Category Archives: Family

The Three Fs

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The three Fs help me through every situation and make life worth living. What are they you ask? Its simple: Faith, Family and Friends.

FAITH

I was raised in a primarily Lutheran/Catholic town, with a sprinkle of Methodist. I was part of the sprinkles.

At a young age I learned what God was and how he could either save you or leave you. Mostly I learned that its mind of matter. At the tender age of 4 I understood God and was thankful to him because he, he had saved me so I could play with my Barbie’s.

My Father is the most religious man I know, he can quote the Bible like no buddies business. Yet he has rarely set foot in a church outside of weddings and funerals. He taught me that God Lives in our hearts, not in the brick and mortar that we flock to. That God is in the water, the air, the trees, he is in everything. I just had to open my eyes and listen. On the other hand my Mom made sure we went to church every Sunday, minus my Father, he was allowed to stay home and watch GI Joe. ( I was mad because I loved that cartoon and didn’t get to watch it) Instead I had to wear a stuffy itchy dress and sit in church, all while knowing GI Joe was on at home.

GI Joe would be the least of my worries in life. I have come to find my spiritual self. My faith is strong and its something I have mish mashed together. Combining the spiritual beliefs of my Ojibway side and mixing it with a sprinkle of Methodist. I just call my concoction Faith so strong it sets your heart on fire. Honestly, I know God exist, in those dark quite times, he’s there with us and when the sun shines he whispers in our ear “Go Ninja Go!”

FAMILY

What can I say I love my family through and through. They are my foundation, my base, an anchor to my soul. My Mama tells me “I didn’t raise you, you….you raised yourself. Your father and I were just lucky enough to be along for the ride.” Its true I did practically raise myself with their help of course. I listen to their advice, heed their warnings, and do what I want regardless. They pick me up when I fall and cheer me on as I rise.

My Mama is one of the most courageous women I know. She came from a poor farm family of 10 kids, they had nothing. Yet, she had a desire to create something better, to do better, and be better. My Mother she…she was one of the first women in Minnesota to hold a heavy equipment drivers license. Yup, she was! She was a first and she drove that dump truck better than a man ever could. She always told me that women can do what ever they want in life. An to never let a MAN tell you, you can’t. Because you can. My Mama has had many careers in her life which lead her from the coal yard, to health care and eventually the kitchen. She no longer drives a dump truck, hasn’t done it in years, today she’s wielding a tongs and shouting orders in the kitchen.

Now my Daddy he’s like a cat! The man has 9 lives, nothing can get him down. Its funny I don’t call my Father, Dad. I call him Pete. Pete isn’t even his real name, but to me he is and always will be Pete. My father is some what of a legend in Red Wing. I’m not sure if any of the old stories are true. However I am certain that he had to do something pretty good to earn the nick name “The Animal.” I’ve seen men quake in their boots at his meer presence in a grocery store, the gas pump and so on. If only they saw him today, he is a shadow of his former self. I got two things from Pete, My curly hair and my A.D.D “its a family tradition.”

When I was a little girl Pete would take me fishing, we never caught anything, yet I cherish those moments and memories that he gave me. I learned everything I know about trimming trees, growing plants, and orchards from my Father. Those are handy skills to have. Unlike most Fathers, Pete took an active role in raising my sister and I. He was a stay at home Dad. My mama she wore the pants, brought home the bacon and Pete, well he cooked it. Watered down Koolaide and steak were his dinner specialties. Winter was never his thing, spring and summer where the seasons he cherished. On cool summer nights he’d let us sit in the back of the old Ford pick up truck as he drove through the countryside, the breeze whipping my curls as I slurped my slushy. Nothing mattered, it was just me, Pete, and my dreams.

They say a parents success in life is judged by the success of their children. I’d say my parents are pretty darn succesful and I’ve got the ninja skills to prove it!

FRIENDS

Life is more fun when spent with friends. Friends come and go, but they always leave an impression on your soul. I have more BFFs than I can count and love every single one of my friends like family. They keep me sane, listen to me whine, and laugh when I fall. They only laugh because I probably tripped over a crack or something. We dry each others tears, live like were dying and laugh until our stomachs hurt. It’s nice to know that I’ve got friends all over the globe and that no matter where I go, I always have a place to stay. My BFF Joy said it best “Know that no matter where you go in this world, what happens, and what you do, you always have a home with me.”

I hope you have the three Fs in your life. Without the three Fs life isn’t a journey worth taking. If you lose faith, just remember that deep inside there is a ninja and when you don’t think you can go on. Slip on your suit, let that ninja take over, and let your kung fu fly. Lean on your family, if you don’t like your family make your own. I hope you have more friends than you will ever need in this world. Friends truly make this place brighter.

Infertility = A Broken Dream with Options

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Ever since I can remember I’ve always had this feeling that I would never have my own children. As a little girl I was obsessed with cabbage patch kids and pound puppies because you could adopt them.

After my miscarriage my cycle never returned to normal. In which the doctors told me that it was normal and would take sometime to balance out. In February I had a bunch of test done, an ultra sound, and some other things. The results came back a few weeks later, I never went in to find out. Part of me knew it wasn’t good. So I just put it off.

Put it off until last week, sitting in a waiting room full of new moms glowing with pride and some looked like they were going to burst. I felt a tug and some how knew, that this would never be in my cards. Is it just me or are exam rooms always freezing. The doctor he came in and looked at me with sadness. He said ” I’m Sorry that I have no good news for you today. ” Swallowing hard I looked at him and said “Give it to me straight, no sugar-coating please.” He did just that, he flat-out said “I’m sorry but you will never carry a child.” I could feel the tears welling in my eyes, it took everything in me not to let them fall. The explanations were given, the odds were not in my favor, and the only child I would ever carry is in heaven. I told the doctor “I feel cheated and like someone robbed me of my options.” He just put his hand on my knee and said “You can always adopt or have a surrogate carry for you.” Looking blankly out the window, I told him ” I know, I know.”

My appointment was over, in a matter of 45 minutes my dream was crushed, ripped in two, and stomped on. I felt like the wind was sucked out of me and that I was some how a terrible woman. As I put the prius into drive, the tears they finally came rolling down. All I could think of was running, running far away, that some how it was all a dream. It wasn’t a dream. I did what any woman would. I fixed my make up and went into work, I acted like nothing had changed, yet on the inside I was crushed.

Crushed that this was my new normal. A life without fertility. I mourned, got mad, and then realized there’s a whole world out there waiting. I am not yet at a place in my life where I am ready to adopt or interview surrogates. So I am going to take time for me and finally put myself first. Along with many dreams that I put on hold, a big dream was to join the peace corps. Someone said “your only running away from your infertility, spending 27 months abroad isn’t going to make the problem go away.’ I’m not looking to erase the problem, I have to live with a no good rejected uterus every day, I can’t escape it and it , it can’t escape me.

I let my mind wonder as I walked around Calhoun. Actually wonder to the hmm what would life be like without children place. I could 1. travel a ton, 2. go to law school, pass the bar and become one heck of a lawyer, 3. join the peace corps, 4. I could have a flexible schedule. Then I thought, hmm I am 28 and since my uterus is all ready broken, I have no biological clock to worry about. Maybe when I am 40 I will think about adoption, yup when I am 40 I will maybe adopt. Slowly I am allowing my mind to travel to the life without children place and at first it was scary, but now its a cooling calm.

A calm that I am ok with, truly and honestly I am ok with it. One friend said to me: “Um AmandaJean you’re not datable anymore.” looking puzzled I asked “how the heck is that.” Her response “men like women who can have their babies and well you can’t.” Umm I am pretty sure I can find someone who doesn’t wants kids, can’t have them, or thinks adoption is an option. I am not worried one bit, heck marriage is for the birds, I’ve been down that road once and it didn’t go well. Plus I don’t need a man or a child to define who I am, I am a woman, one heck of a woman and that comforts me.

April Showers Bring Memories

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It’s funny how a scent, a song, or a simple word can send memories crashing through. Tomorrow will be April. A month filled with showers, sun, and warm days. Yet this month is weighted with memories.

If I were still married April 3rd would be a night of dinner, wine, celebrated love and laughter. That was the day I met my x husband, it would be 6 years on Sunday. Six years ago he walked across the campus parking lot and into my life. Part of me wishes I could say it was all terribly bad, but it wasn’t. We had our moments and our days in the sun. He probably won’t give April 3rd much thought this Sunday, or maybe he will. For me, it will just be another day on the Calender, yet it will always hold a place in time.

April 9th will be a day I will always remember, that is the day I found out I was pregnant. At first i thought it was a joke and then the words pregnant appeared over and over again on the seven tests I took. It was real all right. That night the x was beaming and couldn’t contain his excitement for our pending joy. Scott would talk to my stomach and kiss it Good Night, Good Morning, and Good Afternoon. That night we went out to celebrate at one of our usual spots and when the waitress asked if I wanted my usual glass of wine. He piped up ” No wine for her, she’s pregnant!” The waitress gushed and congratulated us both. Our families were filled with hope and exploding with joy for their new grandchild. Never during that time did I think God would burst our bubble filled with joy. Not even once did I dare to think it could all fade away. Yet it did, it did in deed.

As a child my mom told me that rain, just wasn’t rain. That it was magical, that the rain was actually tears from heaven. That some angels were having a bad day or they were sad because God Brought someone home. That if I embraced it, danced in it, and jumped in the puddles I could feel the angles love. April, bring on your rain……I am ready to dance in it, laugh in it, stomp, frolic, and embrace the tears of heaven.

Your Red is Showing…….

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Friday was National Wear Red Day for Women’s Heart Health. I guess you could say my family and I have been supporting the American Heart Association since 1993 when my Father’s Neice Emma was born.

Emma was born on March 5th 1993, she was born 6 weeks early on purpose. While in the womb they learned that this little girl had a broken heart and that she would not live unless she received a new one. Thus set off a whirl wind for my Uncle Jeffery and his wife Connie. It would be an experiment, she would be the first baby in Minnesota to receive a heart transplant. The road would be rough and uncertain, yet they took up the course.

In april she was strong enough to receive her new heart. The surgery took place at the University of St Louis MO Medical center along with staff from Fairview university hospital. She made history and was born again. Her life was filled with struggles, triumph, and joy, more joy than anyone could imagine.

Sadly Emma Died on December 29th 1996, her little heart did not give out on her. She died from complications due to the common cold. Our hearts were broken, I’ve never seen so many people at a funeral, a funeral for such a tiny little girl. Her life was short, but it was worth it, she did not die in vein. Because of her journey doctors and scientist know more about infants with broken hearts. It’s safe to say that very few if not any have died from the common cold in the past ten years. Her little life was worth it, I can’t help to wonder what Emma would be today, would she be a hell raiser, a motivator, or would she be an advocate for children like her. One thing I know is this little girl is dancing in heaven and that she will always be remembered.

Because of Emma my family is very big on supporting the American Heart Association and the National Organ Donation Bank. Without these two things we would have never of had Emma for three years. Three beautiful years. Little did I know how much the American Heart association would mean to me.

In 2002 on February 8th my Father suffered 2 heart attacks and three strokes. I was a way at college and couldn’t come home to see him. All I knew is that my father, my pillar of strength was fighting for his life. All I could do was pray, I asked god to take me instead, to put me in his place. He didn’t but luckily my Daddy survived. He isn’t 100% and we know he never will be. But i am thankful for each day I have with him, for every moment he can remember, and for every time I hear his voice on the other end of the phone. As I am aware that if it weren’t for the Mayo Clinic he would have been dead at 50.

It’s funny how life goes in the spring of 2008 I was planning my wedding, packing and getting ready to move to my new house. My x husband was on a cruise and I was alone. When my phone rang, it was my Dad telling me that my Mom was at work and that she was being taken to the hospital by ambulance. My mom, the woman who never backs down from a fight, lay in the hospital with a broken heart. The doctors said she had a mild heart attack and that she was going to be ok.

Between Emma, my dad and my mom I believed in the Mission of Heart Health Awareness and took up the cause. Wearing red each year and shouting it from the rough tops. Know the signs of stroke and heart attack. Little did I know that at 26 the very words I had been shouting would save my own life.

In October 2009 I had a mild stroke as a result of my pulmonary embolism. They tell me I shouldn’t be alive. I know I shouldn’t be, I am here for a reason and maybe that reason is to help you prevent a heart attach or stroke. To educate you on the signs and symptoms. Because every second counts.

Maybe I just come from a family of broken hearts. Who knows. But I do know that our hearts may be broken, yet we take up the fight to help you, help you live the best life that you can. So I hope you had red on this friday 🙂

To My Future Husband

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My Mama loves to tell people this story: When Mannie was about 6 years old she was laying on the kitchen floor reading the comics while I was doing the dishes. She looked up at me and over at her dad and said ” Mom, Dad I pity my future husband.” Um why is that doll. “Well because I am going to be a Bitch when i grow up, not a mean one, a good one.” We didn’t know whether to punish her for swearing or laugh. We laughed and well she is right, she is the good kind, she never backs down from anything and stands up for her self. Or as she says, I let my inner Ninja fly Mom.

To my future Husband:

Please understand that I am not your cookie cutter woman. Please know that I have done more living in 28 years than most people do in 100 years. I am fiercely independent and do not take no for an answer. I am stubborn and set in my ways, I know what I want and how to get it.

Some say I am damaged, that I am a little jaded and jagged around the edges. If we truly live our lives on the fly all of us become a little rough around the edges. Only those who don’t dare, try, or dream sail through with our scuffs. I like my scuffs they make me who I am and I am proud of them. Each one tells a story and those stories make me the woman I am today. They are a part of me and remind me of how far I have come.

Know that God saw something in me, that allowed him to save me. I am often reminded that only 1 out of 6 walks away from a PE. That I am living on my second chance and making each day worth it. I have faith that God has something amazing in store for me. Realize this and you will become a part of my mission. The mission: Is to spread Major Kung Fu around the world and to make it a little better for everyone.

I am caring, loyal, and deeply passionate. I will do anything for anyone. I would lay my life down with out a second thought, give the shirt of my back, and the meal on my plate to someone in need without question. We get back what we put into this world. So I choose to inject the world with kindness, love and passion. That way it will come back to me ten fold, or at least I hope it will.

Know that I have been a mom, to a little boy Named Nylan, I will always be tied to this child. Even thou I am divorced and no longer have legal ties to him, he is and will always be my son. I puffy heart step parents, because they step up to the plate and become the parents no one asked them to be. They just do, I just did. Also Know that I have a child in heaven, that experience alone has made me stronger than I have ever thought possible. He is with me in spirit every day and brings me peace knowing that he is resting with God.

I am a young divorcee and no I did not fail my x husband. He recently told me that I was one heck of a wife. He thanked me for being the mom I didn’t have to be to his son and for taking care of his dogs. He realizes that he failed me and that he crushed my dream of a happy marriage. I still hold on to that dream, the dream of a successful marriage. Divorce has taught me that I don’t have to take mr right now and to wait for Mr. Right. So that is what I am doing waiting for Mr. Right. (you can drop him down anytime god)

The above are the major things you need to know. The minor things are as follows:

Budget: I have no idea what this word means, I have a nasty spending habit, I can afford it so why not. We only live once and hey money doesn’t buy happiness.

Travel: I keep my passport in my purse (I know that’s a stupid place for it) however just having it with me gives me the knowledge that I can ditch this country at my whim. I’ve traveled the globe and conquered its sites, leaving me with wonder and joy.

Hybrid Cars: I love love my Prius, I will never drive a normal car again. Going green is a conscious decision not a life style for me. Just know that I have no idea how to check my oil, antifreeze, and all of that jazz under the hood. Yes, we are so having AAA!

Sleeping: I don’t sleep with my head on my pillow. 9 out of 10 times it’s on the floor or your side of the bed. An I don’t like to be covered, so no pulling the covers up to my ears. I will hit you if you do this and then apologize for hitting you.

Chocolate: Don’t waste your money on it. I am severely allergic to it and can not eat it. I know, I know all women love chocolate. If you bring it to me, I’ll shove it right back at you or either that puke on your shoes. Its your choice keep me chocolate free or wear puke on your shoes. (For me its a no brainer)

Dogs: The muppet and I are a package deal. No ifs ands or buts. We go together no matter what, so you must like dogs.

Follow this outline and you will do all right with me. An be ready for the craziest ride of your life. No day goes without adventure in my world and I like it that way. So where ever you are future husband know that one caring, passionate witty Ninja is waiting for you.

What Women Never Talk About

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I know I’ve mentioned it in passing on my blog that I had a miscarriage in May.
Today I was invited to speak to a pregnancy loss support group that was for both moms and dads. It was hard, it took everything in me just to get up in front of them. I knew that I had to, that some how my words would heal them, and show them that yes its ok to move on.

Ever since I can remember I wanted to be two things in this world. The president and a mom. I knew that I wanted one of my own and that I wanted to adopt one as well. When I was little I was obsessed with cabbage patch kids, because I could adopt them. I figured there are children in this world that need a chance, to be loved, and to know that they matter to someone.

When I met my now x husband the dream of adopting a child was realized I became a mom to his son. I loved Nylan from the moment I saw him. When I looked into his eyes, I saw my son, I didn’t see Scott and Lisa’s child, I saw my child looking back at me. Lord, Knows I would do anything for Nylan.

This spring we found out that we were expecting it was finally a silver lining in the year from hell. We found out a few days before the 6 month anniversary of my pulmonary embolism. The doctors told us it was high risk, they talked about a plan c section, bed rest and constant monitoring of my blood, to make sure another clot didn’t happen. I started lovenox right away injecting myself two times a day and a shit load of vitamins. Scott and I were so in love during this time, we talked about paint colors, nursery furniture, about the future. What our baby would be like, who they would take after. I told him: “if this baby is anything like me, well be in for one hell of a ride, because I was off the hook when I was little.” He just looked at me, smiled, and said I know, I am ready, and your still of the walls babe.

I started showing sooner than all the baby books said I would, people said there was probably two in there, an ultra sound confirmed that I was carrying a singleton, a little bear of our own. It’s hard to believe that one ultra sound can bring you so much joy, can allow you to see the heartbeat and to catch a glimpse of the creation. Yet in one swoop, it can take it all away. The same room where I found joy, I found grief.

Looking up at the monitor, I didn’t see a flicker, the technician kept moving the thing around, told me to sit tight, and then the doctor came in. He had her show him what she had seen. The movement I had seen a week prior was gone, the flicker, the light, the hope, the dream of a child, was gone it came crashing down around me. This room it felt so cold, the doctor he tried to explain, told me the options I had.

I do a lot of crying in the prius, I called my mom and told her the news. my dad for some reason magically appeared on my door step. Threw his arms around me and said we are gonna get through this. He held me so tight, telling me that God has a brighter plan and that some day it will make sense. I was angry, I felt horrible, that it was my fault, that God didn’t think I was worthy enough to carry a child. I cursed his name and asked. You chose to save me that day, why the hell didn’t you save my child. Instead you showered me with more pain, with more broken dreams, and gray days.

I did what was best for me. I couldn’t bring myself to sit around and wait for nature to take its course, I chose to have a D&C. I think god for Sherri she took me to United, held my hand and sat with me until it was time. They went through the risks, the what ifs of the procedure. I said stop why you’re a head, as I am always the exception and it will probably happen to me. They explained it would take less than 40 minutes and that I wouldn’t remember a thing. Sherri, did for me what my x husband wasn’t man enough to do. She was there for me during the roughest time of my life. All while my x husband sat in Vegas, he wasn’t man enough to get on a plane, to face the truth, and to see his wife crushed.

Some women tell me that I chose the easy way out. Let me tell you this there is nothing easy about a D&C. Everyone knows why your there and they ask you over and over again. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. An all the what ifs they told me about, well the 40 minute procedure turned in to 2.5 hours. They ripped a four-inch hole in my Uterus and damaged my cervix. Even worse is they didn’t think to stitch up the hole and well a week later I wound up in the hospital with a serious uterine infection.

The days turned into weeks. My x husband expected me to bounce back to my old self. Yet, I couldn’t this experience changed me, it made me into a mama to a baby in heaven, and caused me to really take a deep look at my life. I could never get over the fact that my x deserted me during the worst time of my life. That he didn’t think I was important enough to jump on a plane, to be by my side, to hold my hand and cry with me. It was time for a change. It was time for him to go.

I realize now that little bears passing gave me the strength to walk away from a loveless marriage, to fight for myself again, and show the world who I was. One day while watching the sunrise on lake Calhoun I realized something: I had asked god over and over again why did he save me and not my child. It hit me, that without me, there will be no children, that if he had let me go, there would be no children. I have faith that some day it will make sense and that god saved the vessel that will some day carry life again. Little bear and Nylan will always be my children. One is in heaven and the other is now being raised by another woman.

After I finished telling my story I looked at these people and said: ” Welcome to the parent to a baby in heaven club.” Its a club no one wants to join, but in here we all understand and lean on each other. It takes time, but with each day it will get easier, each breath you take will calm you, and best of all you will never ever forget this life that god graced you with. You can do something to remember your child. My family and I planted a birch tree in Alucious Gregory’s honor. It is a tree that I hope one day will provide shade to his brothers and sisters on earth. Honor your child, remember this time, and let the ones that come after know about their sibling in heaven. You my friends, you will be all right. I am certain of this.

2010

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2010 is a year that I will always remember, a year filled with change, hope, love, sadness, and loss.

We were still in recovery mode and thanked our lucky stars that the blood clot had dissolved. This was my new normal, life as a pulmonary embolism survivor. One filled with constant chest pain, short breath, and lack of stamina. Yet, with all the pain, I was able to see the grace in my situation.

Winter was filled with happiness. Nylan turned 6, I was so proud to see him grow and learn with each coming day. He went tubbing for the first time, you could see the fear in his eyes as he looked out at the horizon and down the hill, yet he courageously stepped into the tube and was greeted with laughter at the bottom. I realized that my chubby cheeked boy was turning in to a pint size man. He would test his boundaries and no longer needed my help. He was and is becoming independent.

In the spring we learned that our little family of three humans and three dogs was growing. Scott and I were so excited when we found out that we were expecting a little one of our own. We nick named out babies little bear and set in planning the nursery, buying supplies, and picking out names. If it was a boy it would be named Alucious Gregory and if it were a girl her name would be EmmiLeigh Grace (Yup she would have a double name just like her mama).

Sadly as quickly as life was created God took our little bear away. We were devastated when we lost our child. For the longest time I thought it was my fault, that I had done something, or that I wasn’t good enough to be a mom in God’s eyes. Yet, with each new day came a sense of peace. Tests concluded that my baby was a boy, a beautiful boy named Alucious Gregory. I am a proud mama to a baby in heaven. I am grateful for this experience, because without it I would have never had the strength to take the next step.

The winds of change were brewing. The once loving couple had finally drifted apart. Nothing could bring them back together, so a judgment call was made, and I walked away from my marriage and my step son. I never thought I’d be one of those women who got a divorce, who gave up on their families, and throw in the towel. I felt a shamed at first, like I failed, and that now I was damaged. Yet, I realize it takes two to make a marriage work, and well my heart left my marriage a long time ago and my brain just now caught up.
The summer brought my independence, confidence, and new found friendships. It also marked the end of Lily and Lola. The friendship ended in turbulent rapture, yet it needed to end. It taught me to choose my friends wisely and that not everyone is who they project themselves to be. I hope she got some help and that things are going well for her.

I bravely walked away from my job in September, not knowing what tomorrow would bring, all I had was faith to carry my through. The one year anniversary of my pulmonary embolism passed and my birthday came. Dates were plentiful, yet, none were worth keeping or sustaining serious relations. Friends carried me through the down times and cheered me on during the highs. I started a new job in the banking world, got another infection in my lung (stupid lung), and met a new amazing friend. Trips were plentiful and the muppet like dog provided me with hours of laughter. Man I love that little beast, he truly is the best dog ever!

2010 was the worst yet most amazing year of my life. I will always remember 2010 as the year I took myself back.

Bucket List

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The other day I was having dinner with friends and over drinks we started talking about our lives. Things we had done, places we’ve seen, and regrets yet to be taken. Jack turned to me and said “what do you have left to cross of your list?” I stared blankly into my wine, looked up and said “I’m not sure?” Me the girl, who has seen the world, lived a life of loss and love, who has so much to realize, did not have a bucket list at the ready. I was taken back by this question, of all the things people ask of me, I did not have an answer. An, I usually have an answer for everything.

So with much thought and soul-searching, I now have an answer of sorts. A list of dreams and challenges that I want to see accomplished. These things are in no particular order, but are numbered for the sake of the list.

1. To personally say “thank you” to every person who has made an impact on my life and made me the woman I am today. For without you this journey would be a lonely destination. My life wouldn’t be worth living without you.

2. To stand on all 7 continents. I have 3 down and 4 to go. I grew up in North America, Called Europe my home for four months in 2004, and marveled at the wonders of Africa’s Egypt.

3. To start a family: I have been a mom to another woman’s child. Sadly in divorce as a step parent you have no legal tie to that child, and you have to walk away. I guess part of me just wants to be a mom, just to prove that I can carry a child to term, that my miscarriage was just a fluke, and that God believes in me enough to bless me with providing life to another human being.

4. To attend Law School: When I was a little girl, I didn’t play school. Instead I played court room, I was the judge, my babies were the lawyers and my bears served as the jury. The quest for justice has been instilled in me from a young age and it is a burning desire that I constantly need to feed. I want to become the most compassionate attorney on the planet.

5. Marriage, yes even me a young divorcee wants to give marriage another go around. There is something about having a partner, a sidekick, someone who understands you like no other person on this planet. I want to be in love again and share my life with a husband.

6. To publish a book. My story is a crazy one. Of a life lived, blood clots, child loss, and divorce. I have over come every obstacle God has sat before me. If my story could encourage others to seek good in the world, then well it would be worth the paper it is written on.

7. To bring the dangers of birth control to the fore front. I learned the hard way what birth control can do. I am lucky I survived and thankful for every day I wake up.

8. To own a Frank Lloyd Wright home. Even if it were just for a minute.

9. To open a bakery. Baking to me equals love. When I bake I use my grandma Dorothy’s recipes and when I bake I feel her love. That love lives through the sinful deserts that are created in my kitchen.

10. To take a cross-country road trip with friends.

11. I want to take my parents to Europe one day. After all they paid for me to study abroad twice.

12. I want to teach one day. Teach the law to other passionate people like myself.

I am skipping number 13, I believe in its unluckiness.

14. I have always wanted a miniature goat as a pet. I think there cute, so Yes I want to have a goat.

15. I have a dream of starting my own charity one day. A charity that will benefit the at risk families of the country. To lift them up and out.

16. Run for public office. I have dreams of being president one day. I remember telling my kindergarten teacher that I wanted to president when I grew up. my 5-year-old self, still holds on to that dream.

17. White water rafting in the grand canyon or any wild crazy river for that matter

18. have a snow ball fight in Antarctica.

19. I have a mad desire to visit the rain forest.

20. I want to bask in the sun on the beaches of Bali.

21. To spread Major Kung Fu around the globe.

22. Mostly I want to leave this world a little better than I found it.

That folks is my bucket list. A list of adventure, dreams, and human desire. This list will guide me during the next chapter of my life and when I feel like I want to give up. It will remind me that I have something to accomplish and live for.

Letter to the other woman……..

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Please understand that you are now a mother. Not only a mother to the child you are carrying, but a mother to Nylan. To my son (well my son from another mother) and I ask that you treat him like he was your own. Please understand that I raised him, I am the only mother he’s ever had. In life the step parent loses out, we are expected to walk away from a child that we raised and wash our hands of them. I am a mother at heart and for as long as I live Nylan will always be on he back of my mind. I will love that child until my last day.

I know that you may get frustrated at times, he may disrespect you, throw fits, and stomp off in anger. But know that he will warm up to you. It will take time for his little heart to heal, you will never fill the void that I’ve left in his heart. But I have faith that he will warm up to you and respect you for what you are. He may question and blame you down the road, it’s up to Scott to tell him the truth. To tell him, that daddy messed up and that’s why Nannie walked away.

Des, I can tell you it hurt like hell when I said good-bye to Nylan one last time. Its december, god does he love christmas. I’ll admit I spoiled the crap out of him, he had two trees, a huge stocking and presents, more presents than legally allowed.

As you adjust to life in my home, know that i designed that house for a family, the kitchen was my dream. You may not think much of the butterfly granite, the gold walls, and pecan hickory floors, but that was my dream, a bakers paradise. I lost a bet that’s why the bed room walls are black, i am sue by now you’ve ripped my face from every frame I left behind and that you stripped the home of my memories. Just know that at one time the house you call a home was built on my love, love for a family that would slowly drift apart. I pray that you have better luck, I’d keep a close eye on Scott, he is know to lurk on the list and has more women’s numbers in his EVO than I have fingers and toes.

Please know that the dogs you now call your own, were once mine. Little Freckles was a birthday present to me, I rescued her. She is sweet energetic and kind. Mystra, she’s old and wise, a true pupy lady, Hazel is your typical middle child. Love those dogs with all of your heart and they will love you back.

Somethings to know about Nylan. Yes, when he didn’t eat his dinner i told him that starving children in africa would kill for his dinner. Yes, i put numerous leggos and other toys left out in the recycle bin. (they never made it to the curb) It taught him to clean up after himself. Nylan loves to help clean, he knows how to put his clothes in the washer and where the soap goes. Nylan likes waffles with syrup for breakfast. they have to be chocolate chip otherwise he won’t eat them. He’ll eat chicken any way you fix it. That boy loves bbq outside, fires in the fire pit, playing in the yard and so much more. Just know these things and you’ll be all right.

Just please love that child like he is your own. As I maybe gone, but Nylan will always be apart of who i am. He was and is my first child.

Another year closes. Another candle added to the cake.

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It’s funny I was so excited for my 27th birthday. I had waited 27 long years to have a golden birthday. I had planned the perfect party and was overwhelmed with what I thought was the perfect life. That’s right the perfect life that came crashing down on October 22, 2009. I almost died 5 day before my birthday. So #27 came in with a crash landing and left with a quiet decent.

#28 came in quietly closing out a year that included a life time of living in one years time. As I blew out my candles I said a silent prayer and thanked god for giving me 28 years worth of stories, pain, laughter, memories, and sorrows. I realize I’ve done more living in 28 years than most people do in a life time. I am grateful and mystified by my life, sometimes it’s hard to believe it’s mine. It may be crazy, its my story and I am the writer guiding the pen across the blank page.

Funny thing is I wasn’t suppose to make it to 28, I shouldn’t be alive, but by the Lords grace I am. This October marked the 25th anniversary of my life saving surgery and the discovery of my kidney disease. My parents did the unthinkable and turned to god as they sent me in to have the experimental surgery, and lucky for me that experiment worked. When I blow out my candles I thank doctor Donald Love and John Delahaunty because if it weren’t for those two men my light would have been dimed at 3. Many of us go our lives with out seeing angles, I can say mine are on this earth and because of their wit and might I am a live. So I am no stranger to deaths door, God had tried to take me off my stage more than once. Twice I survived the unsurvivable, I’ve knocked on deaths door, and I walked away.

I think God knows I’m not done yet I have a lot to do, a world to change, and justice to stand for. This past year has been like a turbulent river each rapid trying to change my course. It threw me to the shore a time or two, deflated my raft, but like a falcon rising from the ashes I conquered it’s current and rose above the shores. To claim my win, to show the world I am still standing and I will not be silenced by fear.

Year 27 was about loss, strength, love, friendship, and starting over. The following defined year #27, with out these moments people and stories it would have been a boring year.

Divorce: was a word often shouted, used as a threat by my now x husband. When ever we’d get into a fight his famous line was “well maybe we should divorce.” we saw our second wedding anniversary however that June I decided to leave the sinking ship and walk away from a loveless marriage. An walk away I did, the x was in shock, he acted like he was dying I’d seen it before. As always he cared more about money than me and well ladies I’ve left his ass penny less and I could give a fuck about it.

Babies: I experienced the miracle of life, the joys of knowing you are carrying a tiny human, and glowed with pride. Only to have my little bear returned to gods arms. I am forever changed by this experience, even thou it was filled with pain, that brief moment in time Scott and I were so in love. A love that was short lived, nursery planning stopped, the traveler bob stored, and the anger grew. I am and always will be a mama to a baby in heaven.

Apartments: it’s sad I know but I got my first apartment ever. I’ve nicked named my joint the projects. It’s a far cry from my 3,000 square foot home in the burbs with the top notch kitchen and HE washer and dryer, but it’s home baby. Some say it looks jut like the ikea catalog, it does I’ll admit that.

Dogs: I said good bye to my little English pointer miss freckles, knowing full well apartment life wasn’t her style. It was hard, yet I knew it was best, she loves kicking it with hazel and mystra. So since my heart was empty I set out looking for a new fuzzy pal. Insert a fluffy bichon frise named Cullen. He is a funny little beast and best of all he likes our little apartment.

Starting Over: a good friend said to me “hey Amjay at least your not 40 with two kids trying to start fresh.” True I’m not 40 and my only kid is in heaven, so I guess I’m all ready a head of the game. But still it was learning how to put one foot in front of the other. I went from being a wife and mother to a singleton. For the first few weeks I was lost, I was still stuck in mommy wife mode, but slowly the battery died and I learned how to be single again. I am building a life for myself, taking time to give back, and enjoy being me.

Friendship: I have made and maintained some amazing friendships this year. If I don’t name you in this just know I love you with all of my big puffy heart. God Mama has been a source of strength, she gave me faith when my tank was running empty, always telling me to duct tape my big girl pants on and that God has a plan. Miss Meghan my bestie, you are bright and amazing, your friendship means the world to me and I’m so glad your getting married. Miss Tara and Jillian both of you have such grace, thank you for your kind words and faith. A certain car lot manager, thank you for listening to my late night pity parties and reassuring me that things will be ok and that I am worth it. The architect thank you for the late night happy hour giggles, you my friend have taught me how to take chances and go with it. Dave, thank you for being there for me during one of the darkest moments of my life. Sheri, even thou our friendship ended I thank you for all that you did for me. A certain attorney thank you for uttering these words ” it all comes down to a judgment call” that was all I needed to hear and I made the call. I wish you well and may both of our lives be less dramatic. Dr cuzzo thank you for mentoring me and teaching me the law, Cherie thank you for making me the woman I am today and for igniting my nasty little travel habit. Scott even thou we weren’t meant to be, thank you for the happy times you gave to me, I will cherish those times, I just hope you get help for your addiction and illness. Connor, god Connor I wish you were here. You my friend were amazing and beautiful, I’ll never understand why you took your own life. Nylan, my sweet boy know that I will always love you, may god treat you kind. You will always be my son from another mother. Miss Joy my sister from another mother, you give me strength and you are so amazing. To every stranger I’ve come in contact with you have made my life better just by touching it for a brief moment. Friendship is the foundation to life, without friends we would be isolated islands in the sea, waiting for someone to discover our beauty. I am grateful to each and every one of you, thank you for blessing me with your presence, love and faith.

Facing Death: I am no stranger at deaths door. I always thought my kidneys would do me in. Having a blood clot came totally out of left field. I am reminded each and every day that life is a precious gift. I realize that your health is worth more than money. I rather be healthy than the richest woman in the world. Each day is a constant battle and so far I am winning.

Faith: even in my darkest days I never lost hope. If I did god mama was right there with faith in hand. I have to have faith and believe this all happened for a reason. God has a special place for the weary travelers. This road is mine, and mine alone to travel, I have faith that god will bring me a map reading partner one day.

I am ready to close the door on year # 27 and have the knowledge to take on year #28 with grace and strength. Thank you all so much for being apart of my life, I have extreme mad love for all of you. I can truly say my life is blessed because of you. A toast to a less dramatic, highly successful love filled, laughter filled year!