took almost 6 years but I have finally found my zen, my happy, and that happy is a townhome in the suburbs. I know, I know I said I would never go back.  But hey when the man you love lives in the burbs you go to the damn burbs. 

My things are hap hazordly stacked in the garage. Trust me, I am slowly working on unpacking my shit and making the townhouse a home. Right now our home is in disarray, but in a good disorganized way. One that lets you know that two lives have smashed into one big life. Cullen is no longer an only child he has two brothers, an orange bitchy cat named Dexter and a gray cat named Stiffy. For the most part they get along.

At night I make dinner for two instead of one. I feed three animals instead of one. Everyday I get to come home to my best friend. I get a little giddy when I hear the garage door open and Jay comes bouncing through the door. His face lights up when he sees me cooking away he tries to get in a hug, but I brush him off. You can’t break your woman’s focus while she’s cooking. Breaking focus equals burnt food and no one likes burnt food. To me the key  to a good relationship is eating dinner together every night and we do just that while watching Super Girl on Netflix. So yes I can say that we are a couple who Netflix and chill. 

We are building a life together. A life with two cats, one of which is bitchy and a muppet like dog at our side. One day we hope to be parents to a two legged child. Fertility is a mystery, you either have it or you don’t. One thing I do have is Jay and I wouldn’t want to go through this journey with anyone else. Jay knows what I’ve been through and that men have the smaller part in fertility. I’ve been poked, probed, scanned and prodded, while he just gave a sample. The odds are against us, yet we have hope that deep within the blueprints lies a room called parenthood. We know that rainbows are hard to catch, but watching him/her grow will be worth it.

In Jay I found home. He can make me laugh at the drop of a hat, then again we all know I crack my own self up. We have a running joke of hiding a light saber on eachother’s side of the bed. Most nights I make it through without cracking up until he finds it. Plus there are running stories of Dexter and Stiffy’s adventures behind Walgreens. Laughter makes a home. Jay reminds me to not be so serious and to live life to the fullest and to take chances. Life is different, different in a good way. I’ve found my human, my grove, I’ve change my zip code and I’m never looking back.

{Lucia & Baby E} Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month 

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October is many things. For me it’s my birthday month and more importantly it’s where my second story began. I get lost in the details, counting days, writing posts, and reflecting on the year before me. No one ever said survivorhood would be easy. No one ever said “not all babies get to come home.” 

That is something we keep from little girls. We never tell them that not all babies come home and that not all women get to be mommies. That some women have to fight harder for motherhood than others. We keep the darkness out of their eyes and fill them with hope, hope that one day they will hold a baby of their own. 

For me I wish someone had told me “not all babies come home.” That would have prepared me for the worst. We know it’s possible, but our hearts never wonder to that place of “what if.” Instead we live in the land of preparation and anticipation. You get so wrapped up in that land, that when you hear six little words they cut through you like a knife. No woman wants to hear “I’m sorry there is no heart beat.” Those words are a sentence to a life time of wonder and what ifs.

You are left wondering “could I have done it differently?” Followed by why me. You struggle with your faith and become jealous of the swelling bumps around you. Yet somewhere along the way you realize “you never get over the death of a child, you just learn how to live with it.” It’s been six years since I’ve said goodbye to Lucia and I can tell you that a day does not go by where I do not think of him. The same goes for Baby E. A piece of me will always be in heaven and I have to live the best possible life, because they never got a chance to live theirs.

After you lose a child life goes on. People will tell you “oh you will have another one.” Those words are spoken easier than done. No one ever tells you that “some women struggle.” I fall into the category. I am struggling to catch my rainbow. In the quiet of the night I pray that my turn will come. Fertility clinics are expensive, yet our reward will be worth it. I have faith that my third time and Jay’s second will be the one that sticks. I want so very much to bring a baby home, to hold them, and love on them for the rest of their lives. 

For my heart knows what it’s like to let go and she is ready, she is ready for a baby that can stay. 

{Road Trip} Wisconsin Point 

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I have a long standing love affair with Lake Superior. For me it’s not just a lake, it’s a part of my soul and the story of how my family began. My extremely great grandfather Basile Hudane Beaulieu was a voyager who sailed the Great Lakes and landed on the shores of what we now call Minnesota. He being a frechmen did not speak the Annishenabe language, yet somehow they understood each other and he fell in love with Chief Skywoman. An that is how one side of my story began.

As a child I walked her shores collecting sea glass and rocks. She drew me in like an old friend each crashing wave comforted my soul. As an adult on my drive up north, I get giddy knowing that as each mile ticks by I am getting closer and closer to her shore. When my blue eyes meet her, my worries melt away and I feel at peace. Superior has this affect on people, she is powerful and calming in one full breath.


For Jay’s birthday I took him on a mini road trip to the north shore. I took him to my old college haunts The Anchor Bar, the S.S. Meteor, the UW-Superior Campus, and Wisconsin Point.  He listened to me chatter as the memories of college came flowing back. I explained how we use to walk to the mall to see movies, the grocery store to get snacks and beer and the other things that we did. Ahh college was the best time! My fondest memories are of the bon fires we would have out on Wisconsin point, those were good times to be had. 



When we pulled up Jay was instantly drawn to the light house and for some odd reason we decided it was a good idea to walk out there. Walking out to the light is no easy task. There is no walk way, you just jump from bolder to bolder and hope for the best. On our way out to the lighthouse we encountered a snake and to many spiderwebs to count. 

One might think “oh that looks like an easy feat.” Trust me it is not. It takes a lot of effort and balance to get from rock to rock and it’s about a mile each way. Jay and I high fived as we hit the light house steps for we had made it and in that moment we didn’t think about our return journey back. 

The light house has not been used in years and she has seen her share of storms. Most of the windows have been bricked over and some pricks are filling the broken windows with beer cans and other trash. Little graffiti was seen but you could tell that this little light had seen her hay day. 

It was starting to get late and we did not want to get stuck at the light so Jay and I decided to make our way back to shore. When we reached land Jay declared that if he had a bucket list the lighthouse  would have been a bucket list item. He loved Wisconsin Point as much as I do and asked that we return next year. I said of course, nothing can keep this girl from Superior. For she has a long standing love affair with her deep blue waters.